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Worst Weekend of My Life, But Now SD is Gone

frustrated-mom's picture

I’ve been dreading this weekend since SS (6 and 8 ) would be visiting. Every time they’re here the past few months has been a nightmare, but this was worse than ever. But afterwards, I finally feel like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not going to be easy, especially for my DH, but once we make it past this, hopefully things will get back to normal.

To slightly recap, my DH’s 14 year old daughter (who hasn’t been part of his life until recently) has been living with my DH, my BS12 and me for the past four months. SD14 had been living with her grandmother, who passed away. My DH was never married to her mother, who’s lost all custody years ago and has substance abuse problems.

I finally had had enough dealing with out of control SD and thanks to the encouragement I found on here, I laid down the ground rules with my DH about how things were going to be with this girl living with us. She was going to respect me and my son, or she was going to find another place to live. End of argument He was going to get her under control and she was going to stop disrupting our lives, or else.

This didn’t go over very well, but I’ve been trying to convince him that this girl is a lost cause and if he doesn’t resolve this issue, she’s going to continue disrupting our lives and continue to negatively impact the three boys. Already, my son feels bullied and tormented in his own home and she’s turning her half-brothers into hateful little monsters.

Then the final straw came on Saturday.

We are in the process of moving to a larger place, since we’re currently in a 2 bedroom condo, but we can’t find a place we can afford in the school district. And honestly, I don’t want a large house with a big yard. Who do they think is going to take care of it?

I found out that SD14 and SS8 have been on the internet on and emailing realtors, and now we have one calling us about some house the stepkids want to us to buy. SD14 gave our phone number, address and the whole story about what’s going on to a stranger - despite the fact that we have household rules that the kids are not allowed on the computer without a parent around or to give out personal information.

We sat everyone down for a family meeting about this to explain to the kids the situation, why we can’t move, how they need to leave this to us, and about internet safety. But SD14 went off on another tantrum.

By the end of this, SS8 had called his mom and she picked him and his brother up and their half-sister went with them. (They have different mothers, so the boys’ BM is not related to SD14). But the boys’ BM has agreed to let her stay with them for a few weeks until we make other arrangements.

SD14 says she doesn’t want to live with us any more, so I say fine. Why force her? And the only way I will permit her back into the house is if she agrees to follow the household rules, respect me and my son, apologize and actually convince us she wants to be part of the family.

My husband doesn’t want her to leave, but I think he realizes it isn’t working and there’s no choice but to send her back to Washington.

I’ve been telling him that it’s not his fault that this girl is so messed up. Her biological mother didn’t want him in her life, and the girl’s maternal grandmother didn’t want him around either. It’s a shame what happened to her, but the only thing he should regret is not using a condom.

So, at least she’s gone now and my living room isn’t a constant mess from her sleeping in there.

My DH has been talking to SD14‘s half sister who's a college student about SD14 moving back to Washington to live with her and providing child support payments. It’s not the best situation but at least she would be out of our lives.

I’ve so relieved.

Things are still tense around the house and I know my husband is upset. I’m afraid he’s going to blame me for driving away his daughter, but I know I’m doing the right thing for my family and putting them and my marriage first.

Again, I appreciate the support I’ve found on here. This is a difficult time for my family, and it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t had stepfamily issues to really understand.


Auteur's picture

Yeah but she's "well" enough and "perky" enough to get on the real estate sites and start plugging in information that she shouldn't. It's all an act of manipulation like all kids and ESPECIALLY those who know they can play the "non-intact/nuclear family" card.

"the only thing he should regret is not using a condom."

That needs to be my new tag line. WELL PUT!!

Auteur's picture

Yes but you did it AT THE DIRECTION of your PARENTS you didn't USURP them which is what skids LOVE to do. Most skids have "adult spousal status" wherein they think they are equal to their mom and above their dad and SM.

See the difference?

frustrated-mom's picture

Let me clarify that it was SD’s decision to leave. She was the one who blew up, got SS8 to call his mom and got their mom to take the boys home early and take her with them.

She keeps saying she want to leave and doesn’t want to live with us - all for the big reaction and theatrics. Finally - if that’s what she wants, that’s what she gets.

If she wants to return to our home, she’s free to do so. But there are very reasonable conditions: agree to follow the rules, respect me and actually act like she wants to be part of the family.

Odds are, she will never agree to those very simple things. The only person she’s hurting is her dad, who feels horrible over the whole situation.

But her only concern about moving back to Washington isn’t whether or dad will visit or if she can fly back here to see her dad. No. All she cares about is not being able to see her two half-brothers and whether they will be able to visit her in Washington if she moves back to live with her older half-sister.

meme49's picture

Sorry you seem angry at her and cross all she’s interested is in seeing her 1/2 brothers and it her dad well that is because her dad let her down and she’s again been let down by him. Please stop making excuses for him. 

Je should of gone to court to fight for her she is rebelling she’s 14 so she is angry upset and frightened she’s only 14 

Shes the child he’s the adult he needs to do all he can to ahownher she is loved and wanted it’s nit her responsibility to make him feel good about himself 

yes of course she needs to abide by house rules but are they reasonable expectations and she has a lot of adjusting to do.


i fo think you should encourage your husband to be the dad he’s not been - he you say was stopped for whatever reason now he has the only chance left to show his little girl he loves her and wants her and you have to help him or walk away.

meme49's picture

Hi sorry you are struggling havhng SD living with you BUT she is a child and parents have to put they’re child before they’re spouse - of hou can’t have her live with you - you shouldn’t make your husband choose you over his own child it doesn’t make any difference in the circumstances as to why his child hasn’t been part of his life that’s not her fault he could of gone to court and made she she was part of his life couldn’t he.

this is a child she is 14 and I know how you feel as I have my SD12 live with me and her dad is the laziest man leaving me to all her care and all the house care but I’d never say his SD needs to live else where without her dad it’s his responsibility to bring her up for the next 6-10 years to make up for not trying harder before.

if you can’t cope with her then you have to seriously live apart from your husband and your SD and allow him to be her dad as you say he was stopped before well he is being stopped again.

you aren’t cinsidering this child’s mental health she’s been through such a bad time already. She is a child she doesn’t think the same way as you and I and she needs to feel wanted and loved.

sadly we marry men than things can change so if we can’t deal with them we have to be the adults and either live separately or let the men move on with they’re children 

yiur child may seem impossible to live with for your husband he won’t say that or you won’t think so but step parenting as we can see on here can feel alien to lots people can you imagine your husband telling you your child has to go live somewhere else ?

you say SD choose to leave no you pushed her to leave and there’s a difference she can see and feel how much you dislike her.


maybe look at it differently she’s a child she’s been through abandonment with her dad he didn’t fight to see her she doesn’t see it that he was made to stop he owes her big time.


sorry for any typos doing this in iPhone without glasses