UPDATE: SK Freedom - For the Most Part
Update:
So, I found out that the bratty SD plans on staying with us for most of the summer. My anxiety level just went up. I had my sis in law ask her because SD talks to her about everything. So, I got a text this morning that SD does not know if she will be staying or not because she doesn't know if her summer school classes are going to be in a classroom or virtual. I am praying that they will be in classroom sometimes because I don't want SD with us all summer. What really irritates me is that the SD doesn't even ask if she can stay with us. She just shows up with her stuff and when ask how long she's staying, she just gives an I don't know answer. My DH doesn't say anything about her doing this; he just allows her to do what she wants. The same thing happened at christmas when I told him she could stay a couple weeks and he had a fit which led to an argument. He doesn't tell his kid no and that is a problem. So she just assumes that since we have a house now that she can do what she wants and I have no say. I guess we will find out next weekend when she comes up to work her measely four hours at her job for the month, waste of gas IMO, we will see how much stuff she brings.
I told my sis in law that I don't want her here that long and that this is not her house. I told sis in law that I will never live with SD or anybody else again. Probably wrong but oh well. She said that the BM is mean to the SD and that's probably why she wants to come to our house. I said karma has come to her because she was rude and disrespectful to me for so long. I said why should my peace be interrupted by her.
I feel like I'm disrespected by him and by her. A couple months ago, my DH and I got into an argument and talked about a divorce, to which I called a divorce attorney and found out my rights. I don't know what to do now that I know that she is planning on staying that long. My husband doesn't support me in what I want/feel and she's a self-entitled brat that gets what she wants.
Anyways, does anybody do anything outside the house when their bratty SKs come to visit for long periods of time? If so, what kinds of activities or self-care do you do for yourself? I'm looking for ideas because I don't know what to do with myself when she is here. I thought about getting a part time job but I don't know how that would be working full time. Thank you in advance for any advice or suggestions. All would be appreciated.
Original Post Below.
It has been a while since I've been on here. I think since last year. Last year in the spring, I blew up in the mortgage lenders office and told my husband I couldn't take living in his mom's house anymore and that I've had it. In September of last year, we bought house and in October we moved in. Youngest hell SD moved to her mom's house in August of last year and we have been childless (thank Goodness), for the most part. Oldest SD doesn't have anything to do with DH unless the little B@#$% wants something which is hardly ever. We never see her except if she comes to a family get together. The last one was Mother's day at my SIL's house and oldest SD didn't talk to DH except to say hello and goodbye.
It has been so wonderful that we do not live with the SKs and that they are not here. The only time the youngest SD comes is when she works for four hours on the first weekend of the month and if she has a break from school. But I still get anxiety when I know that she is coming to our house. It goes by fast and part of the time she is gone. But the time that she is here, I feel like I walk on eggshells still with her. I don't know why when this is my house and not hers. She thinks that evrything that her dad has is her house. I have told him that nobody will ever live here with us again. I told him don't even ask because it's not happening. His youngest SD is out of school I think today and will be going to summer school starting June 6th. But I'm getting anxiety just knowing that she is going to be coming here either this weekend or next weekend to work again. DH has told her that she is wasting gas driving back and forth but she doesn't want to get another job in the town she lives in. I don't know why I get anxiety before she comes when this is my house and if she doesn't like things here, she can leave. I have also told DH that if he should pass away before I do, that everybody will come get their stuff and leave me alone. I know weird conversation to have. We talk about what if something happens to him because he thinks that he will pass away before me, that I should get married again and I tell him HELL NO! Youngest SD is done with school in a year and half and hopefully she will get a job in the town that she lives in because if she comes back here and tries to live with us, I will be moving out.
Anyways, I don't know what the point of this post is for but I guess just to vent and get my thoughts off my mind. This post is a little all over the place and I'm sorry if I bored anybody. If you've made it through to the end, thank you very much. Have a good day!
- FrustratedandLost's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I remember those days quite
I remember those days quite well. At this time in steplife, I have a good relationship with all of the skids, but it wasn't always the case - especially with the SDs when BioHo successfully step-PAS'd them.
It can suck taking the high road and it isn't easy to bite your tongue and not respond. During the bad times, it helped me to read this before they came over....
Your husband not telling SD no it definitely part of the problem. And she is his problem. There are times I literally bit my tongue bloody not saying anything. It's hard and it sucks.
It isn't good to keep things bottled up; in part because it can lead to that exploding you mentioned. You can always come here and vent to let it out. Toilet paper is no longer scarce. Write that shizzit down on tp and flush it.
On a more serious note... can you do anything to minimize your contact with her when she's there? After all, she's there for father/daughter time. He can plan their activities AND meals. You do you. Take in a movie. Browse at the bookstore for a couple-three hours. Meet a friend for lunch and a mani/pedi. Or go by yourself for some Take Care of Me time.
The Problem is that
my DH doesn't do anything with her. His whole demeanor changes when she comes. He's more serious and not that relaxed when she is here. I know he feels like he's in the middle of the two of us but to me, his priority is me. His daughter is 22 years old and thinks that she should still get what she wants from her parents, like when she was younger. It's not an easy situation and to me there is tension in the air when she is here. I do go to lunch and a movie or shopping with an aunt that lives here, which is nice.
Sometimes I wish that I would never had married him so I wouldn't have to deal with his bratty kids. They don't even treat him with respect sometimes. It's very frustrating.
My SDs were adults at the
My SDs were adults at the time, too. I know my DH was torn between maintaining a good relationship with them AND prioritizing me. When I could not physically remove myself, I did so mentally and treated the SDs like crappy coworkers: I was polite and said very little (hello, goodbye). I did Grey Rock before I even knew what it was.
It's stressful and sucky and I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all go away for you.
Been there
When Bratty McBratFace was 22 she had an expectation that she could live here after college whenever she wanted. It took a year and 2 family therapists to finally get her crap out of here ( mostly, she still has a couple of boxes). I too plan to go my separate way if something happened to SO but haven't told him that. I think he knows.
I am still (2 years later - Bratty is now stb 25) on high alert for any sign that she may to visit. Fortunately I have clear boundaries on this (reasonable notice, specific dates and no changing the plan, SO does the hosting including meals) but it still rankles me.
Also I have the same issue. Bite my tongue but then something triggers me (usually an upcoming Bratty visit). I do need to work on that because the reality is she is not part of my daily life anymore, but it is hard to turn off the worry. I hope that time will help.
I wish I had your backbone to set boundaries.
I like the fact that you have stated clearly about her visits. If I were to set boundaries, my husband would not back me up. Does your husband support you on your boundaries you have set? My anxiety level goes up and I feel very intimidated in my own home when she is here. I feel that she purposely doesn't inclue me and purposely asks him stuff without me around to show that I am not there to her. I worry that if I told her what's what in my house that she would come and not talk to me and give me an attitude, all of which she has done before. I lived in hell for three or four months when we lived at SO mother's house with the kids. She can be really nasty when she doesn't like how someone talks to her or how someone treats her.
Your SD and Bratty sound like
Your SD and Bratty sound like long lost twins. Yes my SO does enforce the boundaries we established (I have to remind him that Bratty also agreed to them in family therapy). Bratty initially got on her high horse and said she would never visit as she didn't feel comfortable with these rules. Then a few months later she asked for a visit 'sometime in July'. SO reminded her that we needed specific dates and she got back on her high horse and couch-surfed at a friend's place instead. Works just fine for me and I have no problem with SO going to see her instead. Though he doesn't really and I suspect that he secretly finds her obnoxious as well (he'd never admit that, though).