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Maybe it is because it started with majority?

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So lately, I have been seeing quite a bit of posts with SM or SF's struggling dealing with custody being flipped that their SO has full custody or even that their SO wants to fight for more custody. I even see this with my friend, the SM who I have written about a few times, that it causes a lot of anxiety or bad feelings towards getting or fighting for more custody. So I wonder if many of those who feel this way started their relationship with their SO when they had limited custody or visitation with their children. Meanwhile when I started dating my SO, he had majority custody (at this point not in writing), but he had the children for average of 70-75% every month for 1.5 years. In the beginning of course we went on dates just us and I didn't meet them for a few months, but once I did and everyone became more comfortable it was abnormal for them to not be around vs. being around. Personally, I have no objections to if we ever could have SD majority and quite honestly, I hope we do get that one day, but I am not counting on it. I would not planning on a future with my SO if I was not prepared or okay with that possibility. My friend on the other hand, has told me many times she is not ready for her DH to have more custody even though up until the blocking BM's number, they had a pretty good case for getting more. Since her and her DH have been together they have had out of state custody and BM half the time does not follow the court order so they don't see her as much as is ordered. I just feel like it is harder for those who are not used to the skids being primarily with their SO, to cope with the change of getting them more. 

I am not even going to touch base on the people who's SO does not have a CO because that is a whole different ball game entirely. I do remember the frustrations of there not being a CO schedule although mine were the opposite of most. SO had the kids most of the time so it was frustrating waiting till last minute to plan adult only activities or dates when you never knew when BM would be "able" to see the kids when it was more like when she "wanted" to. So I did not have to deal with randomly the kids are here, etc. more like when won't they be here so we can do a date night.

Just food for thought, I could be just stereotyping.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

I mean any of us could wind up with the skids full time with no reprieve at any given time that lightening strikes. I think it is unrealistic to prepare yourself for that. 

BM could have a car accident or cancer or literally struck by lightening. We never know when something like that COULD happen. I think you always have to prepare for that possibility.

I started out helping DH fight for more, and did for almost 5 year. At this point, due to the damage that BM caused to my SS neither DH or I want him full time anymore. DH just wants the scheduled visitation and communication. But if BM did suddenly die or something happen and he came to live with us, I would be prepared. I have never stopped preparing that it is a remote possibiltiy. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but I feel like sometimes here and like my friend, think that if they don't want primary or full then it simply will never  happen.

Oh I agree with you. I feel so bad for your DH and you on the situation with SS. That is horrible, but I agree that you should not fight for more, but he should get what is outlined already in the CO. 

Sparkl3s's picture

A lot of it has to do with their spouses' being shitty parents and leaning on the SM and SF to do things they themselves don't do. 
 

If my hubs got full custody all of a sudden we would have to discuss him changing his career. Being out of town for 3 weeks at a time monthly would not being something I would want to handle with two more kids full time. He takes the lead with dinner and their laundry when the skids come over. I've noticed a lot of step parents get "used" i say used bc they get gaslight and sold the "we are a team speech" but aren't given the tools needed by the actual parent to succeed. They have their authority constantly questioned, their decisions overturned, and everyone expects them to be happy and cope. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I agree with everything you say.

I guess I was more pointing out some newcomers that are only months in and are saying they don't want their partner to get more than they already have and I think you should go into it knowing that it is indeed possible one day you could get full custody. If the parent was a shit parent then maybe rethink getting in the relationship because if they do get full, they are not magically going to become a good parent.

Sparkl3s's picture

I found this haven of stepparent hood about 3 months into my relationship and BM is/was a wackado. If you take the advice here for it's face value and apply some techniques/points of view/styles to your role as a step parent you can find some way to control  your situation. 

I learned about parallel parenting here, you can't coparent with a wackado. 
 

I learned and implemented "ignore the whore" from here. If it's not about the skids ignore. If it isn't about the skids he doesn't even reply to her texts. 
I'm still working on not giving wackado space

in my head, that is easier said than done. There will be graduations, weddings, baby showers.... but I'm readyish. Newcomers sometimes aren't ready to see the situation for what it is and admit the apple of their eye has flaws. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I don't think it's so much not being prepared for having their SKs full-time as it is folks who ignore the poor parenting (and the consequential bad behavior) of their partner but tolerate the bad behavior to keep their partner. That gets far harder to tolerate when you go from twice a month with the kids to daily.

Sure, there are SPs out there that don't want anything to do with their partner's kid(s). If they can disengage, great! If they can't and just become bitter, they probably shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with kids. BUT, I think situations like that are rare. More often than not, the issues are parents who don't parent and SPs who will tolerate bad parenting while hoping the kids stay away.

You can't prepare for having unruly kids full-time if your partner won't parent them, other than to not get into a serious relationship with someone whose kids you can't stand even in the short term. It sucks that that's the choice, but that's the choice.

tog redux's picture

You like your skid and your BF is a good parent, that's the difference.  I would have been okay with full custody too, for the same reasons. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I mean things would of came to a head I feel like if he chose to stay in BM's older child's life because of the behavior problems, I was already sleeping less at bf's when he had her because I could never get a full or decent night of sleep the last 2 months of seeing her. It wasn't even that my bf was parenting bad, but when that child was spending sooo much more time with BM who was allowing these issues and not being a parent, it was becoming a problem on bf's time. With SD, she is a good natured kid in general so being around BM, her sister, and lack of parenting does not cause the same issues. Sure, there is some attitude or attempt at bossiness, etc. right after pick up, but we don't allow that and address it right away so after a day or two she is back to her normal self. Having her 100% has been a blessing because there is no re-teaching her how to act.

hereiam's picture

I got with DH when SD was 5 (she's now 29), and I really thought she would eventually want to live with us when she got a little older, like 11 or 12 but by then, BM had already alienated her from DH (and me). I was fully prepared for it (for her to move in, not the alienation), although I've never wanted kids. My SD was not a hellion, though, and DH was not a free-for-all parent.

I think a lot of step parents think that if custody is one way, it will stay that way and are not really prepared for it to change. And, I kind of get that but anything can happen.

SubstituteMommy's picture

In my case, my SO has never expected the custody to change. He acts like he owns SD9 and if she ever wants to live with her BM, she will never be able to. He needs SD way more than SD needs him (emotionally) and if custody ever changes, he won't know how to function.

JRI's picture

When DH & I talked about our future life, we envisioned us living with my 2 bios, both of us working, perhaps getting a larger apartment.  I thought he would have his 3 kids on the weekends and that would be it.  "Weekends" morphed into "whenever they arent in school, they are with us". This was a difficult schedule since all the back-and-forth led to transition issues with the kids.  We got a large house and I quit work.

After 4 years, OSS then 13, moved in.  I thought it was just going to be him and I was fine with that, we always got along and I liked him.  In my mind, it felt like I had a new child in addition to my 2 bios.  4 months later. SD then 15 had a fight with BM and ran away.  When she returned, BM & DH decided she would live with us.  I was not consulted but made the best of it altho she was/is a more difficult person. 6 months later, YSS then 11 moved in, too.

So, against every expectation, i found myself full-time SM to my 3 SKs.  Surprisingly, life was easier once they all lived with us because the transition issues stopped.

I never in a million years dreamed BM would give up her kids but she had a new relationship with the man she eventually married.  I don't think he wanted the kids around and the kids didn't like him, either.

What I'm saying is: things happen. Just like the unexpected illness, or the sudden death, or the hurricane - we never know what is in store.  If we marry a person with kids, it is naive to think things will go in one particular way forever.  Circumstances change and people change.

Maxwell09's picture

Parenting is key. My DH has always had majority and I would love to have SS more if BM would ever allow it BUT that's because he has been raised to be respectful of me, our household and our rules regardless of the lack of all those things at BMs. I can't blame anyone here who wouldnt want to deal with raising Stepkids in the last hour having to retesch some of them how to be just be normal humans. So many of these kids are either not parented in their primary home creating bad life habits a stepmom shouldn't have to hide from or correct, and/OR their secondary home is the Disney parent who just parents out of guilt so accountability is never there. 
 

I think so many steps wouldn't care of custody reversed on them if they could count on the bios continually parenting their kids regardless of days wherever. I know SS is self sufficient to the point where if he decides to live with Bm she won't "ruin" him in time to graduate. He will be back before then and probably with some new unlikable habits but fundamentally I've raised a good-hearted, clean, self sufficient child. Bm on the other hand, her other spawn is severely co dependent and displays behaviors even she tried to get labeled as autistic (he wasn't, she's just a shitty parent). I wouldn't want to have to deal with that mess I didn't create. 

Doublehelix's picture

Sure, it's a possibility, and I'm not gonna pretend like I never knew having SD FT was a possibility, but I'm not going to be super excited about it or push to make it happen either  ::shrug::  And yah, you're probably right that if we had her majority time from day one, I would be more used to it, but again that doesn't necessarily mean i'd desire it. It all comes down to whether you have a loving supportive partner that lets you settle into your own comfort level in your own time.

hereiam's picture

Oh, I definitley would not have been excited about it, nor would I have pushed for it or helped it along, in any way.

When you date someone who already has full or majority custody, you can make an informed decision if you want to take that on. Quite different than being used to EOWE, then, BAM, full custody.

Much easier to go from majority custody to less, for a step parent, then the other way around.