OT - Hosting Etiquette
So I might totally be in the wrong on this, but bf and I have married couple that we are friends with that honestly have been really frustrating lately. We have been friends with them for about a year. Every time we go over their house it seems we put out a lot of money. Up until we moved this past June neither of had the space to really host them so we have gone over there quite a bit. Bf and I have been raised right and never go there or anyone else's home without bringing something. So we ask what can we bring? The last couple of times they have asked for us to bring for mimoas, bloody mary, and beer for a brunch with the four of us, tequila and mix to make margartas and beer, etc. Aka usually it is the alochol and quite a bt of it, plus typically a side or appetizer. So usually is like $100 or more each time we go over. Lately, we have been instead suggested to go to an outdoor winery or something of this nature to avoid this issue. Plus the last 5 times when on our way, ask for us to pick up 9 lbs. or so of ice. So while we are covering that, they get tacos or something food related that on the scale of being even is very far off.
The issue that lead me to writing this post is two weeks ago they invited us to a labor day bbq they are having. It will be us, them, and their one friend so five people. When we saw them last weekend they told us they were doing crabs, I said cool, we will bring a side. I decided I was done asking what to bring because then it becomes this long list that adds up so to avoid it I just said I was bring a side. Then the wife asks me to make a crab dip and I say sure. Now I get a text asking if we will chip in $15 per person for crab legs. Any other friend couple I wouldn't mind because they don't make me feel like they are taking advantage of us, but I really feel like they have been taking advantage of us so it irritates me, especially since they decided on the menu. Correct me if I am wrong, but I just don't feel like going to our friends should be as expensive as going out every time.
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Ya that sounds kinda shady to
Ya that sounds kinda shady to ask you to pitch in for crab legs when you bring stuff all the time. Hosting always costs us a lot but when we host, we usually have a lot of people. Maybe you don't realize how much they are spending on the little things that add up but if you are bringing food, drinks and ice and spending up to $100 that is a lot for just a few people.
Right?
It's usually just the four of us too! The time we brought the margarita stuff and beer, we spent about $100 to have our own taco margarita festival because we didn't want to go to the local one due to Covid. The wife asked us to bring a specific tequila we know she likes and they just provided tacos and Mexican corn that was it and that's usually how it is.
we don't mind pitching in and every time we go to a friends or family members we bring at least a side, but it shouldn't cost us the same amount as if we went out to go to our friends every time
There's a difference of
There's a difference of expectations between "hey, we're gonna do a crab dinner and you guys are invited" and "hey, we should all pitch in one day for a huge crab dinner and gorge ourselves on crab". Most of the time when we host we provide everything. It's only when it's a joint decision and not an invitation that we try to split costs.
Right?!
Like if it was put that way we would of been like oh yeah let's do it! Not invite us over for crabs and such then ask me a few days out if we will pitch in towards the crabs, like it was your idea you invited us for crabs but now we are making a side and pitching in when we always bring/spend a lot.
when I've hosted or we even hosted a dinner party at the new place, we don't ask people to bring anything. Our friends said they wanted to bring an appetizer though so we said oh okay, sure, but we provided everything else and that was our intention when inviting them over.
100% this.
100% this.
Chip in $15 PER PERSON? I
Chip in $15 PER PERSON? I mean... what kind are they getting? Where I live you can get crab legs (good ones) for less than $15 per pound...
I do believe I would slowly distance myself from these friends.
Right!!
If it wasn't her husbands last weekend till he comes back in 3 months we probably wouldn't be going. So I just told her sure but we are pretty bothered by it. Especially after I said sure she said everyone wanted crabs blah blah blah, but she never asked us or anything and said how they are expensive so it was just a thought. I am still making a crab dip and we are bringing our own beer just as our own personal preference. Just is frustrating because it's not that we ever try and get out of pitching in and it wasn't our idea.
If there's one couple or
If there's one couple or person in a group who always ends up hosting because they have the only place that will accommodate everyone or they're centrally located to everyone, then I think it's fine for them to ask people to pitch in, but that expectation should be made clear right from the beginning. To invite someone over and then ask them for money after they've accepted is just rude. Sure, crab can be expensive, but if the host can't afford crab, then have something affordable. These friends don't sound like people I'd want to hang out with too often - I'd prefer to go out if I'm going to spend as much to go to their house as I would to go out.
Well that’s what
We have been trying to do is go out instead but I get the vibe they don't want to go out and spend the money they rather be at their home. Meanwhile finally we can host but the husband is leaving after this weekend
I would cancel. It's Covid
I would cancel. It's Covid times and these ppl are cheap.
I don't know if this is a
I don't know if this is a matter of being "raised right" so much as a difference in perception of the friendship.
If I am going to an acquaintance's home, I bring a gift. But, amongst my closer group of friends? We all end up paying something when we hang out together, whether it's chipping in for delivery food or bringing ice or bringing some liquor (either for ourselves or to share).
It could be that these friends have seen themselves go from hosting friends to hanging out with friends. I would never assume when my friends invite me out somewhere for crabs or some other expensive dish (crabs are expensive here) that they're paying for me. I'd assume I'd need to pay. Actually, anything above pizza I assume I need to chip in for. Unless they say "my treat", I just automatically assume it'll cost me money and will ask how much.
If you all are good friends, you should be able to easily say "hey, we like hanging out and appreciate you hosting, but we can't afford liquor for all four of us every weekend". I had the same conversations with my friends, and we switched it up to folks just bringing their own drinks.
In short, don't just assume you're being used. You might be, I won't discount that. But these friends may have just reached a level of comfortability with you all that they think their requests are reasonable. Since you and BF haven't said otherwise, then they have no way of knowing that their requests aren't reasonable. I could honestly see this situation going either way.
But they didn’t invite
Us out for crabs. Anytime invited out anywhere I would never assume anyone is paying for us. Hell I wouldn't even let anyone pay for us. They invited us over for a Labor Day bbq that they said they were having crabs. I would never assume someone inviting us over for food at their home where they didn't preface from the get-go that on top of bringing a side which we at the very least always do that we are expected to pay them money towards crabs that they invited us over for. Especially when she is passing it off as we asked to have crabs or such, she told us "we are having crabs" so we said okay. Personally would be just as happy with burgers as crabs especially when there is a place we like that for just a ltitle more we can get crab legs, shrimp, etc. so might as well go out at that point.
we always bring SOMETHING but we always end up spending $100 or so dollars to go to their home when they invite us over and they either cook burgers or bought tacos. Yes they are hosting but if I am hosting I'm not asking my friends to bring anything let alone spend more than we are spending when we invited them over. That's my point it's a constant trend of hey come over but bring x,y, and z, aka a whole list of stuff. It's not like we are inviting ourselves over or anything like that. We have been trying to go out with them versus come over because it was getting frustrating.
In a case where one couple is
In a case where one couple is bearing the burden of hosting the socializing most of the time.. it's more than just the money.. they may also have to spend time cleaning.. before and after.. dealing with extra trash..wear and tear on the home etc... providing the venue is in itself a "value".
On top of that, it does sound like they are also providing (most of the time).. a decent amount of the food.. the food for a mexican fiesta.. for 4 people can add up by the time you buy all the separate ingredients.. they could easily end up with a 100 dollar grocery tab.
I will be honest 100 dollars for the alcohol for 4 people for one event sounds pretty high.. but if everyone is a big drinker.. then it is what it is. Keep in mind that half that spending is theoretically for your self too.
We have alot of crab feasts in my neck of the woods because we live on the bay. a steamed bushel can cost upwards of 100 dollars before you add in any exras.. corn..salads etc..
9lbs of ice is like 2-3 bucks too.. I'm sure that is a convenience thing as maybe their freezer couldn't fit something that size.
I think the bottom line is that you will need to decide whether the price of admission is worth it. It sounds like they really aren't "hosting"... more like providing a venue to pot-luck type events. perhaps they have had bad experiences in the past where they were stuck hosting to a bunch of freeloaders and they are ultra sensitive to being taken advantage of.
And I can agree with that
except usually when trying to get together and go out to avoid this being an issue, they say well why don't you all just come here?
As for the mexican food, she ordered it and was braggng how good the place was and how it all only cost $40. When we got the tequila she wanted and enough for what we knew everyone was going to drink it was like $110. The ice thing, we don't mind picking up it is just in combination of last minute asking us to pick up additional things to the list already given to bring.
We have been hanging out with them for a year and have never shown up wthout bringing anything and even when we go to a winery, we bring food for everyone, etc. so we clearly are not freeloaders and if we are expected to pay that much everytime I don't want to go to their home I rather go out. Which is how we have been playing it for the last few months after it has been a recurring theme of every time we go over there. I am going to try and have them over our place next time and we aren't even going to ask them to bring anything, but the wife likes to be at her home versus anywhere else.
It does sound like they are
It does sound like they are cheap. I would probably resort to bringing cheaper versions of things.. and maybe being more proactive when asking them to come over..
I understand the host thing usually means host provides venue and food/drink.. but when you get into casual hanging out.. it is more common for people to split the costs. Maybe you could turn it around and have her provide the beverage service and apps.. and tell her.. "oh.. no.. let us pick up that main meal on the way when we get some ice so it will be fresh??". lol
Haha I like that idea!
Only good news is we probably won't be hanging out with them till December. The wife was trying to get us to split an air b n b and go down to visit him/the beach town in October but honestly I don't have any desire to open that can of worms! Especially when they did that with another couple friend the man gave her $3 less than their half and she was pissed about it. I mean I get it he did short her but $3 really?