So he finally talked to his STBX
FINALLY, after 2.5 weeks, the stbx was available to talk with my boyfriend about figuring out custody without going to trial, etc. He did not want to have the conversation in front of the children which I completely agreed with, so we had to wait and wait, until yesterday. So he went over there and they talked in the parking lot of her apartment complex which was his idea that I totally supported, not going inside her place and not going anywhere too public so there was no scene caused.
So it went good and it went bad, there is going to have to be some serious thinking on my boyfriends side. Let's start with the good news, basically they agreed it would be best for them to go to mediation rather then trial for both the girls sake and financially. Also, the stbx told my bf in 5 months she will be moving states away for a new job. Which both of us are happy about we won't have to worry about running into her, daily contact, or anything like that. Unfortunate part of this is it will start the custody arrangement we knew would be coming of someone gets them during the school year and someone gets them during the summer/holidays, because in two years we plan on moving to another state anyway.
The bad news is basically she will not agree to anything except her getting them during the school year for the sole purpose of she's their "mom." However, in the bag of clothes you gave back to my bf you had little boys underwear in the bag, both children are girls, she has no other children. She also NEVER dresses them in right sized clothing, weather appropriate clothing or age appropriate clothing, does not teach them manners, lets them do whatever they want, they ran away out of her house, let the older one use scissors on the younger ones hair (they are 4 y/o and 2 y/o), the list goes on about her lack of parenting. ANYWAY basically puts my boyfriend in the position of just agree to this and get it over with or go to trial and fight it. However, if they go to trial, then it'll be the judges discretion, be hella expensive, could go on for a long time, could end up with terms not in my boyfriends interest in other ways such as child support, etc. So he has some serious thinking on what he thinks is in the best interest for the children and what makes the most sense. Definitely being a neutral third party, just here to listen, but not influence, do not want him resenting me or anything because I influenced him one way or the other.
One thing that made me angry/upset me, but I did not give any indication to because he already knew how I was feeling was her response to getting the divorce over with and working on the custody. Her response was "why can't we try counseling" to which he responded that no he will not try counseling, it is over, it has been over, he wants nothing to do with her anymore and he just wants the divorce finalized. Probably did not get all worked up because I was proud of his response to her. Even though he has said the summary of all this before it has been in small segments, not all together and not to her face like that. Before all you haters on us women being with a separated man get all worked up, he had suggested counseling like 2 years ago, she didn't want to go. He also has not made any attempt or insinuated wanting to work things out or get back with her since he moved out over a year ago. For this reason, it makes me angry/upset she asked to do this because 1. it's been over, it is not new news, 2. she knows he is with someone else, 3. she has said this/variations of this a few times in the 7 months since we have been together and he shuts her down every time.
So in conclusion, today he is setting up to meet with his lawyer again and give advice/set up mediation to get this ball rolling, thank goodness because both of our leases are up this summer, we both would love to live together, but I told him I would not live with him whilst he is still married to another woman. Lastly, the other plus of her moving states away means in 2 years we don't have to refile for custody arrangements because we would be moving states away, so yay to that too. I am very happy with my man and his responses yesterday, he kept his cool, was direct and he also respected me/our relationship
**EDIT: I am not influencing my boyfriend in any way what he decides to do, whether it be mediation or trial, I am merely listening to him, asking questions, and being supportive of him. I DO NOT want the kids to disappear to another state with BM for the school year. It would be NICE for BM to live far away, with my bf being the primary parents, as I think he should be. Whatever the custody arrangement ends up being/how it gets to be decided is not my decision and I am not trying to make it be my decision in any way shape or form.
- futurestepmomnowstepgf's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
So yay to mediation.
So yay to mediation.
BUT. Most of the time judges like parents to try mediation first. Tell your bf that mediation is a good start. But if he really doesn't find it best for his girls, he may just have to go fight it. He doesn't need to be agreeing to random s*** that will bite him and the girls later just because his ex is crazy. HE SHOULDN'T SIGN UNLESS HE AGREES IT'S BEST FOR THE GIRLS.
The only issue is
I don't know if you read my last blog about the BM wants to take away his rights as the 4 y/o's father who is not biologically his. Apparently if he fights her on who gets the school year custody, she will fight to get his rights taken away. Which I have told him MANY times I don't see that as being possible when she doesn't know who the father is (at least claims this) and based on everything I have read that no judge will grant a child to have 1 legal parent and she was born during their marriage. Apparently his lawyer told him there is something that can be done and it is possible for this to happen. So I kind of gave up on re-ittirating myself that it is SOO unlikely and lastly I asked I would like to see a case where that was done, he said he would ask his lawyer, but she is the one who passed the bar.
I would imagine with her leaving in 5 months, it all has to be wrapped up and done before she can leave the state? I don't know. The hardest part is too, his lawyer is expensive and he knows he can't fight for too long with the cost of court and his attorney, etc. So I don't know which is the best route, go to trial, possibly lose and have less custody then the arrangement she wants or go to mediation and at least get some of what he wants? I mean we did the math the other day and the BM has only had them at most 43% of the time in the last four months because her work schedule is not fitting to children, especially having young children who go to bed early, etc. so I don't know if the court would lean in his favor and go with the status quo route or what.
If they were married and he's
If they were married and he's on the birth cert, a court isn't going to just take away his rights to see the kiddo. He's been the dad. It'll be more upsetting for the kid to lose that than anything. So that's VERY unlikely, even for a father. It's "possible" but unlikely, theoretically anything is possible with the courts. But he's the only dad the kiddo knows. And courts won't leave typically leave one legal parent because it's better to have two just in case something happens.
Well no, it doesn't have to be wrapped up. But she also typically can't take the kids. He could file for an emergency order to keep the kids in state. I know he still wants to wrap it up.
Courts normally see long distance relocation as upsetting for smaller children (which cracks me up, because personally I would have been more pissed off in high school). So they may rule is his favor. Have him consult with his lawyer.
I just know plenty of us have been screwed over because our spouses were so annoyed they just signed papers. My DH got to that point after over 2 years of stalling on her part. He was finally done with it. Signed atever papers she had because he was sick of it endlessly dragging on when the marriage had been over YEARS before that.
That was what I have been telling him
but I don't know if it is him being in the mentality of expect the worse, but hope for the best, that way he is mentally prepared or if it is things his lawyer has said, but I don't see that happening either. The BM has been filling her head though (4 y/o) because on 2 instances I know of lately, she has said there will be "no more daddy" or "you are not my daddy" or "I don't have a daddy." So there is that terrible nonsense going on.
He isn't going to fight her relocating because he could care less and always knows she would be leaving, Northern Virginia is a very expensive place to live and there's no way she could afford it, especially with her lack of education, etc. He is going to be consulting with his lawyer, probably next week updating her about the conversation and seeing what she advises.
Well it wouldn't prevent her
Well it wouldn't prevent her reloacting, just her moving out WITH the kids during the court. So more of like a temporary delay. Adults can really do whatever they want.
From the sounds of it that four year old is already being alienated and will probably need some therapy
Which is beyond sad.
AH okay I get what you're saying now
relocating with the kids at least for the time being.
While I know going to trial is a risk and financially expensive, perhaps I am just a hopeless optimist, but I think he has quite the leg to stand on
Unfortunately, I have been saying since November? that I think she would benefit from therapy for even just having someone outside the situation to talk to. The day back from being at their BM's even if it was just for a day, you can tell a difference and not in a positive way. Between the things the 4 y/o says and the way they both act, it is like a flip of a switch, it really is sad and sucks. Plus, even if the BM isn't saying this to the 4 y/o she is like a parrot now a days, so you have to be extra careful what you say in front of her. Which is like any child, but just unfortunate what is either being said to her or around her.
It would basically be a
It would basically be a temporary order in place for the time being until they do hash it all out. Nothing permenant and not the long term option.
I get that. It took me AGES to get my DH to understand why it was important for th egirls to be in therapy. He still doesn't fully get it. But he's taking them himself now.
Four year olds basically are parrots. That's why parents are normally careful what they say. the BM doesn't seem to be doing so. So your bf may want to be sure the order is truly good for the kids. having crap talked about the other parent is never healthy for them.
I mean they have had a temp order in place
in regards to custody etc for 13 months now. This is why my boyfriend really hoped she would agree to getting the divorce part out of the way and then battle on the custody, but her only response was asking to go to counseling to which he said no.
That is good! Yeah, he has been looking into getting them into therapy, but has yet to make the jump to making it happen. Try to nudge him without pushing him too far with everything else going on
Naturally. With the temp
Naturally. With the temp order though in place. She can't move without violating it from the sounds of it. So that won't work.
Good choice there. Small nudges while understanding the load of chaos too.
It seems like they had a
It seems like they had a cordial conversation and only hope that BM sticks to what she says. The issue with not having a Court Order is that she can “change her mind” and he’ll be stuck dealing with all the bullsh!t that comes with it. I do hope for him and the girls sake that this arrangement can be worked out amicably and that the transition goes smooth.
As for BM asking “why can’t we try counseling” at the end of the day you can’t blame her for asking/trying. After all he still is her H and they have children together so that is not out the norm. I get why it upset you because he hasn’t given her any indication that he wants to get back with her however, these things do happen and she’s just trying to give it one last shot. If you're secure in your relationship with him, than you have nothing to worry about.
Wishing you all the best!
For the most part it was cordial
except for her making accusations that are so far off, etc. but he kept his cool and disagreed, but did not let himself get angry or blow up which is really good. Well in mediation isn't the parenting plan or whatever signed off and basically almost the same thing as a CO? That was my understanding that it was just as legally binding of a document, but instead of a judge deciding on terms, the parents are?
When they haven't lived together in 15 months, she had another man's child 4 years ago and played it like it was his child when she knew full well it wasn't, cheated multiple times, has made accustations that he is an abuser, etc. Yes I fully think she lost the right to ask to try counseling. I found out from his friend visiting a few weeks ago, he was going to file for divorce 3 years ago, but then whoops she was pregnant and he felt in their best interest (the kids) he needed to try and work it out. He had been trying to work it out basically their whole marriage (just under 5 years). Which I had been told by my boyfriend that before, but it really resonated with me when someone else told me that without me even asking about it.
I am totally secure in my relationship and have no worries about him going back to her, but I want her to f*** off, it's done, it's been done, she is a horrible person.
Thank you!
Mediation is a good start but
Mediation is a good start but usually doesn't lead anywhere if both parents aren't in agreement about 90% of things.
If you are concerned about her ability to take care of the kids, tell your BF that he can request a GAL. They will help determin what is in the best interest of the child.
Also, BM can't take the kids and move out of state without your BF's consent. He can stop that from happening and it isn't hard to do. He can go in and fight for 50/50 and if you are both in close proximity and can deal with school/daycare transportation it shouldn't be an issue. Judges are very open to 50/50 now. If she tries to move out of state you simply file a motion to keep the kids in the current state. You will more than likely prevent her from being able to take them. That doesn't mean that she won't still go, it just means that you will become primary parents.
He need to get SOMETHING on paper ASAP. Even it if it is everyother weekend right now. He needs to have some kind of formal custody agreement. Take a loan or credit card if you have to in order to have it drawn up quickly.
So we want her to move out of state
but I guess you could act like you have an issue with it as in a way to try to become primary parents? One thing they have always agreed on is they aren't going to live in the same state and that it will not be 50/50 it will be school year for one and then holidays/breaks/summer for the other. Which selfishly, I definitely like because I don't want to deal with her bs almost everyday for the next 16 years and he does not either, he wants to be as far away from her as possible.
On the note of the GAL, can you do mediation and a GAL not go to trial? We are both very concerned about her ability to take care of the children. She does not know how to be a parent and never puts what is in the best interest of the children it is always what is in her best interest.
They currently have a temporary custody agreement, I forget what the name of the document is called, but it outlines the details of custody and financials during separation. Supposed to be 50/50 custody, she never can do her half though, no one pays child support to one another, and a few other things.
As a parent and step parent
As a parent and step parent that co-parents between multiple states, I will say this.... If you can live near the other parent it is the best situation.
I understand "wanting" BM to drop off the face of the earth. However, those extended visits to the non-primary are hard on everyone. The primary also gets left out for so much of the holiday and vacation schedule. It is like you get all the work and none of the fun time. It is also harder on communication between both parents and you really have to include the parent who doesn't live nearby in all the little things that they would normally be a part of.
I am not sure what the job is that BM is going for, but if your BF doesn't have an issue with her going and it is an opportunity for her to make a better life for her and the kids don't stop it to "act" like you have an issue. Only stop it if you do actually have one. If you are really concerned that she doesn't properly care for the kids then your BF will more than likely win the case to keep the kids in the current state. BM may or may not leave if that is the case. She may make your lives a living hell for forcing her to choose between a career and her kids. I know I wouldn't be too appreciative if that was a choice I ever had to make.
If mediation doesn't work, then ask for a GAL for the kids. I wouldn't bring it up until you are planning on going in front of a judge anyway.
Well one big issue is
my bf gets out in 2 years, we are going to move to the other coast when he gets out. So part of the concern is if we make her chose then we will need to expect her to do the same thing to us in 2 years. One thing we both agreed on is the BM is not going to dictate where we live, we had a conversation on that a long time ago.
I don't see how she will willingly let go of seeing the children during the holidays personally since it has been a battle about holidays now and they live 15 minutes apart. They were to be doing every other holiday, which then the BM on Halloween threw a fit because she wanted them, but she had them for 4th of July. My bf compromised with her and let her have them till 4 pm, then we took them trick or treating. Then for christmas, he wanted Christmas eve and she wanted Christmas Day, they split it that way and he even brought them christmas eve night so they could wake up there on christmas. She wants every holiday and everything, my bf isn't the biggest holiday person so it doesn't matter to him as much. So that would be interesting. BUT then on the 4 y/o birthday, when my bf was going to compromise and bring her for a couple hours so the 4 y/o could see both parents on her bday, magically the day of, she couldn't do it and she didn't even call her on her birthday.
The only issue he has is he wants them during the school year and so does she. Supposedly she will make more money there so that would be good, but other than that it is really a non-issue on her leaving.
If you and your BF don't care
If you and your BF don't care just let her take the kids. Come up with a parenting plan that says something along the lines of:
Father will have full access to medical and education
Father will have visitation for 6 weeks in the summer starting July 1 (GET A SPECIFIC DATE)
Father will have every other Thanksgiving break
Father will have every spring break
Father and mother will alternate winter break. 1st part of winter break is from when school lets out until Dec. 26. 2nd part is from Dec 26 to when school is back in session.
Father will have liberal and open visitation when in mother's state or area
Father will have phone access to children daily from 7pm-730pm. This is including but not limited to phone, skype, facetime, video chat.
If in the event that a military commitment interrupts a scheduled visitation father will have the ability to make up parenting time open and freely.
*** Who is paying for flights/ providing transportation? *** If flights are involved make sure to state that dates can fluctuate 1-2 days based on flight prices with the exception of traveling on Christmas Day.
Yeah definitely seems to come down to 2 options
Agree to this schedule or go to trial, just fighting for the reverse of him having them for the school year and her for summer. I think the biggest reason we don't have an issue with her leaving is mostly because we ourselves are not going to be staying in this state either. If we were planning on living here forever, I think it would be a totally different mentality.
Those are really good tips of things to be included on the parenting plan! Thanks!
I think one of the worst things a parent can do is move away
If she tries, FDH needs to get in court ASAP and stop her from taking the kids. I can understand you do not want to see the soon to be ex, and I am not suggesting you guys live on the same street, but IMHO, it is much better when both parents can attend schoool meetings, sports events, etc. If he is not legally seperated, he needs to file paperwork immediately and get temporary orders.
In some jurisdictions, courts are so backed up that if parents cannot reach agreement, they are effectively forced to mediation.
ETA -- I am sympathetic to miliary people who have no choice as to moves, but if the mom can find any job in currentl location, I would hope a court would tell her she loses primary custody if she moves.
So in VA there is no legal separation
but they do have a temporary orders for during separation, it has been about 13 months since all that was done and the papers that are filed outlining the reasons for divorce? (sorry I don't know the right term) and all that has all been drawn up and then her lawyer sent back their reply? to these reasons (sorry I have looked at them vaguely, but don't know the correct terminology)
It has always been that they weren't going to live in the same state just depended on when that was going to happen. So while it totally sucks that it would start in 5 months her living in a different state, it was always going to happen and at least they won't have to refile in a year or two so we can move.
Maybe
im just in a crappy mood but my advice is step back and give this boyfriend space to work out his life and become available for a relationship again. What he’s doing with BM right now could be you in a few years. Suddenly your husband is shacked up with some strange woman who criticizes everything you do. Step back for a second and see this from the outside. You are making future plans to move out of state with a guy still legally bound to another woman. If he got into a car accident on the way home tonight, she could legally ban you from his hospital room. Period.
You are too involved and critical about stuff. To be honest, the boy underwear/girl underwear thing is really petty. Maybe the girls like a character that was only on boys style underwear? Maybe the boy style ones were on clearance? As long as they are the correct size and clean, who cares?
You must be in a crappy mood
but just because he is working out the legality of custody and such with his stbx, does not mean he is not available. If anything the most important fact is that is emotionally available. He isn't doing anything with BM other then trying to in a civil manner work out the custody arrangement of the children. Also, we do not live together, so the "shacking up" is incorrect information. If anything, I think it is very important we are talking about future plans instead of sitting around hoping our plans/goals align to later down the line figure out we want different things. All that would do is waste both of our time.
I do not think at all I am too critical, I am realistic. Underwear with a hole for a p**** is not something a 2 y/o or 4 y/o little girl should be wearing. They were plain and both children are very girlie. The size of these were correct yes, but she sends them in clothing too small, too revealing, and not weather appropriate all the time. It was 45 degrees out and when my BF picked them up they were wearing sandals, shorts, and t shirts. I have a right to be concerned about the clothing choices she puts them in when they can get sick/hurt from it. So when her choices make an impact on the day to day lives of the children, for damn sure I will criticize her especially when she thinks she should be the primary parent.
They can't get
sick or hurt from wearing shorts and sandals in cool weather. They can't get sick or hurt from wearing boys underwear. They can't get sick or hurt from wearing clothing you deem too revealing. Period. Your boyfriend needs to concentrate on the things that would make her unfit to have the kids the majority of the time, not the things he "feels" or that you "feel." It is petty to make those things an issue.
Now, escaping the house? Yes, that is a safety concern if it happens more than once. The cutting the hair is not. Most kids do that to themselves or a sibling in the toddler/preschool years. The clothing is not a safety concern at all.
Um wearing clothing
that should be worn in 80 degree weather in 40 degree weather, yes a child can get sick, absolutely. Clothing that is too big, such as pants, can fall down and get hurt, yes. Wearing clothing too tight, yes that can hurt them. Too revealing and boys underwear, no that won't hurt them physically, but emotionally down the line, absolutely. It is not petty, it is looking out for their physical and mental well being.
The child was 3 y/o using scissors unsupervised near the 2 y/o's face. What part of that is not a safety concern? Could of poked her eye out. A 3 y/o and a 2 y/o leaving a home and running down the street, unsupervised because they "ran away" that is a huge safety concern. As for the clothing please see above.
There is no "feeling" in the concerns I am raising, they are legit concerns.
Kids cannot get sick
from wearing shorts and sandals. That is an old wives tale. Even in 45 degree weather. Having raised four kids of my own I can tell you that my kids never got sick from wearing shorts in 45 degree weather. In fact two of them prefer it. And at times they wore a short that was too small or a pair of pants that were too big and they were also never hurt from that. Now kids that age fall all the time so they did fall. Wearing boys underwear is not going to cause emotional trauma and what does "too revealing" mean on a two year old? That would presume some sort of sexuality on non sexual beings.
And as long as the hair cutting incident has happened once it is not an ongoing safety concern and like I said, many kids do that.
The running away is an issue if it happened more than once. Once? Yeah. Kids have been known to do things like that. If it happened once and mom took care of the issue then end of discussion. If it an ongoing issue then your boyfriend has a case for mom being unfit on that issue.
I worked as a CASA for years, with kids with actual unfit parents and the clothing thing would have ended in me telling the court that you needed to stay out of it. Those issues are how you feel. You feel that the kids will get sick. You feel like they will fall. You feel like little jockey shorts will cause emotional harm. These are not legitimate concerns.
If you read the whole post
You would of read I said a t shirt, shorts, and sandals, in 40 degree weather. Water freezes at 32 degrees, so yeah, they can definitely get sick especially that little. I am not sitting here saying that because of that is what makes her an unfit parent, there are lots of things that make her unfit parent, but I was not going to sit here and write an itemized list of all the reasons she is unfit. I am using some examples. I used those examples to show how she does not pay attention to her children.
You don't have to be a sexual being for something to be revealing and inappropriate. I am not going to go into the whole well if you dress them this way at young ages, what they will probably be wearing in 10 years, that should be totally obvious.
I think your best bet
is to stay out of it. You are going to cost your boyfriend his bid for majority custody. If there are real, legitimate concerns over her fitness as a parent those are the things that should be discussed. What you listed is petty and overall not going to concern the court. The things that will are abuse, drug use, a history of mental instability, putting the kids in dangerous situations through people she is around, etc.
And I am going to continue with..NO, kids cannot get sick from wears shorts, a t-shirt and sandals. IF it were below freezing they could get hypothermia. But they cannot get sick. Kids get sick from bacteria or a virus. Not from cold weather. They could be outside in 45 degree weather in a bathing suit and still, unless they are exposed to a bacteria or virus they will not get sick. And revealing is a loaded comment. Are they wearing stripper clothing at 2 and 4? Or simply shorts or a skirt you have deemed too short?
And how am I going to cost him
his bid for majority of custody? What exactly am I doing to do that? She actually is on probation for drugs currently, so like I said I did not give an itemized list of the reasons why she is unfit. I would really like to know what you say I am doing that is going to make him lose majority custody? Please enlighten me.
As far as the clothing goes.
As far as the clothing goes. Sadly it's a bit of a moot point. Most of it you can't really prove. And when DHR was checking our house, they honestly could care less. Am I disgusted with what Psycho has the kids wear. HE!! YES. Am I pretty sure it was too tight panties that helped contribute to SD6's yeast infected a year and thre quartersish back. ALSO YES. But it's heresay in court.
Scissors unsupervised IF you have solid proof CAN be considered a safety concern. But you have to prove she was unsupervised. If all that came out of it was cut hair and only once. Then a judge will likely write it off as a one time deal.
Escaping and running away. HE!! YES! IF you can prove it as a pattern. One time getting out. Not great, but judges do make leeway for human error (as much as it sucks, because a lot of the human error should NEVER happen).
Unfortunately sourts right now don't always take a look at the emotional wellbeing of a kid. Psycho abanaoned the girls, proof of durg use, proof of cruel things being said. Judge gave her unsupervised. Why? Cuz well they aren't dead right?
I think your bf should argue the move out of state. Courts typically rule that upsetting for a small child. The clothes are unfortunate, but if she has even a few things that fit they'll often write that off. Maybe suggest home studies for both parties if you really think it's that big a concern? If you have solid evidence of the others (meaning he said she said doesn't hold up. You'll need documentation and witnesses) then you're more likely to be able to use those.
Thank you for making me
feel like I am not crazy for have concerns about the well being of the children.
He has text proof from BM texting him telling her both about the scissors and the running away. I get shit happens, but this is also how kids actually do end up dead because they are unsupervised and don't understand what can happen when children that young are not actually being watched.
BM was also arrested and is on probation for drugs, which from what I've seen on here doesn't really help with anyone's case. I think home studies would be helpful for sure, when/how do you go about that?
It's never crazy to be
It's never crazy to be concerned about the kids. You just also need to be realistic about family court. Because family court sucks, especially for fathers.
One time proof of texts won't help too much. You can use it. But it will help more if there's a pattern shown for lack of supervision vs. a one time proof event.
Arrested and on probation for drugs is good.
Easiest way for a home study is to request one. Your bf can call CPS anonymously and say he's worried for their safety, OR he can request one through the courts instead.
I think if there's drug use and he wants to prove her negligent for the good of the girls though, mediation probably isn't going to be an option. As a heads up. But as I said, he really needs to think hard about what's best for the girls and not what's best for him. If he'd still prefer to mediate. Both parites will have to go in willing to compromise and work out a set schedule for them.
Thank you
for some helpful advise/insight
Just trying to feel out all the options
I feel like you are kind of
I feel like you are kind of all over the place. In one post you are totally cool with unloading the kids and letting BM handle most of it and her taking them out of state- because you have plans with BF to move one day and it just makes it easier if BM does it now.
On the other you say BM was arrested for drugs, is a terrible mother, and so on...
Where does your BF actually stand on the wellbeing of his kids? Does he think BM is/can be a good mother? If not, why would you let her leave the state with the kids when he wouldn't be able to see them regularly to make sure they are alright? Does he not care and just want to be done with them and BM at the same time? Are you guys just wanting to start over fresh with no baggage? I am really confused here...
Okay I will lay it all out
yes, I am the gf and have only known the kids for 8 months. But i do love them and I do care about them. Because of what they had ALREADY agreed when they separated, they both acknowledged they were not going to be in the same state in the near future. That was before I came along. So they had agreed what will need to happen is one to have them during the school year and one to have them during holiday/break. What they have been disagreeing on this whole time is WHO gets them during which time frame.
After their discussion yesterday, the BM will not budge on wanting them for the school year. She said she is moving in 5 months. To fight her leaving could jepordize him losing parenting time because she is the mom and they are little as well as having no say in other aspects because it is CO now not negotiated in mediation.
She is not a great mother in my opinion, no or in his opinion. So what he has to decide is to go into debt try and fight to get them during the school year or to agree because it will put him in debt and ultimately still not get what he wants and now it was dragged on and is more harmful to the children.
He does care about their wellbeing, he absolutely wants to be done with BM, if she would agree they could have the divorce finished within a few weeks and battle the custody, which is what he's been wanting to do. However she wants to go to counseling and try to work it out and won't agree to this so it is a non-option at this time.
The only baggage anyone wants to get rid of is the legal tie of BM to my bf.
Why
Are you here? You seem to have it all figured out and refuse to see things from any other perspective. You are right and that’s the end of the story in your mind. You know better than BM how to raise her children, you know better than anyone else with years of experience as parents about what is right for a child or not. Making future plans with another woman’s husband is perfectly ok because you want it to be (btw, “working things out” and everything being finalized are two vastly different things). Almost nothing you’ve said on here is based in actual reality, it’s all about what you feel is right. It’s all your bulldogged subjective opinion, nothing objective or concrete.
so what is it you are looking for on here?
Actually I have taken peoples advice
Because I will not change my opinion that the clothing, scissors and running away are concerns, I am refusing to see things from any other perspective? Pretty sure above I am taking in what people are saying, just not going to sit here and say you're right I should leave him, you're right they should be able to run away and get hit by a car it is not at all safety related, etc.
I never sat here and said anything about knowing better than BM. Also, making plans with a SEPARATED man is not wrong. They are not working things out so i don't know where you got that from?
Everything I have said here is based in actual reality because it is factual information. So don't here and attack me when you have said numerous things that are incorrect and the information is right infront of you, either you did not read it or you did not take it in, not sure which.
Ok
youre absolutely right. He’s not married, you’re not openly critical of BM’s every decision and your opinions on child raising are the very best ever.
Never said any of that
I talked about her clothing choices and her lack of watching the children. Where in there does it say any of the other stuff? No where. So get off your high horse and actually point out a fact. MAJORITY of the people on here were with their SO when they were separated not yet divorced, that's your problem that you have a problem with it.
Ok..
”MAJORITY of the people on here were with their SO when they were separated not yet divorced,”
Can you prove that statement? What is the data to back up your claim?
i don’t care if you’re banging 7 married dudes at once. All I did was point out that your mans is still attached legally to his wife. The military and the legal system view her as his official partner and next of kin. That’s not a moral judgement, just a fact. Why? Do you feel like it’s a moral dilemma? Is that why you are defending it to the death?
You must not of read
the post the other day that blew up with comments about the people who think you shouldn't date someone who is separated. There are LOTS on this post. I am in a relationship with a separated man. I am doing nothing wrong being with him. Clearly the divorce isn't finalized, I don't know how you pointing this out was supposed to be whatsoever helpful
Mediation is a JOKE
especially in high conflict divorces (and what divorce isn't high conflict save for the .000001 percent of striped unicorns getting a divorce out there).
I could have written what you have word for word 15 years ago. I see red flags a flyin' and it doesn't get any better. You seem young so I would run for the hills and find yourself a nice child-free man to have a life with!
Well that was one thing I asked yesterday
was are you okay with agreeing to her terms then? Because I doubt if you're not agreeing in mediation about the terms of custody, it will accomplish anything except get you sent to trial to be in front of a judge. His response was that he thought the same would happen if they weren't agreeing and that he doesn't know what to do.
The red flags though are not flying in my relationship with my boyfriend. I appreciate you telling me what you think is best from your past experience, but unless red flags start popping up between him and I, I will not be going anywhere.
It would be nice if it was a unicorn divorce haha
I might be mixing you up
but are you the one pregnant and hoping to God this divorce is final before your baby is born?
Nope that is I think her username is
Tattedmom or something like that? That post blew up a few days ago. Nope I told my boyfriend no moving in together until the divorce is finalized, no children until we are married, etc. I might be with a separated man, but I do have boundaries of my own that I will not do.