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Feedback wanted - My last blog got me wondering

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

what everyone's stories are revolving around getting engaged and married to their DH. As many of you know, bf's custody schedule is every spring break, 6 weeks of summer, and every other christmas after September 1. My bf and I are not engaged yet, but it is coming soonish. How soon? I have no idea and I like it that way. My only request to bf was for it to not be within a month of two of the divorce being finalized. May seem a little silly since I am 100% about him and us, but just didn’t want to jump right into being engaged, I wanted to enjoy the fact that the divorce is finally over and enjoy there not being that stressor so present in our lives. Okay, actually had two requests, my other request was before we move to the opposite coast that we at least be engaged beforehand. Again, not that I don’t have trust in us and our relationship, but it would make me feel more stable about the choice and I think it would make my family feel better about it too.

 

So one thing that has been on my mind is once we do get engaged, when should we actually get married? I know this is a discussion I will obviously have with bf and we have talked about a little bit, but I don’t want to get into too much details until we are actually engaged. I think it would be helpful for me to have my head on straight on what REALLY does and should matter when we have this discussion. So for example, we will be moving next May. I am hesitant to get married after we move because 90% of our guest list lives on the east coast. A handful of the people we invite live on the west coast. So in my brain I am like, should we get married before we leave? Should we get married on the east coast after we move to the west? Or should we ask everyone we want to go to fly to the west coast and accept not everyone will be able to come?

 

Then the other issue is, I know bf and BM got married in April, so as stupid as it may sound letting their past play a part in our future, I really do not want to get married in the same month they did. There is also the issue of SD, personally, I always envisioned her as the flower girl, she’s young and I have been in her life since right before she turned 2. We only get her specific times of the year though, so do I want to plan a big part of our wedding around when we have SD?

 

I am an A+ worrier, if you couldn’t tell so some of these things I feel like I shouldn’t be worried about now, but at the same time, it is less than a year before we leave and I don’t want to go into the conversation of planning with my emotions all over the place. Will probably go better if I can identify the key parts that I feel very strongly about. I am hoping some insight into other people’s experience will be helpful!

 

The more I have typed this out though the more to me seems best to elope before we leave, then plan a wedding that includes SD and everyone else, but still don’t know what would be best in regards to which coast. Anyways, ladies give me some advice, please! Also, this is so much on my mind since my co-worker just got engaged last week, my  best friend’s just told me they are pregnant and buying a house, etc. so very much on my mind!

Comments

futurobrillante99's picture

Welp, I think that deciding when to marry should be based on what you and your boyfriend want/need. While convenient to marry before moving, it might be quite simple to plan a simple wedding for where you live now, and fly back for it.

Stepping back from your original question, what's the hurry for getting married? Are you feeling insecure about things? Are you feeling any uncertainty about your future security or how much your partner loves you?

You're probably a good bit younger than my 53.5 years, so maybe you're thinking about children.

I've been dating a widower for 14 months, now, and marriage and living together are not even on the horizon for me. I've been married twice and I have 3 kids, so I'm in no hurry to tie myself to another man for the rest of my life, despite this man turning out to be one of the best I've ever known. Just my luck, I'm OFF marriage just when I meet a guy I could possibly have a happy marriage with. Go figure.

The place to start is to decide what you want and need. Then talk it over with your partner and see what he wants/needs. Until you're ready to do that, you're overthinking and will likely stress yourself out while also setting yourself up for disappointment from privately deciding what makes the most sense to you = creating unspoken expectations.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Yes, this is true!

 

Well, no I wouldn’t say I am feeling insecure, but I would say I am not comfortable moving to the other side of the country away from my family, friends, job, without at least being engaged. I am 25, turning 26 in less than a month, but yes children are definitely a factor! I do not want to have a child with bf until we are married and neither does he. Bf is turning 28 this week and he doesn’t want to be too old when we are done having children and neither do I. My parents are young and I enjoyed that, while his parents were older and he missed out on certain things because of it.

 

Haha, the world seems to work that way! I am happy for you though! Whatever is best for you, I am supportive of!

fakemommy's picture

I wouldn't rush. I also wouldn't elope and plan on a ceremony later. We said that, never happened. Once you buy a house and have kids, spending money on a wedding when you are already married will seem silly. I think you should get engaged whenever it happens, and then start planning the wedding time.

lieutenant_dad's picture

This is such an individual question that, unfortunately, you'll have to figure out yourself.

My first marriage had a three year engagement, a "real wedding", and a real honeymoon. With DH, we were engaged a month, got married in front of our Christmas tree in our new (at the time) house, and took a "honeymoon" nearly a year later by tagging on some extra days to our trip for a friend's wedding.

When you decide to do it is based solely on what you feel comfortable with and what you want. For me, legal marriage is a convenience. I don't put a lot of stock now into being married. I don't feel morally superior for being married, and if I were to get divorced, I wouldn't see it as thr black eye that I did the first time. But, I know that's not a very traditional view.

At the end of the day, you have to be okay with the choice you made. Having been divorced before and having my initial views of marriage shattered and reformed, I tend to put let stock in "right timing" and "right order". If the relationship is good and you want to get married, get married. I wouldn't wait arbitrary amounts of time to do something you already intend to do just because society deems that appropriate. Marriage doesn't make things better or worse unless you let it make things better or worse.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

That makes sense. Based on little discussions we have had here and there, we are both at a cross roads on the topic because on one hand it makes sense to do it before we leave, but then on the other hand it makes sense to wait. I don't see us having a readiness issue about getting married. Hell, the other day bf said when we get married, I don't want to wait a year or so to try and have a baby with you. Then we talked a few days later and he revised his statement by saying well, I don't want us to get pregnant before we take our honeymoon so we can enjoy that together to the fullest. So there is more of a certain order we want things to happen which of course isn't always able to be followed, but less of an issue of wanting to/ready to

missginger's picture

Definitly do not get married near when his first marriage was. I would also avoid her bday. Skids bdays. And any other days you can think of that would take away from your anniversary every year. 

Also if he has a set visitation schedule that you think won't change work around that. My DH and his ex have almost never strayed from the every other weekend and him having her on WEdnesday in over 6 years! So I would never plan on getting married when it could be a time you will have the skids (for ex if he has them for certain weeks in the summer) because then your anniversary willalways be when the kids are with him.

And for me eloping was the best thing we ever did!!!! You may care for his daughter but inthe end this is about you two. 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

read her birth date on her arrest report when we were sorting through papers from the old attorney to give the new attorney and found out her birthday is the day after mine. UGH, at least it is not the same date, but still. My bf, myself, and SD are all within the same month, July, haha, so definitely just avoiding July there is enough going on then!

I didn't even think about that! I guess I would rather have our anniversary when it is just him and I, until we have kids, not purposely make it during visitation. Good point!

Yeah, it is about us, this is true!

CLove's picture

Yeah, I avoided all that and opened my own little can of worms. DH and BM were married and divorced in August.

I wanted to follow my mothers tradition of Bday and Anniversary being in same month (not a great idea, but July is really nice weatherwise on the west coast...sometimes....). So.

My bday is in July, Dh's departed mother's bday is a week after that and 2 weeks after that we got married. LOL. Yup. Oy.

I would get married on East coast to share with everyone. Make it super sweet. Talk it over with your FH, see what his views are.

tog redux's picture

Well, as I posted in your other thread, we "eloped". We had been talking about marriage with no plan, and then DH lost his job and needed health insurance due to health issues, so we got married sooner than we planned.  Literally, "how about Friday?"

We went to a beautiful local arboretum with our two good friends, one who was the officiant, the other was the witness, driver, photographer.

About 7 months later we had a small dinner with family and a few close friends.  A couple years after that, we took a "honeymoon" to Ireland.

Do what feels right to you - but I do get family pressure to have a wedding. My mother was surprisingly upset that we "eloped". She got over it.

ndc's picture

My thinking is, when you know you've found the right person, and you've been with them long enough to make a "forever" determination, and there are no big obstacles standing in the way (an unfinished divorce, financial issues, still finishing up school, etc.), why not just get married?

I think a lot of people have long engagements because of the wedding celebration - they want a certain venue, a particular season, the perfect dress that takes months to be ordered and then be altered, etc.  These days, with C19 putting a damper on gatherings and hanging like a cloud over the head of many a bride, my inclination would be to have a fairly small and simple wedding (or elope, if that floats your boat), and do it BEFORE you move across the country with your boyfriend.

I got married a little less than a year after I got engaged, and it was in part because it took time to plan a wedding.  I didn't have a huge wedding, and it was in my parents' backyard, but with 20/20 hindsight, I should have saved a bunch of money and had a much smaller wedding (like immediate family on a beach) or eloped.  I hated wedding planning, I hated being the center of attention, and although I had fun at my wedding, I'd be just as married if I had eloped and I'd be no less happy.  If I was planning to get married now, with Covid19 around, I would most definitely do things differently.  I know too many people who've had to scrap their wedding plans and either postpone the marriage altogether or have a small ceremony with their parents and hope to have their reception at some time in the future.  I know other people who are kind of in limbo - they've got the venue, the venue won't let them cancel (without huge financial cost) until it gets closer to the time, the guests aren't sure if they want to travel or go to a gathering - it's just a mess.  

Anyway, I would do what works for you and your boyfriend, and don't let anyone else dictate what you do.  I also wouldn't worry too much about other people's birthdays, anniversaries and the like.  Your day will be YOUR day, no matter when it is.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I like your request not to get engaged too soon after his divorce is final.

The two of you have been enaged in a stressful battle with BM for most of your relationship. It's a good idea to let things calm down before proceeding.

ESMOD's picture

One thing to consider is that if you plan the wedding during his custody time then you are going to have her with you on all future anniversaries... 

So.. I might try to plan whatever on either the very beginning. or very end of his visitation so that she could attend.. but you would still be able to have celebration trips etc.. near to the actual date.

I think that moving then coming home for a wedding on the east coast is fine.. as long as you have good support back east to ensure that everything is going smoothly.. it also may be fun for you to run back and do some little planning trips to ease into the move out west.  I did it with myEX and that can be a big change for people.. and honestly.. I might want to wait to officially get married until after you see how the move itself goes.. it may bring things to light you never noticed before.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

That I hadn't considered about custody time and future anniversaries! 
 

Moving can definitely stressful especially I can imagine from coast to coast! Moving two places into one place wasn't fun that's for sure! 
 

I feel like probably waiting till we move is less stressful anyway because I feel like Id be really worried about finances since it's going to already be a bit of a stressor without a wedding to worry about!