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Just a two week update

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Been a crazy busy last couple of weeks, but the good news is the papers for my bf’s divorce are FINALLY filed with the court. Two weeks ago we found out my bf had to come sign an affidavit and he had to have a witness sign an affidavit who knew both him and BM prior to them separating, but none of this was told ahead. So bf went to the attorney’s office,  signed the affidavits, got them notarized, plus bf had provide his attorney with more info (number of years of college completed if any, birth place, race, social security, etc.) Luckily, since bf did not know her social, I thought to look on the arrest record we have a copy of from when they separated and it lists her social on there so we did not have to wait on BM’s slow attorney to provide the information. Then bf’s attorney had to send everything to BM’s attorney for him to sign off and him to mail to the court. We got confirmation it was filed with the court on 2/28/20. So now all we are doing is waiting for the judge to sign off on it and we receive the final decree. Made me almost wish we went to trial because this would have been much closer to being over with, but at least now there is nothing BM or her attorney can do to delay it any longer.

Now that everything is filed at the court, this Sunday when bf drops off his daughter at BM’s, I may be going with him. AKA would be the first time ever being face to face with BM. However, if we aren’t out and about doing stuff, then I am not going to go. Bf and I are in agreement that I will no longer be getting coffee or anything if we are already out and about, that I will go with him to the exchange. Part of me is dreading it because I am sure some sort of drama will stir up from it, but then the other part of me is kind of curious since a friend of mine saw BM out in a store about two months ago now and described her as an ogre. Anyway, if anything crazy happens or BM says anything, etc. I will post a blog next Monday and let you all know.

Since trying to give my bf a Valentine ’s Day present, BM has actually really not tried to start any drama or issues. Closest thing would be right before the last exchange we sent BM a message in the co-parenting app that could be seen as “good communication,” but in reality was a fuck you, BM you need to start doing x,y, and z to help their daughter’s development.  To sum it up basically said:

 “Just letting you know I purchased an all natural cough syrup safe for *daughter’s* age, please see the photo attached of the medication. Since using the cough syrup and the cool mist humidifier, *daughter* is feeling and sounding much better. I am not sure whether or not you have been potty training at home, but *daughter* has been wearing panties all week at home and school and she has had zero accidents. Every day we have been reviewing/working on her numbers and colors, she is getting better at her numbers, but her colors are still rough. Drop off 5 pm Sunday.”

This was all due to BM giving their daughter medication that says to not give under 4 years old (she’s 3), BM always sending her in a pull up/until the last few weeks, their daughter constantly had accidents, would never tell when she needed to use the potty, etc. but since the schedule is now every other week and she is back in day care, she has been doing great. Then as for the numbers and colors, she knew 1 color and had no idea anything about counting. Since bf only had her 6 days a month since July, it was really hard to do anything about that either. So again, it was kind of like a “in this short amount of time I have accomplished x and please don’t let her back track by not doing anything to help her be independent or learn”

BM responds something like a “I wasn’t sure what you were doing at home so I always send her in a pull up, but she wears underwear at home. We have been using workbooks for her learning. Thanks.”

Reason I am sharing what happened two weeks ago is because this past Sunday started bf’s week again. Daughter is home for 20 mins and has an accident in her panties we put her in. So finally I asked the daughter if she wears pull ups or panties at mom’s and she says pull ups, no panties at moms. Which just confirms what bf and I have thought all along, that BM who works between 18 – 25 hours a week, does not try and potty train her. Then after reviewing her numbers and colors, there is zero improvement there, actually was worse. Then guess what, we reviewed numbers and colors last night like we do every day we have her, she counted 1 – 10 almost perfectly  and has improved on her colors too (we are also motivating with colored candy for that one).

I just don’t get it and I am not investing any time thinking about it or trying to figure it out. Just really is annoying that BM has all this time on her hands, but is clearly not interested in helping her child learn at all. Then what also is equally as frustrating is bf caught her climbing on the top bunk (used to be BM’s older child’s bed) and bf asked her why she was up there. His daughter then says “*older child* has cooler toys than me and she never shares so I wanted cool toys too.” Just reconfirming that BM gives bf’s daughter less of everything at her home. It made me so sad to hear that she said that. Other than a few stuffed animals, there wasn’t even anything up there, but that bf’s daughter recognizes how uneven it is, at 3, is a problem. Again, can’t control anything at BM’s house, but they are both her children and it’s not like we send bf’s daughter with any toys or anything cool to BM’s house to upset the other one, we keep everything at our home.

Sorry for the length and rambling, but that is my update.


Siemprematahari's picture

Congratulations on the papers FINALLY being filed with the court~this is progress and he'll be divorced in no time. I know the fustration involved when trying to coparent with someone who doesn't invest the time or interest in their childs education and well  being period. Just continue doing the wonderful job you both are doing and hopefully things in that regard will turn around ASAP.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Ugh well we know we will never coparent with her she's too high conflict. She just loves to go on about how my bf doesn't communicate etc. but she doesn't communicate and when he does she gets defensive or she lies. It's like she can't help but do anything but lie.

we really are trying to do the best with her especially when the other parent isn't concerned about doing so!


tog redux's picture

Glad the papers are filed and on their way.

I hope you guys will reconsider moving away from BM, you seem to be this girl's only hope at a normal life.  If you think she's bad now, imagine how she will be when you haven't seen her for 5 months.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Well BM is supposedly moving in June states away, but at the very least by beginning of school year because his daughter is supposedly registered in that state already. So either way starting September 1 we will be doing the out of state schedule and we will see exactly how that is with BM being primary. At least we have the whole summer coming up with her to ourselves 

**EDIT: I just re-read your comment and realized you said about us reconsidering moving away from BM. That is not going to change 1. BM has permission to move away herself, which she is doing in 3 months time, 5 months maximum. I am not willing or want to move where BM is going, now or for the rest of our lives and neither is bf. 2. We are moving for a job opportunity for bf that will allow him to not only make more money now, but also has room for a lot of growth. 3. After everything we have been through with BM, we do not want to see her/deal with her on a regular basis, nor risk seeing the older child, etc. after all of that too. 

Unfortunately at this time, it is better for everyone, except bf's daughter for it to be out of state custody. However, we hope in the future, we will be able to flip custody to us being primary, but we are not also counting on it either