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It isn't even June 1 yet and the drama is already starting from BM

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So as many of you know, BM was supposed to move this summer, specifically in June and bf has his daughter from June 1 - September 1, full time. As a we are 3 weeks away from the 1st now, bf decided it would be a good idea to address the pick up time on June 1, since no specific time is laid out in the CO. So bf messages BM on the app, informing BM he will drop the child off at 5 pm Sunday, May 31 as usual and then will pick her back up at 5 pm on June 1, so BM has a full 24 hours with her before his time starts.

So BM responds with she is not moving until at least September, if the papers for her new job get signed and she should know by June when she is leaving. Also, she then is ALREADY trying to request days to see the child this summer on my bf's time. Which, yes it is in the court order that if it doesn't burden my bf that it is up to him to allow BM to have a day trip with the child this summer if she is still here, key words are "may allow." The only reason bf allowed that in the CO is because of that verbiage, he does not have to give BM any days, so there is no possibility of contempt, but satisfied BM by having it in there. BM also requests to see child on her birthday which bf and I agreed since we get the child every year for her birthday, BM will be able to see her on her birthday or at least close to it since she will be here, but we have not decided what we are doing for the day yet, so are not 100% saying which way it will be. So bf responds that for the day trips she is requesting, it will be addressed then, that she will be able to see the child on or around her birthday, but he has plans with the child for the summer and will not agree to any set days and times at this time, especially since he only gets the child from here on out for around 2 months total while BM gets the other 10 months of the year.

BM responds that she understands this and if bf wants to see the child on her time if he lets her know ahead and she doesn't have plans she will allow it. Well, BM it is very easy to say that when you will be states away soon enough and have 10 months of time with her and bf's time happens before her time does. Plus we know you play games and lie ALL the time so you are just saying that to get what you want as per usual. Then she goes into how she wants to set up a call schedule for the summer, every tuesday/thursday at 5 or 6 pm.... Yeah, no f***ing way BM, in the court order bf did not want specific dates and times so he doesn't have to revolve his life around a set phone schedule so no, there will not be a set call schedule that you make because that is what you want. The court order says reasonable phone access, which she will have, but BM is not making a schedule for our summer for us to follow so she has control. No, no, no. 

So basically, I am not looking forward to the summer since there is already drama from BM about the summer weeks away. Bf and I have not decided yet on if outside of the child's birthday we will let BM do any day trips with her because he will never get the favor in return for giving up his time, but if/when she does see her, BM will be coming to pick the child up, not bf driving to BM's like he has done since March 2018, we are not going out of our way for her on bf's time. It is tough because on one hand it would probably be good for the child, but letting BM dictate and get what she wants, gives her control or a sense of it which we do not want her to have. So we shall see, I mean we could at least have a date day or date night if we did let BM have time with her. However, one thing we will not budge on is letting BM create a schedule for phone calls, neither of us want to revolve our schedule around specific days or times for phone calls when it is not in the CO. So yeah, yay me, this is fun already.

Comments

Livingoutloud's picture

Didn't you say that BM wasn't moving at all? 

honestly if BM isn't moving now, shouldn't schedule continue as usual like whatever 50/50 or something. I thought full time summer visit was set up because she was supposed to move? He will have SD 100% all summer? 

if I was going to move but then plans changed, I'd be upset if my ex said he'll have DD for 90 days straight even though I live near by.
 

Is this really in the best interest of the child? or is it done to just to stick it to BM again? It looks very bad and it's all kind of wrong. 

 

 

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

No, summer schedule will not be effected at all because it is written as she is moving this summer, but during the June 1 - September 1 if BM has not moved, then bf may allow day trips with BM, nothing changes he gets his daughter 100%. What will change if she does not move is after September 1, that has to be addressed. Bf is reaching out to attorney today to discuss that. The language in the court order allows BM to move between June 1 - September 1, but it is written so that even if she doesn't move between then bf's time will not be affected, but there is no language for what happens after September 1 if she does not move.

Livingoutloud's picture

I understand he was supposed to have SD all summer because BM was moving. Why is he  keeping a kid all summer if BM isn't moving? How is it good for the child? 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

September 21, then it is fair for him to give up time with the child that he doesn't get to see again until Spring Break 2021? That is not fair to bf's time. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Why is the focus on what's fair to an adult rather than what's good for a young child. SD is not an adult. BF is 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I dunno that I would change the schedule. She pushed for it so she could move and take the child...

IF they change it for the summer, it's possible that they do 50/50, BF gets very littel time with the kid, and then the BM decides to move in September and she takes the kid for him to not see for like 10 months...  There's always going to be some random reason to change the schedule. But I think the easiest method, especially when high conflict is just to follow the CO regardless. And go back to court or mediate if it needs adjusted.

ETA: I DO still think they should allow SD to see BM durign the summer. But I don't think it should be a complete rearrange to the 50/50 schedule. Just sticking to the schedule and allowing SD to go with BM for a few day trips and possibly a few sleep overs, but where BF still gets the majority of the time.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, can't the two attorneys just create a document saying that you guys are going to continue 50/50 until she moves, and then have it approved once they can? It makes zero sense for one parent to have the kid all summer when the other parent lives 15 minutes away.

And IMO, it won't look good for your DH if he doesn't allow BM to see her during the 3 months when she lives in the same town - and your SD is going to miss her, she's only 3.  I know BM is a rotten parent, but it's still her mom.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

bf TRIED to have that as the language for it to be 50/50 until either party moves, but BM refused to sign that and went on this whole thing about she won't agree to that since she is moving this summer, specifically she said June, but clearly that is not happening

We understand that, that is why we are in a dilemma about it. We also have 5 trips planned this summer so I am not rearranging all our plans with the child and our trips to benefit BM. Especially if she moves in September, we don't get her again until Spring Break 2021, since BM gets Christmas in even years, so then bf loses even more time with her

tog redux's picture

Don't rearrange your trips - but make sure SD has ample time with her mom.  For her - not for BM.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Bf doesn't get to see child after September 1 until Spring Break 2021, so because BM has not moved by her own choice, he should give up his time with the child when BM gets majority time? I understand her being so close and to not see her but BM is the one who made this schedule and bf agreed to it

Livingoutloud's picture

I understand sticking to the principle but how is it right by the child. I understand it's right by BF, but is he thinking it's right to not let his child see her mom even though she lives near by? Why? How is it good? 

it's not and can't always be about BM and BF. What about the child 

tog redux's picture

But she didn't move - that's the reality. So it's better for the child to have 50/50 with her parents for as long as possible, before she has to go long periods of time without one or the other of them.

Livingoutloud's picture

This child is only 3. Very young. She will be staying with her dad for 3 months straight even though BM lives near by. Your BF needs to stop focusing on how to prove something to BM and how to stick it to BM and focus on what's the right thing to do. this isn't the right thing to do by his child. These two are playing games and poor kids are a pawn again. That's not right 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

The child is going to be going 10 months without her father, it has nothing to do with proving something to BM, but has to do with BM is the one who MADE the schedule and MADE the choice not to move, I don't think bf should have to give up more of his time because it is what BM wants especially when she could purposely not be moving until September to try and get more time with the child then as soon as September happens she moves, so now bf just lost more time because BM made a power play

Livingoutloud's picture

It's not about your BF and what he thinks is fair to him. This isn't a car or property that we are discussing. It's not even a dog. It's his child 

hatred for BM doesn't justify not allowing his child to see her mom who lives near by. It doesn't matter what he feels. It's not about BM. He is hurting his child. He has to do things that benefit his child out of love for his child. 
 

I know you are proud that your BF always stands up to BM. And it's good. But now you are proud that he us hurting his child in order to stand up to BM. Don't be that person. 

 

 

tog redux's picture

But you guys are choosing to move away too, and agreed to a non-custodial parent schedule. It's not like it was forced on you.

So if BM had her for several months straight and refused to allow your BF time with her, when he lived in the same town, you'd think that was okay? No - you'd think that was wrong.

You really have to stop thinking about it as a competition with BM and think of what's good for the child. I do know how very hard that is.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

in May 2021, bf gave up the school year because we are moving. Bf is paying for the choice of moving by giving up time. BUT BM IS THE MOVE WHO REFUSED TO 50/50 UNTIL ANYONE MOVED. Bf tried to make it 50/50 till either moved, but BM would not allow it. So it was her choice. And personally, I think BM stayed to try and get summer time with the child, but then once summer is over will be gone, so she just took his time, when she gets the child ALL the time. 

I am not thinking of it as a competition, but I think it is wrong if BM's plan is to just try and take away from the limited time bf has to then move after his time is done, therefore giving him less time with his child.

 

tog redux's picture

I know how hard it is with a BM like this - but just remember, this is a 3-year-old's mother.  We don't know or care what BM's plan is, we care about the well-being of a child.

So tell BM - we are unable to give you X dates, but you can take her on Y dates.

BethAnne's picture

How is this master plan that BM has suposedly come up with better for her than the 50/50 that your bf offered her in the first place?

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree that the custody paperwork should be ammended. IF- and that is a big IF she moves, you can always revert back, however  - what is your plan if she doesn't move?? Would the current agreement stand and she would be able to withhold your SD until the next long distance visit? Thanksgiving? Christmas?

If I was you guys I would give her every other weekend over the summer. That way you can have a break too. 3 months straight is a long time, especailly for a little one. It is hard on my bios who were 11/13 last summer when they did it. I would also add in that if she doesn't move that 50/50 custody will start on Sept 1 until she does leave the local area, at that point you will revert to the previously agreed upon long-distance parenting plan.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

Crap. The way it is now- she can keep this poor girl away until Spring break next year even if she doesn't move. You guys need to make some changes for the interim. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

agreement beforehand. She thought to add in there about "if she doesn't move" so I don't agree to giving her more time when bf went along with HER plan for the summer. If she moves right after September 1, she gained all this time with the child and bf does not get to see her till Spring Break 2021. He gave up what is supposed to be his limited time for her to just turn around and leave, so she got more time when she already gets 10 months a year.

Bf thinks the lawyer said if she doesn't move after September 1, that it reverts to 50/50 till she moves, but I am not sure so he is reaching out to the attorney

tog redux's picture

Wait - so you guys expect her to revert to 50/50 if she doesn't move, but you won't do the same over the summer?

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

September 1 till April is 7 months, so yes, I don't think it is right for BM to take time away from his summer by her own choice to then move away and make him wait 7 months to see the child. Bf tried to make it so it is 50/50 until someone moves, BM refused. That is no one's fault but her own

Livingoutloud's picture

Her mom lives near by. She should be able to see both parents. She is too young to comprehend what might happen in the future if mom and dad move or not. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Then BM needs to be willing to agree, on paper, to a modified 50/50 schedule until one or both parents move. If BM *really* wants to see her daughter because it's in her daughter's best interest, then she can call up her attorney and draft that modification today.

Livingoutloud's picture

That's a good point. Plan needs to reflect current situation of parents living near by. Not potential move that might not even happen 

justmakingthebest's picture

I really think you guys should take a deep breath and remember you are talking about a 3 yr old. She is going to want her mom. If the option for BM getting a total of 12 days over an entire summer is there, it really isn't much, but her being able to see her mom and sister because she is only a few minutes away every other weekend is really for the better interests of SD.

tog redux's picture

Exactly. "No, 3-year-old, you can't see your Mommy because it's MY time. She agreed to it and it's MY time," will not be good parenting.

Livingoutloud's picture

This story is an example when people hate their exes more than they love their children. These two are a textbook example 

tog redux's picture

I totally get how hard it is not to hang on tight to your time with a BM like this - but in this situation, it just makes no sense.

Livingoutloud's picture

I agree about standing up to ones ex, especially if ex creates problem. But I don't believe in hurting ones children in the process 

it's not always about exes. That's the whole point of parenting. Your desires and feelings can't be a priority if it hurts your children 

tog redux's picture

It's a tough balance, no doubt, DH and I struggled with it too. And BM here was always scheming on how to get more time.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I think your BF either needs to stick to the CO, regardless of whether BM moves, or talk to his attorney about a modification to 50/50.

Personally, I think the best approach would be keeping her June-September per the CO and then 50/50 until BM moves. That way, if BM moves early, BF doesn't lose time BUT also gets to keep 50/50 while SD lives in town.

If BM doesn't agree, just stick to the CO and don't give in to her. If she wants to play hardball, so be it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Kinda, yeah.

I don't like it for SD, but BM has shown that she isn't going to play fair or in the best interest of her daughter.

And SD is 4. I doubt she has a good concept of how close or far away her mothet is. Let SD FaceTime with her mother. Let her call her mom, send her pictures, etc. If I remember correctly, part of this 3 months was also make-up time for BM withholding SD.

This SD is going to have to learn very early on that she's going to be spending time away from one parent or the other for an extended period of time. It's rough for sure, but that's the reality of how she's going to have to live. Good news is that IF BF finds it compelling to let BM have time with SD, he can. But, with a woman who would take a mile, I'd heavily advise against it.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Unless BM says asks your dad if you can see me or something. The child is not going to know. We are not at all saying she cannot talk to her mom or anything, just are not agreeing to a set schedule. Yes, that is part of the reason the schedule was made this way.

I also agree, this is going to be the schedule moving forward. Bf and I already accepted that we will go long times without seeing the child, gave up the school year when he really did not want to. I am sure BM really didn't want to give up the whole summer, but that was her choice.

Also, exactly it is not a competition or a sticking it to the BM, it is a sticking to the CO like EVERYONE here has told us to do and not to go against it by the wishes of the BM. BM will not return the favor or make the compromises for bf. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

This issue is that the CO isn't conducive to what is in the best interests of SD, which I understand. But divorce is not the best interest of SD, either. Keeping her with a mother who doesn't provide adequate medical care isn't in her best interest, either. Keeping her with a mother who lies about every GD thing isn't in her best interest, either.

What IS in SD's best interest is being with a loving parent who can assess what SD needs and balance that with what she wants. Future, I would encourage your BF to give BM a day a week (or entertain the thought of a day week) for SD to see BM. BUT, I'd only suggest it so long as BM doesn't abuse it. If she starts acting like a fool after the first visit, nip it.

To the others, this isn't about winning. This is about BF not setting himself up to be thought a less-active or interested parent in the future. If he voluntarily gives BM 50/50 this summer, it would be VERY easy to spin it as "he can't handle her full-time" and for BM to try and limit his summer time. That may not be as big of a deal NOW, but going forward if BM continues to be neglectful (but not neglectful enough for CPS to intervene), BF is going to need to show that he CAN and WILL parent 100% of his Coed parenting time BUT will also facilitate a relationship between SD and BM by allowing lots of FaceTime and a day a week for an outting/visit.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

except 1 day a week will not work with our travel, maybe 1 day every other week would be more agreeable.

This is TRUE that it does set it up that he does not look like he can handle it and it can hurt him in the future. 

Thank you for throwing out there some of the things that BM has done because spending an extended period of time with bf and I, selfishly I think will be good for her. BM has never thought about what is in the best interest for the child and many would argue that bf moving away is not thinking of the best interest for her either. However, we are moving for bf to get a better job so he can provide for his daughter, now and in the future when it comes time to college, etc. And again what everyone always forgets is, us moving allows us to get space from BM's older daughter who she ripped away from my bf. It is not good for him or that child to have the possibility of coming into contact frequently. Emotionally, that is not good for either one of them. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yes, BM has done a lot to stack the deck against SD, and knowing that, your BF is going to have to live his life in a way that he feels benefits SD. If he feels following the CO is what is best, then that's what he needs to do.

What I don't understand is why, if BM is so hellbent on seeing SD, that she doesn't just go and draw up a new CO until she leaves in September. Offer your BF all of June and then switch back to 50/50. Her taking the initiative would show that she is looking out for SD.

Trying to work out back alley deals with your BF is just so she can "win". Your BF sticking to the CO is all he can do to not give up any sort of ground he has in the future should he need it. BM has all the cards, she just doesn't know how to play them. It's not your BF's job to give her a leg up on screwing him over when, really, SD is probably going to be fine long-term even if she goes 3 months without seeing BM.

stepgirlfriendfurmom's picture

3 year olds understand the concept of distance and would be able to know that her mom lives close or not. Only way I see that as being plausible is if BM tells the child to ask OP's bf to let her see BM or something along those lines

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

That is how I feel too.

Everyone keeps saying oh she's 3, etc. You are right she is 3 and guess what at 3, does she ever ask to see her mom when she is here? No. Does she ever talk about her mom when she's here or her sister? No. Does she ever ask to talk to her mom? No. The child used to see her mom a few days a month for 1.5 years on BM's choice prior to her turning 2, but the child is very used to being with one parent for an extended period of time. 

If bf has to give time, then BM should have to too, not just award her more time because she is playing games and is close. We tried to make it 50/50 all the time, but she wouldn't hear of it.

justmakingthebest's picture

The CO means that he will get his 3 months but then, even though he is right down the road, he won't get her again until April (ish). I wouldn't be playing hardball right now since the plans have changed. Work smart in the case. The chess pieces have moved. 

tog redux's picture

Exactly. BM can claim she now gets her until April and make the same argument that he agreed to it.  Or instead, they can decide to put the 3-year-old's needs first.

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Right, which is why I recommended he try for 50/50 custody after September. If he wants to try for it now, so be it. But if BM isn't willing to compromise despite her being the problem, then he has no choice but to follow the CO. And he should - to the letter. It will mean he won't see his daughter from September until April, but that was going to be the arrangement anyway.

Livingoutloud's picture

This child is too young to understand that the reason she isn't allowed to see her mother because in the future dad might not see her for however long and dad thinks it's unfair. This child is too young to think that much ahead. BF needs to read about child psychology and child development. Children that young don't have concept of future beyond 5 minutes from now.

 Traumatizing his child NOW because dad thinks something is not fair to him in the future is unwise and uncalled for. This child is too young to understand CO or dads views on fairness or moms and dads rights. BF makes it about himself and his rights. What about his child and his child's rights?

ndc's picture

The whole summer is a long time for a 4 year old to go without seeing the other parent. I would not tie myself down to a phone call schedule or reschedule any trips or outings, but for the sake of the child I'd let BM have some time during the summer. Heck, you might welcome the break.

If BM doesn't reciprocate, that's on her. Wouldn't you rather know that YOU and BF had done what was best for the child, even if BM is a selfish game player?

tog redux's picture

Exactly. Try to put the child's needs first, even if it feels like a "win" for BM. The kids are the big losers in these competitions.

ETA: As I look back, I wish DH and I had done a better job of this. It was hard when it felt like BM was always trying to scheme and take time away.

advice.only2's picture

I think realistically this will be the last time your BF gets this amount of time with his daughter. Once the GUBM moves away she's not going to uphold the CO and your BF is going to have to fight tooth and nail for his basic parental rights. I don't envy either of you the uphill battle you are about to embark on. I also don't envy you the amount of time, money and emotional toll it's going to take. So enjoy this time with his daughter while you can. I'm not trying to be the harbinger of doom over here, but we've seen this way to many times on the site, and with a high conflict BM they do everything they can to PAS the kid as soon as possible.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I think the arguement of what is best for the child is moot point when it is going to be an out of state schedule always, whether it be this september or not until May 2021, so my bf wanting to take advantage of this extended time he is allotted with his daughter based on what BM wanted the agreement to say is not him being selfish or competing with BM. The child loses a father for 10 months a year, but that doesn't bother anyone, but the 3 months of getting quality time with dad is wrong. 

justmakingthebest's picture

Why did he agree to this parenting plan to begin with?

I do long distance with my ex. We are in VA he is in CA. 

My kids see their dad:

  • Summer
  • Spring break
  • Every Thanksgiving
  • Dec. 26 until the day before school is back in session

**Any time he or their SM come to our area. They have open and liberal visitation. I requested 2 weeks notice and I also allow them to miss a day or 2 of school if he come to town.

We have been doing this schedule for almost 2 years now. They haven't gone more than 2 months without seeing their dad. 

Livingoutloud's picture

We had a period of long distance parenting with ex. No way no how either one of us would agree to seeing DD once a year. That's crazy. Especially if a child is that young (ours wasn't). And no judge would push for that kind of schedule or agreed that it's the best for the child. That's not normal. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

-Every other Christmas (BM gets odd years)

-Every spring break

-Every summer for 6 weeks

 

So it is more than 1 a year, but unfortuately this year is not bf's for Christmas, so it will be September til April he will not see her. As BM would not agree to split transportation costs, we cannot afford to do more than 2-3 times a year covering travel from one coast to the other. PLUS BM will not agree to more time

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Because BM wouldn't agree to it and was drawing out the divorce for far longer than needed, and BF's attorney had told him if he went to court he'd get potentially less or the same time AND owe BM more money, AND BM won't split travel costs so BF can't afford more trips than that (which OP literally just said above).

And following BM around the country to wherever she's going to live is a poor life decision.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Even though BM cheated and had another man's child and passed it off as my bf's for 3 years till he filed for divorce, the judge WOULD not of granted any additional time because he "did not want to separate the sisters" so even though bf is honestly the better parent, BM would of gotten majority from the judge because she whored around. The agreement is the best possible amount of time we would of received.

Livingoutloud's picture

Your BF is always doing good job in enforcing his boundaries with BM. But this is not the time or the place. This time it's not about him and BM or what he wants or what he thinks. 

Felicity0224's picture

I say this from experience, not malice. Trying to make things 'fair' for the parents often damages the children. There is what is fair, and what is right, and sometimes those aren't the same thing. If your SO continues to dig his heels in on taking as much time as he can get without regard to how it effects his daughter, it is going to hurt her eventually.

To me it sounds like y'all are more worried about not letting BM feel like she's 'won' than you are about what's best for the child. Nothing about the arrangement is ideal, but if BM were to move away then I would agree that keeping her all summer is the best of all the bad choices. But since she isn't moving, the best of less bad choices is to continue 50/50 or at a minimum give BM every other weekend.

A 3-4 year old shouldn't go months without seeing her mother (or her father!) if it can be avoided. If y'all insist on this, don't be surprised if BM doesn't move and turns around and keeps her until April. That wouldn't be good either, but BM sure would feel like she was sticking it to y'all. 

This could have all been avoided if a CO hadn't been put in place dependent on future 'what if' situations. I blame your attorneys and the judge for agreeing to this, honestly. When two people can't effectively coparent, court orders should deal with the circumstances that are currently in place and modified as necessary when circumstances change. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Excellent post.

that was my point all along 

and I agree about lawyers not doing their job. OP's BF always had the most horrible lawyers, Iike the one insisting he will get full custody and should fight from it from the get go. And I bet they charged big buck for a crappy job 

tog redux's picture

Yes, exactly.  I do know the feeling of not wanting BM to win, and how hard it is not to get in that mindset when she is constantly playing games with time.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Here's my sticking point on all of this:

BM isn't who is best for the child to live with, period. She lies about school, living situations, paternity, and healthcare. On paper, she may be the CP, but in reality, she's a crappy parent.

Likely, it's better for SD to live with her Dad for the summer. I'm not getting the impression from subsequent posts that BF is refusing BM time or contact, just that he isn't going to put BM's schedule before his own. He's also not going to play games with BM, which is necessary as he needs to deal with her for 15 more years, not just the next 3-12 months.

It seems like folks think that BF is just going to lock the child away and not allow BM any contact. The reality is, BM DID THAT. She is the one who withheld SD in the past (if I remember correctly), and she is the one who left SD with BF for 1.5 years before she turned back up (if I remember correctly).

BF got screwed by the courts due to biases that moms and siblings trump dads. He took the best deal he could based on the information presented to him. If we were working off logic and best interests, CP would be BF since he has steady employment, has shown he will address medical needs, and has a moral compass since he didn't defraud BM.

I don't buy that seeing BM is in SD's best interest because BM sucks as a mom. Now, for SD's emotional health, she should have access to her mom over the summer. No one is debating that point anymore. BUT, to say that SD will be harmed forever by going three months with minimal contact with BM is debatable considering being with BM is also harmful.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Basically BM only would win being the CP because of the fact the younger child has a sibling also from BM, but I bet when I have a child with SO, the new judge if/when we go back to court will not feel the same way, but it will also be the child's half sibling. That is for another day though, but bf is definitely the better parent. I may feel this way just simply because I am in a relationship with her father, but realistically it is the truth.

You are right on your memories of events with BM!

Overall, I think some time with her dad will be good for her! 

bananaseedo's picture

 

I actually disagree with all the advice given.  Apparently being away from dad all this time is ok, but uterus bm no?  SHE gave you hell abou this no 50/50 shit over and over, so stick to the CO>  That's what we preach.  I would definately stick to his time since it will be so long he will see her after this.  You say she's used to extended times w/each parent, that will be her new normal moving forward.  Also, what 3 yr old then 'knows' mom is right there but can't see her?  

What I WOULD do is allow several day visits, maybe once a week or every two weeks so she doesn't lose all contact, and do the phone calls on YOUR terms, maybe she can do skype instead since no 3-4yr old is going to just be ok w/being on the phone.  Plenty of young children go months w/out seeing either parent and still thrive.  I don't buy that she will be eternally damaged by spending a summer w/her father w/out seeing her mom. 

If I recall, it took an extremelly long time/money and back/forths with this crazy bitch so I would avoid any more legal battles for now and enjoy his time w/her as mandated.  AFTER Sept if she doesn't move you can address it again, maybe at that point do 50/50 until the move...but enjoy the no legal battler w/this batshit crazy for now.  Honestly as shitty as she is, not sure why people assume the kid will be so damaged being away from her deranged ass.  We all know how disruptive it is when kids learn some new skills or good behavior only to go for a weekend/week away and come back w/all the bad habits to break again or PAS to combat, so enjoy some time influence free to build a strong bond....just stick to the day trips on occasion.  That's my POV anyways. 

 

tog redux's picture

My niece could give driving directions to her favorite places in town from the back seat when she was 4.  She will know that her mother still lives close by and she isn't going to visit.

bananaseedo's picture

How?  What if they don't normally drive by there?  She said the kid is used to it, so what's the big deal. Dad can explain it's his time w/her and she will see her soon.  

tog redux's picture

They drive to and from BM's house, the kid is not dumb. She knows it doesn't take long.

My niece could tell us "you turn there to go to (fill in the blank place)."

The kid is used to going ONE WEEK without seeing BM.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

that your neice could not do so. Nor is anyone calling the child dumb. However, bf's daughter, 100% does not know directions. She thinks a 5 minute car ride is long. We know this because we asked her when going to the park that 2 miles from bf's house that we frequent more than the ride to BM's house. 

She is used to going one week now, however since before she was 2, she was used to going 2 or 3 weeks straight some months without seeing BM because she didn't have time to or want to see her child. So it is not this huge interruption. It never has been. BM's older child on the other hand did ask about BM and whenever she didn't get her way said she wanted to go to "mommy's" but we never have anything like that now.

And to be honest, if we don't tell the child before we get to BM's that she is going back to her mom's she says she doesn't want to go and starts crying, so yeah.

justmakingthebest's picture

My big thing is what happens if she doesn't move.

They don't need to wait until September to address this. There is a change in circumstances. They settled on things they weren't happy with in the divorce in order to just end it. It is time to go ahead and address all of this now. If they wait it will be Christmas AT BEST before they see SD again. Also, if they go back now, allow her a few visits over the summer maybe they can get time in December as well. Not Christmas since it is BM's this year but maybe the week after X-mas to New Years. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

apparently because bf agreed to going 10 months without seeing his child sometimes, it is okay for the child not to see her dad, but BM would agreed to go 3 months without seeing her child, it is going to damage her forever. Unless BM tells the child, she will have no idea that BM is close by or anything like that.

I agree that is the right thing to do, to do it on our terms. There is nothing wrong with 3 weeks away saying we will not commit to any dates or times when we already have plans and are still figuring out our plans with the child for the summer. If a judge thought it would cause such damage, they would never agree to an out of state schedule.

Yes, lots of time and money, so honestly if BM wants to modify, that's fine, but it will be her filing etc. not putting more money, time, etc. out especially when September 2 she could move and it was all for nothing. 

bananaseedo's picture

We can all have opinions, in the end it's up to them how they want to handle. I wouldn't blame them from taking a break and just enjoying his kid uninterrupted. It doesn't at all make him an incosiderate or bad parent. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I think it would also be good for his daughter. She thrives when with us, then every time we get her back we spend the first day or two un-doing or re-teaching because BM allows bad habits and does not have rules. It will be nice to have consistency. 

bananaseedo's picture

Oh I agree 100pct. Let her have some consistency and time with dad w/out her crazy influence. 

Willow2010's picture

Im really surprised you are being advised against following the CO.  Especially with this crazy horrible BM.

I do have a few questions.  Why are yall not moving to where SD will be?  (I know there could be multiple reasons)

Why would it be so long before DH can see his child again?

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

We are not moving to where SD will be because Bf has a 100% guranteed job with benefits, opportunity to move up, and where BM is moving has zero opportunities for us. Plus our decision to go where we are going was made before BM even brought up moving.

So our out of state schedule looks like:

-every other Christmas (BM has even years)

-every spring break

-6 weeks every summer

Unfortunately this is not our year for Christmas, BM would not agree to any additional time, plus she refused to split transportation costs so it is based on what we can afford/BM would agree to

Thumper's picture

OP why do you tend to scream at everyone when you post stuff?

Most everyone here has 10, 15 plus years experience in Family Court. Do you think WE just make stuff UP?

 

 

 

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

1. I do not scream at everyone. I do however get very irritated when someone is telling me I need professional help because what I and my SO are doing is incorrect or when they accuse me of having an affair, etc. with my SO. Those are the times I have all cap's it yes.

 

2. Never said anyone was making it up, but I will disagree with advice when I do not agree with it especially when not using the history, etc. of the situation to give the advice.

bananaseedo's picture

I would scream to, because honestly I feel a lot of the responses are complete bullsh*t...it's just posters trying to control others and make her feel inferior, nothing to do with 'caring' about the child.  That is hogwash. The dad loves his kid and so does the OP.