Is it because court is coming up this week?
As many of you know, the last month has been quite stressful between CPS, police, BM witholding the children from my bf, etc. Well finally, after my bf's lawyer f'ed up again, the pendente lite hearing is this Friday regarding temporary custody of the children. It was supposed to be last Friday, but apparently the county all of the custody/divorce items have been filed is different than his lawyer's usual county (my bf changed lawyer about 3 months back now), so it is 2 weeks between filing for a hearing and the actual hearing, not one week which apparently is normal in VA.
For any of you wondering, my bf did not see his child on her birthday last week because BM waited until 2 hours before the children's bedtime to say he could see her on her birthday however, only if he spent time with her and the children together. Between worry that the judge might make this the status quo until everything is finalized and not going to play happy family with her, he did not go. Also on this day, the BM plainly said that she does not want the older child (who is not biologically his) included in the custody order because he is not her father (now she basically has been gloating about her not being his) and that the custody arrangement will just be for the younger child. Since last Monday, he has spoken to them on the phone twice, yet again on speaker phone in a public place, barely can hear the children. He has also asked to see the children twice to which again she responded it would only be while spending time all of them together.
Getting on to my point of this blog, Saturday night my bf texted the BM again asking to see the children. To which she responded the usual about she does not trust him so unless it is together, he won't be seeing them. My bf does not respond to this text message and ten minutes later, she texts him 3 pictures and 6 paragrah text messages. One picture was of the two girls when they were younger, one picture was of my bf holding the youngest as a baby, and the third was of the youngest at the doctors. Says "I found these and thought you might want them" and says all I want to do is being supported as a co-parent with you and act like normal co-parents and do activies, birthdays, holidays, etc. together. and be able to be supportive to one another since you are "youngest child's name's father." However, then follows up by "you broke up our family with lies and bs, I did not cheat on you." ..... However is casually throwing around how my bf isn't the father of the one child and they were married then and played off that she was his for 3 years? Like what.
Is all this nonsense being thrown around now knowing that there is a court date coming this week? For the past three weeks now it has been paragrah after paragraph of text messages from her to my bf saying how she just wants to "coparent," how he set her up with drugs, how he can't be trusted, how she wants to do things together "for the children," and then for the 3rd time since we have been together she threw my name out there (which she spelled wrong) saying how "(my name) isn't helping the situation." Meanwhile, I have never spoken a word to her, he has never mentioned me to her, she just knows my name from the kids talking about me. My bf has not been feeding into her nonsense, has answered a few times, shutting down things she says that aren't true, but usually just not responding to her blowing up his phone. Anyway, already know this week is going to be a stressful and tough one, but I was just wondering if any of you have experienced this sort of behavior leading up to a court date?
***Update: Bf just left his attorney's office regarding what to expect for Friday. Apparently, his lawyer will make an opening statement, then the BM's lawyer gets to examine my bf on the stand for 7 minutes, then BM's lawyer gets to make an opening statement and bf's lawyer gets to examine BM for 7 minutes and then the judge will make a decision. His lawyer said turning down seeing his daughter on her birthday on the terms of doing it with the BM present is indeed not in the best interest for the children and has no qualms with his decision on that. So that is definitely a good thing at least that his lawyer is not worried.
His lawyer did give him worst case scenario for everything, that the judge may try and have him pay spousal support and child support. However, his lawyer has all the paperwork to show that my bf did pay spousal support for 13 months already for $600, then $100 for a month, which the military required him to pay $600 for a year and after she denied him access to the children he changed the reduced amount to zero. Plus he has proof he has been paying for day care since separation and has been paying $1000 for the month that he has not had them so they do not lose their spot.
The BM could also and is probably going to get a DNA test for the older child which then will give her the opportunity to fight to have my bf taken off the birth certificate and any right to her taken away. Which also in turn will f*** herself because then for the divorce proves adultery and will make that much easier.
So much can change by the end of this week and honestly have no idea which way it is going to go. Especially when BM's lawyer has not responded to the summons for the hearing on Friday so who knows if they will show (probably will) and who knows if they will respond to the settlement agreement (they have until August 13th)... so just waiting on the sidelines to see what happens :x
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She is setting the stage as
She is setting the stage as being the "reasonable one". She now has multiple things she can point to where she has "tried to work with him" and he hasn't played along. So.. yeah.. I think it plays in her favor.
In regards to her offer to let him see his child on her birthday only if she were there... she does have somewhat of a reasonable excuse why she wants to be there. The kids are telling them that daddy hits/spanks them.. The kid went back to her with bruising and apparently was allowed to climb a rock wall (I think this is the right situation I am recalling). So, it is NOT a far stretch of the imagination to see how a court might be sympathetic to her wanting to be there when the visit took place because she doesn't trust her EX not to spank the kid(s) and supervise them properly.
So.. could he have asked if she could have brought the child to a neutral location and sat separately? Could he have seen if a friend or relative could have gone with him to act as a neutral witness? I know you don't want him playing happy family but one might judge him for not taking an opportunity to see his child "no matter what".
I don't agree with the argument that just because he does something once... that it will always be ordered that way.
But, to answer your question.. is she doing this "just for court".. it's likely that she is laying more groundwork and basis for her being reasonable... her lawyer might be guiding her on how to do this.
It is not just me
who does not want him playing happy family. He said it before I even got a chance to express my opinion, that he will not play happy family with her and I fully agree. It is ridiculous if a judge wants to hold that against him that he is not going to pretend and spend time with her. So what because she has offered to play happy family the past 1.5 year of my bf trying to get the girls to have a relationship with the BM, get her to spend time with them, etc. all goes out the window because he won't agree to that? That is crazy.
The CPS, the police, and the military's investigations all came back that it was unfounded, as well as her making multiple false reports already, The thing that bites him kind of in the butt is that he did not make a report against her when the children ran away from her, all he has is her texts telling him that they did indeed run away.
What is most frustrating is that for the year we have been together and they had been separated for months before this, is she couldn't be bothered all this time about anything and the kids, but now with court coming up, she wants to play the concerned mother card. She knew while they were together that he spanked, but she had no issues all this time for the children to be in his care majority of the time.
Yep playing concerned mother
Yep playing concerned mother card.. can be quite effective in court. Your BF admited he spanked the kids.. and the kid had a nasty spill doing something it should not have been allowed to do. So..that gives some weight to her "fear of letting him see the kids alone" I understand it's not just "you" not wanting him to play happy family.. but he missed an opportunity to see his child on the girl's birthday.. and it will be so noted.
Psycho blamed me for her not
Psycho blamed me for her not being able to communicate with DH. LMAO. Sounds similar. She stated in her response to court "now that he's found love with someone else, we can't communicate as well." LOL. It's just drama. (because no. You can't communicate because you're Psychotic and never have even tried to communicate reasonably!)
It sounds like she's stocking up things to try and show herself as the helpless mother in court. I hope it does'nt work. But family court is ridiculous.
OMG
that is a laugh. That has been what bf has responded to her is, co-parenting is about communication and she has not been communicating with him.
Yeah that is what I have been seeing through posts on here that family court is ridiculous. It is so frustrating that she can never take responsibility and constantly plays this victim card. Honestly, irritates me when women like this give women a bad rep.
Irritates a lot of us. But
Irritates a lot of us. But there's also only so much you can do.
I'm sure she's documenting to try and make your SO seem like the ridiculous one. He needs to stay calm, not react, and respond politely and smartly. He can't stop her from messaging those things, but he can help his case by not reacting and calmly responding and trying to discuss. If she blows up then it helps his case. But he's going to have to stay calm and not react.
Unfortunately so
Yeah he has been trying to stay calm and not react. The good news of only communicating via text message is he has time to stop and think about what he is going to say before he sends it. The biggest thing will be for him to not react on the stand when BM's lawyer examines him and can question him for 7 minutes.
He definitely does not like not knowing what he will be asked, but is very aware he has to remain calm and collected throughout the whole thing, no matter what is asked of him.
Yep. Me.
Yep. Me.
This behavior is straight out of the BM handbook.
BM teetered between playing “single mom” victim, wanting to be a constant fixture in DH’s life (i.e. dozens of daily texts), wanting to stick it to him, wanting to play Happy Family at school functions and every holiday “without momjeans there,” PAS’ing, and blaming me for their inability to coparent.
These behaviors definitely ramped-up prior to court dates. Looking back, BM was a hot mess. Spoiler alert: she still is.
How did it effect things with court
did they see through her bs or did she get what she wanted?
My bf brough up an interesting point yesterday when all these texts were flooding his inbox, he said do you think she's angry that I have things going for me and she will not go anywhere in life? He has a career, she never finished getting even an associate's degree (she stopped going to class, lied about paying her student loans, then my bf had to pay off her student loans), she's on bf number 3 since they separated (we have been offically together a year tomorrow, not that she is privey to this personal information), she does not have any life skills and works at essientally a grocery store as a cashier, she's been arrested for drugs (he has never been arrested), etc. It is almost like she is angry he is doing well and will just continue to thrive.
Did your DH give in to playing happy family?
My DH stopped all the Happy
My DH stopped all the Happy Family facade, once we started dating, because let’s be honest - he couldn’t have it both ways.
Either you’re in a committed relationship with your current partner, or you’re committed to allowing your ex to believe they have the right to believe they’re going to keep you on ice as an emotionally and physically available person as needed.
When it came to court, it did not matter. My DH was very forthcoming with his attorney in regards to BM’s “You can see skid if you... pick her up at my place/meet us for dinner/ditch momjeans and spend Christmas morning with us/blah blah blah” BS. The attorney was very understanding and supported DH in not falling for any of BM’s shenanigans.
He was VERY clear with his attorney that he was attempting to move on in life, and that he expected the same of BM. Funnily, we suspect his attorney said something regarding that wish to BM’s attorney, because BM referenced the whole “moving on” thing to DH via a text, not one or two days later.
My DH kept meticulous record of all their correspondence. He printed out ALL of the text and email correspondence between him and BM. I recall reading through pages and pages and pages of manipulating, high conflict behavior from BM.
In the end? It *really* didn’t make that much of a difference, court wise, but it most definitely set the course for DH to have firm boundaries with BM.
The family court judge ruled their visitation as generically as possible. Neither of them got what they went in asking for. Emotions run high and tend to rule during these things, being a huge time and money suck. In the end it ends up not mattering all that much.
That's a good thing
that the boundary of not having it both ways was set very early on in your relationship. Luckily for me, my bf has not played into this Happy Family facade before I came around and certainly not after either. His lawyer said today that him not agreeing to play Happy Family on her terms to see the kids and say it is not in the best interest for the children was the right thing.
As the divorce/custody case is not about me obviously, I have not been discussed with his attorney. However, I did tell my bf today that since the BM brought my name up via text last week and that he will be examined this week by BM's attorney, I thought he should at least tell his attorney that I exist so he isn't caught off guard if the BM's lawyer for any reason brings me up. I think it is the best interest his lawyer is fully aware of everything to prepare for Friday.
Well that is good news, I was hoping that it did not hinder your DH in the court's eye because my bf is taking the same path of not playing happy family with her. Boundaries are so important! My bf has from the beginning respected me and our relationship and has not crossed any boundaries and done what he can as to not let BM cross any either. Unforunately you can't stop her from running her mouth and saying whatever she wants.
Thanks for sharing!
There is a good chance that
There is a good chance that the judge won't remove OSD even if she isn't his just because then BM would have to know who is the father, identify him, Positively DNA test him and then have another daddy in the picture to fight with. Given that your BF feels the way he does, something tells me that he would be in court to support new daddy in his case. BM is opening a can of worms to make her lose her kids here.
She is a real piece of work.
Yes she is definitely a piece of work!
I don't think that will happen either because what judge will want a child to have only one legal parent? I do think that it is good that his lawyer is giving him the worst case scenario however that way, no matter what happens, he is prepared for any possibility. I much rather that happen then him to be totally taken by surprise and devastated.
Personally, I think BM is playing chicken with my bf right now, she thinks that if she threatens x,y, and z, that he will back off and give her what she wants. Meanwhile, I think she is just shooting herself in the foot and is very egotistical. The direction everything is going will be brought very much to light on Friday I think though.
Yes. It’s for court. All of
Yes. It’s for court. All of the text she’s sending is because she is trying to get him to admit to things outright or by not correcting her. She is trying to say she is “trying” but as long as he responds with “can I pick up the kids at this time on this day?” to each of her “i’M tRyInG tO CoPaReNt” bs messages, it’ll show she’s just talking to talk.
So far he
has either responded to this by so you are denying me from seeing the children, correct? or sometimes he will correct her, but then says that he has nothing more to say, that way whatever she says after the fact, it is put clearly he will not be responding and it isn't him admitting things by not responding.
So much drama