You are here

O/T - Dowry

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I thought you all might be interested in this or at the very least if you need entertainment, this should provide you with some. To make a long story short, I used to work with this man named John and this man named Luke, we all became friends while we were co-workers, this was almost 4 years ago, but we all have different jobs now. Well John is now married and expecting a baby with his wife, we are very good friends and they have been together 10 yearsish. Luke has a girlfriend we will call Vicki, they started dating about 2 months after bf and I, so they have been together now 2 years. So we all used to spend time together, but bf and I, will not hang out with Luke and Vicki anymore because there is always drama and 99% of it is from Vicki. No one likes Vicki in our group, Luke's roommate, any of our other mutual friends, etc. John and Luke are best friends though, so they will stay hangout, but John's wife refuses to hangout with Vicki either. To make a very long story short and without telling 100 examples, Vicki thinks basically every woman is trying to or has slept with Luke, she is very controlling, very stuck up, rude, etc. Vicki has accused John's wife of being into Luke, simply because she is a female and has been around Luke a lot. When the 6 of us have all hung out, Vicki is very stand offish, makes rude comments, acts better than everyone, etc. and once bf and I leave, Vicki starts drama with the four of them, so John's wife is like you can see Luke and he can come over, etc. but I don't want Vicki here and since I am pregnant I am especially not dealing with this.

So we see John and his wife at least once a month and I do "happetizer hour" with the wife instead of happy hour like we used to because she is pregnant about once a month as well. Every so often we ask how Luke is doing. We still like Luke, but because of Vicki we will not spend time with them unless it is a larger group where we don't need to interact much with Vicki. About two months ago apparently Luke and Vicki got into an argument which lead to Luke trying to drive off, but Vicki pulled her car up so close to his driver side door he had to climb through the passenger side to get into his seat to drive away. Well, Luke drives off and Vicki speeds up after him basically doing a car chase. Vicki ends up crashing her car and totaling it on this. If there were not enough red flags yet, you would think this one would wake Luke up, but no, instead he helps her buy a new car. Btw Vicki was not hurt during the accident.

So that brings us to last weekend when we saw John and his wife so as we usually do, we asked how Luke and Vicki are doing and if Luke has woken up to reality yet. John laughs and says no wait till you hear this story. So John proceeds to tell us how in order for Luke to marry Vicki like he wants to do, he needs to pay a dowry to her family in order for him to marry her.... Not only that, but the ring needs to be 3 months pay, and Vicki wants a $100,000 wedding........ Apparently Vicki says this is customary for her culture and he can't marry her unless he does the first two things..... So bf and I were just like what are there some goats included too in this dowry? .... Just blows my mind how dense some people can be. We all joke, but in all seriousness if Luke ever cheated, we really think Vicki would murder him, like legit homicide. Anyways, that was my mornings entertainment for you all. I thought about it because of this podcast I was listening to this morning.



Winterglow's picture

Well, to start with, a dowry is paid by the parents to the prospective groom, not the other way round. So in other words, her parents want him to buy his bride? Not likely, I hope!

I hope these demands have knocked some sense into Luke and that he high-tailed it to the hills!

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I think Luke used the word dowry to get the concept across because at first he was explaining it as a donation to the her family to marry her.

Yep! That is basically what their custom is apparently. I told bf if that was my family's custom I would tell him to marry me and not pay my family. Women are not pieces of property to be exchanged for marriage like in the old days, we came too far for this to really still be a thing!

NOPE he still wants to marry her. The only thing questionable he told John is the $100,000 price tag for the wedding especially since my friends spent a quarter of that and had their wedding at a resort.

Winterglow's picture

So now I'm curious as to what country/community has these customs... Want to clue us in? And it what world do the bride's parents get to set the price tag?

You might point out to Luke that "when in Rome..." would be more appropriate seeing as they are living in his country AND that, if they want to play the "customs" game then it would be HER parents who would be covering the cost of the wedding. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

she references "in my country" or "in my culture" pretty frequently, but I have never witnessed her making these comments to ask her. I think she somehow knows bf and I will not put up with bs like she pulls when we are not around or after we leave. John said she is Pakistani. Well especially when the bride's parents ARE NOT paying for the wedding. I forgot to point that out, but thought it was implied in my story.

EXACTLY! I have not seen Luke since May? That time Vicki was actually alright, she was the most polite I had ever seen her and participating in conversation, etc. but I think it might be because we had SD. I don't text Luke either because Vicki is so insecure and assumes it means something more than friendship and I am not inviting that drama into my life. Meanwhile if she knew 3 months before she met Luke that he drunkingly confessed his love for me she would probably hate me, but instead she thinks the other two women in this friend group have a thing for or had a thing for her man. Maybe I intimidate her and that's why she doesn't pull these stunts with me? I really am not sure. I am grateful for it not happening, but don't appreciate the way she treats my friends.

justmakingthebest's picture

I have a feeling that the reality is Vickie's family will bleed him dry for the rest of their lives. This "dowry" thing is just the beginning. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I mean it is one of those things that at this point I don't feel bad for Luke. There have been so MANY red flags, but he just continues on that he loves her and wants to marry her. His other really good friend who is Luke's roommate won't even speak a word to her, his best friend's wife won't have her over anymore, etc. John has even said that he knows he can do better, etc. but none of it makes any difference to him. All I know is if they get married, I hope we don't get invited to the wedding, because this is one I think I wouldn't be able to go to because I do not suppport it at all.

ESMOD's picture

hahaha... when my husband asked my dad if he could marry me.. my dad said "don't give her back"  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Omg that was so awkward because I had no idea what to say. The next day he texted me and apologized if he made me feel uncomfortable, etc. I have since pretended it never happened. Bf always teases he is going to tell Vicki to see what happens, but then he says he fears from mine and Luke's safety if she knew even though nothing ever happened.

SeeYouNever's picture

Thanks for this Friday morning entertainment! If Luke ever saves up Vicki's down payment I look forward to some juicy bridezilla stories. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

HA! That is true I could do a bridezilla series! I told bf I would rather if he had that kind of money to spend it on a home! Luke makes decent money, but not money that he can just be like $100,000 wedding? No problem. Plus then there is the whole 5 figure wedding ring she expects. Again, I would never want my SO to spend that much on something like that.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Some cultures have this tradition.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and continues the idea of women are property that can be bought. I definitely don't support that especially when you are living somewhere where women have rights. Paying a "bride price" just makes my body scream how wrong it is.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Yes it does look like that is what he was talking about

Felicity0224's picture

Do you know what nationality she is? My BIL had to pay $10,000 in order to get "permission" to propose to his girlfriend, who was Hmong. He paid it, bought a ring, and then they had some kind of ceremonial proposal that he had to do with her parents before he could ask her. He never complained about any of it because he felt that she was worth it. They also had a much bigger wedding than he wanted because her family insisted it was necessary to show off to their guests who were coming from overseas. The wedding was entirely funded by him. Well, 2 months before their second anniversary, she left him for her personal trainer. He was totally blindsided and it messed him up for a while.

The real kicker is that while they were married, he was the sole earner and he paid for her to go to nursing school. Shortly after they were married, her parents gifted them $3000 for the down payment on a house, but that was the only financial contribution "she" made during their marriage. In the divorce proceedings, he kept the house and her parents demanded that he repay them $3k. Of course we all wanted him to point out that he actually felt they owed him a $7k refund due to the fact that their daughter didn't uphold her end of the deal. But he just wanted it over with, so he paid them $3k just to put an end to it. I think he's over it, but my blood still boils when I think about the absolute nerve of that whole family.

still learning's picture

What a trainwreck! It sounds like her family should be paying him to take her off their hands.  

queensway's picture

How many girlfriends has poor Luke had? Either she is a total freak in the sheets and that is why he is still with her or he just hasn't dated enough women. Either way Vicki has got to go! Somebody needs to save Luke. If he does get married, Vicki is going to carry his b@lls in her purse for the rest of his life.