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Asking for Help from Self-Entitled SD

FrustratedandLost's picture

Ok, so my YSD is here until August when she goes back to nursing school. A little background before I ask my question. YSD and OSD went to another country with their BM and when they came back, YSD was asked to do dishes and said no. I was sitting there and ask her to help and she flat out told me that she and dad had an agreement that she did her own dishes and noone elses. So from then on, she only did her own dishes. Now, she comes here and stays long periods of time (i.e. summer break, christmas break) and doesn't help do anything. I have brought this up to DH and he stated that he already told her to help out around our home but so far, she tends to stay away and go to her grandmother's house and her friends house and is hardly here sometimes. I get off work at 4:30 and we ate dinner before I got off work. I put my dish in the sink (plate) as did DH. YSD put her stuff in the dishwasher and do you think she would have put the other very few dishes in the dishwasher too? HELL NO! I was still working so I asked DH to do it and he did. Thankfully. My problem is that the YSD stays here and uses electricity, water, eats the food in the house, and doesn't help. I was ticked off one because she didn't offer to help and two because the DH didn't even think to asked her to help out. My question is how do I approach the situation with her. She is the type of person that if you talk rudely or say something to her that she doesn't like, she will get mad and then she will have an attitude. How do you approach someone like that and asked for help? I know I sound like a coward but I am not a person that will be confrontational with people like that. Advice, comments, thoughts? Is it up to me to ask for help or is it the DH who needs to step it up and direct her? 

Comments

CajunMom's picture

I skimmed over a few of your posts. Seems your SDs are adults, or at least one is. Your DH is not a man to handle his kids and while I'm a huge advocate of disengaging, when they are in YOUR home wreaking havoc, you WILL have to speak up. First, I'd have a meeting with everyone, including DH. "I work and I need help in OUR home. I expect everyone to pitch in and that will mean washing dishes, including other's dishes. A "I'm going to wash my own dishes" will not work. What about the pots to cook in and the dishes to store in? With that mindset, dishwashing will be a chore that will be shared by ALL living in this home." (And any other chores you can think of).

On the first failed attempt, re-address with the same wording and attidtude. After that, in my world, all hell would break loose.

Survivingstephell's picture

I don't know what your budget is like but if your DH is spineless man type, turn you ask for professional maid services and it comes from his side of the ledger.  In fact get SD to chip in on it too.  But if you do decide to go nuclear (btdt too) it just might be enough for SD to move to grandma's house and that might not be so terrible.  You can just keep reminding  DH it's his fault if that happens, you know, for not parenting and not being a good husband to you.   

Rags's picture

"Well, I have stipulated to your dad that we only supportourselves.  So, no food for you, no heat or AC any room you enter, no access to our  property except by express permission any time you approach our property line or any door to your home, and ... buy your own dishes and cooking utensils if you expect to have prepared meals. Anything  you leave out, will be thrown away, nothing  you own can be placed anywhere but in your baggage. If  you need to use something from your baggage, use it and put back in your bag.  You are either a compliant member of this household, or you will not be a member of this household."

If your spouse is such an idiot to have entered into this the SKid only does her own dirty dishes crap agreement with his toxic failed family spawn, find a spouse with half a brain, a spine, and some balls.

smh 

Increase the discomfort for DH and his toxic spawn so the spawn just stops comming to your home.  Abject misery is a great behavioral change method, or even better, runs of the toxic idiots.

Winterglow's picture

This I-m so happy

Also, be prepared for her reactions to this. She gets mad? "What makes you so special that you expect others to run after you?" She cops an attitude? "Cut the crap. We've had enough of the pampered princess carry on. Time to become a real adult, sweetie." Though I'm sure you can think of better than this.

Making a list of chores per day and per person and sticking it to the fridge should also be considered. And what if she won't comply? Even adults can have their privileges taken away ...

Winterglow's picture

Don't ask her for help any more, tell her what you want done. If she balks, "time for you to earn your keep...like the rest of us."

Start making a list of the privileges she stands to lose and putting them in order.

justmakingthebest's picture

Would your husband support charging Rent? Something like $200/month so that you can have a maid come in. 

FrustratedandLost's picture

No DH would not charge rent. He thinks that because she is going to school to be a nurse, that it's enough for her to handle. But during summer school, she is not taking hard classes. So doing little things, is not going to break her. She's been put a pedastal by DH to not have to help do anything since high school, that she thinks that she's above it now. 

I do need to strap some balls on and take the bulls by the horns now that we are living in our own home. I did start going to a counselor now and this should help me to start getting stronger. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

You have been given sound advice from all the comments above.

Most people do not like confrontation. However you are dealing with an unreasonable person(S) DH and SD. So put your power mindset on and tell both of them that anyone in this house has to make a communal effort. Be firm and calm.

Once you do this you will realize that confrontation is not too hard. If things dont change as others have said make your home so dang uncomfortable for SD.

 

Winterglow's picture

Here's a thought... 

Don't consider it as "confrontation", consider it more as " clarification of personal responsibilities and expectations for the common good ". It's for everybody's benefit. 

stepmomnorth's picture

Thing about being the visitor in a home is... You need to be courteous and respect their customs and pitch in and help. Do the dishes for everyone there. Because if you are a bad guest.... You won't be invited back at least to stay overnight. Simple as that in my mind. Be a good guest and come back. Be a bad guest and buh bye. 

CLove's picture

Shes acting like shes a permanent guest. Same thing with my SD16, who hardly does her own dishes and only helps out when asked. If its convenient and she cannot come up with excuses. 

Look, reading through your other posts, Im really glad that you are working with a therapist, and of course writing things out here really does help with validation and strategy. So - re-read your previous posts and the comments and suggestions you have been given. You need to grow a strong backbone. Mini-wife syndrom was mentioned in a previous post.

Yeah. Well because shes in nursing school, she is probably in the "untouchable" classification. And you mentioned shes a b!tch. Shes not just the "kind of person that", she has a chip on her shoulder against you. Like has been mentioned before, you have a husband problem. You two are definitely not on the same page. Bring this up with your therapist. 

Ive told you previously that you need to disengage. Maybe that wasnt something you are ready to do. I would reccomend that you re-read the suggestions here and on other posts, because I really have no additional help to give, as much as I would like to.

Ispofacto's picture

I would stop buying the food she likes, put a password on the wifi, change the netflix password, etc.

 

missgingersnap2021's picture

I would cook a nice dinner for just you and DH.

My SD is 17 graduated high school this year, babysits maybe 6 hours a week and thats it, and is planning on taking a 3 month course to be a dental assistant (2 nights a week for 3 hours). She is so F'ing lazy!!!!

! I went in her room yesterday and her dresser and nightstand was layered in dust! The second she turns 18 (in less than 3 months) I am preparing a cleaning basket for her to keep in her bathroom and telling her she needs to actually clean her room and bathroom. She hasnt washed her sheets for at least 6 months (of course she only sleeps her 8 nights a month but still. I wash our sheets once a week), She has never wiped her bathroom mirror or vanity and has never dusted or vacummed. And her only chore other than making her bed is take her garbage out twice amonth after the weekends she sleeps over. The week before this last time she emptied it but put it in the trash under the kitchensink instead of taking it out to the garbage  can in  the garage. So it filled the kitchen garbarge so I had to take it out. Then this past Monday she forgot and her trash was full of tampons and pads! I was sooo pissed!!!!

Dh wants her to keep coming over as usaul once she turns 18. Lets she how she likes it when I make her actualy do things!!

Merry's picture

I'm going to visit my brother next month. Staying for a week. He clearly told me that after three days I'm no longer a guest. Thing is, he didn't even have to tell me that -- on Day 1 I'll be offering to do dishes. Because it's common courtesy.

I've always told kids/steps that it takes everyone living in a household to keep the household functioning. This is one area where my skids step up, and more than my DD too. She sometimes needs The Mom Look, even at 35.

No hints, just straightforward tell SD what you need her to do, and do it with DH present. If there is any negative reaction from the overgrown Princess, DH needs to fix it.

Most nurses I know are caring, empathetic people attracted to the profession because of those traits. I admire the heck out of them. I can't imagine that a nurse with an entitled attitude is going to get very far.