Feeling a bit guilty
So for all of you who are familiar with my story and my situation, I am feeling a bit guilty. This is the first full week we have bf's daughter 7 whole days in a row, which has been so nice and great! She started back at day care this week and is enjoying it a lot. Between the natural cough syrup we have been giving her and the cool mist humidifier, she sounds so much better! She has been doing so great with potty training both at home and at school. Also, with my bf and I going over her numbers and colors every day, she is improving on those too! The first "full week" we had her was only 5 days because of a trip I planned in October, that had us gone two days of his week, but just found out started our week on/week off the week before our trip, plus her spot wasn't open at day care yet, so this is full first week with the real routine!
Now on to why I am feeling a little bit guilty. A lot of you know about BM's older child ordeal. I really feel bad for my bf on how that turned out and I do miss the child too. However, there is also this other part of me that at times is 50/50, I wouldn't say I am happy the child is no longer in our life, because that is not true. BUT, I so do not miss:
1. Bedtime with her. Between the difficulty of getting her to go to bed, stay in bed, go to sleep, then there's the getting up almost every single night between 11 pm - 5 am, coming out to our bed sobbing. I am a light sleeper so this always woke me up, then I had to wake bf up, and it was almost like she came out expecting to get in bed with my bf then crying because I was in the bed so she couldn't. I say this because on nights we would spend apart bf would tell me how she would try and get in his bed.
2. The behavior. I did not post a lot about this because it wasn't that bf is not disciplining or being a parent or anything like that. Plus I think a lot had to do with the unease and lack of routine because of the divorce, but her behavior the last 6 months before BM took the children, called CPS, etc. was awful. Between the concerning things she would say about blood, cut up my bf like chicken, the lying, especially about saying I or my bf hurt her. The screaming temper tantrums, not listening whatsoever, wanting to be babied, i.e. trying to get us to wipe her after the bathroom, the refusing to take off her clothes/put her clothes on because she wanted us to do it for her, etc. Plus the being mean to her younger sister (bf's daughter) between the biting, hitting, not letting her sister talk or do anything, etc. I feel like so much of our time went into watching every little thing she did, then when she got put in time out, etc. would just scream her head off, etc. The screaming I want to go to mommy's, any time she did not get her way or telling my bf she hated him, he isn't her dad, etc.
3. The games from BM, rubbing it in to my bf that he wasn't the child's father to emotionally trying to blackmail my bf after she took his rights away. BM taking the child to counseling which either by imagination or BM's coaching, making false allegations about my bf and leading the counselor to believe someone was sexually abusing her. Basically I don't miss worrying everyday if BM is going to call CPS and make another false claim.
So yeah, I feel really guilty that life has been much more peaceful since October when the judge took my bf's rights away to the child. We can actually enjoy time with his daughter, plan things we couldn't because of the older child's behavior, etc. I haven't told anyone about these conflicting feelings because I don't want to sound like a monster and I especially can't tell my bf about this. Even though my bf has been doing pretty well handling it. We went through the kid's room (now his daughter's bedroom) and together we got rid of items in general, there were sentimental things that bf asked me to get rid of because it was making him emotional, etc. Bf gave to BM pictures of the older child that he had that were from before he filed for divorce. Plus the added bruises/bite marks BM says older child inflicted on bf's daughter doesn't help my feelings that I feel guilty for. Neither does the fact BM always sends bf's daughter in clothes/shoes that are the older child's making it seem like bf's daughter is constantly being slighted in BM's care.
I know some people were really struggling with how bf and I want out of state custody and one thing that I think a lot of people did not consider too is it also leaves less chance or running into or seeing BM's older child.
Sorry for the really long post and while yes it is the internet and you all are strangers, I hope I don't sound like a terrible person for feeling this way. It has been a pretty big struggle in all directions and one I would not wish on anyone.