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I Won’t Do What DH Wants, So He Gets His Ex-Wife To Do It?!?!

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 9:50pm

I’m absolutely livid at H (he does not get a “D”). To recap, last night we had a massive argument about his daughter. He wants to waste a ton of money to fly her down her and let her stay here while his grandma will be visiting next month.

He knows how I feel about this and I’ve made it perfectly clear that his daughter is not welcome in my house until she apologizes and agrees to sign the Home Rules Contract.

Instead of stepping up and parenting his brat, H called his ex-wife (not the BM of SD15 who’s an illegitimate mistake who never should have been born, but the BM of his two boys) and asked if SD15 can stay with her family. Of course she said yes just to piss me off.

His ex wanted even less to do with SD15 than I do when she was married to H, so the idea that she would play the sympathetic ex-stepmom is ludicrous. She hates the little bitch as much as I do.

I don’t even understand the point. What good is it if SD15 is at his ex’s when I still will not let her step foot in my home?

I have no idea what I’m going to do if H’s grandma is here and H goes and picks up the boys with SD15 and brings her here.

H is sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable future after pulling this kind of crap behind my back.

Comments

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 11:11pm

DH’s grandmother wouldn’t care a bit if SD15 is there. She’d probably prefer she wasn’t. SD15 has meet her 3 times probably. It’s not like she’s considered a great-grandchild.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 10:09pm

Omg!!! Oh dear lord, what is he doing??? Im so sorry your DH doesnt understand boundaries!! Id be livid too!! I dont know what led to the problem with your SD, but trust me, I feel for you & I personally know how it feels when the steps disrespect you in your own home, amd admire you for standing up for your well earned place/respect on YOUR own home!!! Your DH needs to stand up for YOU!!! Good for you!! Your DH is being a coward!!!! & MAJORLY crossed boundries with his ex wife!!!!!

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 10:14pm

I wanted to add this: when DH & I saw a counselor, she said we should do a parenting contract & have all the kids sign. Did someone suggest this to you as well? And is your DH just ignoring it after the fact? Did your DH agree to the contract & back out/ mot support you??

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 11:11pm

After all the problems with SD15 last summer, I put together the Home Rules Contract to address the issues we were having. SD15‘s therapists are all too brain-dead to suggest something so practical. DH agreed with me then that it was a good idea but has backed out now.

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 10:14pm

I wanted to add this: when DH & I saw a counselor, she said we should do a parenting contract & have all the kids sign. Did someone suggest this to you as well? And is your DH just ignoring it after the fact? Did your DH agree to the contract & back out/ mot support you??

sillychick21's picture

Submitted by sillychick21 on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 10:57pm

Hell yeah!! He crossed boundaries....If all the other kids signed the contract so should she...but I also agree that your the adult in this situation...Be all over DH's ass especially if he knows the situation and with the crap he pulled...

3littlemonkeys's picture

Submitted by 3littlemonkeys on Thu, 02/16/2012 - 11:51pm

Seriously, what are you pissed about?

You TOLD Dh that HIS child wasn't allowed in YOUR home.

He wants to see his kid (understandably.)

He makes plans that DON'T INCLUDE HIS KID COMING TO YOUR HOME, and you're still pissed. Well, he's just damned if he doesn and damned if he doesn't, isn't he?

I told my DH his kid wasn't allowed in my home. Then I recanted because this is OUR home.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 7:12am

I agree with you not allowing her back in your home, but you can't keep her out of someone else's house.

I wonder if he's planning to have his grandmother and the 3 kids hang out together at the ex's house.

thefunmommy's picture

Submitted by thefunmommy on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 9:37am

It's not like she's asking too much to let SD back into the house. An apology and a signature. If SD won't sign a piece of paper saying she'll behave like a decent human being, then that's her own choice. She's old enough to know how to behave. If she won't, then why should frustrated be forced to have this in her own home?

bostoni's picture

Submitted by bostoni on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 2:07pm

frustrated-mom isn't being forced to have the girl in own home. Her husband wants the daughter to stay at someone else's house entirely. FM is upset because she's not being allowed to control the entire situation.

FWIW I'm 100% in favor of having a say in who does or doesn't stay at your own home. But this isn't FM's "own home" that we're talking about in this update.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 9:40am

Hell no!!! She was completely within her right to ban her from her home. My SD15 is banned from mine. She has to do a huge mea culpa to come near me or my sons and I include my SS in that.

I do think however if the ex is willing to let her stay there, that is fine. He needed another option and she provided it. You can't fault her or him for that. He has a right to look at another alternative for his child. But, you are completely within your right to not allow her in your house. You just can't dictate where she goes instead.

Let this one go and be glad she is not coming to you house....

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 9:49am

I don't see why it is NOT within her rights to ban this child from her home. She is protecting her OWN child. Just because the other child is older and a "poor COD" (tm), doesn't mean that child is ANY more important than the child she is protecting.

So, she is supposed to take the chance that her OWN child is taken away because she happened to marry a piss-poor father who chose a piss-poor mother to have a previous family with?

bostoni's picture

Submitted by bostoni on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 2:03pm

I don't understand why you're upset. You don't want SD15 staying at your house. Sounds like you have a good reason for that. Ok, so your DH isn't pushing it. But now you're upset that she's staying at someone ELSE'S house?

You can't control everyone and everything. And he's on the couch for this? Does your husband have no rights whatsoever in "YOUR" house?

Also, I don't know the situation but I highly doubt that your DH's ex is letting the girl stay with them to piss you off. Seems a bit paranoid to even suspect that. It's really, really not all about you.

I hope you're able to get some peace about all this.

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 8:37pm

I'm upset because I know where this is leading and my H knows how strongly I feel about this and is continuing to allow this girl to be disrespectful.

I expect him to stand up for me. He isn't.

His grandma is going to be staying with us, not his ex-wife. The boys will be here, not there. What good is it if that girl is at his ex-wife's? He's going to end up bringing her here. Then I have to decide whether I'm going to make a big deal about it.

Ommy's picture

Submitted by Ommy on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 6:11pm

That isnt the point of why she is mad. She is mad because he went to his ex-wife (not the SD's BM but the ex-step mom). He went to someone that has no right to be involved in the situation.

Think about it this way. Your husband has been married 3 times. BM#1 and BM#2 and you. BM#1 has a daughter that has been disrespectful and rude to you, daughter has to say she is sorry and sign the house rules to come back. Husband decides fine my daughter isnt allowed over I will go to BM#2 and she will take her. BM#2 is the ex-stepmother. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO BE INVOLVED IN THE FAMILY SITUATION THAT IS HAPPENING WITH SD. SHE IS HIS EX_WIFE!!!! I WOULD BE PISSED!!!!

SD is not BM#2's daughter or stepdaughter and she has no right to step in on the family situation.

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 8:41pm

To be clear, BM#1 was never married to my H. She was a drunken hookup he barely knew. They had no relationship. He's only been married twice. But I do agree with you. His ex-wife is relatively sane and not a crazy BM, but she does seem to enjoy stirring up trouble here. She could have said no and stayed out of it.

bostoni's picture

Submitted by bostoni on Fri, 02/17/2012 - 7:12pm

I can sympathize with frustrated-mom. But that still doesn't mean that she has a right to control this entire situation.

The husband has a right to invite his daughter to the vicinity of their town so she can spend time with him and his grandma. His daughter has a right to come and see her blood relatives. Grandmother has a right to see her great-granddaughter. The ex-wife has a right to say "ok, I'll do this favor for you" to her ex-husband.

You know what I mean? ALL of these people have a right to do what they're doing. Including frustrated-mom. Nobody is insisting that frustrated-mom do anything that she's not willing to do and nobody is trying to encrouch on her home without her consent. She has no right to dictate what everyone else does, period.

bostoni's picture

Submitted by bostoni on Mon, 02/20/2012 - 8:59am

"I expect him to stand up for me. He isn't."

Ok....this I do understand more. It sounded more like a control issue, but I get wanting your husband to stand up for you.