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The Green-Eyed Monster

frustrated-mom's picture

The root of a lot of the problems with my stepfamily situation - jealousy.

DH is jealous that his boys’ stepfather spends more time with them than he does and that their stepfather is the one helping them with homework and going to their sports games and Cub Scouts activities and not him. (DH has them every other weekend) He can’t be happy that the boys have a father figure in their lives. He can only be insanely jealous that isn’t him and his boys aren’t going to remember their dad doing things like teaching them to pitch but their stepdad doing that instead.

The boys (SS7 and SS9) get jealous of anything DH does with my DS13 (his SS) who lives with us full time. It doesn’t matter what it is. Anything “special” they get left out of drives them crazy.

For example, a few years ago DH, my DS and I went to see the Nutcracker. When the boys heard about it, they whined and whined about DH going somewhere without taking them. It was the ballet for pete’s sake! He offered to take them the next year but when they found out what it was, they didn’t want to go. But still they rant about all the things DH does with my DS. Of course DH spends more time with him and we go and do things as a family without the boys when DS is here all the time.

My DS gets jealous of all the attention his stepbrothers get when they’re here and how much time is spent on them, especially taking them to games and activities. DH’s boys are athletes. DS is not. He’s overweight and would rather play video games than baseball. I know it bothers him how much DH favors his boys over him.

With the kids, it’s impossible to treat them equally with some kids here full-time an others only here a few weeks a year. Unfortunately, life is unfair. There is only so much time in a day.

I won’t even get into the issues with SD15 who’s jealous of all the time that DH spends with his other kids and not her. She always comes up with accusations like “You love Frustrated-Mom and her son more than me” or “You love SS7 and SS9 more than me”. The truth is, yes, he does and he honestly wishes she had been given up for adoption.

There isn’t a solution other than teaching kids that unfortunately life isn’t fair, you can’t get what you want and some times you have to suck it up and be disappointed. Even DH hasn’t learned that yet.

Comments

checkedoutsm's picture

I agree frustrated mom, you have to start telling kids life isn't fair and help them learn to get past these disappointments. One day I took my gang to get slushies. Well, the one with diabetes could only have the one flavor that comes in diet and then the baby started crying because he didn't have one. And he isn't even old enough to crawl, so he can't have a slushie. You can't always make life fair or balance things out. It wouldn't be fair to the other kids to not get slushies ever because the baby will cry or their brother with diabetes will feel left out.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I know! when SD7 gets parcels from her grandparents and mine doesn't I tell them that sometimes they get things from other people that she doesn't get.So , unless one person gets constantly extremely more than the others, that's life.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Knuckel and Bluebelle,huh??????where does the poster say all those things that you interprete here??
All I can read here is a desciption of the dynamics in her house and how there is jealousy between the children and her DH towards the kids sdad.
I don't see one of the things about wanting him to give up his kids for her son!!!!!!!
I really wonder where you have that from.And also why you have to be so judgemental.

knucklehead's picture

Not this time.
It's called:
R.E.A.D.I.N.G.
That's how I got that info. Smile

bi's picture

i can read perfectly fine. i just don't commit every single detail of every single blog to memory. that seems more like obsession than reading.

knucklehead's picture

Obsession?
Because I can read and retain?

Bwahahahahaha, thanks for the Monday morning guffaw!

bi's picture

call it what you want, doesn't matter to me. i don't read a blog and know exactly what that person said x days ago in another blog and instantly provide a link to prove my point as some others on here do. i can read and retain, thanks. it's not my cup of tea to read and retain every detail of someone else's blog. if that's what you want to do, then by all means, have at it. i just find it odd.

knucklehead's picture

You can also click on "so and so's blogs" under the entry to read history.
Sometimes, not all the time, I do that so I can make an better informed comment. Sometimes just taking what is simply at face value gives an inaccurate picture of the situation.

I'll admit, I don't remember every detail of everyone's blogs. But I can read previous entries. Smile

But instead, you referred to it as being "projection..."

bi's picture

it amazes how much you remember and how quickly you can find the right blog to reference to "prove" your point. it's almost creepy...

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Wth is wrong with u knuckle and blue??!!!

Esp YOU KNUCKLE!!! Where in the Hell has she ever said she wants her DH to give up and abandon his kids??? She gave a equal and fair description on how each SS and even her OWN son are jealous over DH. What each one misses out on with their biodads and stepdads. She even called her son over weight and didn't say anything negative about SSs other than they whine. So i don't see how in the Hell you interpreted what you did.

I honestly cannot believe I had your back the other day and I got complete shit from everyone for it. Aftet that Bullshit blog you put up on the judgmental ways, bullying, negative comments, cruel words, ect that are going on here and how much it bothers you and then ur guna go and completely bash someone??!!!! And then to top it off everything you said in your above bs cruel comment to Frustrated was completely made up shit that you pulled out of your ass. I'm sorry but I don't take to kindly to fake, manipulative, hypocritical ppl. What a joke. Now if you had a right to say what you did, I wouldn't have said a word. But everything you said was complete crap. That's ok bc I totally thought from your anti bullying/ anti put down blog the other day that you wouldn't have done what you did to Frustrated right now. But that's ok. I guess you totally CREWed me on that one. CREW me once shame on you. CREW me twice?? Haha never. }:)

Disneyfan's picture

Knuckle and Blue are right. What they posted isn't crap or stuff they just pulled out of the air. The OP has said those things.

She said her ex walked away from her son and both ex and DS are OK with that. She said if her husband would make the same choice, he and his sons will be OK as well. She wants her husband to be just fine with his EOWE visits because the SSs have a SF who is very involved in their lives.

OP, your husband does not want a replacement son, he has two of his own. He doesn't want to sit back and watch someone else play daddy to his kids. He wants to be more than a source of money. He wants to parent his kids.

bi's picture

jealousy is exactly what the problem is. i have never understood why sd19 is so jealous of me. we have totally different roles in fdh's life. she will never be his SO no matter what. i have no desire to be fathered by him. he's only 5 years older than me, if i wanted a daddy, i would have found someone older.

sd is jealous of my relationship with fdh. she's jealous of bd's relationship with me. i think she's jealous that bs4 has had his daddy in his life every day from conception on and she didn't. i think she's jealous of my kids because i am a mother to them and bm wasn't really a mother to her. for cripe sakes, she was even jealous that the damn dog might like me!

at 19 it might be time to grow up and get a grip. especially since you deliberately got pregnant. more important things to worry about now than how much dad loves sm or how much more time bs gets with him than she did.

aggravated1's picture

No, I won't remove it. I don't care if you post or not, but I am pointing out that my perspective is different from yours. Whether you think it is relevant is of no concern to me.

He petered out, eventually. I knew he would, and I asked him not to bother, because the kids were the ones who would eventually end up hurt by it and that is exactly what happened.

aggravated1's picture

Right? LOL, I think she was so intent on making out OP was wrong she didn't even bother to get her facts straight on the person she was talking to. Not haveing an open mind will cause that. Smile

bi's picture

how is it that you know every single detail about a person based on a few blogs? either you have an incredible ability to psychoanalyze words, or you're just full of it.

aggravated1's picture

HRNYC,

Who are you talking to? I hope not me, because this most certainly is not my case. If so, you are more delusional that ordinary.

twopines's picture

HRNYC, what does getting divorced have to do with finding a dad? That's just silly.

knucklehead's picture

OP had a baby with man #1.
She later married man #2.
Man #1 disappears, doesn't want to be a father.
She wants man #2 to step in and be daddy.
What happens if she divorces man #2?
Look for man #3 and want HIM to be daddy?

The idea is that the mom and son stay a 'family' but the male contributor is a floating variable. All depends on who she is "with" at the time.

I can follow the logic.

aggravated1's picture

Knucklehead,

HRNYC responsed to me assuming she had a clue about my situation, which she does not. She wasn's responding to OP, she was responding to me, and didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

I wonder what sort of world you live in where you assume that someone whose second husband becomes a father figure to her children is a bad thing? Sad, really. Plus, you make it sound like OP is some sort of whore who determines her life by who she is "with" at the time. That is offensive.

knucklehead's picture

I don't assume it's a bad thing. And it's not sad. My DH has offered to adopt my bios. Matter of fact, he just took DS17 shopping for a suit for prom yesterday.
I made no such assumptions. Seems like you did.

aggravated1's picture

"What happens if she divorces man #2?
Look for man #3 and want HIM to be daddy?"

So what will you do, when you divorce man #2? Will #3 get to do the wedding shopping?
Sounds like you are a lot like OP. Maybe that's why it is hitting such a nerve.

bi's picture

that's all you're gonna hear. she never responds to being called out. she leaves her generic and broad insult and disappears to another blog to do the same thing there. i don't know if she does it to be annoying or if she is really just too busy leaving insults everywhere to visit the same blog twice.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Draco, yes!!!!!!! hahahahha.All of my kids do that but especially SD7!!
It's called manpulation and serves the purpose to get more and better things and activities and raise the guilt in both parents BIG TIME.Works so well , especially for kids from divorced families.

bulletproof's picture

This is the issue that BM has with me. Custody is 50/50, I choose to support SS7 and be a parent to him, she chooses to work all the time because of her horrid financial decisions. She is in turn jealous and insecure because she sees what I do and has in turn become a Disneyland Mom and has started to teach SS7 to dislike me. We have seen the effects of those efforts since the beginning of this year.

I wonder if your DH feels so defeated that he feels like he can't do anything to even compete (for lack of a better word) with the SF. When DH's kids look back on their lives, they'll understand that your DH couldn't help the custody situation (assuming he can't). But if they look at what their SF and what their BF did for them and have no logical explanation for their BF not doing things with them, that may cause issues.

If your DH is doing what he can to be involved and he honestly can't do anything else because of the circumstances, there has to be some level of acceptance of the situation on his part. But if he feels defeated and is therefore throwing in the towel, so to speak, because he feels he is too far in the hole to make it up, that is a different story.

I agree with you that jealousy is a lot of the problem with blended households. Every time I think of this, I am reminded that this is the exact reason divorce was never supposed to happen. But that is for a different post Smile

Sita Tara's picture

So back to the OP...

This is one of those nature of the beast kind of things I think. We had SD full time for two years or so and BM faded more and more- taking travel nursing jobs, tho honestly I don't think she was always traveling or working but it was what it was. My sons went back and forth and a lot of my energy was focused on SD and her issues. It's just very hard to find balance. And it is so difficult to ever feel like you can balance it all as parents.

I feel now...

that we have to stop having that expectation that it will ever be balanced and fair. I mean most bio families aren't either. Kids think their sibling is the favorite, the black sheep etc. That's how we grew up -those of us whose nuclear family were intact.

I wish I had a solution to offer. I don't other than to be present for the kids are they are with you. And it sounds like you are both doing that. Smile

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I am glad and grateful about BM being actually a rather good parent for SD7 .I don't feel I have to make up for any deficencies.All I want to learn is to cope with the frustration that step parenting brings into our relationship.I don't need to learn how to mother or love SD. But I don't want to resent her and feel angry at SO when he overbabies her.I also dont want SO to be my kids father- once again- I am grateful that my three have a slightly crazy but decent dad.So is very caring towards them though and further ahead in getting the step parenting right than me sometimes.
If I wouldnt have their dad being a part of their lives I think it would be natural to hope that SO and the children would have a more parent-child like bond.As we all know being Step moms and/or Birthmoms, that rarely happens though , but there is nothing wrong wishing for it.
Thanks god we don't share any kids between us, I think I would not cope if SO would put SD7 over the baby.
But that he feels closer to his child than to my children is normal- I feel the same.
I think that some of the things here said towards the OP are unfair, regardless what she may have posted in the past.Especially saying that she is only looking for a husband to play dad for her son.Who are you that you judge her to be reduced to that?How can you know that she is not a loving and caring wife like we all try to be.
Anyway, what strikes me is that I always assumed I already spend too much time here , but some people seem to spend all their time researching and psychoanalizing others in creepy details.I agree with that person who called that projection...there is really no other explanation.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

First off when I made my comment the only ones up were knuckles,blues and once. Therefore I didnt see everything that was posted after. But thank you knuckle, I can read just fine. Also, OP said she wants her DH to be ok with the eow with his kids and be ok with stepdad being the primary male role. Sorry, but thats just facing the truth. That is how it is. Either her DH can accept how things are or continue making their lives miserable by complaining about a situation that is out of his hands. On another note knuckle, you just proved my point about you again. Its ok for you dh to play daddy to your kids and not their actual biodad but its not ok for the op?? Either way everything you have commented was an attack against the OP and here you are ganging up on her and others after your antibully BS blog. Hypocrite much?? Like I said I had your back on that blog just to see a day later that you are a negative, cruel bully yourself. I got CREWed by you. Its all good. But now I know your intentions here are not how you play them to be.

Oh and HRNYC likes to do exactly that. I have called her out many times for her attacking people and she never responds. She likes to stir up drama and then.bounce when things dont go the way she likes.

ms.blessed.n.distressed's picture

Oncechoose- EXACTLY!!!!^^^^^

What some of you said was just harsh. I really feel that what knuckle said ESP in her first comment was highly uncalled for. Idc what she said in previous blogs. Although some of what you said was true, I feel you twisted, manipulated her words up. You took her feelings in past blogs and projected your interpretation of them here in a very judgemental and offensive way. OP never said anything to deserve the attack you took on her or the way you degraded her as a mother, wife, stepmom and person.

There are so many people here that have said way way worse things. Everyone here at some point has said or wished that their skids never existed or that they would just go away for good. The OP didn't even go as far as to say that. Ive heard people on her call their toddler SDs the spawn of satan, ugly, ect. Ive heard stepparents say their skids arent even allowed in their home. Ive heard stepparents here say all kinds of things. But never have I seen them be attacked like you did OP. That is why I have a problem with what you said. This is not a place where you judge, belittle, degrade, ect a stepmom for expressing her feelings. This is supposed to be a place where you can talk about your deepest, darkest feelings about your blended family situations and the people in it without having to worry about someone judging you. Half the time we are just speaking out of anger and would never act or allow half the stuff we say to actually happen. Its called venting.

After you told your family situation knuckle and it clearly showed similarities to the OPs life... I really wonder what it was that made you go off.. Maybe you are jealous of the OP for whatever reason idk yet...

oncechoosetosmile's picture

yep,blessed!!!!very weird, agree, but it gives them some satisfaction as it seems.Hope OP is ok and doesn't stop posting.(shaking head in disbelief)