Response to yesterday's blog
After I post this blog I am going to be deleting the other two blogs on the topic. There are some particular comments I want to address from the previous two blogs.
1. Since it was brought up about my boundaries about not wanting to move in together with my bf until his divorce is finalized or the want to celebrate our two year anniversary with the divorce not being done, I will address that. When bf's daughter started calling me mom frequently, my bf brought it up to me about how I felt about it. I said it didn't bother me, but I did not want to encourage it until we got at least engaged if not married. My bf since he was comfortable with it and his child was comfortable with it, took it as I was not ready to commit to him and his child as it is just another boundary I was putting in place on our future. I understood where he was coming from and since it was already happening, I did not want to tell the child no especially since later my bf and I will have kids together and I want everyone to feel inclusive. So I told him that it was okay with me, but I did not want it to be mom or mommy because that is what she calls her mother. Instead I said mama would be okay with me because it is a version of mom without being mom and in other cultures and even just other people refer to friends, etc. as mama.
Also, even though it might be delayed more because of the virus, I am still going to move in with my bf in June like we have planned, but still of course hope that is finalized by then because I really just want it to be a fresh start without the cloud of the divorce still waiting to be done over us. Sure, in certain ways I have held bf at arms length because it was things I was not comfortable with and wanted a certain way especially when it is things I have never done before so I want them to be special without the impact or lingering of a woman from his past. The mama thing was something my bf liked and was important to him so I respected it since it was something that coming up that I would like if it was the child's desire.
2. Now a lot of you disagree and think based on my bf wanting it, me not like the title step mom because it has ALWAYS been societally been referred to as a negative connotation, and not thinking the outside world needs to know that I am (will be) her step mom, not her biological mom means I/we are trying to pretend to be a nuclear family and that I am trying to take the place of her mom. That is not it. Personally, based off my family and my bf's family's ways of being inclusive with stepfamily and my desire to be nothing, but inclusive with his daughter and our future children, does not mean I am insecure of my role or wish I was her mom. Sure, I wish he wasn't married before and that he didn't have a child with another woman, but I have accepted it. Whether you all think so or not, my bf and I even though we are not family because we are not married or even engaged yet, my bf IS my family and by extension so is his daughter. Legally we are not yet and biologically we never will be, but at the end of the day they are part of my family. BM is also part of the child's family, she is her mother. I totally 100% know this, accept this, etc. I really am not trying to replace her mother.
3. BM tricked my bf into letting him believe he was dad to a child for 3 years, called him her dad, had the child call her dad, had bf call the child his daughter, etc. So personally, when BM has played this game and trick whole heartedly for 3 years, then played games for another 1+ about the child, I do not care BM's thoughts on the subject. I am not trying to trick the child or myself like BM did into thinking I am her mom. I am not her mom, when we get married I will be her step mom, but I don't have to go by the title of step mom to make strangers and BM happy, the word mom is still in the damn title.
4. I will go to drop offs/pick ups if my bf and I are already in the car headed to or from somewhere, I will not go home or go get coffee at a convenience store to make BM feel secure. I did not interact with her in any capacity, will not be interacting with her moving forward either. I am not going to hide for BM's benefit, not a chance in hell. I will not spend the rest of my life and neither will my bf thinking every move what is BM going to think? Will BM try and go to court over this? BM does not get to control our lives and she will not. She wants to go to court over me sitting silently in the car? That's fine then we have a whole list of documentation of things on BM where she is not protecting the child or taking care of the child's needs.
5. I appreciate those who are trying to spare my feelings about saying down the road the child may not want to call me mama and that is perfectly fine. I would not punish the child or feel any type of way about it, if it is something that she decides for herself. I am not confusing who I am to this child, but I also do not feel I need to tell the child no she cannot call me that to please majority on this board or BM herself. Also, in regards to if she gets punished or verbally abused at home for it, then we revisit the topic with the child and go from there. At this point in time we are not there, but I am also not going to stop doing it for the fear of it could happen. BM could get over it like other BM's have or when she herself gets serious with a man who she wishes to use more inclusive language for.
6. I am a little insecure that my bf was married before and that he had a child with another woman, but I am not insecure about the child's mother. I did comment on her appearance because she looks like a troll and yes it did make me feel good about myself because I do not look like her. Has nothing to do with being insecure about the woman, but you can't tell me that any of you have not seen BM in person or seen photos of BM and had not one thought in your brain about her appearance because you would be lying. I am not in competition with BM in any capacity. I do KNOW I am better than BM, but that doesn't even have to do with her as a mother, has to do with her as a person when I say that.
7. Tog was right a dog would be a better mom then the BM in my situation, however just because I am allowing her to call me mama does not mean I am trying to pretend I am her mother or to stroke my ego or whatever. I know my bf and I do more for the child than BM does, but that doesn't mean I am comparing or competing it is more of picking up where her mom lacks because we are not going to allow the child to suffer and not do something for her just because her mom didn't do it for her.
8. We are not at all discouraging a relationship between the child and her mother or trying to discredit the fact that BM is her mother. If anything, BM to me is pretty insecure if the title of mama makes her not feel secure about the fact that she is and always will be the child's mother.
9. I was asked how I would feel if I had a kid with bf then divorced and how would I feel about the child calling my ex's partner a name that is a form of mom. Honestly, I wouldn't be bothered by it because 1. I would know I am the child's mother and no one could change that fact, 2. I would accept it if it was someone my ex had been with for a long period of time and has done nothing, but encourage the child to grow, be independent, be there for her, etc., 3. I wouldn't love it, but I also wouldn't fight it because I would realize I had a child with someone, who I am no longer with and there is someone else doing things a mom does for my child while in my ex's care... A lot of you probably think I am just saying that and I am not a mom or even been married so how would i know, but I do know because I would be more worried about my child being taken care of when not in my care than being insecure about a title when I would be the only true mother to that child.
10. I am 100% fully aware I am not the child's mother. I am not at all trying to replace her mother. I am not delusional or confused about my role in the child's life.
So that are my points, like another poster commented, it is a decision made jointly in the household and I am going to own it. If your commentary is about telling me how I am desperate, overstepping, etc. then don't comment it because it will be deleted. I respected your opinions by reading them and I agree to disagree, but I will not be raked over the coals because it is something that majority of you disagree with. What is important is it was the child's decision, it will be revisited if it comes down to being harmful to the child, it is what is right and comfortable for the people in my life, and that is that. Thank you.