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Apologies to those

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

that I was yelling at earlier that commented on my blog, especially since many of the users are once that have given me great advice, been supportive, etc. I lost my cool because it was being insinuated that I was trying to control my bf by telling him that he should not go to an event to support his SD. Sometimes on here I get frustrated because users think I am reading too much into a situation or letting BM take up too much space in my head or that I just am misplacing blame on BM. Those who know about the BM in my situation know how awful and cruel she is. Any time bf or I gave BM the benefit of the doubt or reflect wondering if we jumped to conclusions about BM, 4 out of 5 times we find out that we shouldn't of given her the benefit of the doubt because it is ALWAYS petty games with her. ALWAYS.

I understand where people are coming from about you should love your kids more than you hate your ex. On other divorce situations, I do agree actually. If there wasn't this whole BM's other child situation, then I would be encouraging bf to go to such events to support SD. However, for how raw things still are, the games BM is still playing, it only being a year, SD only being 4, etc. right now I think bf deserves a pass for another year before being okay with running into BM's older child at an event. Unfotunately, SD is way more used to BM and bf being at nothing together, being together, etc. that at 4, I don't think she is thinking anything of it unless BM points out to SD that her dad is not there. If BM does this, then that is just cruel.

So I am sorry for losing my temper earlier and yelling when I should not have. I do not wish that anyone would know what this situation feels like, but I do wish people would be a little more understanding and empathetic towards what bf is/has gone through. Plus of course people understanding that 1. I am not trying to control bf in any way, 2. BM is NEVER up to any good, maybe that will change down the line, but she is still being selfish and vindictive, 3. The less contact with BM is better for everyone right now, even SD because the tension, drama, etc. is not good for a 4 year old either.

Comments

Felicity0224's picture

Your situation is so unusual that no one is going to have the perfect answers. All you guys can do is the best that you can with the information and circumstances that you have. That being said, I really hope your SO is considering therapy. I realize that a lot of men think that therapy  doesn't work, or it's 'not for them.' But this is a situation where the sooner your SO can resolve his feelings about the older child, the better it will be for every single person involved. A good therapist should be able to get him to a place where he won't be emotionally devastated by seeing the other child, and also where he'll have a plan for how to answer questions from SD. 

For years it was incredibly painful for us to go to any events where BM was in attendance. Her behavior was so erratic and she would get the kids hyped up into hysterics with no regard for how public a space it was. One of my worst memories is her screaming at us about how we were trying to 'steal her children' at the top of her lungs on Christmas Eve in the foyer of HER church during a candlelight service that the girls were singing at. This type of behavior was so common that for a time we did sit out events that we knew BM would be at because it was so upsetting for the kids. The end result was that it was used against us as 'proof' that we didn't care about them because we 'missed' so much. So I totally understand that it's a damned if you do/don't situation. But I would encourage y'all to explore every path that could lead to everyone being able to attend events in peace because if that's at all possible, it will certainly benefit SD. 

Harry's picture

It's your DH ex.  You must understand he wants a relationship with his DD.  He has to put up with the ex. You knew this before you got involved with your DH.  We all understand that it's not going like you thought it would.  We all get this way at sometime in our relationship.

 It's up to you to get someplace in your mind to except this for what it's worth. And what it is .  You can let BM take all the space in your mind. Or you can disengage from all of it.  Let them work it out between them selves

futurobrillante99's picture

I remember being where you are - hypervigilant while living the hell of steplife. It's been nearly 2 years since I divorced my XH2.

While I'm dating a man with a grown daughter and am technically in the region of steplife, you're in an up close and personal kind of situation.

My situation allows me to be more detached.

However, even while I was IN it, I KNEW it was taking up too much headspace. And I know what it looks like to be TOO involved in every minor detail. I think that's what you're doing. We can read your anxiety and how this situation takes so much energy from you. It's not healthy.

((hugs))