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Rude, Inconsiderate SK

FrustratedandLost's picture

My SD seems to think that it's ok to show up at our house when she wants. Such as today. She tells DH that she is on her way here and he asks why she never tells us when she's coming. Her answer is she never knows. I told him that's a shit answer and that she could tell us when she leaves her house, which is 2 hours away. He gets mad at me and says I have a problem with his kids and that he is going to start having a problem with my family when they come. First of all, my family doesn't come here and when they do I tell him. The only family that comes here is my parents and they tell us in advance. Maybe I was wrong to get mad because it was when he just got home but to me his SD is a rude little B%^&*. He of course doesn't know what the problem is and that I shouldn't be getting mad. But tough crap! The kid is rude and disrespectful. It's called consideration and being courteous. Something his kids haven't ever learned. So am I wrong for jumping his case and getting mad at the wrong time or do I have a legitimate reason. It's just so funny how the stepparent has to fight for what they want and the DH doesn't ever think they are wrong or their kids are wrong. What a life it is. 


Stepdrama2020's picture

That is if your DH is not supportive of you. Its crappy if he puts his head in the sand when his precious kids are rude, but when you speak up his head pops out of that sand and rips you a new one. BTDT

Its one thing to want your kids to feel like they can pop by. I am bio less so I may not see the picture in entirety. However common courtesy is to ask or mention beforehand. Its called manners, something that so many skids lack.  To add injury when they are rude shits your DH should not stand for it. 

What an ass your DH is. He deflects from the situation and says he will have problems with  your family. My bet when they do visit you know ahead of time AND they are respectful to your DH. So he is comparing apples to oranges. He is deflecting from the issue, and scaring , (for lack of a better word) you into submission.

Its not wrong to expect to know ahead of time, and if SD is a rude lil B you have every right to say she isnt welcome and he can visit SD outside of the home.

Step crap life has so many f*kng layers of hell if you do not have a supportive DH. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

So true that my DH is an asshole for not having my black. I have complained a lot in the past about how his kids are such rude disrespectful brats and that he doesn't deal with anything. Now one doesn't talk to him and he doesn't speak up with the other. It BS in my opinion. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

It's common courtesy and considerate to do. He has never taught his kids manners though. That's why his kids are self entitled bitches. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

When she got here. She had three duffle bags and two backpacks. Supposedly she is going camping for a couple days and staying for Father's day weekend. But for her to have that much stuff with her tells me she is staying longer than that. I'm just not being told anything. I asked SD if she was taking all that stuff with her camping and she said she didn't know what to take because of the weather. I call BS on that one. If she is staying longer I think I deserve to know whether I get mad or not. I feel really pissed off right now and very disrespected by her and my DH. I was talking to my mom telling her that SD called and told DH that she was going to be staying with us and didnt tell him until she was already in town because she is going camping and its fathers day and my mom got mad at me and told me to shut my mouth and deal with it. She said it's Father's day don't ruin it. I talked to her before SD got here. When it comes to knowing plans with this kid all you get from her is an I don't know answer. Again it's a BS thing. If she is staying the summer with me I deserve to know. DH doesn't have boundaries with his kids. He doesn't say no to anything. I have a very strong feeling that she is staying with us the rest of the summer since she is out of school but taking online summer classes. I'm just not being told the truth.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Father's day is a hallmark gift card holiday.  It doesn't mean that you have to turn yourself into a doormat for your DH and SD to wipe their feet on.  Sorry if blunt but that made me mad.

FrustratedandLost's picture

I agree with you in what you are saying. She is not a stepparent and never has been. She thinks that because he doesn't talk to his other daughter that I should let it be and not make a big deal about it. But IMO, it's called manners and having respect towards me; not being disrespectful and rude. He's never really had respect for me when it came to his kids and asking me anything. I've been kept in the dark. My mom doesn't live near me and only knows what I have told her. It's easy to give advice when you are not in the situation but when you walk in the shoes of a bioless stepparent, you don't fully know the feeling of being helpless and basically invisible.

ESMOD's picture

I'm not sure if you are actually using the wordings you use in your post or not. I know that many people here use "vent" words or profanity here.. out of frustration.. but aren't doing it with their spouse.

But.. if you are saying things like "Sht answer".. to your DH.. or calling her a "rude Brat".. you are probably bringing up a response in him to be protective of her.. against what he views is an attack.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with saying.

"You know I don't have a problem when she wants to visit, but it's frustrating that she doesn't give us any more notice than calling when she is on her way.. she has to have known earlier that dropping by was going to be a possibility.  It would be nice to have a heads up in case we had other plans.. or so we could make sure we were prepared for her visit.. especially if she thinks she may want to spend the night.  Can you remind her that we would really appreciate a heads up.. when she thinks coming by might be a possibility.. I would hate for her to drive so far and then us not be here or something like that!"

Insteady of trying to make him see her as being rude.. you are simply pointing out the risks and downside of not having more heads up by her.  It's a little less confrontational.

And.. if she is being rude.. don't tell him she was being a "rude brat".. tell him what she said or did that bothered you and why it bothered you.. and what you think the boundary is that needs to be in place.. or what response you need from him.

Instead of "Your DD is just such a Rude Brat to me when she is here".. say... "You know, it made me feel bad when she pointed out I had gained weight, yes, I know I have but I'm trying to work on that.  Or... when she laughed at what I was wearing,  I know I'm not as fashion conscious as she is but I guess I don't put as much focus on material things.  When she turned her nose up at what we cooked.. You know I try.. and maybe if we had had more notice, I could have planned a meal that she would have liked more.. that's why I try to ask you to remind her about giving us more advance notice.. I try.. but when things happen at the last minute.. I just do the best I can.. and it hurts to hear that for her, it's not enough".

Specific examples.. vs name calling