You are here

"It was an honest mistake"

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Waiting around this week has been hard. The settlement agreement should of been received last Friday, bf's lawyer wanted to wait a week and then go from there. Today it has been a week, as far as we know, no response has been given to the agreement and BM has not brought up the agreement to my bf. Plan is to wait and see if his lawyer contacts him with any news, if not on Monday he will follow up with his lawyer and will probably be getting a court date. Honestly, at this point, even though more expensive and time consuming, I rather just have this court date made already because BM has not been wavering about agreeing to what my bf wants (primary custody for the school year, for those who have not read my previous blogs).

I do however, find it curious since the agreement was mailed to BM, that ALL of a sudden, now she has time for the girls, when in the past usually averages at 39% of the time, when it should be 50/50 is the temporary custody order. BM had them 4 days straight last week, Friday night - Tuesday morning (which worked for us because I had to go car shopping, was way easier without 2 children under 5), then she wanted them Wednesday afternoon - Thursday morning (again worked for us because it would be the last night we get alone before I go out of town for 4 days) and now she wants them Friday night - Sunday morning. I gently pointed out to my bf to be careful because we are already at 6 days of the month and only 8 days into May when usually she only gets them 12 days out of the month. So because of this and drop off would be at 8:15 pm Friday, he is dropping them off Saturday morning instead. I almost feel like she knows a court date is about to come up and she wants to look as though she can actually have the children at least 50% so she gets primary custody. So we will see what happens, but as the temporary order is 50/50 he should try to make sure she does not get the girls more than that. It is only her fault she did not have them her 50%, he has maybe in the 11 months I have known him, denied her 5 times? Either because we had plans with the girls already and her asking was last minute or because the time she was proposing to take them wasn't in the best interest for the kids. Again, just my opinion, we have been tracking dates/times she does get them.

On to why my blog title was titled "it was an honest mistake." So, yesterday morning, bf picks the kids up from BM and takes them to daycare. After daycare, we pick them up and we went to dinner. The whole time we were at dinner, the (4) year old was super itchy. I guess while they were at BM's they were outside and she never put bug spray on either child and the 4 y.o has 15-20 mosquito bites. I get it, kids are going to get bit, but seriously that many shouldn't be happening. Anyway, so we get home and are getting the kids ready for bed, the 4 y.o says she can't get her dress off, so I go to help her and I barely got the dress of myself and when I did, she had marks all over the upper half of her body from the dress being too tight. I look at the tag and it is a 2T dress, the child wears 4T - 5T depending on what it is. Also, she has pants on under the dress that falling off her butt and they are 5T. So bf texts BM because this is about the 5th time the 4 year old is wearing 2T clothing and says something along the lines of just so you know, *child* is 4.5 years old and wears 4T, not 2T. 2T clothing is for children that are 2 and 4T is for children who are 4 years old. Her response? It was an honest mistake, I did not know it was 2T. I know it was *2 year old child*s dress, but *4 year old child* wanted to wear it so I put it on her and put pants on her since it was short...........I know, I know, this isn't the end of the world to those of you who have told me before it is not enough to deem her unfit and it is just clothes, but this blatant stupidity, does not happen with my BF. Also makes us worried, this is just the things we notice, who knows what kind of stupidity happens over there?

Every time we get them back, have bruises and cuts/scrapes, nothing that suggests abuse, just suggests she doesn't pay attention to them. Yes, kids get scrapes, etc. it is more of the fact the scrapes aren't cleaned out on top of it all. A few weeks ago, the 4 y.o had a scraped up knee and it looked TERRIBLE, could tell it was never cleaned out. 

Anyway, sorry that was so long, I am just sick of the waiting game and constant gray area and just want everything to be over with and solved. Let's hope that Monday there is a game plan from the lawyer on what is next. 


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

just suspect BM isn't keeping a watchful eye on the children when they are in her care

STaround's picture

YOu are not suggesting that someone call CPS re mosquito bites, etc. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

It sounded like to me the poster skimmed my blog. As BM has called CPS about 6 times, with nothing ever found, makes my bf look good and we would only call CPS if there was really something to be concerned about. I do wish months ago though that my bf called CPS when the children ran out of her house and down the street from her, but that has come and gone so we can't do that now.

2nd wives club's picture

It was tongue in cheek. 

At least the kids are getting outside time with BM. When I was a kid I stayed covered in mosquito bites. They love me. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and yeah I am happy that happens too! Please love your kids enough to put on bug spray or at the very least anti-itch on the bug bites after the fact. Instead, we spend extra time always trying taking care of dumb things BM does or rather doesn't do. 

MommyT's picture

But it’s not your job to take care of those things while the kids are under their mother’s care. Yes, it is stupid but you should t be stressing over it like you are. You have a long road ahead of you and mosquito bites are really quite common this time of year. I live in freaking Southern California and my kids still get bit. There is no water here for mosquitoes to live in haha. It just happens. And sometime my little ones ask to wear clothes that are too small on them but they just love. I cave in because I know it doesn’t physically hurt them and they just want to express themselves. You are complaining about things that happen in normal families. BM is actually wanting to spend time with her girls?! Wow! That’s a good thing. It might bother you because they aren’t with you but she is their mom. If CO says 50% then you need to train your mind to understand that you will not have them 50% of the time.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

is what I find interesting. It usually happens when she has friends/family in town because she wants to look good. Then when it is just her, she doesn't seem a bit interested and my bf has to ask her when she is going to see them. It has nothing to do with because they are with their mom. Really more has to do with, she doesn't do anything that doesn't benefit her in some way or make her look good. You never hear about her wanting to do what is best for the girls or anything like that. It is just a temporary order, who knows what the actual CO will say. I know mosquito bites happen, etc. I said that, it is frustrating that it is always something when they come back from BM's, never come back in the same condition/positive attitude they were dropped off in.

STaround's picture

We had bedbugs, they devoured me but did not touch DH.  Yes, we had professionals deal with, but why did they want to feast on me??? We sleep in the same bed. 

MommyT's picture

Ok you sound like me when I first met DH and you gotta stop or you will drive yourself crazy. Every little thing that BM does shouldn’t be analyzed and judged. It may have been an honest mistake or she might have done it on purpose. In the end, it doesn’t physically hurt the child, it just bothers you that BM is stupid. Well, you can’t fix that. You also can’t control the CO or the lawyers. Your bf’s visitation schedule seems all over the place, that he can control and change. That is what should be focused on. Scrapes and bruises happen to active little kiddos and maybe BM was actually playing outside with them. I am not trying to criticize but I am trying to show you that you are over analyzing and you are worrying about things that you can’t control and things that  really not a big deal. I did this too at first. Now I laugh at bm’s stupidity. If we have to pick up ss12 from bm’s house, ss has rags on too. She doesn’t want to give up nice clothes. This is stupid but we can’t fix it. I tried, DH tried, ss has tried but she still does it, so now we laugh it off and go on with our day. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I guess why it bothers me so much is partly because we are in this limbo state and don't know until a CO is in place, what way the custody is going to go. So with all her stupidity and inconsistency in schedule, we will be trying to find things that make a better case for my bf because I firmly believe as others do that he is the more fit parent out of the two. This limbo game we have been in and he has been in for the past 14 months is frustrating and needs to be over already. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, OP - you have no control over any of this, and honestly, it's not your problem or even your business.  I too was way overinvolved in everything BM did and analyzing and thinking and talking about it all the time.  Of course she's trying to look good for court and show that she wants and can handle all of her custody time, wouldn't you?

I would fall out of my chair shocked if BM agreed to give your SO full custody or if the court gives it to him.  Courts are very pro-Mom and the idea of taking 2 and 4-year-olds from their mother without a very good reason is going to be a hard sell. He's choosing to move away (I think), why should BM have to give up her time?  Too small clothes and bug bites aren't going to do it - nor is her giving your SO more time. 

I find court enormously stressful and I totally get what you are doing because I did the same thing. But do the best you can to just let it go and recognize your total lack of control and the very, very good chance that BM will get primary custody.  If it doesn't work out that way, great, but it's a long shot.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and needed time to discuss, when something happens with BM, whether it be pick up/drop off/etc. there is 5 minutes to talk about it, get it all out, then it is over and done. This has made things a lot less stressful and gives us more focus on the things that matter such as our relationship and the kids. 

Well we are hoping the "status quo" which is something considered in custody cases, helps lean in his favor. Plus the fact she has been arrested for drugs (unfortunately only weed, they didn't test the crushed white substance, as she is a civilian and it was on base), the fact her schedule is sporatic and is usually not off work till 7 - 8 pm at night. I know these aren't evidence unforunately of her being unfit, just to me is irresponsible. 

You're right, someone is moving, my bf can't for 2 years and supposedly BM is after summer, again who knows that is just going to happen at some point. Just want it all over already, but the court does not rush just simply because I want it to be so Sad haha

tog redux's picture

That's a good rule, we did finally do something like that, too.  It felt like all we ever talked about was BM and court.


MommyT's picture

Just prepare yourself for a long battle because courts are pro mom and they also want the kids with the bio parents equal amount of time. I think you would be better off going to a family mediator and working out a more stable schedule since the four year old is about to enter school.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

until she is 6 because her birthday is after the cut off in VA. So luckily that isn't on the table yet to figure out. VA is also not a pro mom state, it isn't biased like other states are. They talked about a mediator, but the BM won't agree to anything except her having them during the school year and him having them holidays/summer. 

tog redux's picture

FYI - all states say they aren't Pro-Mom.  But they mostly are. It's an unconsious bias in many cases. For a judge, the idea of taking a small child from her mother feels wrong. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I know you don't make the rules haha, but I just dont't agree with such thoughts. I think it should not matter which gender the parent is, the more fit, reliable, responsible, looking out for the children's best interest should be the determining factor on who is the primary parent. I feel that way about all life things though, I don't care gender, race, ethnicity, age, I think it shouldn't be determined by these factors, especially when there is someone better and more fit for the job, whatever it may be. I am not saying my bf is the perfect parent, there are obviously some flaws, but out of the two of them, he is definitely the better option. 

MommyT's picture

We all think that it is dumb but it is also truth. You seriously sound just like me! I think DH is the far better parent but the judge doesn’t care what I think. Over the years, we spent $10,000 seeing judge after judge and mediator after mediator. DH finally got 50% custody because ss told the psychologist that he wanted to spend the same amount of time with both parents. BM is a confirmed alcoholic but hasn’t done anything to harm ss so no one would touch the custody order. Just prepare yourself for a battle. The best thing for you to try to do is work with BM and compromise. You don’t want to spend the first years of your marriage in and out of court. I really regret doing all that. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

How old was your SS when he told the psychologist this? But if DH was a confirmed alcoholic he would of definitely lost time, etc. with SS. Until being with my bf I had no idea how crazy the court system is especially in regards to custody. I come from an intact family, only person divorced is my one uncle and then a great uncle who I rarely ever saw. So totally new to me and I rather have less drama and work it out then constant drama, but only time will tell how it will play out. Will be working on being less stressed about it all. I have always been a worrier and a helper, so letting go of stress and worry takes practice :x 

MommyT's picture

Ss was telling his mom this since he could talk. He told the psychologist at the beginning of 5th grade so he was 9. The judge was going to leave custody the same but BM finally agreed to do what ss asked because she wanted the conflict to stop. The courts do not want to change an existing order unless they feel a child is in danger. Even though BM has an alcohol problem, she has never put ss in danger and she is “working on it,” so the psychologist didn’t want to take anything away. The courts are bad which is why I suggest working with BM as much as you can. Don’t leave it up to the courts. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

well current custody is technically 50/50, but as I said earlier she at max in the last 6 months has had them 43% and as low as 29%, but usually averages around 39%. So the status quo right now is him as the primary parent. They talked I guess 2 months ago now and she flat out said the only thing she will agree to is her being primary parent. He is willing to compromise and work with her, she never is. It is always her way or no way. So that is where it is at a stand still because he won't agree to her having primary custody when he knows he is the better parent. 

tog redux's picture

I agree. My DH is most definitely the better parent, but we spent oodles of money in court, only to end up with SS lying about DH in court and finally being completely alienated.

The courts will say they want the better parent, but the mother starts off with a 50 point head start in getting to 100.

MommyT's picture

Yup. I was just wondering if the temporary orders point to anyone being the primary parent for thing such as school. We have 50/50 also but BM has primary custody so ss stays in her school district. 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Maybe you need to take a step back from trying to be Supermom to these kids. You are dad’s gf, why are you undressing them? If BM is trigger happy with CPS, just imagine the field day she would have with “the gf is inspecting my childrens’ bodies”.

And, honestly, I find your sanctimonious judginess to be borderline offensive. When we first moved to Florida, I was so covered in mosquito bites so quickly that my mom thought it was chicken pox. Interestingly, The same thing happened to my BSthen1 when we went to a visit at grandmas. Mosquitos don’t touch my mom or my DD but flock to me and BS. Also, some parents are worried about bug spray chemicals seeping in to their child’s skin. They would not equate poisoning their child with “loving them enough”. 

As for the clothes, it’s really not uncommon for siblings to demand to share or, in my case, for DD to love a particular piece of clothing so much she jams herself into it long after the tag says she should fit. In the spirit of beit shalom, I’ve graduated many adorable dresses to tunic status and slapped a pair of pants on underneath. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

that I was trying to be supermom? The 4 year old was told to get undressed to be put in pjs, at first she was being resistant to wanting to get undressed, then when she couldn't get the dress off she started crying. I was standing right there so I helped her get it off. My bf was getting impatient with her not listening so I opted in to step in and help and told him that no wonder she couldn't get it off. Also, the mosquito bites were visible in what she was wearing, her arms, legs, and back. I don't think there is anything wrong with me helping and me looking at the mosquito bites, she is 4 and we have been together for 9 months now. 

What I meant by that is, you see the child is being bit up and didn't do anything for the mosquito bites after the fact, just let the child deal with it who was non stop itching. I am judging her for the lack of attention she constantly demonstrates, especially when she wants primary physical custody. I also said that I know it happens etc. 

MommyT's picture

Sweetie, there is nothing you can do for mosquito bites. You need to stop and back away from the situation. If bf is getting stressed then he needs to deal with that. You two are not married yet and you have zero obligation to take on his fatherly duties even if you want to help. You need to take one step back.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Other than I helped his daughter take off a dress she couldn't take off herself. I only help when I want to help with the children. Sometimes I don't help at all regarding the children, other times, particularly during the week, I will help him with getting them ready for bed. In part for my selfish gain, if I help they get to bed quicker and it is more alone time I get with my boyfriend. If I don't help, I don't help. Other than being concerned and occasionally helping, I do not believe I am crossing any lines or trying to be someone that I am not. 

twoviewpoints's picture

Your BF picked the kids up from BM and took them to daycare. He could obviously see how the kid was dressed and whether or not the clothing was or wasn't of proper fitting appearance. He could have seen the multiple bites. He could have seen a child itching. 

You and he both picked kids up from daycare. No concerns. Off to dinner out you all go. 

One could suggest you and BF were being , as you stated about BM, just as "stupid". 

See how that works. I'm not trying to be mean and/or pick on you but you need to realize all these little 'offenses' are rely not worth your stress level you're giving it all. Besides *shrugs* just maybe the bites came at outside time at preschool.

IMO you really need to take a step back (or two or three) and read and think about what some of these members are trying to tell you. 

I can't predict how a judge will rule, your BF might get what he wants, he might not, but what I do foresee in your future is a major reality check. I 'get it' every thing is all love and sunshine right now, the kids are young, adorable and all sweetness... you're over the moon in your new found little 'family'. 

But you really need to keep in mind what others are telling you. Ladies who have been there, done that. 


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

You couldn't tell the dress was as tight as it was by looking and the pant top was covered by the dress. As for the mosquito bites, he did see the bites when he was dropping them off at daycare, then on his part, yes he forgot about it, until we took the kids out of the truck and were walking in the parking lot. So I wouldn't say we were being "stupid," he was being forgetful, yes. 

Every thing is definitely not all love and sunshine. We have been through a lot of obstacles and gotten through them together. The kids are not all adorable and sweetness, particularly the 4 year old. I am not blind and I am not stupid. I am aware of what can come and happen. To me the biggest test of our relationship and future will be when the custody is solved and how he reacts and parents then, especially if he does not get the custody he wants. I can't know until we get there. I do know though that he does not let the kids disrespect me, I do know he is transparent with me, there are a lot of things I do know about him and his character that won't have some things others on here go through happen. I'm not stupid or naive, I know if certain behaviors happen that they are red flags, a lot I have learned from this site. So I feel as though I am prepared and will have to see what happens.

still learning's picture

Am I understanding that bf and bm have a 50/50 order right now? You say that bf has them more and he is going for primary during the school year?  If she has not responded to the settlement order then it's a H#ll No on her part.  Most parents will not just give up primary custody without good reason.  IMHO this fight will be long, drawn out, and expensive with no changes in the end.  The only thing that may happen is that BM may ask for fees if she has a lawyer, if she feels you've drug her into a petty unnecessary fight.  

About the misquito bites and small clothes, it happens.  Often kids dress themselves and have silly mismatched non fitting clothes.  How great of a parent would bf be without you there to help?  Would he be able to primarily have the kids on his own?  It would be wise for you to take yourself out of the arena on this issue.  This is all on bf and between him and bm.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but she can never live up to her end of 50/50. We started keeping a log with dates and times and in the past 6 months, she has at max taken them 43% of the time and at minimum 29% of the time. Prior to that, it wasn't 50% either, but couldn't tell you exactly how much as we weren't tracking then. We assumed it was going to be a no, his lawyer knew that, but wanted to try that first anyway. So it will 99% be going to court to get a CO in place.

Absolutely, he had been doing it for about 4 months before I came into the picture. I only help when I want and sometimes I find fun things around the area for us all to do (he is not very tech savy, while I find events on FB, etc.) But he has full financial responsibility for them (daycare, food, clothes, medical, etc.), unless we are all eating the same thing he does the cooking for them, in 11 months, I have only watched them for a few hours 3 times, etc., the things I do are either to make it easier on him or as a bonus for them. 

tog redux's picture

And you know how BM will spin that? That's she is supporting her kids' relationship with their father.  Giving the other parent more time is not necessarily seen as a negative thing in court. 

Thumper's picture

Your reported you have been with this guy for 8 months.

Starting at 2months you began documenting BM.

Are you saying also that you moved in to boyfriends place this early? Oh boy...this is the gift that keeps giving I am afraid.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

We have been in a relationship for 9 months, I’ve known him for 11 months and we do not live together. I have my own place. We started keeping a log of days four months into our relationship at his lawyers suggestion

momjeans's picture

DH’s ex-wife did exactly this too. 

When their court case started coming to a close, and it was time for their lawyers to pow wow and come to a decision, ALL OF A SUDDEN, BM became a very involved and willing parent in regards to having her own daughter at least half of the time, when for YEARS prior it was DH at least 70% of the time and her the other 30%.

DH’s attorney said it wasn’t uncommon. That BM’s attorney most likely told her to kick it up a notch to look good for the family court judge.

I LOL’d when I read this post, because been there-done that with BM.

Thumper's picture

Would you agree, that there are in upwards of  hundreds of years experience here on ST?

Listen..50 50 shared custody IS best for the kids.

I get it you have kept book on mom. IF mom was cooking meth in her home that would be different---but she isn't. IF bm was hooked up with a drunk who is driving the kids around drunk OR her brother is/sister is driving the kids around drunk. that would be different ...but she is not. She has the kids dressed. Who cares if it's a a little too small, tight, BIG or baggy. They are not walking outside in diapers in the dead of winter.

IF you really cared, and I do mean really cared about the kids and you dont think she is treating the bites....go and buy  bug spray and itch relief and pass it back to mom to keep. HEY BM the kids are loved by mosquitos--I didn't know if you had any, so I picked up some for me AND for you do you want some? She may tell you to shove it...but at least you can say YOU tried.

I would be very VERY careful about what you think you should OR should not 'keep book' about. You want to inform the courts kids are not dressed in right sizes. Go ahead. Many Judges will give BM more cs to remedy that problem you reported.

. You want to tell the courts mom is not putting bug spray on the kids...go ahead. Her side will say Yes she does and call boyfriend nick-picky and since you came into the picture YOU have caused a lot of problems....and MAYBE things need to change,,,this new dynamic not a good fit for 50 50 therefore BM has 60 and dad 40 OR 70 mom / 30 dad

Based on everything you wrote...this will not help your boyfriend. It will hurt the case.

Your not even his wife and you have not had extended interaction with the children. Extended means years.



notsurehowtodeal's picture

OP, I know you think that your situation is "different" and will end up "differently" than everyone else - but odds are your situation will end up like everyone is telling you it will. You haven't even been with your boyfriend a year - forget the kids and custody and BM - you don't even know everything there is to know about him yet. You are still in the "honeymoon" stage for both your relationship with him and the kids. At this point it is hard to envision things changing, but you need to at least consider the possibility.

Family court often does not run on logic. Most judges don't have the time or patience to look at or consider all of the ways that you think BM has failed. A judge is not going to care that a 4 year old wore clothes sized for a 2 year old - even if it happens on a regular basis. (My sister let my niece wear her favorite pair of shoes for weeks after they started hurting because they were too small, because she couldn't find any more "sparkly red shoes" that my niece loved. My niece survived and gave them up on her own.)

So far the mosquito bites are a one time thing - which your boyfriend could have treated and didn't. (Side note - vinegar will make a bite stop itching immediately.)

If you want to vent about these things - I get it. If you think these kinds of things are going to make a difference in court - you are mistaken. There are women on this board who have been exactly where you are and are trying to give you advice that will actually help your boyfriend and you seem resistant to it.


MommyT's picture

When I was dating DH, his attorney suggested that I not go to any of the hearings because judges don’t like significant others being too involved in custody cases. I have never gone but BM always took her then bf and now hubby. The judge makes him sit outside and always scolds her from bringing him in. Still he never changed custody and she has always been primary and always will be unless ss changes it down the road. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and never would. I’m not an idiot. Unless we were married, I wouldn’t go to court, that would be stupid of me. I never said that I was thinking he should present it in court. Honestly was just venting. 

fourbrats's picture

be a helicopter mom. One, you aren't a mom and two, you are confusing normal things with neglect. I am a bit concerned that you worked with children previously and don't know the difference. And yes I am being harsh because you are being ridiculous. The kid is wearing a too small dress as a tunic? Oh well. Scrapes and bruises? Oh well. That is an indicator of active kids, not a mom not paying attention. Mosquito bites? Normal, natural and it means the kids were outside. Not every parent sprays their kids with bug spray because the chemicals in the spray are worse than a bite in most cases. I only used spray on my kid who is allergic to mosquitos. There was no need otherwise. And yes, mom could throw some cortisone on them but it is really not necessary. It's like cold medicine. We use it to "feel better" but it doesn't stop the normal run of the cold. Using it is a choice. 

I told you before that your complaints and one-upsmanship are going to do more harm than good. It's nice that you are continuing your education but it doesn't have any impact on your boyfriend and his custody case. It's nice that you have X, Y and Z but in the end, it doesn't matter. And keeping track of minor typical parenting things isn't going to help him retain custody. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

in doing children’s art camps during the day. Also, I am venting, I am not logging about this stuff. We are logging about the times she takes the kids and some texts about when the kids ran away, etc. I’m not dumb, I’m not trying to say we should use this as evidence in court.

Thumper's picture

Goodness---gracious. Miss, none of us want to be ugly, rude or give the appearance of being you.

I read back over some of your posts. Why isnt your boyfriend reinlisting a few more years? Leaving the state to move a state maybe two away without a career plan, no health insurance NO income does NOT make good sense. How are you going to make rent? He has housing money in his pay for rent OR his mortgage. That ends when his contract is up.

You dont have a job---How do you support yourself if your in school/ School loans?

Mom looks more stable.  This poor guy is gonna mess up in a very big way.

1. Should stay in the service, re-inlist contract for 4more years_more money and chance to rank UP which also means more money in his pay.

2. HE should get college education during this time of extended duty.

3. Request 50 50 equal physical custody.

Shows stability ^^^^

Current ideas and plans YOU and boyfriend have show a big mess for young daycare age kids.





futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but clearly you DID NOT read. Because I have a full time job. He does have a job in the other state that pays A LOT more than the military. So you’re very misinformed. So your advice and opinion is totally invalid because other than him not re enlisting the rest of your info is off

Livingoutloud's picture

I’d say that after only 9 months of dating you need to take things much slower. Your preoccupations with BM aren’t healthy. If when my DD was young, someone I dated for 9 months was that obessesed with what my ex doesn’t do or do and documenting my exes actions I’d be concerned. I’d also be concerned with someone I date trying to be a parent to my child after only 9 months. Why? Back off please and start slow again.

And I don’t understand why your BF thinks he is getting full custody. He doesn’t sound more stable then BM. Especially since he delegates parenting to a girlfriend.

Many parents of young children don’t even introduce their dates to young kids that early on. And you are already that involved. And they aren’t even divorced yet. And you already want to fight all his battles: his divorce, his custody, his relationship with his military buddies etc etc It doesn’t make your BF look mature or responsible. It makes him look incapable  

SMto2's picture

"In these 11 months, we have been through more than most couples who have been together 5 years..."

I don't know how old you are, but this statement alone makes you sound so immature. Nine months into a relationship may seem like a long time to you now, but those of us who have lived a little longer know that's still the very early stages of a relationship. While you might feel satisfaction thinking your statement is true, I guarantee you that you haven't been through in under one year what most couples in your situation have in 5 times that long. Soon, my DH and I will have been married for 20 years, so we've obviously been together longer than that. My SSs were 2 and 4 when I met him. I have an 18 year-old DS myself with DH. Your responses to the comments here reflect a "know it all" attitude that many young adults have, including my 18 year-old. You came here for advice, but you don't want to listen to it.  It sounds like you care for this man deeply, which is great, but because of that, you're trying to immerse yourself fully into his life and his issues with his young children when you are really still an outsider. While you may think otherwise, I don't say that to hurt you, but I say that as someone who was once in your situation being childless myself dating a man with 2 children the same ages in your situation. I think you need to take a step back and work on getting to know the family (and the man!) first and not trying to be involved in a "mother" role to his chidren. Trust me, you are not their mother, and you never will be. And I don't say that to hurt you, either, but those are the facts that you can never change.

You also might consider whether you want to sign on for a relationship at such a young age with a man with young children. I know right now 9 months feels like you've been together forever, but trust me, it's a drop in the bucket to the time it will take to get these 2 toddlers raised. I hope you will take my comments in the spirit they are intended, which is not malicious in any way, but instead, as someone who's been there. Best of luck to you.