Follow up to last week's post
So last Friday I had posted a blog regarding ear piercing and legal custody. I should of started my post stating the purpose of the post to begin with. Unless SD is being hurt, neglected, etc. that DH and I felt an emergency change of custody hearing was necessary, DH and I do not plan on going back to court any time soon. The only thing I will say is if BM was not allowing DH to see SD on his time that is outlined in their CO, then we would also file contempt against her, but again not to try and flip custody. From what I have seen on here and what we have heard from people we know or come across in the last few years, DH and I will not step foot back in a court room to try and change custody unless we think we actually have a chance. Not like a maybe, but have lots of documentation supporting it is in SD's best interest and if it isn't until she is older, then if she actually wants to live with us.
So the purpose of my post last week was for me to make sure that it was something that pertains to legal custody before we said something to BM in the court approved app. Even if it is something small, we want to have documented proof in the court approved app that BM is not following the court order, that BM knows she is not following the court order, and shows our several times asking BM to please read the CO. That way if we do step in a court room then we have all these instances of BM not following it and being well aware it is not being followed, but ultimately her not caring. Like others told me before, just keep documenting and documenting that way in case the day does arise, we have proof.
Honestly, DH and I don't care that SD got her ears pierced. It is frustrating that BM said "well it was something SD has been wanting for 2 years," when we have never heard a word about it from either SD or BM. If BM just messaged and said "I was thinking of letting SD get her ears pierced" then DH would of been like okay. It is the fact that BM acts as if she has sole legal custody and can make whatever decision she wants in regards to SD on not just this, but school, etc. and that is not the case, DH does have a say. So we just wanted to remind BM that hey, DH has 50% legal custody and you can't just make whatever decisions you want, you need to actually communicate with DH on such matters. BM did not even mention it to DH that SD got them pierced, instead the 4 year old tells us.
Also, this is something petty that annoys us, but BM said that SD got ballet earrings because she loves dance. Let me tell you something with 100% certainty, SD does NOT love dance, SD's sister loves dance. Maybe SD wanted them because her sister likes to dance, but it gets frustrating when BM tries to go on about how much SD loves dance and that is why she is also in dance class, but it is the older sister who loves it. Just seems like SD when over at BM's doesn't get the chance for her own interests, etc. because it is always doing what BM's older child wants to do or likes. Again, could be SD following her sister, but we have asked SD if she wanted us to put on her favorite music for her to dance and she 9 out of 10 times says no she doesn't want to. DH and I ask SD how dance is or if she likes it and she says "I don't like dance that much." Other petty thing about the whole thing is that BM pierced SD's ears exactly a week before we get SD for 12 days. BM has had SD for months without us getting visitation time, but now right before we get SD now she wants to pierce the child's ears. Just partly feels like BM wanted to do it that way so we have to do all the cleaning, etc. that comes along with a new piercing. Some people may think I am really just being petty now, but if you know about the BM in my situation you would know she doesn't just do things without a motivation.
Anyways to sum up this blog, I just want people to know that DH and I are not naive, we would never try and have something so trival be a reason to go to court or try and change custody, etc. A judge is not going to care about this instance, but a judge might care if there are 20 instances of BM disregarding the CO and even admitting to it in the court approved app. Even then the judge may still side with BM, but either way we aren't even attempting any switch of custody until we have our pistols loaded (speaking figuratively).
**Edit: as LT_dad said, the purpose of my post last Friday and saying anything to BM was to document a possible start of a pattern of behavior of BM acting as if she has sole legal decision making, not following the CO, and not consulting DH. We are not trying to start any court/custody battle off of this, but just being proactive and addressing BM on the issue now so if it becomes a pattern of behavior we have documentation to back it up if BM does anything major without consulting DH.
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I think it would be totally
I think it would be totally appropriate for DH to send a message in the chat saying "hey, since we have joint legal custody per the CO, please consult with me before doing any permanent body modification on SD in the future." It shows that DH wants to be consulted and that BM didn't consult him. My guess is that Older Child wanted her ears pierced (if they weren't already) or got a new pair of earrings, and SD just got them done at a Claire's on a whim. It could be malicious on BM's part, but this sounds more like your BM trying to be "fun mom" for both the girls and forgetting that one of them has an active father who has a legal say. Remind her of that.
Regarding dance, yeah, I get the irritation. ET put the boys in random activities saying they wanted to participate, and really ET just needed/wanted something to be involved in (or, OSS liked something, so YSS got dragged into it). It's annoying, but it will come back to bite her when SD one day loses it on her and tells her how she's not her sister and hates it ("just like I hate you, Mom!" in the most shrill teen angst voice). Not a lot you can do other than letting her be involved in things she likes when she's with you all (and as she gets older, empowering her to speak up for herself).
That is what we ended up doing on Friday
after I turned off comments off the blog post. We sent BM a message telling her that DH has 50% legal custody and any body modification falls under the category of legal custody and she must discuss such matters with DH, not just making the choices she wants on her own. BM then asked if DH would be against it and we didn't tell her it would of been fine. Instead we just told her "it is besides the point now, but moving forward DH needs to be consulted because he has a say too. We also told BM to look up what legal custody means if there is any confusion on her end. LOL. Bottom line, it is all recorded in the court approved app, we notified BM that DH has a say too, and we did our part.
I think you are totally right. BM has this other child she doesn't need to consult with anyone about unless she figured out who the child's dad is and involved him in the child's life, BUT her younger daughter SD, does have a dad that does have a say. BM of course tried to say that "well you want to keep your personal life your business and aren't interested in mine." Like DUH, but SD's personal life is his buisness.
Yes this is true! We wanted last summer to sign her up for soccer since she loves playing soccer with us, but because of COVID we were having a hard time finding a league for her age, but hopefully this summer we can. I just feel bad that it appears that SD is put on the back burner majority of the time.
i agree... certainly a brief
i agree... certainly a brief message letting her know that he considers permanent changes something he legally should be consulted on is totally appropriate. Without threats of court etc... but just a reminder and on record that he had not given her permission.
That being said.. I am fairly certain.. that unless there were a lot more "worse" transgressions on BM's part.. a bunch of what might be considered minor or just over the line issues might be seen as petty annoyance by the court... so it could be an "also" issue.. but would have to have a lot more serious violations (like getting the child hormone therapy..or something like a major medical decision)..before a court would really be inclined to take big actions.
I'm not saying that it didn't fall into the category of something that BM should have possibly consulted him about.. but honestly.. if he is against it.. have the child remove the earrings for his visit.. they will close up.
That is exactly what we did
Again, I am not saying that this whole thing will add up to something, BUT as BM has been trying to not follow the CO in regards to DH's visitation, etc. that is outlined in the CO, the only point that this would do anything is just adding up to show all the times BM does not follow the CO, is well aware of the CO, and just is not following it. That is the only motivation of saying anything to BM, is to just document instances of her being fully aware, but not caring about what the CO says. That is it.
We discussed that option of taking them out, but we won't for two reasons:
1. It will upset SD and it is not SD's fault
2. It will just look vindictive if it is ever brought up and that we are just trying to get back at SD
So at the end of the day, SD got her ears pierced, fine, DH was not consulted as he should of been and hopefully it doesn't happen again since BM was notified, but if it does, just shows BM's disregard for the CO
OK, I am so you ten years ago
OK, I am so you ten years ago. Let me help, so you can move on. You can't control bm, and bm will never change. The communication will most likely never get better so don't expect it. I say this to you, so you can change your mindset and stop feeling frustrated. Bm is immature and probably drama driven, so if you poke at this too much than you are feeding the beast. If you want to document the event send this:
I understand you wanted to take SD to get her ears pierced since you are her mom, but in the future please let me know before you change her physical appearance. Legally we need to both give permission before doing so.
Make it business like and impersonal but still acknowledge that she is the mom because these crazies like that. Good luck.
I appreciate you tryin gto help
but I do not need to move on. I am very well aware that we can't control bm, bm will never change, and communication will never get better.
I also know that it is important to document things in a court approved app in case we ever go to court over custody, etc. We did send BM a message notifying her that body modification which ear piercing falls under does fall under legal custody and that since DH and BM have joint legal custody she cannot make such decisions for SD without consulting with DH.
We never make any of our messages to BM personal, but factual and referring to the court order, there is no point to communicate with her in any other way.
It might help
If you take a huge step back from the SD situation. A kid getting their ears pierced on their mother's time isn't going to be a big deal to a judge. It will make you look petty if you bring 19 additional, minimal items up, sadly.
Disengage or your blood pressure will be sky high. If DH doesn't care that the ears are pierced, neither should you.
Dance? Same thing. Who gives a patootie? Whether SD wants to do it or not, it doesn't matter. It's good exercise and now she has some jewelry.
It honestly sounds like your frustration is bubbling over on these small things. It's understandable step parenting stinks at times. But disengage or it will make your life miserable.
I know it is not a big deal to th ejudge
that is what I said above...
Both DH and I do not care that SD's ears are pierced, like I also said above. DH and I both care that BM is acting as though she has sole legal custody and can make whatever life decisions she wants in regards to SD, when they have 50/50 legal custody.
I think you are very much misunderstanding and are thinking I am a lot more upset about this and that I cannot let it go. That is not the case at all. All that is going on is it is frustrating that BM thinks she can decide whatever she wants for SD without DH's input because she is the mom. It is also frustrating and as I mentioned petty, but that it appears that SD is always put on the back burner to her older sister. That is all. Also, just mentioning how even if little we are documenting in case a day arises that we end up back in court. That is it.
I get it
This was just a friendly reminder that she isn't the sole parent. Thart there is a father in the picture and that he cares. That's all. Future use of it isn't the purpose of the reminder ... but it may serve as a starting point to show how things progressed if she really does start to do wild and out there stuff with SD.
YES!
Exactly! Did we really want to send a message about that and have the court approved app be blown up by BM's drama? Honestly, no, not at all. We really did not want to deal with it, but we have seen with people we know that these HCBM's when given an inch, they take a mile and don't want to be in the same boat as a couple we know that are screwed because they never did or said anything about how the CO is not followed.
We just did the thinking ahead thing of we sent a notification to BM in a format that the court would accept as evidence into the court. Asked BM to consult DH next time and left it at that.
Here are a few things I
Here are a few things I remember from when I was growing up....
My parents were getting divorced and my brother was 5ish at the time. He had a "tail" early 90s thing. My mom cut it off and my father flipped.
My fathers ex wife took me to get my second hole pierced.. I was around 9 I'd say... my mom flipped. I was a baby when I originally got my ears pierced.
My parents did get along really for years for various reasons but, this is what I remember.
I know you guys what to be involved in all decisions (as you should per CO) but, is it worth it to go tit for tat over everything?
No judge is going to care that a mom took her daughter to get her ears pierced without asking dad. That's just the way society is.. not saying it's ok but it's the truth.
Don't stress over everything BM does. It's not worth it. Your SD is only 4 and you have a long way to go with her. There will be many more of these situations. My advice is pick and choose your battles that you find worthy. Personally, this one (IMO) isn't worth it.
We are not going tit for tat on everything
as we are not doing anything to get back at BM. All we did was notify BM that DH needs to be consulted for legal custody matters and body modification falls under that category.
We aren't stressing about everything BM does, but as most judges side with the BM, if we were ever to go for flip of custody or ended up back in court because BM filing something, then we have documentation of us notifying BM that is not following the CO and all the instances in which this happens.
Again, never said the judge was going to care, actually said the opposite, but a judge might care if BM does not follow the CO consistently. That was all.
I think what folks are not
I think what folks are not seeing in this situation was that this was OP and her DH documenting an occurence of BM not following the CO. Not of them filing contempt. Not of them planning to take BM back to court. Just documenting via an app that is COed for communication.
Honestly, it's a smart thing to do. We all know this one instance won't mean anything, but a pattern of behavior where she does what she wants without consulting DH might be helpful in the far future if BM does something big, like move across the country without informing Dad or starts honeschooling SD without discussing it first or whatever. It doesn't hurt to be able to refer back, especially if this BM goes on a tear about how Dad "is never involved and never wants to be involved".
So long as OP and her DH aren't using this to start something, and they aren't, this was a smart move.
Thank you!
That was the words I was searching for we are just looking to document "a pattern of behavior." There is no way to tell now if this will become a pattern of behavior, but we much rather be prepared in case it is! I would rather document small instances and it turn out to be nothing, then later look back and be like "why didn't we say anything then?"
That is all that we are looking to do. Like I said it is not that we were against SD's ears being pierced, it was the fact that DH was not at all consulted or even notified it was being done or was done. We have seen/heard of so many times how two parents will go to court and one will bring up x,y, and z of the other parent, but they never said anything to the parent or did anything about it, so the judge did not care because there was no pattern of behavior to back up the claim.
Good Morning Future...
I understand your frustration and wanting this to be fair and right. In truth, coparenting, custody, child rearing should be fair and right. In reality...it is certainly not! Honestly, the courts look at these things as petty and small and eventually will unfortunately review the record in the same light.
In my years working with children and families I realized a lot of things...one of which is a parent has to do some really, really bad things for the courts to become actively involved..I mean REALLY bad things. Look at the member here Justmakingthe best...for god sakes if a judge won't recognize and deal with that parents behavior and actions some even illegal it is because it isn't looked at as bad enough in the courts should tell you everything you need to know.
From what I can tell by information that you have shared you are a young woman, new to this. Wisdom, living, and just life experience teach us SO many things. I know this is crappy that mom did this without passing by dad...in a kind world it is...in the total picture it is small, small, small. Seems this mom will always be crappy buckle in! There will be many hills to die on in this journey and this is not one of them.
You can document, document, document until one day you will realize you are misusing valuable time and could be living better. You will have high blood pressure, stress though the roof, and just a crappy attitude going at this pace. Save yourself from a future of constant turmoil...when there are big fish to fry...let your husband cook them. You hold his hand. Take some rich advice...you have a loooong way to go with this relax and pace yourself girl. Recognize the system for what it is and get used to this little girl having a crappy mom.
Live well!
I know you mean well, I really really do
but I am not over stressing this or being in constant turmoil. Our verison of document is saying something to BM in the court approved app and then DH and I discuss it for no more than 20 minutes and then we move on. So I get what you are saying, but things are being misinterperted as I am missing time, constantly thinking about this, etc. It is a 20 minute ordeal at most that is all DH and I allow it to be then we move on. The documentation is just to establish a pattern of behavior down the road if it becomes necessary or related, that is it. We are not dying on this hill or making it bigger than it needs to be just notified BM it wasn't right, doesn't follow the CO, next time consult DH, that is really all there is to it.