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Needy Skids!

Frmom_SL's picture

Does anyone else have skids that are SUPER needy towards their non-custodial parent?

I'm trying to not get annoyed and look at it from the kids viewpoint that maybe he misses his dad, but I'm struggling a bit with this since SO won't do anything.

Although stepson(almost 15) lives with his mother and only visits every other weekend as well as 1 night a week during the school year, whenever he wants or needs something, he texts dad, constantly!

Kid is sick, text dad....kid needs help with homework, text dad....kid wants something, text dad. Where the hell is mom and why isn't she helping? This goes on nearly every night! I also think its just neediness because he could just as easily google help with homework rather than have an hour long text session with dad everyday!

Of course SO doesn't care since he loves to hear from his little ones.

Does the neediness ever stop? Any age to look forward to this going away? I know there has to come to an age or point where the kids don't want to constantly be up dad's butt right? LOL

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

That's not necessarily neediness. I'd rather the SSs feel comfortable contacting my DH about homework and involving DH in their upbringing than ignore his existence. Really, if your DH and SS lived together, these same conversations would take place. Shorter, probably, since not being done via text. However, none of this sounds "needy" so much as "keeping relationship with Dad alive".

DaizyDuke's picture

I agree. At 15, my SS couldn't be bothered with DH and now, fast forward, SS is now 19 and a high school drop out, no job, no car, no skills, no nothing. BM seems to be perfectly fine with this and DH is simply tired of bending over backwards trying to help a kid who doesn't want to be helped, so unless SS contacts him (which he hasn't since SS birthday many months ago) DH has not contacted SS. I mean what do they even have to talk about at this point? So how's your job? Oh wait, no job. So how's school? Oh wait, no school. So how's life? Doesn't take long to discuss his level of whatever video game he's been playing and how many doobies he smoked yesterday. So really, what's left? :?

I know it's probably annoying and sure, I'd wonder too, why can't BM help him with this stuff? But I'd let this go. And be thankful that at 15, your SS still values a relationship with his dad.

Willow2010's picture

Agree with LD. Let this one go. And FYI...my SS is 24ish and still does this. It was annoying as all get out at first but then I realized it is his kid and he WANTS to have the contact. More power to them. IMHO

witch.hazel's picture

I don't think that sounds excessive. He is their father, so he ought to be there for them for at least an hour or so daily if he can. If he had remained in the same household with them, he'd be giving them at least that much attention. They are still minors.

I admit that it bugs me whenever I hear my SO talking to his daughter on the phone, even though I like the child. I don't know why- I understand that it gets to you, but your outlook on this is incorrect. Just try to find some way to keep busy doing something you enjoy when this happens.

Frmom_SL's picture

Thanks everyone for your opinions, however we will have to agree to disagree.

For those that said if they still lived together they would have this time, but the big key point is here is they do NOT still live together. If he HAD wanted to continue a daily routine with his kids to help with homework, chat about their day, be there whenever they needed something then they shouldn't have gotten divorced, or they could have just lived in the same house for the kids and raise them until they were grown. Things ARE different now and everyone needs to accept that. So yes, I do see it being needy that they just HAVE to talk to dad every day instead of dealing with their mother instead or oh, I don't know, actually having a teenage life of their own!?

But because they are not in that situation anymore, having the kids 1 night a week and every other weekend (plus half the summer and various days/ weeks when they are off school) makes up for all that time that they would otherwise have had daily, IMO. That is the time to catch up with each other, see how things are going, do fun things together, etc.

I actually don't mind a text here and there, but what I don't get is why it is everyday and that the kid can't go to his mother for anything. Its like he and his mother live in the same house but never talk to each other, instead the kid just stays in his room the entire time and wants to talk to dad only. Well dad is busy and has another life outside of kids as well now and they need to realize that. I can also definitely see the kid doing this on purpose to just try to drive a wedge between me and his father because of the jealousy factor.

But again, just my opinion on the matter. Obviously others disagree, as does SO. Thankfully we can come here to vent about it instead of blowing up on them.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Parenting is a 24/7 job whether the parent is physically there or not. If you're jealous of a kid texting his dad, then you need to do some soul-searching. Being physically unavailable doesn't mean he should only be available when it's convenient to his "new family" and "new life".

I'll agree that texting over dinner is rude or during events, but your DH needs to be the one to set an appropriate time to chat. If he doesn't, SS is going to text whenever. Plus, texting is slower than a phone call, so an hour of texting may actually only be 10-20 minutes of real conversation, which many parents have written in their CO after divorce.

Your DH has realistically three years left to leave a good impact on his son. Let him.

strugglingSM's picture

I actually would like it a little better if my SSs contacted DH more regularly. Instead they don't answer his calls or texts. I feel bad for him that they don't treat him like their dad by telling him things or just calling to say hi. The only time he hears from either of them is when they want him to pay for something.

Last year, after we discovered that neither one was handing in homework, DH called them every day to work on it over the phone. He loved it and one of the two kids loved it, too (the other one was kind of a pill about it, because BM felt threatened...even though she couldn't be bothered to work on the homework herself)...also, they both started handing in their homework. Now, they either don't take his calls or tell him they have no homework. Then we log in online and seeing missing assignments for both of them.

Acratopotes's picture

I am with you..... SS is old enough to help himself, why keep on contacting Dad for crap...

I think it would me more tolerable if SS called and said honestly, Dad I miss you lets talk a bit.... then they can talk for an hour over the phone, or if a kid text jokes and they chat about normal day to day things on text....

Aergia lives now again with her father, but she only speaks to him or text him when she wants money, or when he's with me....
That's maybe why I understand your feeling... it's fighting for control, luckily since we got back together SO ignores her when he's with me, I asked him once why are you not answering.. he replied, she can wait till I'm at home...