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Surprise, surprise, but really no surprise at all

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So this Friday was the first day of the temporary court order and BM over here already was trying to act like the court order is just a suggestion. He gets a text a few hours prior to the 3 pm pick up of his daughter saying how she has ballet at 5:30, we can adjust the Sunday drop off so you can pick her up after ballet at the studio instead... She also adds in there "I'm assuming you want to see (older child) that needs to be discussed. I'm not unreasonable" .....My bf responds that he will be picking up his daughter at 3 pm. That this is her doing and please do not bring out the older child at pick up as it would hurt the child and him. Well for about an hour BM kept texting about taking the older child too says how she asked her and she wants to go with the younger child, etc. My bf bascially said you took my rights away from her, this is your fault and your doing, and there is nothing more to discuss about the older child. 

My bf gets there for pick up, she did not bring the older child out, but she again brings it up "next time if you want to take (older child) you can." My bf told her yet again, that there is nothing more to discuss on the matter, she separated him from her and that is that basically. He gets home with younger child and then another text saying how he needs to be involved in older one's therapy and how he is the only dad she has known and now that the testing is done, they can go back to how it was before and he can take both children. He did not even respond because he was not wasting anymore time on this nonsense. They signed up for this app called App Close? Don't know if anyone has used it but now they are going to communicate all through there which is fine with me rather than him having two phones or her having his actual number. Then yesterday morning hours before drop off, you don't have to abide by the 3 pm drop off time, it's your time, just let me know. My bf dropped the child off at 3 pm and told her he will be abiding by the court order.

We think BM is trying to get him to take the older child too to either try and report him for kidnapping, try and use it in court the children have never been separated so they never should be or some other angle. I can't wait till he meets with his new lawyer on Wednesday so he can figure out how he is going to proceed forward with this all.

Just so annoyed by BM thinking that she does not need to follow the court order, her keep pushing to try and get him to take her kid now as well, and trying to make him look like the bad guy because he is not going to do so. On the bright side, we had a great weekend with his daughter, she didn't once get upset being without her sister and got more attention than she probably ever has because her sister's behavior and attention seeking is so bad. I am just glad there really is no reason for them to need to communicate between now and the next pick up and even then there is a court order so nothing really to talk about, but I am sure BM is going to message anyway.


tog redux's picture

Well, you expected this and he handled it beautifully. 

BM thought that this would allow her to have him by the balls and control everything he does - and that she could now just go back to dumping the kids on him full-time while having all the control over him and them on paper. Understand, when he had the kids all the time before, she never saw him as "primary parent", she saw it as her doing him a favor and giving him HER kids for more time.

IMO, he should stick to the order for a while with his daughter until the dust settles. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I just felt really bad because he was like I just feel bad for when BM told the older child she couldn't go because I never wanted to hurt her... and I was like I understand, but it is not you hurting her it is BM who is hurting her she is the one who did all this and she shouldn't of ever asked the child if she wanted to go, it is no longer an option and BM needs to understand that, but probably won't for a long time. BM will probably keep trying this for a long time, hopefully the new lawyer can give some advice on how he can handle that 

Yes I can see that now, even though she only had them for a couple days a month for a year and a half. What makes me feel bad and yes I know doesn't make her unfit is for the past 4 months the younger one always comes in clothes the older child's size, never the size for her and it seems like she only is buying clothes that fit the older one and putting them both in them to save money. Just makes me feel sad about she doesn't care enough to have right fitting clothing for both kids just her older child. 

But oh we will be sticking 100% to the court order, the judge can't hold that against him or use it to hurt him when he is following what the court ordered. I don't know when she will realize she has 0% control over my bf and she never will, she's delusional to think she can get him to bend to her will

Daisymazy2's picture

BM is trying to use the older child as a weapon.  BM needs a babysitter and thought your BF would just do it for free or she could be trying to set up your boyfriend for something else.  Your BF just needs to stick to the court order and  keep informing BM that he can't see the oldest child because she took away his rights.  It is just a game to BM.  It is so sad  for your BF and  for the children

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and now it is back firing because he is not going to do what she says to see the older child. She terminated his rights and now she has her 100% like she wanted, except not really because she wanted 100% rights, but him to continue being dad until she decided to end that, but it is not going to go that way. It is very sad!

susanm's picture

Maybe you answered this and I missed it but what is the deal with the bio-father of the oldest?  Is he even a possibility of becoming an active presence in the girl's life?  Why did BM "spill the beans" in the first place?  Was it in the heat of the moment or did she think it was a good idea for some reason at one point and it backfired?  

The only good thing is that this is happening when the girl is relatively young.  I am glad that your BF is remaining resolute.  He is going to get a lot of crap from people who have no idea what the day to day reality of dealing with women like BM is and who will try to substitute their judgment for his because "he is the only father she knows."  Easy to say when sitting on their own comfortable couch watching Dr. Phil and judging strangers.  Not so easy when it is your life being invaded by chaos not of your making!  You have a long road ahead of you but we get it.  Very glad you have the court order clearing things up even if it does not give you as much time with the younger girl as you would like.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

basically when my bf iniated the divorce back in March 2018, in the paperwork that you state your reason for filing for divorce (don't remember what it is called), the BM's response back to my bf's reasons, she stated that the older child was not my bf's. She also told a mutual friend that the oldest was not his during the same time period. She didn't tell the friend she was raped, she told the friend she didn't know who the dad was because while my bf was deployed she was popping molly and having sex with random dudes. Once it the divorce process started however she claimed she was raped, she has told two different stories that don't add up. I don't think BM knows who the dad is so the status is unknown, but again that is not my bf's fault or problem. That is what makes it so frustrating now when she is saying she did the paternity test because she had to when from the beginning when this all started her plan was to take my bf's rights to the child away. This is all her doing, so there is no one else to blame except herself.

Yeah I am sure it will, but then I have also heard from men who say as soon as they found out their ex cheated and the child wasn't theirs they would of tried to disestablish rights, meanwhile my bf has been fighting doing that for 1.5+ years. BM basically just wants him to be a free babysitter and play dad until she finds a new man who can then be the girl's dad and that is not going to happen. Yes that is frustrating, but we are just trying to enjoy the time we have with her.

susanm's picture

So she either has known that the child was not his, or has had enough reason to know there was a question and should do the right thing and test, since the very beginning.  Not only did it not come out until the divorce but the poor guy had to read it in a legal filing.  That must have been a gut punch to end all gut punches.  And to add insult to injury, she could not stick to a story and continues to play on his heartstrings for her own benefit.  Damn.  This is one cold b*tch.  

I guess that answers my question about the potential for a father for this girl.  Not only was she cold as ice, she was also stupid.  I get that she wanted to hurt your DH but by indulging her temper in the moment she slit her own throat and that of the girl.  Hopefully some teacher or social worker will take pity on her and become a decent role model so that she does not become a mini-BM.  But there is nothing you or anyone in your family can do without sticking your collective heads in a noose.  It truly sucks but we all know kids that we can't personally help for one reason or another.  Like they say on the airplanes, you have to put on your oxygen mask first.  You are no good to anyone if you are not breathing.  Wishing the best for you and your family!

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

she has known from the beginning that she wasn't his, but didn't want my bf to leave her because that wouldn't benefit her in any way. Since he ended up leaving her anyway and that not being the reason she just wanted to hurt him in the process and wanted the control of having the child 100% be hers and then when convenient let my bf see her, etc. She showed her cards weeks ago when she realized my bf was not going to pay for the child anymore in any way once the court date for the results happened and she said "if you're not willing to be in her life financially then that's fine" .... like you are on crack if you thought he was going to still support the child financially once his rights were taken away.

That is exactly how it feels. I feel horrible for the child, but it is no one's mistake or responsibility but BM's and now BM is the one who needs to do right be her. We can't give in just because we feel bad and BM is a POS. Thank you! I hope it gets better but for a long while it will at the very least be a sore subject.

justmakingthebest's picture

Your BF did the only thing he can or should do. Unless BM is willing to have him adopt Older daughter and give up primary to both of them, he needs to stick to the current order to the letter until January. Just a couple of more months. 

It will be interesting to see what the new lawyer thinks about her trying to pawn off Older child so quickly after court. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

only other option is trying to settle before January, but again will see what the new lawyer says.

I am interested too. I just wish there was a way to make her stop asking or bringing it up, but I don't think there is anything he can do in that regard. 

hereiam's picture

Well, she does not have her kid free time, anymore, and she will be missing that. She thought that she could have her cake and eat it, too. Hurt him, but still get him to play Dad to the older child. She banked on him being emotionally attached to her and still taking her.

I think it is smart for him to stick to his guns. If he continued seeing her, BM would continue to use her as a weapon and hurt him and the child, even more.



futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I just have zero empathy for her. My bf is really upset about losing his rights to her like in the way that it really hurts him, but even though it hurts him he won't give in to it. BM thought she could control him this way, but it is not going to happen. Honestly, if he did give in to her on this, I would be done and there would be no relationship. I have zero interst in continuing this emotional game with BM for a child that is not his, his rights were taken away from, and on top of all that the behaviorial issues/probable mental health issues going on. So I am very proud of my bf for doing what he should/needs to do even though it isn't easy and hurts.


Gimlet's picture

Damn, you called it.  She didn't even wait a week before starting her crap, did she?

I think your SO is handling this well.  It's really the only sane thing he can do with this ghoul of a BM.  She really only thinks of herself.  I hope he continues to stand firm. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

days after court and she is already trying to pull shit. 

Thank you I think he is too! She is the most selfish, entitled person I have ever heard of, especially when there are children involved. I hope so too, I firmly believe he will though

lieutenant_dad's picture

I give your BF major kudos for using his head and not his heart in this, even though he'd probably love to swoop the oldest up and love her forever.

Two suggestions for your BF. First, he needs to see a counselor to work through his grief. One who is familiar with father's rights, parental alienation, etc. Someone who will be able to help him process this grief.

Second, he should make a recording of himself NOW and write a dated letter to his DD about the facts of what has transpired, and keep it in a box with documentation from court where BM alleges the oldest isn't hia and the paternity test says the same. Basically, any proof that he can whip out at any time to set the record straight WHEN BM starts her alienation game with the youngest. The first utterance of a lie needs to be swiftly handled with the truth to SD AND needs to be reported back to BM through the app letting her know that you're on to her game.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but knows it just would prolong the hurt from happening, but that it is inevitable.

I agree with the first, but he won't do it. I already have suggested it and he does not want to whatsoever. Thinks he does not need it and that it makes him weak essentially.

Yes I agree with the second. It just all is a really tough situation to be in especially when the other person (BM) is not interested in doing what is best for the children just want is best for herself.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So, I have several male good friends - a solid group of us that are all friends, DH included. None of them like therapy, but will tell me things as a "girl" that they'd never admit to the rest of the group.

They all do this, and I have, at times, informed the best friend of each of them (they kinda couple off as "best friends" even though they are all good friends") when I think they should reach out to their buddy in a male-supportive way.

If you have a good relationship with BF's best friend, I'd tell the BFF that you are worried about how your BF is doing with all this and ask that they keep an eye on BF, take him out for a beer from time to time, etc. BFF should get the hint and can help offer support that your BF will need in a way that doesn't feel weak.

Siemprematahari's picture

This woman sounds deranged. It boggles my mind how she thinks. How exactly did she think this would all play out? To strip this man of his rights to the oldest and after all is said and done she still expects him to play daddy....unreal!

I'm glad he's sticking to his guns and dealing with her accordingly. He's sticking to the court order to the T and not entertaining anything else. No matter how many times she asks him about taking the oldest he should continue to ignore it. Just focus on the youngest child and ONLY if it has to do with her anything else is just entertaining her nonsense.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and she apparently still thinks it after he told her 5 times on Friday that no that was not going to happen. I am sure she will keep bringing it up too thinking his mind will change

Yes I am glad too or we would have some serious issues in our relationship. Exactly what the plan is. The words now are "there is nothing more to discuss" whenever she brings up the oldest. Just crazy how this woman thinks.

ESMOD's picture

Yeah.. I pretty much knew this was exactly what she would do.  She was using the child to get to him somehow.. and she obviously wants to be the primary parent because it benefits her financially (at least with the younger child).. but she in reality didn't want him to stop taking the older child because.. she is happy to be rid of the kids.

I doubt it's because she was going to try the kidnapping angle.  She likely just wants to be rid of the responsibility... but still get the most money... 

Next it would be ... "ohh.. can I get some money for older child bday.. you need to give me money for the child who you are acting as the father for.. etc"  

I still have concerns that she will use the older child out as a reason why she can't procure the younger for visitation because she "is hysterical for leaving her older sister" etc..

he handled this the best he could.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

money for the younger child. Even then it is not going to be as much as she thinks because they have the same education level, she was at her old job almost making as much as he was and if she tries to use her nannying job for needing more money then we will ask for her income to be imputed. 

He flat out told me she will never give her a dime more than the court orders him to and I firmly believe he will stick to that. 

We think that was really her angle of see they have never been apart, they can't stand to be apart. However, that was not at all what happened when he picked up just his daughter and I don't think it will ever be an issue. Don't think it will get him to get much more time though unless this new lawyer puts up a really good case, even then, it is the same judge who ruled on not wanting to split the siblings.

Mountains's picture

Hope the BM doesn’t start working on the younger sister to make her feel like she has to have the older child go with her. Nothing seems to be too devious or mean for this BM.  Lots of good thoughts for you and your family.

ndc's picture

I would take lots of family videos showing the wonderful time your BF's daughter is having with him - lots of pictures and videos, spread over her visitation time with him. That way when BM tries to say she's devastated being away from her older sister, you can demonstrate just how "devastated" she is. 

bananaseedo's picture

She certainly is deranged.  Good for your guy sticking to his guns!  You may have to hold him to it if he starts to weaken.  I would make solid documentation -even if recording video- of the younger girl having fun with you guys.  This way when bm tries to say the younger child is being hurt by going alone and leaving her sister, you all have proof that is not the case.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

of what we do with the daughter on his time, we took some photos (mostly because we wanted photos), but then also for court, especially at this fall festival we took her to on Saturday. Getting some video proof would be good too. My bf will be prepared with witnesses next time too, he just didn't know he could have any last week. They are people that knew him and BM while together and are still in my bf's life now.

Thank you, yes he has been quite amazing through it all. I will definitely hold him to it, I am not okay with giving into BM in anyway on this matter.

Ispofacto's picture

Why does BM have opportunity to say anything to DH?  He needs a No Contact order.  During pickup/dropoff, each party stays in their car with the windows up.  And he should ignore her texts.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Order but I didn't know you could do that in a temporary order? Idk I'll let my bf know because I don't want to spend my life with her messages constantly coming through on issues such as these especially that at this point is irrelevant.