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I am livid

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So didn't want to be back on here again for a while, but I'm extremely livid. This afternoon was pick up for my bf's daughter. So BM tries to hand him a gift and said here is a Valentine's Day gift from your daughter .... BM has NEVER tried to give bf a birthday gift, Christmas gift, Father's Day gift, nothing since this my bf filed for divorce two years ago. And from what I heard, sounds like BM never gave bf gifts really except Christmas and birthday. But now that bf told you via message he regrets everything with her and that he moved on from her a long time ago, now BM is trying to give bf a gift and claim it was the 3 year olds idea? 

Bf did not accept the gift, told her he didn't want it and he's told her a million times he doesn't want anything from her or to send his daughter with her.

I am still pretty damn livid though. It is hella inappropriate especially for the way they do not get a long whatsoever. I have it 100% covered BM you are not needed in purchasing anything for bf even if you're trying to present it as from his daughter, I got it. 




hereiam's picture

This is one of those things that you are just going to have to let go. You have a lot of years ahead you, as your SD is young. Laugh at how pathetic she is and let it go. Not worth the increase in blood pressure.

What really matters is how your SO handles it, and he did great.

BethAnne's picture

Yep, he did great that is the main thing.

We still have a mug in our cupboard that BM gave my husband "from" their kid for a birthday or fathers day or something when I was fairly new on the scene. It annoyed me at the time that he accepted it as I felt like it was from BM (sd was too young to buy it herself and I doubted she chose it). He felt like it was from sd and that he should keep it. It still anoys me somewhat and I still avoid using it for the most part, but that anger and resentment is no where near as strong as it was. 

BM's have a whole book of underhand (and not so subtle) tricks to play on you and your SO and you will probably experience most of them. They will sting you at the time, but you will move on and live your life and the stings will fade.

Hopefully the fact that your boyfriend is great at setting boundaries and enforcing them will mean that BM will get bored of pushing against them continually and give up for the most part. 

Monkeysee's picture

DH has a mug ‘from the kids’ that he got years ago as well. A while ago I ‘lost’ it in the back of a cupboard he never goes into & he hasn’t even noticed. I hated that mug, it was clearly from BM. I don’t feel a shred of guilt about it either! 

tog redux's picture

Yes, this - OMG, we would have laughed for hours at BM giving him a Valentine's Day gift.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

At least your SO handled it appropriately. Focus on that. A lot of the DH's referenced on this site would act grateful out of guilt or even relish the attention. Yours is doing much better than those and it's a good sign. 

Cooooookies's picture

You can't change crazy.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  If you're waiting for BM to magically become a logical, sane, appropriate person and parent, you will literally drive yourself insane.  Focus on the fact that her actions are not welcomed by your BF either and he tells her no and enforces boundaries.  THAT is the only thing that matters.

BM2 that I deal with has largely backed off but that took 8 years and me telling her a few times last year to go swivel.  I still monitor SS17's internet activity.  A message from BM2 popped up saying I hope Dad and Cookies have a nice Valentine's Day...your dad was always SO romantic.  I just burst out laughing.  DH is lovely and we love each other but Hallmark holidays mean nothing to us.  It's just another attempt for her to try and start a fight between us because she thinks I look at SS's internet for the sole purpose of spying on her.  Ya know, nothing to do with his inappropriate amount of porn watching or anything *eyeroll*

Anyway, just focus on the fact that your BF loves you, not her, and he handles it in the right way.  Smile

lieutenant_dad's picture

"Lowered expectations" is a motto that every SP should have if they are dealing with a crazy ex. My mental health improved greatly when I finally accepted that BM is just an eternal teenager, and expecting her to act any other way is foolish.

NeedCoffee's picture

I agree with what others have said on here so far.  The most important thing is how your SO handled it, and he set clear boundaries. Unfortunately, her actions are annoying and inappropriate and possibly manipulative, but try to allow your SO's correct response reassure you. His response is absolutely most important.

thinkthrice's picture

Are in for a very long and bumpy ride.

But as the others have mentioned your DH is handling it correctly and not oddly flattered as a good 80% all of our SOs would be

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Bf felt really bad that he had to tell me that she tried to give him a Valentine's Day gift because he knew how he would feel if roles were reversed and he would be pissed off and livid too. 

I did tell him if she tries to pull something like this again, I will say something because I will not allow someone to disrespect our relationship and me. He said he totally understands 

Survivingstephell's picture

The best message BM can get is from him.  Don't waste your time, she won't hear you but she will hear him eventually.  Seeing him be affectionate with you is like a knife in the heart.  Seeing your happy is another knife in the heart.  Going bullistic on her will only make her feel sorry for him, that he married such a B*&^%$.  

If you must communicate to her , share some "secret" about her life that only DH would have told you.  That kind of betrayal works wonders on a crazy BM.  BTDT (man did that piss her off knowing she had lost his loyality)   How would you feel knowing your beloved man was talking about you with his new woman??  Make BM feel that.  


tog redux's picture

Don't do that - do not give her the satisfaction of knowing she upset you. It's not your place to tell another woman to back off from your man - it's HIS place to tell her that, and he did.


Livingoutloud's picture

I don't think you should tell BM to back off your man. It never looks good when women are fighting for a place in a guy's life.

It makes you look insecure and jealous and him incapable or not caring about your relationship

Let your SO deal with it all on his own. He isn't a little boy. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

1. we are not fighting for a place in a guy's life. She is not in his life, I am. 

2. I don't think it makes me look insecure and jealous, but standing up for my relationship when BM is clearly making a dig at me thinking after my bf told BM that he regrets ever having anything to do with her and that he had moved on with someone else, now she is trying to give him a valentine's day gift? 

I know he isn't a little boy and he stood up to BM, but I am not about to let BM pull whatever stunts she wants to try to towards my man.

tog redux's picture

But - it does make you look insecure if you do that. It means you doubt that he will be loyal to you. She can disrespect your relationship all she wants, and you can't make it stop. Only HE can. If you are confident in his feelings towards you, then let it go and let him handle it. Unless you want to give her the exact reaction she's looking for, which is to know she upset you. 

Be classier than her.  Two women fighting over a man is very Jerry Springer.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

if the man has zero interest in her.

I have no doubt about his loyalty to me. I wish I was at that exchange honestly. Even though we have the signed papers, etc. I am not going to be present at any exchange until we get the final decree, but boy do I wish I was there this Sunday

Livingoutloud's picture

I didn't say that you fighting for him or that you are insecure. But it will appear as such. It will look that a grown man can't address things whth his ex and needs his girlfriend come to the rescue. It is not necessary. Plus it doesn't look classy.

But of course you are free to confront BM, I just don't think you should. When BM was causing problems, my DH took care of it. He didn't need me to jump in. But if he needed me to take care of it, I'd not want the kind of husband 

again it's your choice of course