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It may be mean, but I am the type of person that

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

does not feel sympathy for people who continually complain about a problem, but never do anything to address the problem. A good example is when someone very overweight, complains how fat they are, but do not eat better or exercise or do anything to even attempt to make the problem go away, instead just complain about the topic.

I have mentioned on her numerous times about my friend the SM, her DH, and her SD. I have known them for about 2 years now almost and since I met them SM always complains about her DH's ex-wife (BM). Which is totally fine, except it is constantly the same issues that neither SM nor DH take any steps to do anything about. I have heard probably over 50 times about how they are going to take BM to court. Each time BM withholds visitation I hear it and since I have known them they have not gotten to see SD no joke about 12 times they were supposed to. I hear about how her DH has not been able to talk to SD for 3 weeks even though he has called almost every day. I have heard how BM says awful things about SM, but SM also says/does things that instigate issues with BM. The list goes on and on and about 2-3 times a month I hear about they are finally taking BM to court for all the times she is in contempt of court, not following the court order, isn’t creating a safe and stable environment for SD, etc. but they have never actually taken BM to court. I have given my advice, said how a judge will not care if BM did not follow the court order 1,000 times if in all those times they have not taken BM to court for contempt until now, none of those times will count or do anything until you take her the first time, then time and time after that.

At the end of the day it mostly comes down to SM has a DH problem because they will talk talk talk about it when BM is in contempt then the second BM is a hint of “nice” the DH decides not to follow through. I stopped giving advice after a while because it was just a waste of time, but finally when they paid the attorney’s retainer I thought wow finally they are going to go. Guess what? Nope not happening. Now SM is venting to me that BM texted her SM’s DH saying that she is splitting up with her husband when they just got married in March 2020 and how BM apparently never changed her name to her new husband’s it is still ex-husband’s aka SM’s husband. However, SM’s driver’s license, credit card, etc. has not been changed from her ex-husband’s when she has been married 2 years and they do not even have a child together, she has not changed it because she wants to keep her North Carolina ls instead of getting a Virginia one…. Just venting here so I don’t respond back “until you actually follow through with doing something about the BM situation, then I really don’t want to hear it.” Because that is really really what I want to say, but it is mean, although extremely honest. Plus can’t complain about someone not changing their last name when you still use your ex husband’s on 75% of your stuff.

Comments

caninelover's picture

I'm the same way.  I can't take anyone complaining about the same thing over and over again.  Frustrating.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

like I wanna be like either man up and take BM for court or just stop complaining about it. If you really wanted to see SD that much and were concerned for her safety then you should GO TO COURT or shush hahaha

caninelover's picture

A friend of a friend I would see at some parties (pre COVID).  She would constantly complain of back pain, and how there was a surgery that would fix it, but the evil insurance company wouldn't cover it.  I mean she would go on and on about it - it costs $20K for the surgery, she is agony, why won't they cover it (meanwhile she is standing around drinking wine, not looking at all in agony).  And she is quite well off and could actually easily afford the cost out of pocket if she really wanted to fix her back.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

SM and her DH make a bit more than we do and especially since we have been saving up for this big move, BUT if we ever thought SD was actually in danger and we were not seeing her even 1/4 of the time that is in our CO, you bet we would of dragged BM back into court ASAP.

ESMOD's picture

We see the same on this site.. there are people complaining about the same issues.. when it is either a 1.  it is what it is.. learn to live with it or 2.  if it bothers you so much do something about it... but they never will.

I guess that sometimes it's the same as an overweight person lamenting their situation.  It may seem like a  simple solution from the outside.. but food/nutrition/activity can all be fairly complicated issues and someone who has never really had to deal with an eating disorder..etc.. may not be able to understand that.  Most fat people know they are fat.. if they are adult.. they even likely understand to an extent how they got there.. and many of them have tons of willpower and have lost the same 50 pounds over and over.. but food is different from drugs or alcohol...you can't quit eating ... so people will do some ultra restrictive plan that works short term.. but long term is not realistic.. pile on all the emotional and mental health and outside pressures.. and it is no longer a "then do something about it" issue.

In a way, the SM issue can be the same.  Yes, they have a DH problem.. and while it might be simple to "to to court".. that can be costly and emotionally draining and take time and energy. and money that the couple doesn't have.  That doesn't mean that the ongoing issues with the EX aren't frustrating.. just that "doing something about it".. may not be a realistic option for them.  So... the SM wants to vent.. and while they may talk a big game.. in reality.. they don't have the power to take the EX to court.. that is their spouse's issue.. and there may be many reasons why that dog doesn't get poked.

I'm not sure what the solution is for the person being regaled with all these complaints.. I guess spending less time and being less available to that person.. if the conversations are too frustrating.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Oh absolutely I can understand if it is not a realistic option, but I would use the words of "we would like to take BM to court, but we can't afford it just yet" or something to that effect which allows the person to vent and share their desires, but not every other week saying "we are taking BM to court because she has done x, y, and z for the 30th time" and then a few days later, just kidding again, we are not!

It can be very draining with these friends just because both DH and I do try and give actual helpful information and it is just a constant waste of time. When she texted me the last time to complain I just told her "honestly at this point, it's either you are going to take BM to court or you're not. The judge is not going to care about BM's criminal case against her and your safety concerns if you don't do anything about it now and realistically the judge might not care now because it has already been months. You both need to decide what you are going to do. If you're not going to go to court that is okay, but then stick with that and stop stressing on the topic."

Everyone complains and vents, that is fine, but don't keep going on this loop of venting and now we are going to take her for contempt if you really aren't going to do it. That's all I'm saying!

ESMOD's picture

Yes.. it's true that sometimes the best advice is to tell people that they either need to deal with the rope.. or drop it.. but complaining about it constantly at some point is making their life unhappy and they may be happier to just "let it go".. and not pretend that they have control over the BM.

SteppedOff's picture

I agree with ESMOD.

The "mean" thing is to continue to allow the person to keep fussing about the same things, behaviors, patterns, troubles. Even after sharing and pointing out facts with them they still repeat the same behaviors, make new excuses, and continue down the same road expecting something different. That is the issue for the person and it is a big issue, and in my opinion, not a mentally healthy one.

In the past we had a woman in our building who often complained, fussed about her husband. Whether she liked to admit it or not his behavior was abusive and he really was a POS. One day a mental health professional who worked in our office said to all of us...STOP allowing Rosey to keep complaining, talking about the same things...she is using all of you and has no intention of helping herself to get out of the situation. We did and she eventually stopped and found fresh, unsuspecting victims to listen, be her audience, with no intentioning of changing her situation.

The road less travelled. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

helping the person by allowing them to continue on with their behavior.

The hardest part is we are friends, but we aren't super close friends. We spend a bit of time together, but usually as the 4 of us. I do vent to her about BM stuff too and she to me, but a lot of it is just because we both can relate where others cannot. If something big or crazy happens outside of that drama, she is like the 10th person I tell, not nearly one of the first, so since we aren't as close I am not as vocal as I would be about other people if they were doing the same thing.

 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

IMO, it is not mean. It's frustrating to have someone ask for advice for the same thing time after time when it's obvious they have done nothing with the oodles of advice they previously received. Then again, maybe I'm a mean girl... 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Well I don't think it is mean as long as I don't let out my true opinion in the words I think in my head sometimes of "either take her to court already or just shut up and worry about something else." Which wouldn't be taken very well, but that is my unfiltered thought on the topic haha