You are here

Just like that BM is trying to start drama

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Being a blog hog today. So BM agreed about not splitting a cell phone to say that either party can buy her a cell phone and she can bring it with her to the other parent's home and that the parent cannot unreasonably withhold the cell phone from her. Fine, me and bf came to an understanding amongst ourselves that once that happens, the location services of her phone will be turned off so BM cannot track us or anything on my bf's time.

So now this morning, BM texts bf asking if he is still picking up his daughter for the weekend.... Of course he is. Then she asks what time because she will be out of town this weekend 2 hours away and won't be leaving till he picks her up and back before drop off. Bf says the court ordered 3 pm pick up Friday and 3 pm drop off Sunday, that he can keep her longer if he needs her to. BM says I didn't know if you wanted longer. So bf tells her if you would allow longer then I can drop her off before bedtime. BM says okay.

THEN

BM says: "Also for the future I have her tablet which I will download a video talk text app on. For communication purposes with her. You will have to help her navigate it but it would work off your internet. 

THEN

BM: "I would prefer she didn't travel anywhere with it unless it's a roadtrip. When she comes back here make sure it's in her bag and you can also use the app off your phone to call or video chat. I do think we should figure out a common time so to avoid interruptions in schedule. Just giving you a heads up.

AKA BM is trying to now substitute the language of "a cell phone" and apply it to a "tablet" since bf won't split a cell phone bill/cost with her she is trying to use the tablet his daughter already has at BM's to apply instead.

Bf: "I appreciate the offer. However, I would prefer for *daughter's name*'s belongings from your home to remain in your home. I have all that needs at my place for her. She can use my phone to video chat until she is older and has her own phone. We will discuss a good time for communication once the new schedule is established that way it is a set time."

BM: "I understand and that would be the only item. Since it falls under me paying for it that is what I decided on. It elimates using your phone as little as possible. Also her games and learning apps are on there. School for her starts once she is four so it was really encouraging her to learn."

Okay, 1. A tablet is not a cell phone, 2. BM does not get to decide what bf does on his time or anything in his home, 3. Clearly you are not teaching her anything when she does not know how to count or her colors, etc. 

So bf is not going to respond to her last message, but in person will tell her how he has learning flash cards at home to encourage her learning, basically the items listed above, and no he is not taking the tablet to his home. Just because now that bf won't split the cell phone cost with you does not mean you can substitute it with something else. BM clearly is okay with her spending lots of time on a tablet or electronic device, but the child is three and we do not feel that way. NO NO NO. Stop trying to stir the pot and manipulate wording to get control BM, not happening.

Comments

hereiam's picture

When are they signing the final papers?

I'm not sure I would get into it with her about the tablet right now, but it would stay in kid's bag and not be used.

A tablet for a 3 year old, I just can't.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I understand that, but we don't want ANY of bm's stuff at bf's house, especially something she can try and track her on. 

It is just so ridiculous. I don't understand why this is such a big issue for BM for a 3 year old who she will have every other week then she will be primary parent. PLUS up until now she never calls, asks her to facetime, nothing. When she barely saw her, she made zero effort on trying to communicate even on the birthday she missed. 

StepUltimate's picture

Hey BM, spend whatEV $$ on tablet, apps, accessories, chargers, etc. 

It'll alllll fit into our new Anti-HCBM Faraday Signal Blocking pouch! And yet, will still work perfectly when we drop your little hi-tech 3 year old designated spy back off to you. While in the pouch at our house, this pouch will c*ck-block your GUHCBM spy efforts, including but not limited to GPS, video, audio, apps, etc., via the tablet. 

Enjoy!

Siemprematahari's picture

I'm glad your BF is not entertaining her nonsense and sticking to his guns. She doesn't get to dictate what goes on in your home and I agree the whole tablet thing for a 3 year old is a bit much. SD can speak to her mom once a time has been established and call it a day. You and BF have learning tools that are age appropriate and it's the way he has chosen for her to learn. If BM wants to "teach" her with the tablet, she can do it on her time. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I don't know why BM is so against the child using my bf's phone to facetime or call, really makes zero sense to me.

Exactly! A learning app on a tablet vs. learning flash cards for her age, really what is the best way to learn? At the same time it doesn't matter, it is bf's time and BM can't dictacte what he does on his time with her. I said the same thing if that's what BM wants to do then that's fine, but that's on her.

Trying to pull a sneaky she is, but tablet and cell phone are not the same thing.

lieutenant_dad's picture

She's against it because she can't dictate what SD does with it. If she has her tablet, BM can send her messages, ask her to take pictures and send them to her, have her video the room, etc. She can't have SD do that from Dad's phone because Dad will know.

Your BM is trying to play from the GUBM Handbook, but she's failing miserably. Your BF just needs to stick to his guns. It works with her, even if it takes longer than you'd like.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

read! Hahaha. I mean it's just so dumb. Neither bf or I have a single care in the world about her personal life beyond the affect it has on bf's daughter. 

I can see that, she didn't even wait for everything to be signed and finalized before starting up drama to try and benefit herself. We have been able to keep BM at arms distance and not be nosey into our personal lives and it will stay that way. We are 100% going to stick to this, luckily bf never cowers or waivers to BM's demands.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Your BM is dumb and not thinking things through. Or, she is smarter than I give her credit for and is playing the long game of tablet spying for when SD is older.

Either way, tablets can break, and your BF doesn't want to be responsible to replace it if SD breaks it in his house, so no BM. No tablet. Wink

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

don't think she is a very smart person, but you know sometimes when you doubt things, is when you get blindsided

Exactly! We don't want any piece of her property in our home in general, especially something that can break and who's to say if his daughter breaks it at BM's she isn't going "claim" it broke at bf's place, no thank you

Petronella's picture

The best way for a 3yo to learn is through imaginative play indoors and especially outdoors, positive attention, and being talked to and especially being read to. I HATE seeing little children glued to screens and have never allowed it in my home. BM can do what she wants at her home but if that stupid tablet comes into my house it would be immediately taken away and put into a bag to be returned to BM at the next exchange. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

BM has mentioned this tablet numerous times of oh "she's grumpy because her tablet died" or something like that, which just tells us how much BM let's her on it. We only allow his daughter to watch maybe 1 show right before dinner every couple of days or allow her to watch a movie in the car on a road trip, etc, beyond that, we don't let her have a tablet. She never asks bf for his phone or anything. At most if we are on a road trip she might ask to watch a movie because she knows we let her, but even then she doesn't watch the entire ride and usually is because we don't want her falling asleep right then.

We have talked about getting one of the versions of the leap frog educational tools in the next year or so, but even that we are half half on. It is ridiculous these parents that think a tablet is the best method to "teach" their children. No teaching them is being hands on and teaching them things such as how to count, etc. 

ndc's picture

A tablet is just one tool in the educational arsenal.  My SDs both have tablets.  The younger one got hers (a Kindle Fire for Kids) a few weeks before her 3rd birthday (birthday gift from my mom).  They're not on them all the time.  We read to them, do flashcards, do workbooks (younger one loves these), play with counting bears, play Go Fish with alphabet cards, play dice games where they need to count, etc., and they also play inside and outside, sometimes with DH and/or me and sometimes independently.  I don't think it's a problem for them to spend an hour on the tablet.  There are some great educational games, videos and books loaded on them.  And yes, sometimes they watch worthless stuff, like You Tube videos of other kids making slime.  I don't get that, but sometimes it's nice to have them watching others do it than making a slime mess in my house.  I guess my point is that tablets aren't evil - it's letting kids have unfettered access to them and using technology for babysitting that is problematic. 

However, we would never send their tablets to BM's house, because she has a different view on them than we do, and her house, her rules.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

on they are not evil it is the amount of use and for what they are used that can be negative. However, BM using her explanation of well her learning apps are on there as if that is the only way a child can learn and should learn is utter BS. I like the leap frogs personally, especially when we have a tablet at home that can be used for the other things you're referring to.

Exactly! Trying to strong arm the other parent to take a tablet because that is what you want, is not going to fly and it's not going to happen.

2nd wives club's picture

Try not to get all worked up about this nonsense. When SD visits, confiscate the tablet and she'll forget about it in no time. Delete the texts from BM, don't engage. He doesn't need to justify his parenting decisions to BM.

He's fueling the fire if he JADEs (justify/argue/defend/explain). Ignore the whore as the saying goes...lol

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

be responsible for it in general, especially not something like that where can "claim" it broke at our place and ask for bf to replace it.

I agree on the ignoring part, he isn't going to respond via message to her, but when she brings it up in person at pick up today, he is going to tell her no.

GrabitAndGo's picture

If BM tries to hand the table to you or your BF at pick up, refuse to take it.  Go through the kid's bag before you leave with her.  Give the tablet back to BM if it's in there.

BM is being an idiot.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

until bf receives the final decree. I am not risking any reason for it not to go through, but when I do go to pick up, yes I agree on that!

It is just so dumb and like really BM this is what you're concerned about right now? 

We will not be taking the tablet, no way, no how.

thinkthrice's picture

when the papers are signed, she will get that.much.worse!!

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

she can try, but also unless it is an emergency, BM is not to contact bf except through App Close and he doesn't have to respond to her either.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Honestly I think it's dumb a cell phone was mentioned AT ALL.  It really sould have just been that either party doesn't deny reasonable communication. Then parents decide what to do.  

Saying "doesn't withhold unreasonably" (forgot the wording already) Just opens the door for future conflicts with BM.  Facts are facts.  BF's home means his decisions. BM's home means hers.  NO reason to stipulate not being able to take away the imaginary potential phone.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I 100% agree and my bf agrees too. However, BM was not going to agree if it was totally left out. So the middle ground was fine each parent can provide one, etc. however we WILL NOT be providing one until at least age 10, we will not pay for or contribute if BM wants her to have one early, and if she gets one before we think is reasonable, it will barely be used, mostly in our posession, other than to communicate with BM. Bf is not worried about the withold unreasonably because he said 1. he doubts she will take him to court over a phone if she doesn't have it 24/7, 2. if she does, he doubts the court will tell him he has to give it to her 24/7 because then he would/could argue that 24/7 for a 3 year old is not reasonable.

I agree, BM is trying to control what she has no control over and because she wants the child to have a phone, but doesn't want to buy one and pay for one on her own she wants the tablet to be used as her phone, but it specifically states cell phone, not tablet, so no BM, f*** off

thinkthrice's picture

shut if off and throw it into a closet with her coat and other back to the BM items.   Then use flash cards;  of course SD will be punished by the BM for not using the tablet and using the flash cards instead

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

neither of us want to be responsible for her tablet and as my bf has been saying for almost 2 years, he does not want any of BM's stuff, but she keeps trying to send things all the time.

It is just outright ridiculous. It will be sad not seeing his daughter all the time, but honestly we both can't wait to not have this constant drama from BM 

playdead's picture

CHeeze and rice, some parents need to seriously get a frickin life.  You can't let your child enjoy TWO days without interruption with their other PARENT. They have to call and text and know everything the entire time, its just ridiculous.  Go have fun! Let loose, relax and for f*cks sake CUT THE CORD once in awhile. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

last year, BM went like 20 days without seeing her daughter not beause bf wouldn't let her, but because BM was "working" and did not have any time. Do you think she called or tried to call her during her absence? Nope, not once. Plus the rare times she has said she was going to call or such, about 70% of the time she did not follow through and did not call. I know seriously! My bf doesn't contact BM unless it is important or necessary, idk why BM can't do the same and have her own life

Harry's picture

Control yout home.  This is a bad start. Her doing this. You are in for a life time of drama.

you can get your like Fire tablet there like under $100 to keep at your home and control it.  So there no back and forth between homes of tablet.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Which my bf's daughter uses more than anyone else lol BM is literally just trying to be in control and it's not happening 

strugglingSM's picture

Your BF should stick to his guns and reiterate to BM that he does not want to be responsible for BM's items at his home. Since SD is too young to be responsible for things, they need to stay in BM's home while she is with your BF. 

BM may not like it, but she can't force your BF to take a tablet. If she insists on taking it, then your BF should insist on something in writing that says that he is able to set his own screentime / access rules with SD when the tablet is in your home (for really young children, most parents set limits on screentime and use the tablet as a treat, not an all the time thing) and that he is not responsible for any damage to the tablet while it is at his home. All that said, I agree with the post above that he should look in SD's bag at pick-up and if the tablet is in the bag, then he should take it out and hand it to BM, as he's told her he doesn't want to be responsible for BM's things. 

Mandy45's picture

The kid 3 she doesnt need a cell phone or tablet till she in high school. Yeah I think bio mum wants to spy on you all. I know kids are more tech savvy these days at a young age. But you and dh are doing the right thing by not wanting sd to use all these things. 

If bio mum needs to talk to her during the visit just dial BM number and hand sd the phone and tell sd to give it back when she finished. 

Simple what all the facetime and everything about anyway?? Sd only there for one night. 

When our sd went to bm for the weekend no one rang each other till it was time to pick her up. 

Dont understand some of these court orders on here they just dumb and break up the personal time with the other parent.