Honestly gets a little tiring being told such advice then later told to throw the book out the window
Now I know many many of you disagree with what ended up being the custody agreement for SD. How bf agreed to have SD for only every spring break, 6 weeks every summer, and every other Christmas, for the agreement that bf can move out of state and in turn, allows BM to move out of state. I know many many of you disagreed with the fact that bf stuck to the CO for this summer and other than one 24 hour period, did not offer BM to see SD during bf's time when she did not move like she claimed and she had put in the CO. Now some of you probably disagree with the fact that bf may either chose to abide by the CO and allow BM to have SD except for the times outlined above as bf's time or if bf requests every other weekend vs. 50/50 until either bf or BM moves. Who knows if/when BM will move, but we leave May 2021.
In response to these grievances:
1. There is no guarantee BM would agree to 50/50 or even every other weekend since like on bf's time, it is BM's time, so she might not want to give up her time when bf did not
2. There has been many issues with child care with COVID that it could impact SD if bf loses half pay or all pay because we do not have any alternative care options for SD if day care were to close or if he is put on something out of town or overnight and I have to go out of town myself for my job
3. If bf were to include BM as a child care option for the event of day care closing, 24 hour duty or an out of town mission, then that puts us basically at the beginning of the custody battle of no set schedule, constant communication with BM
4. Plus for those of you who don't know or forget, the constant switch offs and communication with BM lead to a lot of drama, CPS threats, allegations, calls, etc. There is no good coming from more contact between BM and bf
5. Also for those who forget or don't know, the more communication with BM leads to more risk of bf seeing BM's older child that she ripped away from bf as well as more times for BM to mention said child to bf or claim he rejected the child, etc. which is EXACTLY what BM does each and every time she gets opportunities for more contact.
6. It benefits SD for bf to move out of VA and to move where we will be to be able to provide better for SD due to a job opportunity. Actually not even just for bf, there are more job opportunities for me out there as well
7. BM never asked to see SD more than (1) time around SD's birthday even though she has been here all summer. She brought it up in May before bf's time to which bf did not say no, but said we will see when it gets closer as it is my time. BM never brought it up again
8. If BM did not agree to any additional time while she is still living here which means go in front of a judge. Which the judge less than a year ago ruled he did not want to separate the sisters so he would not give bf more than every other weekend if it went to trial
Meanwhile for the past two years:
BF has:
1. Put firm boundaries in place
2. Followed the CO to a T
WHICH IS ALL RECOMMENDED BY PEOPLE HERE CONSTANTLY to put up boundaries and follow the court order totally and completely. Then regardless we end up being the bad guys because we aren't throwing the book out the window to satisfy the short term or what other people think is best for everyone in the situation.
Needless to say, I will be leaving this site until something comes up that I do need legit advice about in regards to step life or to provide an update down the road. The schedule of 50/50 or living in the same state does not benefit everyone's situation. Everyone's situations are different, I know, but I at least thought some people here could understand why it does not benefit anyone in our situation to be in the same state or to have 50/50. There has been a lot of pain and stress that it is healthier for everyone, SD especially to have removed from their lives. If this was such a horrible thing then judges would never sign off on allowing either of the parents to every live more than a couple hours drive maximum from each other because of the damage it would cause to have extended periods without the other.
I have learned a lot and gotten some great advice which has been helpful. My bf respects me and our relationship, he has put boundaries up with his ex, he tries to make a good life and role model for SD without making his life revolve around her at the same time. We will continue to document until we have enough to make a case for more time and are in a better position to accommodate the more time as well. There has been and will be battles lost, but the goal is to win the war and that is what bf and I plan to do. I am happy for those who have not been put in the same position as us and do not have those extra things to think about such as BM's oldest and running into her or hearing about her, etc. In short, I am not learning anything at this point in time that is beneficial to my life so I will be focusing my attention elsewhere. So thanks ST, until next time.
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What some of us like or
What some of us like or dislike or agree with or disagree with doesn't matter in real life. You are the one living this experience and you guys have to do what it right for you. You are 9 months from moving and don't want to deal with court costs for something that will go right back to this order during that time- I get it. You can see if she will agree verbally to more time and just know you are going to be jerked around during that time or just stick to what you have in writting. Just do what feels right for you guys.
Exactly. To be honest,
Exactly. To be honest, everyone has been much happier with the least possible contact and exchanges. You can tell SD is happier because kids do pick up on the tension and stress associated with custody swaps. Bf and I are happier because we don’t feel like BM is invading our lives or our home. Divorce is done, custody battle is done, and in the military’s system he is also officially divorced, after 2 years (well 2 years for me, 2.5 for bf), we are not in a rush to pick another battle to fight that is just for a short term period in any way. I have learned A LOT from this site for current issues as well as for future possibilities and I am thankful for that. I hope things for your mom get better!
Thank you *air_kiss*
Thank you *air_kiss*
Feeling defensive? That's OK
Feeling defensive? That's OK. I always say as a SM you have to to do what works for you, because every time you do something, there will be at least one person there telling you it was wrong.
Do what works for you, I was
Do what works for you, I was the only one who disagreed in the other blog. It just seems odd to me that last year, you two were convinced you should get full custody because BM is so awful, and now you are fine with every other weekend when she lives down the road. But again - you guys need to do what works out best for you.
Also to me, yes, you follow the CO to the letter when it makes sense. Having a long-distance NCP schedule for a kid who lives nearby doesn't make sense, and IMO, should be changed to reflect that BM didn't move. But if you guys want to not see her until Spring, then that's what's best for you.
Yes, but
In the blog regarding BM seeing SD during bf’s summertime, you and others had disagreed, I was referring to that and the last blog. I do believe we should get full custody still, but that is not going to happen, BM will not agree to it and the court will not grant it. Bf’s work would be more willing to be flexible if bf had full custody, but as he does not, it is becoming a major issue and would continue to be so since they have a copy of his CO that outlines he does not get her again till Spring Break while he is finishing out his contract. We cannot afford for bf to lose pay for a temporary schedule. Emotionally for bf, SD, and myself, we cannot afford to have the constant contact with BM either, it would be like going backwards and re-inviting in the pain from the loss of BM’s older child all over again by risking contact or discussion, etc.
Don’t get me wrong if when we talk to SD and we find out BM’s older child is hurting SD again, we are going to take action and in which case bf’s work would have to work with him as it is in the marine corps order about such things. We will not idly stand by if it is causing direct harm to SD, but until there is a change in circumstances where we actually have a case in the court or we are more in a position to accommodate more changes, we will 100% fight for that. However, at this point in time it is not in the best interest of anyone really and bf already agreed to this schedule like BM agreed to the whole summer without SD. Yes, we live 20 mins from BM right now, but all summer it has not hurt SD being that close and not seeing BM and I know you think SD knows her mom is that close, she really doesn’t.
It has nothing to do with not wanting to see her until Spring. I know from your perspective it may appear as it is that simple, that ultimately we must not want to see SD that is why we are not trying to fight for 50/50 until BM moves or until we move in 9 months. It is not that at all. After 2+ years of fighting, drama, emotional turmoil, stress, false allegations, etc. we are not opening any of us back up into that for a maximum 9 month solution. It is ultimately what is best for everyone. Like I said, everyone's situation is different and I apologize for using this cop out, but you simply cannot understand because you did not go through what we went through. We are not bad people for possibly following the CO/agreement and not letting back in all the crazy and drama we just went through.
Plenty of people agreed you
Plenty of people agreed you should keep her all summer, and lots of people will agree that you should stick to the schedule and not see her until Spring. So you guys do what's best for you. It's not what I would do, but it's not my life.
What BF and OP want and what
What BF and OP want and what is feasible are two totally different things. You of all people should know that, and I'm surprised that you would advocate for BF to fight BM on this given how she is manipulative, a liar, and can't/won't follow basic instructions (like "call before you show up" and not just showing up).
I think this is a situation of an OP and het BF who put up boundaries right away, so it seems like overkill when it's not. Christ, the BM in this situation lied about the paternity of the eldest child only to rip her away when the lie became inconvenient. You don't negotiate with that, even if it's heartbreaking and the consequence seems illogical (i.e. BF not seeing his daughter for 9 months even though she lives up the road).
It's a crap deal any way you slice it. The courts weren't going to give Dad full custody, even if he deserved it. Now Dad has to play the long game, which means he's going to lose some. This is a loss. It sucks, but until courts start holding parents, particularly mothers, accountable, these are the crap decisions fathers have to make.
And you KNOW this since your DH gave up visitation with his own son for several years due to alienation. You KNOW it's not as simple as "ask and ye shall receive". Don't hold OP and her BF to a higher standard when you and your DH (rightfully) washed your own hands, especially when you recognized that you should have done it sooner.
It's not "best". It's what's best given the crap situation. BIG difference.
Thank you!
Just because BM is playing by the CO and not causing drama right now, does not mean BM is all of a sudden a reasonable individual who is concerned with what is best for SD. Only reason there have not been any issues for the past 3 months really is because there has been 1 exchange, less than 10 phone calls, and hardly any opportunity for contact to even cause issues. Trying to get more time just opens up a can of worms we are not ready for when it just closed especially when we are leaving in 9 months.
I would not say my bf is healed from the situation of BM's older child by far, but my bf has been moving forward and healing and I am not going to welcome opportunities for BM to throw the child in his face anymore than she has. Hell just in May she wasn't getting her way and brought her back up and how bf "rejected" the child, etc.
We are exactly playing the long game and biding our time till it can work in SD's favor as well as ours, with the least possibility of emotional, financial, and physical harm to those who matter in the situation. Unfortunately, right now just simply is not that time. We are doing the best that we can at the present moment and trying to not make more of a mess for SD. Especially when they separated before the child was even 2 and she's just 4, so more than half of her life has been chaotic and I think a routine and adjusting to for at least the next few years what is "normal" is good for her, not every 6 months it is a different custody schedule which is never the same like it has been.
Sorry, but my situation was
Sorry, but my situation was vastly different. She is living in the same town with a small child and wants to not see the kid until spring, without even trying to get the schedule changed.
We fought for years in court and gave up when an alienated 15-year-old refused to come over. Apples and oranges. This little girl wants to see her father.
They aren't even willing to approach the court and ask for a change in schedule. It could be done pro se and if they are told no, then fine. They are going to willingly not see this 4 yo for 6 months rather than even try it once in court. That's not what we would have done in the same situation.
But they need to do what's best for them, obviously. They clearly see this as the best option, or they wouldn't be doing it.
Honestly
you really don't understand it has nothing to do with "want." Part of me wishes for a day you could be in my bf's shoes on everything that has happened and then see how you would feel. I could GURANTEE you would feel differently.
SD has never once brought up BM since we have had her since June 1. I doubt she brings up her dad when at BM's house either. Unfortunately for this child, not seeing the other parent for extended periods of time is this child's normal. She does not know any different. She was 1.5 years old when they split and even then bf and BM had separate rooms.
It has nothing to do with want and it is very clear you cannot grasp that
I guarantee you I would not
I guarantee you I would not feel differently. But you do you.
If I remember correctly, they
If I remember correctly, they spent TWO YEARS in court. Dad had majority custody up until about a year ago. This was the best deal he could get IN SPITE OF 1) BM lying about paternity, 2) BM having been mostly AWOL the year prior, 3) BM removing BF from the elder girl's life, 4) BM trying to claim property that wasn't hers in the divorce, and 5) BM having already played games with custody of SD.
It took your DH years to figure out that court wasn't going to favor him. It took my DH one time. It took her BF one time. When all the evidence points to "BM shouldn't have custody" and the court just waves their hand at it, you'd be stupid to continue to have faith that they'll do it right.
And it IS a contradictory message that this board sends to new members if they say "don't spend time, money, and energy with the courts", and when a member follows that advice, they get ridiculed for that.
Also remember that this CO just went into effect, what, 6 months ago? No judge is going to be happy with BF coming back to court already. And BM is certain to ramp up her crazy being dragged back into all this.
It's not a good deal, but that's not BF's fault. It's BM's fault for not being a good person or good co-parent. Let's not further victimize the people who get screwed over by these shrewd women. BM has the power to make this not an issue, and she won't or she would have done it 6 months ago.
No court is going to tell him
No court is going to tell him he has to stay with a long-distance NCP schedule when it's BM who didn't move when planned.
But they don't want to deal with BM, so are willing to not see the kid, who lives 10 minutes away for 6 months.
That's fine, if that's what they want. We didn't give up time with SS to avoid dealing with BM, so please don't compare it to my situation again. I dealt with BM at every freaking sports game and concert and court date.
I'm not victimizing anyone, that's ridiculous. I simply don't agree with her. I'm not sure when disagreement became "victimizing" someone.
"No court is going to tell
"No court is going to tell him he has to stay with a long-distance NCP schedule when it's BM who didn't move when planned."
Really? You don't think courts would do that?! Hell, we have courts around here that allowed a mother that had 50/50 custody and a CO stating both parents had to live in the same school district to move out of town with her kids AND DIDN'T BALK WHEN HER ON PAROLE, SEX OFFENDER BOYFRIEND moved in, despite having CPS already involved because the BF had left bruises on one of the kids. So yeah, my faith in the court system, in general, is shaky on a good day. When you add in the layer of military, the courts DO NOT care.
And I'm going to make comparisons where they are appropriate. Your DH was tired, so he stopped. Her BF is tired, and hurt, and grieving the loss of a child (much like your DH), but he's not willing to put years and years into fighting it. It's fine that your DH did, but it's also fine for OP's BF to say that he can't, especially if he's going to be sent out of state on orders ASAP. My DH ran into that, too, and him being away only helped BM in their divorce because she could show how he "wasn't there".
OK, I don't know exactly what
OK, I don't know exactly what your problem is, or why my agreement is so important here. I've only said 10 times that she should do what she thinks is best for her.
Here goes: OP- you are making a wonderful decision and the only one possible. Enjoy your peace and quiet. Everyone else would make the exact same decision, it is a perfect one.
I'm out.
I think
The point lieutenantdad was simply trying to make is that there are other factors that must be considered and it isn't as cut and dry as you're making it out to be. Like I had said everyone situations are different and it is not fair to make it appear so black and white. Especially when certain ideals are consistently pushed then very misleading when being told to essentially throw these guidelines out the window that have been pushed so hard simply because it's a decision you wouldn't make and couldn't even comprehend to make.
Plus you make it seem like it's been a few months and we simply just don't want to deal with BM so we are giving up on SD. The custody battle went on for two years. We aren't giving up, just biding time and such until we have a chance and it can actually make a difference
You do whatever you want to
You do whatever you want to do - it affects me not one bit. For me, the goal was not to get rid of BM in my life at all costs, but for others, it might be.
I'm not making it cut and dry, YOU are. You want to "follow the CO", (which by the way, asking for EOWE isn't following the CO) because that means no BM for 6 months and you want that peace and quiet. DO IT. Go for it. But I think if you felt good about that decision, you wouldn't be getting so defensive about one person disagreeing with you.
And I think the most important question is whether or not your BF is okay with living 10 minutes from his daughter and not seeing her until Spring.
That is not my goal either
No matter how much I wish BM did not exist that is not my goal. No matter what BM will be around and always be SD's mom. However, bf and I do to some extent have control on the amount of toxicity and influence Bm has in our lives.
In the court order says the parties can agree on temporary modifications, so technically asking for eowe does follow the court order.
Seems you are under the impression I am pushing for Bf to feel this way or decide this. When in reality it was actually bf who brought it up and is the driver of this decision. Not me. Yeah, I don't want to invite any drama, legal, or allegations from Bm into our lives when the boundaries and the legal being done limits all of that to be nonexistent, but it isn't simply because it would be nice for Bm to disappear it is much more than that and it is very clear you really cannot understand and it's not your fault because you haven't been in this situation. Please stop trying to make BM closer than she is. She lives 20 minutes away as I have stated not five miles or ten minutes.
Great, sounds like you guys
Great, sounds like you guys have it worked out. Best wishes.
All statements are true
That you just said.
Let's also not forget there have been 6 false allegations by BM to the police, false allegations to FAP (military organization), her coaching the child that wasn't bf's to say that bf spanks her with a golden spoon when we don't even own a golden spoon, her trying to blackmail bf several times for money, etc.
If BM agreed there would ultimately be consequences in the form of drama, manipulation, etc. If BM was fine with 50/50 when the agreement was made until someone moves she would of agreed, not refused to agree to that like she did. if we went to court we wouldn't win and yeah the judge would probably be pretty irritated that he is back in court.
Anyone would be insane to desire to welcome all that back when the legal stuff just ended the very end of May.
EDIT: if the judge agreed he wouldn't give bf 50/50 he NEVER was going to give him 50/50. At most he said he would give him every other weekend which is what I said might be a good solution for us with everything.
I was also told no court would ever agree to taking away a child from a man who was presumed to be the father for years and wanted to be in the child's life, but look what happened there. Just like being told no way a judge would favor the BM's infidelity to make her win more parenting time either. Oh that also happened.
There is no one size fits all
There is no one size fits all when it comes to Steplife. Something that works one week may not work the next week. Best advice I can give you is assess and evaluate as you go along. Do the best you can supporting your DH in what he's able to do. It's understandable to get discouraged by advice on here especially if it feels attacking, but don't assume it to be attacking. Sometimes different perspectives sting, but it doesn't mean they aren't trying to help.
And sometimes it is a
And sometimes it is a question of "how far in" a SM is too. A younger SM who has been married for a few years to a man with children of his own that have not yet reached the teenage years, may have far different opinions than a more experienced SM, who went through being with her DH and SKs for 10+ years or so, through the teen years and into adulthood.
I can tell you from being on this site for a while, Tog Redux has plenty of experience and good insight. Heck, all of us old timers do. But I know I've been a SM for so long, I've forgotten what it is like to just be in it, with all of that drive and hope and trying to make things work. I know I can be curt sometimes. Yet, I just have to say. . . it bugs me when some new SM comes on this site (not referring to the OP here; just venting) only a couple of years in and acts like they have it all figured out--just love 'em!--or such. What an insult to us well experienced SMs who have been to step hell and back and forth to imply that it is so-o-o easy, and what a dunce we must all be for not seeing that sooner!! (I figure, they’ll be back in a few years to Steptalk, worse for wear.)
Nonetheless, even in this millennial age, experience should carry a lot of weight. No matter what advise us "oldies" may give, it always comes from a place in our heart where we are trying to prevent another SM from going through the same H- we went through, albeit sometimes it may come across as too strong or scolding or __?
And, for me, if I were a SM, sheesh!, if anyone even remotely showed me any kind of validation, I’d be kissing the computer screen. Cripes! There are such horrible things that happen to SMs out there, and they get so little validation anywhere. It is F-ing unbelievable what some of these SMs are expected to put up with!!
I’ll admit
When I first got on this site and new to my bf's situation. I was so sure that there was no way that a judge would disestablish paternity rights from a man who had presumed for years the child was his and wanted to be in the child's life, etc. I thought there was no way a judge would say BM should have more custody because BM had an affair, took the presumed father's rights away, that because he doesn't want to separate the sisters who are half sisters especially when the man had majority custody for 1.5 years, never been arrested for drugs like Bm had, had a stable job, evicted from military base because of drug arrest, etc. I thought there is no way a judge would allow this let alone be the one thinking that is the right thing to do and the best interest for the child or children.
Well after a few months, lawyers, hearing, and pretrial, I learned that since bf is a man and especially a man in the military that he would never be favored over BM unless she does a long laundry list of things and even then, may never be favored.
So I will raise my hand in being naive in thinking family court is remotely just.
Welcome to the world of
Welcome to the world of minimal contact with a crazy BM. I remember when mine died down then eventually ended with skids aging out. It really is for the best and hopefully this break you are getting will lead to better days in the future. There's a lot to be said for clearing out the toxicity in your life. It allows for new growth and maybe a second chance at a better situation for DH and SD. Best of luck to you.
Oh, yes, "Since bf is a man
Oh, yes, "Since bf is a man and especially a man in the military that he would never be favored over BM unless she does a long laundry list of things and even then, may never be favored."
No reason to apologize for being naive. We've all been there. I thought I did say I was not referring to you in my post above. Peace to all.
Oh you did!
I'm just pointing out that I myself, have been guilty of being naive to family court and thinking I knew better when I didn't!
I never realized that getting
I never realized that getting divorced would introduce me to the failures of family court. I thought truth and fairness existed there. How wrong I was. I think a lot of us around here were blindsided by it.