You are here

Genetic Testing, "sexual abuse," and a delusional BM

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So where to start, there is so much and I am just so mind blown right now. So, my bf goes to Lab Core today to get the paternity testing done this afternoon. Last night my bf texted BM about pick up this morning and this morning we wake up to a text from BM saying that the older child is on three medications and that when he comes to pick them up that BM and my bf need to talk about the oldest’s health. Which is the child she is taking his rights away to so we were both like wtf. So he goes to pick them up, afterwards, he calls me to fill me in on the details at pick up.

So BM says the oldest's counselor says that she is displaying signs of sexual abuse, apparently humping and attraction to men (humping men's legs) and goes on to say I am not accusing you of anything, but just letting you know. Then she goes on and says well I know about the person you're seeing and started to basically accuse me and my bf did not even let her finish her statement and flipped out on her for even alluding to either of us doing anything like that. A long time ago, my bf told me how the oldest when she like 2 would hump the cart when sitting in it. Also, in my bf's care the only man's lap either child sits on is my bf and she does not hump his leg or anything. We know BM had random roommates, some men and she had several bf's or fuck buddies or whatever in the 1.5+ and stayed in the same bedroom as BM and her men...so what man's lap are you letting the child sit on?! .... Then BM starts saying how the oldest is going to see these other therapists, etc. and my bf said oh so that is why you called my command looking for money? If you would try and get the divorce and custody done, then you would get money, but you're not getting any until then.

Then BM starts going on about how come we have to let the judge decide? Why can't we work it out amongst ourselves. B**** you have had PLENTY of opportunities to do so. You just are desperate now because you realize how f***ed you are in this situation. She also doesn't realize the damage she has done is irreversible at this point about the older child. My bf pointed out to her this morning how come this hearing on October 15, she is getting what she wants and taking his rights away, but then she will be responsible for everything for this child's care. 

So he leaves there, then screenshots texts she sent him afterwards saying how she thought he would care about what is going on with the oldest's health and how she just wants "not to be lied to. Paternity testing I was forced into by you. Health care is not a problem if your not willing to be financially a part of her life. " ............... like are you f***ing dumb? Why would he be financially a part of her life?!?!?! Like I told my bf about two months ago now, I think she really thinks even after she takes your rights away as a father to the child that you will still act as dad to her. Well guess what sweetie, that is not remotely going to happen, she made her bed and now it is time for her to lie in it.

Anyways, so that is my Monday morning. BTW of course I hope the child is not being sexually abused at BM's house or under her care or anything like that. All I am saying is the audacity to accuse my bf and me of anything like that, but she has random men around the child. 

 

 

Comments

Daisymazy2's picture

BE CAREFUL!!!!  BM is more than likely will  going to accuse one of you of sexual abuse. Do not take this lightly. Be prepared for a crazy show from her.  

Every BM that I have known has played the sexual abuse card in some form when they feel their back is against the wall.  Don't trust her and don't trust the child to tell the truth.  Even if it is unfounded there is still a long investigation that could keep your BF from his daughter while it is being investigated.  

Hopefully, it isn't a threat on BM's part and hopefully, the child isn't being abused.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

BM would need something more than the counselor saying she is showing signs of sexual abuse to actually make an accusation through CPS or somewhere else. We don't trust her or the child, especially after the child has said such wild shit in the past. My bf also since the whole CPS ordeal in July refuses to engage in anything that could lead to it being twisted into something it is not. I.E. Not kissing the children on the lips when putting them to bed (I wasn't a fan of this anyway especially because BM probably kisses them on the lips), etc. 

I hope she is not being abused either

Daisymazy2's picture

to tell the therapist that you or your BF abused her and the therapist has to call CPS.  Once there is an investigation, your BF will not be allowed around his daughter.  BM's love to play this card.   I personally, wouldn't take this lightly.   Hopefully, BM was just making a statement to your BF and doesn't intend to try to say that he is responsible in some form or another.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Please do not underestimate what damage a sexual abuse allegation can have.  Our BM accused my DD of molesting SD.  My DD is 7 years younger than SD.  CPS still had to investigate the claims.  Actual detectives had to talk to all of our kids, their teachers, and my DH's mother.  Even though the claims were obviously bogus, the cops are required by law to investigate. They told my DH that if the accusations had been about an adult, they would have removed the kids from that person's care and apprehended the person to investigate.  This is before there was any proof.  Trust me, sexual abuse allegations can ruin your life.  In those situations, authorities act first and ask questions later. 

 

Your SO and you need to be careful.  Please take some time to read about other people whose lives have been destroyed by false sexual abuse claims.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

there is literally nothing that can be done right now. Especially since it isn't a claim yet the counselor is saying that she shows symptoms of it, but no accusations have offically been made. Only precaution I am going to urge my bf to take is to stop taking the child especially when he will no longer see her soon anyway.

STaround's picture

Sex abuse by an unrelated man in the mom's house is by FAR the most likely answer, if the child is being abused.  By FAR, and i would hope the conselor knows this

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

BM would share the information regarding who her counselor is and since the hearing on October 15 will take his rights away from the child, there is no point to even bringing it up in court. I agree, but I doubt BM would tell the counselor that there have been numerous unrelated men around the children

justmakingthebest's picture

My fear is that she is going to pin this on your BF and get both kids taken away, not just the oldest. Even raising suspicions can be detrimental to his case. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

but there are things in BM's family's past that my bf will bring up in that case that would change the tides on that one. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If your BF has a lawyer, he needs to let him know about the SA allegation. If she thinks SD has been abused, then DCS needs to be called. 

BM is going to escalate this because she only cares about hurting your BF emotionally. She will tell his commanding officer that she thinks you are abusing SD. Your BF needs to get in front of that allegation ASAP.

Also, no more spoken word communication. Email and/or text ONLY. I'd also not take the oldest anymore. And all exchanges need to be in a public place, like a gas station or police station. It's not going to take much for BM to accuse BF of raping or assaulting her.

She is dangerous to him right now. She knows she is about to lose everything, and if SD has been abused (it sounds more like she is doing what toddlers do and needs to be taught about masturbating in private), it's her fault. Her world is falling apart, and she's going to take BF down with her.

He has to stop being nice. She is a liar. A KNOWN liar. He HAS to be an arsehole right now or he's going to lose everything.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

to tell him what BM said this morning and also asking him what he advises him to do. They have only been having written communication since July, he has been refusing an in person conversation with her since then. However, when putting the kids in his truck brought up the sexual abuse symptons the counselor said and he didn't want to drive away without addressing it.

He is asking his lawyer about taking the oldest too. 

He has not been playing nice and definitely won't be. His playing nice ended months and months ago.

Thanks for the advice though!

notarelative's picture

So BM says the oldest's counselor says that she is displaying signs of sexual abuse, apparently humping and attraction to men (humping men's legs)

First, if the counselor suspects sexual abuse, in most places, the counselor is a mandated reporter. So if abuse is actually suspected, expect a visit from child services. 

Second, if this is a counselor, I doubt the child is describing this behavior to the counselor. BM has to be supplying the description. 

Be careful. BM as an agenda. DH needs to listen to his lawyer. This can escalate quickly.

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

that they would have to report it.

Oh definitely is not. Plus there is no men with the counselor, BM and the children to observe this behavior happening.

I'll definitely tell him not to take his lawyer's advice lightly. I am happy he reached out to him right after it happened so that the lawyer is informed and can give advice before it is too late

Felicity0224's picture

This is what I was going to say. No real counselor/therapist would have that conversation with BM and then not report it. If this really happened, then you need to assume a report has already been made. It seems more likely that BM is full of it and just trying to stir the pot, BUT the fact that the thought has entered her mind makes her more dangerous than she was before. I wouldn't advise that either of you be alone with the kids anytime soon. Maybe even invest in a nannycam or two so you can defend yourselves if it becomes necessary.

tog redux's picture

I'd suggest he not take the oldest anymore at this point - I know that will break her heart, but if he truly believes he will have no rights to her come October 15, there is no point prolonging it, especially when BM is making false allegations. 

Ugh, this stuff can get really bad.  I'm not clear how allegations of abuse would help her though, since all she has to do is request he be stripped of his rights. Sounds more like she's looking for something to hook him back in.

 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and highlighted my concern of these allegations and he asked his lawyer about it. So we are really just waiting on hearing back from the lawyer at this point. I totally agree and while it is sad for everyone there is no benefit to prolog the inevitable. My bf is convinced once his rights are taken from the child that BM will bring the oldest out while they exchange the youngest, etc. Which is totally despicable but I can see her doing.

I do not know how it will help either, other than her maybe thinking it'll stall any temporary custody being awarded? ... I think until today when he basically flat out told her the facts of what is going to happen once the hearing happens the 15th that she really believed he was going to play daddy forever or until she finds her a new daddy because he cares for her. However, my bf is not going to do that. So she's in for a rude awakening. She clearly thought he would financially help out with the child based on her texts today after she takes his rights away. I swear she's an idiot.

 

tog redux's picture

She's just operating from the same manual all of these high conflict BMs have. Do whatever you have to do to keep control. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and report her and her strange men folk? Does she even know who her child’s real father is ?

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

he put in the email to his lawyer that it has never happened in his care but pointed out about BM's strange and unrelated men around. So we will see what he says. She claims she was "raped" (again, I am not saying it does not happen and I am sympathetic for victims of this despicable act, but her story she tells years later after he filed divorce and said the kid wasn't his do not add up and she told two different stories, etc. many reasons it is not believable and it disgusts me because there are real victims and these fake victims take away from those who have actually been raped).

In my opinion, I have two theories, she really does not know who the dad is or she does know, but doesn't think that individual would be a good dad or support the child or whatever, so she chose to go with my bf being the dad at the time because he was a better option.

Winterglow's picture

Could the bio father be one of your dh's friends or someone in his family? I suppose the genetic testing would show up a family member.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

if it could be a friend, definitely not a family member. My bf did a dna test a year ago where you send hair in and he got 0% match, so it would of said some percentage if it was a family member

Harry's picture

Her back is against the wall.  With DNA testing being done, her CS for oldest will stop, she will have oldest 24/7.  And may have to get a JOB .  So she using anything or doing anything she can to stop this testing. 

You just have to be careful, really careful.  Do not take oldest anymore ,  you can not have her in your home. You can not be alone with oldest,  both of you together is still alone.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

she already took the oldest to get her tested and now my bf is getting tested today. She flat out knew she was not getting child support for the child once she started this process. She has a job, part time I believe that does not pay much. There is no going back on the testing now. She wanted the child all to herself in terms of legality, but I don't think she considered that it meant his involvement was going to stop completely too.

Well she is not in my home, she is at my bf's, but I think he should stop taking her too. You're saying my bf and me together is alone? That doesn't make sense

tog redux's picture

I actually think she was bluffing, and thought your SO would give in and give her what she wanted in order to keep seeing the oldest girl.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

But then he did not give in to her and it was already all in motion in the courts. Now she is realizing that he is not going to let his emotions stop this from happening. Sucks to suck. Unfortunately, as I have said before, in the end I think this is the best for everyone emotionally. BM is okay playing emotional games with the child and I don't forsee that ever stopping

bananaseedo's picture

And YES- I think BM has chosen this particular SD to play the games with-she will use her as a pawn from here on out with whomever she can, including if she locates the real father (god bless him and the future SM if there is one for this to appear on their door years later).  This will cause sd to have SO many issues and would have been HELL having her as part of your lives. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

and oh BM already did a number on her and she isn't even 5 yet. I feel bad, but her behavior especially after she spent a solid month with only BM has just intensified. In general she is a child that you need to keep your eye on 24/7 and needs adequate discipline and structure. BM is not that way she is a lalalala eh they are kids do whatever you want sort of parent. So sadly, but for the best interest of also having children in the future with bf, it is better to not have that influence around. This sort of emotional games is not going to make things any better for her either.

As I told my bf though, you did more than most men would have in your shoes and you have to accept you tried your best, it was not your fault or mistake that lead to this and accept that.

bananaseedo's picture

Yeah, I think she was bluffing too....that said I think your DH is making the right decision for him and his family.  And the SD has the right to know her father and build a bond with him.  BM's like this should be shot or imprisoned and lose all rights to their children.  Paternity fraud is one of the worst things women can do (other then false rape allegations) IMO.  We lived it-except nothing was ever done about it....SD doesn't know, BM doesn't know DH knows.  I wish he would have made the choice your DH made way back then TBH. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

At first I really thought she couldn't take his rights away, then after a few lawyers and the proper research finally figured out it was totally possible. Then after BM started essentially bragging that the oldest wasn't his, calling him a "step dad" in court, the child asking my bf who her daddy was, etc. it became apparent that BM would always play this game and the people it hurt the most was 1. the child 2. my bf. So I had a very honest conversation with him about and he realized that it is not his fault nor his obligation and it was best for everyone to lose custody to her. It is very sad but true.

The shitty part too is 1.5+ years ago he could of went this path, but at that point he didn't want to lose her, so bright side is at least he tried the harder route and it ended up the same, but he won't be wondering what if I had done x,y, and z. So lots of money, time, and energy later and it is basically the same. BM showed her true colors and now she is going to face the consequences of her actions.

I am sorry that happened to your DH. I agree with you 100% it is horrible that women can get away with it and it's no big deal. 

tog redux's picture

I'd be shocked if she doesn't find a way to either drop this genetic testing, or is able to go to court and say, I changed my mind, I want him to be the legal father - and then your DH will not have any choice. These women seem to be able to manipulate the system so well.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

that she can't once the test is taken, even if she wanted to before the test was taken it would be hard for her to do so. Plus the results go to both lawyers and it states in Virginia law that once the test proves the man is not the biological father, the judge will remove the rights and order the birth certificate to be changed, etc.

tog redux's picture

For your sake, I hope so - seems like Family Court judges play fast and loose with the law.

I've also told my DH repeatedly that he's done way more than most men would have done - and hopefully some day SS19 will appreciate that. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

when my bf asked him when the test was ordered if there was anything to be done about it and he said it would be down the road and at another court, otherwise what is done is done.