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First Phone Call Since Custody Swap

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So SD went back to BM's on September 1 and we have not asked to call SD until yesterday as we have been crazy busy and we just had her for 3 full months so were trying to not invade on BM's parenting time. So bf messages BM on the app and asks when he can call SD. BM responds "8 am Sunday." Which we know she is just dying to get us back for the time we had her wait 3 days to talk to SD and made it early on weekend morning too to be petty. So whatever, this time we are letting it go to so BM can feel she got us back for the one time she had to wait. What is funny is on her whole rant she said "I would never make you wait when you ask to call SD, you'll be able to call her that day."

We decided to do a phone call this time and then the next time we will ask to Skype and will alternate on and off, so we can keep an eye on making sure SD is still not getting beat up, plus allows us to see her face and her, ours. We asked BM if we could have SD two weekends from now and BM said that SD was unavailable then, which we expected even though in messages she claims "I will gladly let you see SD on weekends if you ask ahead." I mean they could really be busy which I get, but it is just funny all these "claims" she has made, so far has not followed through on either one. 

We did not give BM the burner phone we bought for SD on our time for a couple reasons. 1. Did not want to risk it being broken, lost or damaged for us to either buy a new phone or get met with issues on trying to get BM to replace it, 2. DId not want to risk BM not paying for minutes on her time for the phone or her try and get us to pay for the minutes, 3. DId not want to add more items to the list to have to communicate about.

So my question is this, after BM's antics about having to wait 3 days to call SD, bf and I thought of a compromise to allow BM an easier way to call SD, how many times of BM making us have to wait days or being difficult about calling SD until we should address it? We let this time go because we had her wait days one time, so fine, but should next time or it be the time after that we bring up how she claimed she would not make bf wait days to talk to SD that it would be the day he asked that he could and the fact that bf listened to her complaints and came up with a solution, but now BM is doing the opposite and making it difficult? We really don't want to stir up drama, but also not going to play this game with BM because she wants to be petty now that it is her time.

Also, anyone want to guess how many times in those last two weeks BM called SD even though we got the burner phone for her to call? Outside of the 1 time we had scheduled a few days before getting the burner phone that lead to this compromise? None, that is right zero.


Survivingstephell's picture

There's always the "police well check" visit that you can use.  Warn BM that she needs let SD talk and if BM doesn't she must be hiding something and a well check visit will be the consequence.  

The only way to truly have no drama from a high conflict BM is to give them everything they want and leave them alone.  I doubt you want to sacrifice SD on that altar so you have find an effective way to manage her.  This is my suggestion, other ideas will come.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

if we don't have to. 

Well we don't want to do that, I mean we already are to some degree in the next couple months in not trying to pursue having more custody between now and spring break, which is our out of state schedule that started September 1, even though BM did not move like she had listed in the CO. She is now supposedly moving December or January. She also claims we can have SD for Thanksgiving, but again we are not putting any belief in that actually happening. We don't want to stir up more drama, have more communication than necessary, etc. especially when everything just finally ended with all that.

ICanMakeIt's picture

the CO? If so, go by the agreement. If not, good luck. The wellfare check is a good tactic but likely to be used on you in the future.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

there is no agreement, it says "reasonable" phone communication which people hung bf and I for making BM wat 3 days a few weeks ago to talk to SD because of our schedules. BM also threw a fit threatening to try and have the agreement modified to have an actual schedule. Bf and I then came up with the agreement of buying a track phone for SD on our time to act as a house phone while she is with us so BM can just call SD and there is no need to communicate/coordinate phone calls and that SD would call her back within 24 hours. BM was appreciative of that.

Now that BM has SD she is pulling the making us wait a few days, which fine if you want to do this once to be petty and get back at us whatever, but if this is going to be her response everytime, we need to point out to BM the adjustment made in favour of BM and SD having more phone communication and how she claimed she would never make bf wait days, but she is in fact making him wait days and is not allowing phone communication like she claimed.

We don't want to start off right away pointing fingers and causing drama, but bf is also entitled to the same thing she is which is reasonable phone communication.

Really don't want to do the wellfare check unless we really think it is necessary

thinkthrice's picture

In these legal agreements with completely insane (usually) BMs that are so incredibly general.


"at least"   etc.  I think the attorneys and judges do it on purpose because they know they will get repeat business.

They are not doing it for some altruistic reason or assuming that the part(ies) are sane.

Thumper's picture

Send cards in the mail...Certified, return receipt. ??

"HI, thinking of you. How is school. Call us when you want to. WE MISS YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU, LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" WE thought you would like to get cards in the mail. Here is 10bucks LOVE YOU bye.

Heck send 1 every week. No harm no foul..remember to tell her to CALL YOUS


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Except she's 4 haha... so no promises BM would even open them or read them to her 

thinkthrice's picture

The Girhippo would screen everything that was mailed to the skids.

Harry's picture

And get a real CO  , a real schedule, you are letting BM have  total control.  You will be playing her game to the end of time. 
Go to court. Get everything down on paper. Visitation, phone calls, CS, medical bills  

The more that down on paper the better it is for you 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

There is a CO and everything is done in court and on paper. However when the agreement that became a court order was made, we didn't want an official phone call schedule to schedule our lives around so we don't have one, it just says "reasonable phone communication" 

BethAnne's picture

We did scheduled once a week skype calls with sd. That way (in theory) communication and negotiation are limited to setting it up initially. Of course, pretty much every week my husband had to remind BM to get SD online and there were lots of weeks where SD or BM did not respond at all during call time or we were told last minuite that SD was at a sleepover etc. But on the whole regular-ish contact was maintained and it limited the need for repeated negotiation plus added some routine for sd.