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Can't get DH to inlcude me in planning parties for the SKids that I HAVE TO HOST!!!!!

furkidsforme's picture

Second try posting, will post the full blog in comments BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH


furkidsforme's picture

So here's the story:

Phone rings-
Me: Hello?
DH: Hi Hon! How's your day?
Me: Good. Whats up?
DH: So SD25 is coming to town next week and wants to have dinner. Does Wednesday night work for you? But dinner has to be early so she can get home.

What would your reaction be? Of course, dinner doesn't mean he and SD go out. Dinner means ME cooking dinner for DH, myself, and the 3 SKids. And not just a plain old dinner, a "holiday" dinner. A fancy, complicated dinner.

I can't help but feel used. I am not included in this planning process. I had no idea a party was being planned. I don't recall volunteering to cook a fancy dinner for 5! Sure, I can say "not that night", but then it just gets moved to another night. I'm actually not given the consideration that I might not even WANT to cook a holiday dinner that night, or any night for that matter!

I really feel like DH goes off and makes these plans with the SKids, and then comes to me with the expecation that I will follow suit. If I say no, at the least I'm throwing a wrench in the works and at the worst I'm ruining things. Oh- and the obligatory I hate his kids. Don't forget that part.

I told DH I need to feel more included in this planning process and need to feel like doing "dinner" is my choice and not a demand. Right now I feel like I'm being TOLD to cook dinner for guests.

DH in his defense, feels that he is simply being efficient in offering me a day he already knows will work for the SKids. But, that just re-fuels my fire that OF COURSE he knows it will work for THEM, because he ALREADY DISCUSSED IT WITH THEM. But not me. I'm the only one not spoken to, yet I am not expected to feel excluded. Exactly how does that work?

Now I'm pissed, and he's pissed. He says I make him create "too many rules" on how he has to do things, and that from now on nothing can be planned if a SKid suggests it. (WTF kind of mantrum move is THAT?) I told him he is playing semantics to avoid the bigger issue, which is that the way he communicates leaves me feeling excluded in supposed "family" plans. I'm always the last to know plans, despite being the one who they impact the most, because I'm doing all the work!

How do you all resolve this?

My solution was if SKid suggests a meal/event/get together DH can reply with "Oh, that is a good idea. I have NO IDEA what FurKidsForMe is doing next week, let me get with her and I will call you back." But he seems to think that is already what he did. I say it isn't at all what he did. He planned the party, THEN told me.


step off already's picture

My thoughts exactly but it was more like, "sounds good, maybe you can pick up some take out to make it easy."

Glassslipper's picture

Me too^^^ and if he said "oh, I thought you would cook, I would say..."I can help you cook if you want, what are you planning to make?" lol

joan mary's picture

How about "what are you planning to make?" But do not offer to help. For most men help equals do.

luchay's picture

Yes - that's what I was thinking. IF he wants to have a dinner at your house for them; with YOU doing all the freaking work; then he needs to talk to you BEFORE he offers up the idea to the skids.

Otherwise it's we all eat out (and he pays) and everybody is happy.

hereiam's picture

What would your reaction be?

"What are you cooking?"

"Where are you taking us?"

"What are bringing home for dinner?"

"Great, cheese and crackers it is!"

Shaman29's picture

He wants you to cook a holiday meal the day before the holiday meal??

I would tell him the compromise for making plans that affect you, without discussing them with you first is that he is taking everyone out to dinner instead.

This was a huge point of contention between H and I for years, and something that is always discussed in our counseling sessions. His tendency to make decisions and assume I'm going to follow along.

Your H is mad because he knows you're right to be angry and resentful, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it because then he'd have to stand up to his kids. And use lame excuses like you hate the skids when you're not compliant.

twopines's picture

My honest advice is to ask what restaurant you're going to so you'll know how to dress.

furkidsforme's picture

Yes, he absolutely DOES expect me to cook a fancy holiday style meal. Something you would serve at a dinner party.

TinyDancer's picture

So, what I'm hearing is that your just the hired help. Not a partner in a marriage, just the cook. Unless you also serve and clean... Which I guess would make you the caterer? Well, wait, you live there so that would make you the live in help. Angry yet? You should be. Really angry. Book a restaurant and let him know where and when. When your able to talk, explain it to him. Start sentences with 'I feel'. I don't know why, but it seems to work. And I bet your a fantastic cook too.... Be a cook who's appreciated.

MissElphaba's picture

I agree with the other ladies - I would've just said, "Sounds good, what are you making?" I understand why you're annoyed though - I don't like people to schedule things for me and then just tell me when they are and that I'm expected to do x, y, and makes me NOT want to participate just out of spite. He feels like because he thought about your schedule during his conversation, that he consulted you...he didn't. He should have.