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Step Talk and my posts

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

It’s funny, I had read on a men’s forum before finding this site, a woman saying she wrote on the men’s site instead of one involving mostly women because it was so negative. I found this site and I was like oh wow this great and so helpful! Other than a few people who have reached out or commented giving legit advice, I have felt nothing, but a lot of women here trying to belittle me and just tons of negativity. 

 

I took a break from this site before because of this, then I felt refreshed and came back. Posted once or twice and got legit feedback which was awesome. Then I post venting about frustration with BM and 90% of it is just either being told facts about my life/situation that are false and being told how all I do is judge and am too involved.

 

For those of you who have “read” my posts, but didn’t actually, here’s some facts: 

 

-I have known my bf for 11 months

-We have been in a relationship for 9 months 

-Both my boyfriend and I have our own places, we do not live together 

-I work a full time job and I freelance on the side 

-All my family lives hours away in other states 

-Bfs family lives on the other side of the country, they aren’t close

-I never had intentions to go to court for the custody hearing

-I am my boyfriends emotional support 

-My boyfriend financially, medically, and otherwise supports the children

-I do not do anything for the children unless I want to. He does not hand the reigns over to me. I don’t try to take over or try and replace their mother. I am not their caregiver. Just because I do not sit there and watch my boyfriend do everything for the kids by himself everyday, all the time, does not make me “too involved” 

-The children are 2 & 4, they do not yet go to school. Because of her birthday, she will not go to kindergarten until she is six. So there is no school district in place

-My boyfriend is not re-enlisting because he has a job opportunity with benefits and more pay elsewhere 

-The info about the clothes, mosquito bites, etc. was me venting. I even explicitly said I know that stuff happens. It is frustrating because 9 times out of 10, it’s always something. They never come back in the same condition as they were dropped off as. 

-Everywhere I have read, including on here, unless I am a danger or have a criminal history or something, the BM cannot make it so I cannot be around the children. She can try, but will fail, so I’m not worried about it.

-If I had to “sell” myself to my bf for him to be with me, I wouldn’t be with him or any man for that matter. 

-This relationship is not sunshine and rainbows all the time or a honeymoon phase. We have had our fights, we have gone through some serious shit that isn’t anyone on here’s business. I am not delusional. I am secure and confident in my relationship. We have also had a lot of serious conversations about possibilities and outcomes, so I know where we stand.

-Also, I am aware how he could lose because he is not the mom. I’m not delusional. I am also not doing anything to influence his decision making on the custody battle. I am here for him to vent, to ask questions and be supportive. I do help log the days of pick up/drop off, just because I’m more organized. But I am not telling him what to do or anything crossing any lines, he’s a man and it is his children, so his decisions.

-Lastly, you’re right, I am not married to him, I am just the girlfriend. But do not undermine the significance of my relationship because it’s been 11 months. At one time, a lot of you were girlfriend yourself and I’m sure you wouldn’t like people minimizing your position or importance in your SO’s life because of being girlfriend not wife. Maybe you were 100% hands off until you got married, I doubt it, but I couldn’t do that. To me that would make me a bad partner.

 

For those of you who have given legit advice, reached out or shown any support. None of this post applies to you and I am sorry for going off. Also, I wish you the best of luck and success in your lives. 

 

I will not apologize for caring for the children in addition obviously to my bf.  I will not apologize for not being 100% hands off. I am not their caregiver, have not moved in, or done anything to earn being torn apart about my actions and situation. I did learn a lot about what can happen, red flags, and the court situation. So for that I thank Step Talk. I also thank Step Talk for realizing how bad other peoples situations are. So good bye and good luck to everyone. My emotional health is a lot better off without all this. 

 

P.S. if you read till the end, I apologize for the length, but needed to get it all out there. 

 

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

I’d say that in good relationship after only 9 months things are typically all rainbows and sunshine. If you have fights already and facing “serious shyte” that early on, relationship might have no where else to go but downhill. Why are things bad that early on? Is this your first relationship? 

I don’t believe you need to be hands off until you are married, but since he is still married to someone else being that crazy involved might be too much. Nothing wrong with taking it slow until he is at least divorced. In addition since he has young children and you two already have issues in a relationship early on, it’s unwise  to rush into anything as it’s harmful for the kids 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Check in every 6 months or so. You will either be able to say, "I told you so," or you might be in a place where you will be willing to listen to some helpful advice.

Maxwell09's picture

I don’t know what this is about but I will say most of the time when newcomers get offended by advice they receive here it’s because it hits too close to home. And I’ll you with that. 

Monkeysee's picture

At 9 months into my relationship with DH, it really was all rainbows & butterflies for me. I didn’t jump in & get involved with his drama at any point really, it’s his drama & ive kept myself as far away from it as possible.

Coming to this site was helpful for me because I’ve realized that, when I was frustrated with what was happening & wanting to blame BM for DH’s drama, it wasn’t actually ALL BM at all & DH had his part to play. 

For me, getting to a point where I started holding DH accountable for *his* sh!t was a game changer for me. I stopped blaming someone I had no control over & started drawing my own boundaries around what I would or wouldn’t allow into my life & home. To this day I hold DH responsible for his choices when it comes to the ex & kids, and when he allows boundaries to be crossed (which doesn’t happen often), HE is the one who’s left to deal with the aftermath. He’s the one I’m in a relationship, not BM, and he’s the one who needs to step up when things go sideways in our steplife. 

Do I get angry at things BM does? Sometimes I do, yes. It’s unavoidable because she’s a selfish woman & I don’t agree with how she parents the boys. At all. But it’s got nothing to do with me, at the end of the day, they aren’t my kids. As long as DH is doing everything HE can do to be a good father to them & partner to me, THAT is what’s important.

Youre going to drive yourself insane worrying about the cuts & scrapes your skids come back with & all the things BM does that you don’t like. Not only that, but, as much as you care about these kids, it’s not your place to worry about it the way that you do. I know you care about the kids, but honestly, you’ve only been in this for 9 months, you WILL go insane by getting this worked up. It’s 100% out of your hands what she does when she has the kids. The only thing you can do is support your BF & hold him to a high standard of parenting when he has the kids. 

Vent about BM all you want, that’s why this site exists. But people will give you advice you might want or not want, that’s also why this site is here. The more mental space you allow BM to have in your mind (and BTDT, believe me), the harder this is going to be for you. 

beebeel's picture

It's pretty adorable that you think 11 months is a significant length of time. Many of us have been dealing with stephell for 11 years or more. If the advice you're receiving doesn't make sense yet, give it time. You really don't know anyone until you've been with them for a few years; live together; and start building a life together. You still have a lot to learn about this guy, his kids and relationships in general. You're young, so I don't hold that against you. Think of a lot of the advice around here as a good checklist to keep in mind as you get to know your BF better.

tog redux's picture

OP, I'm sorry you won't listen to guidance from those of us who have been there - yes, some people can be harsh and just flat out rude, but most of us are giving you advice based on our years of experience.  Many of us have been just where you are and we know what lies ahead for you.

I'm not sure what you were hoping for ... for all of us to just show sympathy and say that of course BM is just AWFUL and your SO will definitely get custody, and what a wonderful and caring GF you are to take on so much for him so early in the relationship? 

All anyone is saying is:

-BM will most likely retain primary custody, and none of your concerns about her are enough to make a court take small children from their mother.

-Your state is not somehow exempt from the unspoken bias towards mothers than exists in family court

-BM might be the worse parent, but she is still the mother, and as such has an advantage over your SO in getting custody.

-they don't care about bug bites, small clothes or whether she takes her entire 50% of the time

-you are spending a lot of energy and time on something you have no control over and can't fix

-supporting your BF is one thing, getting so involved and taking on this burden for him is quite another.

-11 months is not a long time, you are most certainly blinded by love, and all of this stuff takes a toll on you over the years, so while you are so sure of everything now, in 11 years, you may not be.

I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth.

DPW's picture

I'm not sure who you are trying to convince - us or yourself; but if you redirected your energy from posting "Here's my story so accept me and my ways or else" blogs towards the issues in your life, you might fair better. 

Cbarton12's picture

I really think you should check in on your internalized misogyny. Sorry women aren't automatically more negative and "belittling" than men. That is a dangerous position to take. 

How old are you? Dating someone 9 months isn't a long time. You do not even live together. Most comments I've seen people post as a response to you have been realistic and honest. Just because people aren't siding with you does not mean they're being negative. 

At 9 months, I definitely was not this involved in DH's battle with BM. And frankly, if your bf is still not divorced and he is dating plus introducing his gf to his kids, that will not fare well. 

 

STaround's picture

But everyone is trying to tell you to go slow.

Yes, there are people here who do not have their own kids and have married men with kids, and even they are telling you to slow down.  You may be mature, but you sound young.   Finishing college, getting a job, is a walk in the park compared to dealing with a stepchild situation, imho. 

At a minimum, please get pre-marital counseling geared toward people with kids.  Understand his financial commitments.   Understand that if moves to a state which requires him to pay for college, if the ex moves there too, she may be able to require him to pay for college (COs are generally only moved if both parents move).  Understand that if you want to have kids of your own, you may have to go back to work right away because of his child support.  

advice.only2's picture

Just a question, if when you met BF and he had no kids and no ties would you still be dating him?  Sometimes drama is a powerful aphrodisiac.

I would say stay clear of the drama for a bit and allow a bit of a cooling off period for all parties involved, if your love is still strong and true then have at it.

momjeans's picture

- You do not need to explain yourself or clarify things to people on the internet.

- You do not need to take opinions or criticism from complete strangers on the internet personally. 

- You need to come to terms with the fact that the BM in your situation might just be a lowly human being with zero parenting skills. 

STaround's picture

I think OP has come to terms with the BM.  I think she needs to come to terms with the court system, and that her FDH has not had time to be a single parent.  

Monkeysee's picture

I don’t think she was criticized. She’s received feedback from people with more experience than her & she didn’t like it. Instead of sitting back & reflecting on it, she wrote this post & has said she’s leaving steptalk.

I wish her all the best, she’ll have to learn the hard way that a lot of the advice she received was valid & coming from women who’ve been through it themselves. She’s making it harder on herself by being this invested, especially this quickly. Maybe someday she’ll be mature enough to see that.

momjeans's picture

My post is a general statement to OP. I read her post the other day. 

Livingoutloud's picture

It might not be a big deal to date a married man while he is going through divorce but it’s a pretty bad idea to be introduced to young kids and take one parental duties and get involved in his custody and divorce battles.

If you want to keep dating him, stay in your house and see if he comes picks you for dates. If he won’t, that’s your answer.

Many girlfriends who post on steptalk only see their boyfriends because they drive to his house and take care of his household for him. If they stayed in their own place, they’d never see a guy because he won’t go get her and take her on a date.

These kind of guys only want women to take care of their responsibilities. Otherwise they would get divorced first and wouldn’t date until they are single, they rush to get girlfriends to take care of things for them 

Harry's picture

But her SO is still married and she having a affair.  Your SO in the service will never get custody.  At a drop of a hat he could be in  another country for a year.  Or another state in a month from now.  Courts will not force BM to be 1,000 miles away from her kids with no way of see them. 

You are already way to involved,  you don’t care,,,,,  but your all up about bug bites. How BM parenting is bad. And you are not even living there or taking care of the kids.  You can’t have it both ways. If you are not the care giver then why care about bug bits.

 You are asking the courts for the kids to live with you, but you don’t know where you will be living next week.  Or care how BM gets to see her kids.  Are you willing to fly kids to BM EOWE, or is it’s BM  bad luck if she has to paid $1000 a month to see her kids. 

Personal I think your SO is not think straight and you can’t see it.  

MommyT's picture

I am sorry that you don’t feel supported but I think you feel that way because we are disagreeing with you. If you came on this site to have us agree with you then it is not the right site for you. I only commented because you sounded so like me and honestly my attitude toward the situation was a huge strain on mine and dh’s relationship. If you think we are wrong that is your opinion but I was you ten years ago and I still suggest that you calm down about BM. Every time you get the kids from her, there is going to be something that bugs you. That’s a natural response but you need to get over it and stop thinking that it is going to help you in court because it won’t.