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Response to yesterday's blog

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

After I post this blog I am going to be deleting the other two blogs on the topic. There are some particular comments I want to address from the previous two blogs. 

For starters:

1. Since it was brought up about my boundaries about not wanting to move in together with my bf until his divorce is finalized or the want to celebrate our two year anniversary with the divorce not being done, I will address that. When bf's daughter started calling me mom frequently, my bf brought it up to me about how I felt about it. I said it didn't bother me, but I did not want to encourage it until we got at least engaged if not married. My bf since he was comfortable with it and his child was comfortable with it, took it as I was not ready to commit to him and his child as it is just another boundary I was putting in place on our future. I understood where he was coming from and since it was already happening, I did not want to tell the child no especially since later my bf and I will have kids together and I want everyone to feel inclusive. So I told him that it was okay with me, but I did not want it to be mom or mommy because that is what she calls her mother. Instead I said mama would be okay with me because it is a version of mom without being mom and in other cultures and even just other people refer to friends, etc. as mama. 

Also, even though it might be delayed more because of the virus, I am still going to move in with my bf in June like we have planned, but still of course hope that is finalized by then because I really just want it to be a fresh start without the cloud of the divorce still waiting to be done over us. Sure, in certain ways I have held bf at arms length because it was things I was not comfortable with and wanted a certain way especially when it is things I have never done before so I want them to be special without the impact or lingering of a woman from his past. The mama thing was something my bf liked and was important to him so I respected it since it was something that coming up that I would like if it was the child's desire. 

2. Now a lot of you disagree and think based on my bf wanting it, me not like the title step mom because it has ALWAYS been societally been referred to as a negative connotation, and not thinking the outside world needs to know that I am (will be) her step mom, not her biological mom means I/we are trying to pretend to be a nuclear family and that I am trying to take the place of her mom. That is not it. Personally, based off my family and my bf's family's ways of being inclusive with stepfamily and my desire to be nothing, but inclusive with his daughter and our future children, does not mean I am insecure of my role or wish I was her mom. Sure, I wish he wasn't married before and that he didn't have a child with another woman, but I have accepted it. Whether you all think so or not, my bf and I even though we are not family because we are not married or even engaged yet, my bf IS my family and by extension so is his daughter. Legally we are not yet and biologically we never will be, but at the end of the day they are part of my family. BM is also part of the child's family, she is her mother. I totally 100% know this, accept this, etc. I really am not trying to replace her mother.

3. BM tricked my bf into letting him believe he was dad to a child for 3 years, called him her dad, had the child call her dad, had bf call the child his daughter, etc. So personally, when BM has played this game and trick whole heartedly for 3 years, then played games for another 1+ about the child, I do not care BM's thoughts on the subject. I am not trying to trick the child or myself like BM did into thinking I am her mom. I am not her mom, when we get married I will be her step mom, but I don't have to go by the title of step mom to make strangers and BM happy, the word mom is still in the damn title. 

4. I will go to drop offs/pick ups if my bf and I are already in the car headed to or from somewhere, I will not go home or go get coffee at a convenience store to make BM feel secure. I did not interact with her in any capacity, will not be interacting with her moving forward either. I am not going to hide for BM's benefit, not a chance in hell. I will not spend the rest of my life and neither will my bf thinking every move what is BM going to think? Will BM try and go to court over this? BM does not get to control our lives and she will not. She wants to go to court over me sitting silently in the car? That's fine then we have a whole list of documentation of things on BM where she is not protecting the child or taking care of the child's needs. 

5. I appreciate those who are trying to spare my feelings about saying down the road the child may not want to call me mama and that is perfectly fine. I would not punish the child or feel any type of way about it, if it is something that she decides for herself. I am not confusing who I am to this child, but I also do not feel I need to tell the child no she cannot call me that to please majority on this board or BM herself. Also, in regards to if she gets punished or verbally abused at home for it, then we revisit the topic with the child and go from there. At this point in time we are not there, but I am also not going to stop doing it for the fear of it could happen. BM could get over it like other BM's have or when she herself gets serious with a man who she wishes to use more inclusive language for.

6. I am a little insecure that my bf was married before and that he had a child with another woman, but I am not insecure about the child's mother. I did comment on her appearance because she looks like a troll and yes it did make me feel good about myself because I do not look like her. Has nothing to do with being insecure about the woman, but you can't tell me that any of you have not seen BM in person or seen photos of BM and had not one thought in your brain about her appearance because you would be lying. I am not in competition with BM in any capacity. I do KNOW I am better than BM, but that doesn't even have to do with her as a mother, has to do with her as a person when I say that. 

7. Tog was right a dog would be a better mom then the BM in my situation, however just because I am allowing her to call me mama does not mean I am trying to pretend I am her mother or to stroke my ego or whatever. I know my bf and I do more for the child than BM does, but that doesn't mean I am comparing or competing it is more of picking up where her mom lacks because we are not going to allow the child to suffer and not do something for her just because her mom didn't do it for her. 

8. We are not at all discouraging a relationship between the child and her mother or trying to discredit the fact that BM is her mother. If anything, BM to me is pretty insecure if the title of mama makes her not feel secure about the fact that she is and always will be the child's mother. 

9. I was asked how I would feel if I had a kid with bf then divorced and how would I feel about the child calling my ex's partner a name that is a form of mom. Honestly, I wouldn't be bothered by it because 1. I would know I am the child's mother and no one could change that fact, 2. I would accept it if it was someone my ex had been with for a long period of time and has done nothing, but encourage the child to grow, be independent, be there for her, etc., 3. I wouldn't love it, but I also wouldn't fight it because I would realize I had a child with someone, who I am no longer with and there is someone else doing things a mom does for my child while in my ex's care... A lot of you probably think I am just saying that and I am not a mom or even been married so how would i know, but I do know because I would be more worried about my child being taken care of when not in my care than being insecure about a title when I would be the only true mother to that child. 

10. I am 100% fully aware I am not the child's mother. I am not at all trying to replace her mother. I am not delusional or confused about my role in the child's life.

 

So that are my points, like another poster commented, it is a decision made jointly in the household and I am going to own it. If your commentary is about telling me how I am desperate, overstepping, etc. then don't comment it because it will be deleted. I respected your opinions by reading them and I agree to disagree, but I will not be raked over the coals because it is something that majority of you disagree with. What is important is it was the child's decision, it will be revisited if it comes down to being harmful to the child, it is what is right and comfortable for the people in my life, and that is that. Thank you. 

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

I'm really concerned that you feel the need to defend yourself/explain yourself to relative strangers on a message board.

Darling girl. This place is no more than a produce stand. You get to squeeze the fruit and take only what you want from it. Walk away from what doesn't suit you.

And when you log off, don't take any of the crap anyone said with you. This is the only way to have peace while interacting with others on the Internet.

((Hugs))

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

((Hugs))

Just find myself at a bit of emotional place after the news that there is a possibility the judge won't sign off on the divorce until May or later. I know it will happen, but it has been nothing but delay, after delay, after delay. My bf and I deserve for this to be over and sometimes it feels like it never will be. Then it takes me to the dark place of I wish my bf 2 years ago decided that the child wasn't his and gave up his rights so then we wouldn't be in this position now. Added on top of I have wanted to get out of the industry I am in and back into my old one but this coronavirus is going to defer me from getting a new job anytime soon. Just a lot more negative than bad, all not in my control! 

I know it could be worse and that is what I keep telling myself, but man oh man, just want some light at the end of the tunnel sometime soon. 

xoxo

bananaseedo's picture

Listen here girl...I get you 100pct....NOBODY deserved a quick divorce more then a me and a million other people in domestic abuse situations...I had to wait literally almost 3 years before it was over.  NON-contested in a 30 day state also.  So yeah, don't get impatient. It's on it's way. I KNOW how hard it is to wait until it's over....it will be and then the relief will come.  But don't think you two are above millions of impatient people waiting for it to be the hell over.  You're nothing special in the courts eyes...or right now in midst of all this chaos...his divorce isn't a damn priority kwim?

 

Siemprematahari's picture

I agree with Futuro!

Your posts have triggered many on this site, me included but please know you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, regardless if we are all in agreement or not. If this is the path you are choosing to go on, by all means do you.

Hugs to you on waiting for the divorce being finalized. Easier said than done but be patient and enjoy every moment with BF. Wishing you both much love during this time.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

definitely way easier said then done! 

xoxo

Monkeysee's picture

You dont have to explain yourself, as others have said. I do think it’s a red flag your bf pushed for the mama title, and I don’t agree with your take on inclusivity being linked to the word mama. Again, your sd does not need to call you mama to love you, and you don’t need her to call you that to be a good SM to her. 

Make whatever call you want, but there is validity in what people are saying about the likelihood of this causing problems with your HCBM, which can/will filter down to your SD. If that’s worth it, then fine. Personally, I’d rather not go down that path in your shoes with your BM, but that’s just me. As futuro said, I’m just a faceless stranger on the internet whose opinion doesn’t count Wink

futurobrillante99's picture

Aren't we all just faceless strangers offering up our own personal POV.

In my time here at ST I have read a lot of harsh things I wasn't ready to read or accept. So, I had to leave them behind until I was ready to grasp the information.

I realize that some people here SAW where my 2nd marriage was headed and SAW the abuse, but I would make excuse after excuse much to their frustration.

Most people here mean really well and are trying to save others a lot of heartache.

Some posters have their own issues and resentments, and like to bludgeon other posters with their POV.

Each of us has to sift through responses to our posts to find what we can use or are ready to accept, and discard the rest.

Monkeysee's picture

I wasn’t slagging what you said, at the end of the day we really are just faceless strangers & our opinions only count as far as someone is willing to listen to them. If future wants to continue to let her SD call her mama, that’s her call. All I and everyone else can do is share our thoughts on why we do or do not agree and why. It’s no skin off my nose either way!

Livingoutloud's picture

Sometimes people aren't ready to face reality and hear the truth. And that's ok. We all have been there where we just can't see and hear and are in denial (especially in young age). And that's ok.
 

But we still can suggest/advice and express opinions on what we see. It's perfectly fine to ignore said opinions or revisit them later.  There is no rule on having to follow any advice. At the end of the day it's your life and you can do things your way and these are your mistakes to make. We will continue living our own lives the way we see fit. Hope all works out 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

everything I was told on here as reality and the truth, I would not still be in a relationship with my bf. I was told early on how there was basically no potential of my relationship working out and that my bf will put me last, etc. However, my relationship has definitely not only worked out, but flourished, we are stronger than ever and continue to grow stronger every day. 

I have been told on here how basically everything I was doing was a mistake, etc. however only thing I can agree on that the majority was right on was about being optimistic my bf would win in court over BM when family court is definitely pro BM. That right there I will admit I was wrong about, but that was about me being optimistic because logically it shouldn't work that way.

Just because you and I disagree on it and that is not what you think is right, does not make it a mistake.

Livingoutloud's picture

It was a general comment that anyone can share on online forum and anyone can have an opinion on it and anyone can still do what they want to do. It just the nature of online forums 

advice.only2's picture

I understand your perspective and that you are still new and don't have the stench of stephell firmly imprinted on you yet...but...you are on this site for a reason, and that's where it starts.

Harry's picture

Is no big deal.  Many of us have done that in someway.  If your SO is putting you first that great.  Anything I learn is that people really don't change.  So what you have now is what you will be getting. 

You can never control BM.  You should not let BM control your home.   Just make sure your SO doesn't let BM control him.  Make sure you have date nights once or twice a month.  That you get away alone a few times a year.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

He has never made me question whether he would. I am lucky my bf doesn't let BM control him, never has and he respects not just me but our relationship as well. I have definitely seen on here what you mean that people don't change even with time! 

We definitely do the date nights and vacations, they are very important! Date night will be redefined for sure with all this quarantine but definitely will be able to still make it special at home!

Monique52's picture

Hi there

I've been reading your posts and had never commented. But based on the things you've gone through, you deserve to be called how ever your little girl wants to call you. I am a SM myself who started being in my SS life since he was less than 2 years old ( he is almost 6 now). He started to called me mommy naturally. His mom referred to me as his 2nd mommy several times (when things were ok, when there wasn't any boundaries) as soon as I started creating boundaries and noticing her malicious actions towards my husband and my family, she started poisoning my SS. But guess what he had never stop calling me "mommy" I know I'm his SM but Is not my place to stop him. If she(BM) wants to do it, she is free to do whatever the hell she wants on her time, but guess what: on our time we can do whatever the hell we want as well. 

Don't be discourage by others, everybody have different ways of doing things at their houses and whatever works for them; good. But whatever works for you is also good. If she loves you and respect you enough to call you mama let her do it, don't be the villain in her life to change that natural behavior, if her mom doesn't like it she can stop it at her time, but that's not yours or your BF responsability Smile

tog redux's picture

Obviously, all of this is your call.

I do hope you will listen to those of us who have experience in this area, though.  As you've pointed out, many of predicted exactly what would happen with your BM and court, so we do know what we are talking about. 

Livingoutloud's picture

oh date nights on quarantine...We are putting up legos. We like archectural ones. We have several sets done and new ones awaiting and one is half done (Eiffel tower). Yes we are dorks lol

I am off for possibly 4 weeks. But my DH endangers himself daily when his shift is up (hospital RN). So when we are off we now do this stuff. Of course there is always tv amd books. But it's not as bonding 

good luck