Money

frustratedmom_2021's picture

Are there any other stepmoms out there that don't work outside the house and argue with their husbands over money and spending?

Thanks

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Are you saying you are making no financial contribution to the household? or are you able to contribute from a pension or other funds?

Honestly, finances are generally an area where all couples can have conflict.  Even when not dealing with divorce.. if both parties don't have similar goals and financial behaviors... naturally there can be disagreements.

Typically, when we have a question on here it revolves around a stepparent who is a SAHM to a joint child or children.. and the stressor is that their partner expects them to care for their bio children as well.  In your case.. it seems grandma is doing much of that.. so with no other minor child issues.. it's not that your role would be a SAHM role. 

are the disagreements related to his spending...or yours?  Honestly, the one who makes the money generally has the upper hand in discussions.. but you and he should have some level of meeting of the minds on how finances work in your home.  If he is on board supporting you 100%.. it's not right that you don't have some autonomy with spending "some" money.

You shouldn't have to ask his permission to buy yourself socks.  But.. if you are lavishing gifts on your child and he is objecting.. maybe you need to talk about what is reasonable.. and set limits and boundaries.. where you have some autonomy.. while adhering to joint goals?

Alternatively.. you could go back to work... and have your own share of income that might even the playing field a bit.

frustratedmom_2021's picture

It's a  long and strange story but I will try to explain. When I met my husband he was the typical early in the relationship knight in shining armor wanting to save the princess but as we all know that changes after a while. I was working at a federal job making good money but I have health issues and the job was making things worse and I still had 12 years to go before I could retire. My husband convinced me to quit work and try to get disability, he said he wanted me home, so that's what I did.

It took 2 years to get approved and in the meantime he was paying my car payment and cell phone and I was completely dependent on him, he tried to talk me into selling my car so I wouldn't have a payment but of course it meant he didn't have to pay it. I have one grown son that's married and has 2 children,  my grandchildren so my husband has never had to deal with stepchildren but I came in with his 2 boys and was expected to stay out of the raising of the boys which isn't easy when you live with them everyday. 

There's no first wife to deal with because she died by suicide a few years earlier, my husband's mother lives next door and has raised the boys. I earn very little on disability and I  foolishly signed a prenup giving up any rights to the house or any property because I felt like the boys earned and deserved all of these things, so now I'm right where I feel like my narcissistic husband wants me, home and dependent on him. I don't contribute financially because I strongly feel that if my husband died tomorrow I would be out on my butt with nothing plus what I have is all I will ever have, he still works and makes really good money and spends lavishly  on his hobbies and allows the boys to purchase freely without any questions but questions my purchases including the groceries. Now that I have my disability money I pay my own car and phone bill and anything I purchase for my grandkids.

When I received notice that I was awarded the disability I was seeing a therapist for depression and she told me that my husband and I needed to set boundaries for the money and who pays what, I came straight and told him what she said and he refused to talk about it so therefore nothing was ever established in the beginning. I know this is getting personal but my husband wants sex everyday sometimes more than once a day and I have dealt with this by giving in because I was indebted to him since he was paying my bills, so basically I felt like a prostitute giving sex for him paying my bills, needless to say this has left me resentful  toward him.

Sorry for the long and complicated story, believe me there's more.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So you're in an abusive marriage. You have income, even if small. Can you find a roommate and move out? Sounds like you don't want anything, and you don't have anything to take. This should be an easy divorce.

You just have to ask yourself if being coerced into sex every night (which is a form of rape) and being financially controlled is worth this particular roof over your head.

caninelover's picture

He is trying to control you, this is abusive.  Can you seek help from your son or a friend to extricate yourself from this?  

justmakingthebest's picture

What are the reasons you aren't working? Do you have a disabilty?

What is causing the money fights? Your spending habits? His? Money on the kids? 

frustratedmom_2021's picture

 

It's a  long and strange

Submitted by frustratedmom_2021 on Mon, 03/01/2021 - 10:59am

It's a  long and strange story but I will try to explain. When I met my husband he was the typical early in the relationship knight in shining armor wanting to save the princess but as we all know that changes after a while. I was working at a federal job making good money but I have health issues and the job was making things worse and I still had 12 years to go before I could retire. My husband convinced me to quit work and try to get disability, he said he wanted me home, so that's what I did.

It took 2 years to get approved and in the meantime he was paying my car payment and cell phone and I was completely dependent on him, he tried to talk me into selling my car so I wouldn't have a payment but of course it meant he didn't have to pay it. I have one grown son that's married and has 2 children,  my grandchildren so my husband has never had to deal with stepchildren but I came in with his 2 boys and was expected to stay out of the raising of the boys which isn't easy when you live with them everyday. 

There's no first wife to deal with because she died by suicide a few years earlier, my husband's mother lives next door and has raised the boys. I earn very little on disability and I  foolishly signed a prenup giving up any rights to the house or any property because I felt like the boys earned and deserved all of these things, so now I'm right where I feel like my narcissistic husband wants me, home and dependent on him. I don't contribute financially because I strongly feel that if my husband died tomorrow I would be out on my butt with nothing plus what I have is all I will ever have, he still works and makes really good money and spends lavishly  on his hobbies and allows the boys to purchase freely without any questions but questions my purchases including the groceries. Now that I have my disability money I pay my own car and phone bill and anything I purchase for my grandkids.

When I received notice that I was awarded the disability I was seeing a therapist for depression and she told me that my husband and I needed to set boundaries for the money and who pays what, I came straight and told him what she said and he refused to talk about it so therefore nothing was ever established in the beginning. I know this is getting personal but my husband wants sex everyday sometimes more than once a day and I have dealt with this by giving in because I was indebted to him since he was paying my bills, so basically I felt like a prostitute giving sex for him paying my bills, needless to say this has left me resentful  toward him.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

1st, you aren't his whore that he can demand sex with and throw some cash on the nightstand. I need to get that out of the way before I addressed anything else. 

As for the rest- you got a settelment right? What did you do with that? What is the living situation with your kids? Could you stay with one of them for a while? Maybe help them build an inlaw suite and stay with them to escape?

There has to be options, you might have to think outside the box but my heart is going out to you. Speak to an attorney, look over that prenup and find your escape. This is not a healthy relationship.

Maxwell09's picture

I have been here recently in some ways. I think you need to understand that it isn't you and that no matter what you do whether it be work long hours and bring in money, work multiple jobs to bring in some money or don't work at all and contribute no money, he will still complain and pick fights over money. That is just how narcissist are when they are done using you for their attention supply. Unfortunately the only way for you to stop the cycle of emotional and financial abuse (yeah thats actually what its called, my lawyer had a heck of a time explaining to me I was being abused in such a way) is to leave. If he is truly a narcissist, because  a LOT of people display narcissistic personality traits in this modern society but they don't necessarily have all the boxes ticked, then you need to leave. If you think he's just greedy (you will know by how he treats others, does he have friends and does he show affection and emotions) then perhaps suggesting to him that you think you should live seperately until his kids age out, seperate completely or live together and continue on but just never talk about money. He can go grocery shopping for him and his kids and you will shop for yourself. 

tog redux's picture

Sex every day would be a deal breaker for me, and DH knows it. 
 

Call a domestic violence program, they can help you get out. You may eligible for help with housing. But if you are capable of working with accommodations, do that instead, since you will make more. 

futurobrillante99's picture

This marriage thing really is a mess.

Ideally, a marriage is two people making vows/promises to ensure the wellbeing of the other person. While some may marry to ensure their OWN wellbeing, the promise/vows spoken are telling the OTHER person what you're offering THEM.

One person offers the other loyalty and fidelity regardless of they MAY receive in return.

Going into a relationship, it would be the hope that you have chosen a partner who is healthy and is able to make the same promises in return for loyalty and fidelity. In many marriages, one person will earn more or has more than the other. The ideal is that each will contribute in whatever manner possible to ensure the wellbeing of the OTHER.

That being said, there isn't one person in the relationship whose needs override the rights or needs of their partner. And in no circumstance do you lose your ability to agency for yourself or your body.

I don't care if you were so disabled that you couldn't do ANYTHING - that you were in a wheel chair. In no sense would you lose your agency and have to endure someone using you like an object.

When one person starts viewing the other person as a vehicle to meet their own needs at the expense of their wellbeing, it's not a marriage, it's one person USING the other.

The vows are not "I promise to TAKE from you." Marriage vows are about what you're GIVING - to the best of your ability. And both parties accept responsibility for the well being of the other in the event they genuinely can't GIVE as much as they could before.

Ugh - I can't believe he's using you like this. Girl, the man is sick and the sex is about exerting power over you.

thinker's picture

I think I read in another post that you have a family history of codepency, and self-identified as codependent, so it seems to me the first thing you need to do, which is entirely within your control, is heal from your codependency so that you don't end up leaving this marriage and inadvertently ending up in a new codependent relationship.  One of the steps to breaking your codependency is probably getting a job and putting yourself in a position to support yourself, but you haven't explained your disability, so maybe that will be a challege?  

Also, money is a source of conflict in many step relationships, so you're definitely not alone.  The conflicts are so predictable that I would argue that almost no stepmom should be financially dependent on her husband, but my own experience has admittedly turned me into a cycnic. 

BethAnne's picture

I do not have a job and my husband and I rarely fight about money or spending. He also doesn't get to demand sex whenever he wants it because he has an income and I don't. 

It is not healthy for your husband to be questioning everything you spend money on, for you two not to be able to have an adult conversation about finances or for him to demand sex and for you to feel obligated. 

The issue here is not wether you have a job or not, it is not if your income is much less than his. The issue here is that he is controlling and abusive and you are having a hard time standing up to him on your own. Talk to your therapist some more, if you can also talk to your son about this. With their help hopefully you will be able to find a way out of this relationship. 

Floral_SM's picture

This is so correct. I'm a SAHM and my DH never makes me feel the money he earns is his and I need to go through him. Yes he naturally takes charge in how he distributes the money in our accounts, but when it comes to spending he and I are on the same page. I will eventually get back into my job and be able to work from home, but for the moment I'm loving being home with our 6 month old baby.
 

Op, your husband is a coward. How dare he belittle you, demand sex, control your finances, manipulate you to depend on him, and thinks he can be called a man. I am sending you lots of hugs. You are strong enough to get help, and leave this toxic relationship. 
 

ndc's picture

This doesn't sound like it's about money at all.  It sounds like it's about control and dominance and your husband taking advantage of you to get what he wants.  Money is just what he uses to keep his control.  If it wasn't the money, it would be something else.  

I'm a SAHM and I don't bring in a salary.  I'm not dependent on DH, though, because I own the house we live in and my parents would and can easily afford to help me if I ever wanted out.  I think being a financially dependent SAHM is scary, and I wouldn't do it, even though my DH wants me to be home, if I didn't have the safety net I do.

futurobrillante99's picture

Too true. My XH1 lorded it over me that he was the bread winner. It was mostly snide comments, reminders of only having my high school diploma, how I wasn't measuring up as a housewife, etc. So much disappointment from him because his "investment" wasn't really paying off.

When I'd had enough, I went back to school and earned not only a bachelor's degree, but my master's. He doesn't have a master's degree. Womp, womp, XH1. And I chose a field that's more profitable than his, so double womp, womp.