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frustratedbonusmom's picture

So SD9 comes to visit for the holidays. Seems like with each visit things get better which is great. 

The only thing we really tried discussing with her during this visit is trying to understand why she never calls or texts DH.

He may hear from her once or possibly twice a week. We ask why she does not call or text - no answer.

So DH decided well since you do not call me, then we are going to spend time together so you are not going to use your phone or iPad during visit. 

Since SD got an apple watch for Christmas from BM which has cellular capabilities even when phone was turned off she was still able to talk to BM, and of course if she wanted to call her from her phone she was allowed.

So SD leaves, DH says you have a watch, iPad, and phone you can call and text me from, I would like you to call me regularly.

SD goes home the day before New Year's, DH and I both text her Happy New Year, we get no response.

So he calls her through kids Facebook messenger and he gets hung up on, he calls back twice, SD finally answers, sounded kind of mad and he asks why she did not respond, she says she is busy, okay fine.

Now she is home and we try calling her and her phone goes right to voicemail. 

Of course I say to DH why don't you say something to BM, he says no he doesnt want to start anything. Whatever, because if BM  does not hear from SD she has no problem calling DH and telling him to have SD charge her phone and call her.

I give up. So BM tells me I blow off SD by not calling her or texting her yet her phone is turned off and we cannot say anything, and I assume this is what has happened in the past when I have texted SD and gotten no response. 


Cover1W's picture

This is a sign of Parental Alienation on BM's part, esp. with a younger kid. BM is manipulating her contact with DH.

Other than going to court, a losing battle we are all very aware of, there's nothing YOU as the SM can do other than support your DH.

1. Document contact dates/times and result.

2. DH should continue to try to contact her, via electronics or simply via mail. Document any upcoming time on DH's schedule and confirm that he's looking forward to seeing her.

3. Let BM know directly about the contact as well and lack of response/DH time.

4. Send non-electronic mail, cards, notes, etc. Show up at the school for events. Be involved with things outside the home. a 9 y.o. is not "too busy."

This is a good and fairly recent article:

Full disclosure:  None of the above worked with OSD, now 19. She's fully estranged herself from DH for no valid reason (BM is on a golden pedestal). I have doubts she will ever come around.

WalkOnBy's picture

Oh, sweet Jesus, does this sound familiar to me....


OP - Cover's suggestions are excellent.  As many here know, my DH was alienated over the course of a year or two and he ended up getting custody of my skids because the Judge determined that the Beast was never going to foster a relationship between my DH and the skids....


frustratedbonusmom's picture

I somehow seeing this happening in our future. I love you call her the Beast!

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Thank you I appreciate the feedback, it just feels like a losing battle as you said. Certainly is manipulation. I like your #3, because this morning I was thinking of sending SD cards in the mail. lol it was just funny SD answered the phone and the tone of her voice was just you did not know what to think the way she said she was busy. We do keep records of everything we send, sad that BM keeps telling us we need to do but cannot because of her ...

floralsm's picture

SD8 does this too. She's got an iPad and Apple Watch at BMs and we hear crickets from her. She messages SS sometimes on his iPad but that's about it. I asked DH does he care and he kind of said well no as she spends time with me when she is over. He doesn't chase her and text her when she's over there. I think in a sad way he's accepted he has lost his hold of SD and feels blessed we share a DD he can have a better relationship with. Not that he doesn't love SD he will always love her, but accepts she's her mothers daughter I guess. Also SD FaceTiming BM all the time too is annoying. I hate hearing BMs haggered banshee voice in my house. I think SD feels if she doesn't talk to her BM will get angry or demand SD why. Just a toxic relationship. SD8 isn't allowed to have my number in her devices at BMs so only DH and his side of the family talk to her. No skin off my nose haha I love the peace. 
Im sorry to hear your DH is really struggling with this though. Document to prove the manipulation.  SD8 lies about us to BM and she laps it up too so we deal with that Toxic side of things too. It's gotten better we have SD over our side less now and we just get on with life a bit easier. For my mental health I steer clear of their toxic relationship. I think DH does the same in a way which makes SD happier when she's here as DH let's her contact BM as she pleases while having a good time at ours. We tell SS, SD and DD2 no electronics after 6pm and that helps her spend quality time with us over dinner and the evening. It's the same rules all round which helps. 

frustratedbonusmom's picture

Thank you for your input as well.. I feel better knowing we are not the only ones going through this.

I feel like I just need to step back some and not completely care so that it does not bother me or interfere with our relationship.

Like we said to SD, you call your mom everyday and text her everyday you are here, mostly without us telling her to and then crickets when she is with BM. Just feel bad for DH because I know it hurts him, and it is like we can see SD has gone on messenger and it is like okay is she not reaching out to him because BM is telling her not to, or is it because she really doesnt think to respond to DH. I am sure it is BM of course, but just do not comprehend being on your ipad or phone or whatever and not responding. I agree with you better to steer clear for our mental health!!

thinkthrice's picture

We weren't able to send postal mail bc it would come back "refused."

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, DH did send things, then would find out later through comments or financial records that the item was thrown away or never used. She would accept them, especially cash of course, with no thank you or acknowledgement at all. But she cannot ever say again that "You never contacted me." He disproved that to her once and she never tried that line again.

thinkthrice's picture

Same here.   They all read off the same PAS script. 

1.  SD, at the time age eight, threw the brand new easle we had gifted her into our backyard burnpile.

2. Nice, pricey (before I wised up) clothing went back to the Girhippo's  (black hole/pig sty vortex) never to be seen again.

3.  A pricey brand name MLB toque was thrown away by YSS; age 6 at the time,  after he was made fun of for wearing it at the Girhippo's house ( by the Gir and his older siblings)  b/c it was Chef's favorite team.

4.  The once popular "Guitar Hero" game was whined about at Christmas of 2007, then sold (the year they called CPS on us for phoney allegations).   At the time the Gir was WORKING  at CPS as a CASEWORKER!

I could go on forever. 


frustratedbonusmom's picture

I think my mouth just dropped to the floor, wow, sorry to hear you are treated this way. How ungrateful, wow, just wow. Sorry to hear this.

frustratedbonusmom's picture

unbelievable, what is even more unbelievable is not just an adult but a parent would not allow their child to receive mail from another parent. Sorry to hear this. 

bananaseedo's picture

See, to me this is a BOTH parents problem.  Children shouldnt' have phones or be made responsible to contact the other parent, it's a large burden, incredibly unfair.  EVERY case where kids under teen years own phones is a disaster.  He should be communicating with BM to talk to SD, during a scheulde they both agree on.

This is half your dh's fault truthfully.  I seriously loathe parents that guilt their children into THEM being the ones responsible to keep communication going, especially at age 9- it doesn't matter at ALL what she does with BM.  This is a DH problem for sure.