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Is bm wrong

Frazzled2020's picture

So this is the update. 
DH and BM just agreed that they each had to tell each other 96hours before they left town with the kids, the addresses of where the kids would be staying and an itinerary 

We came to the town BM and DH are from with the SC. 
BM sent an email last night saying "text or call me when you get there" 

DH wasn't going to. SD has a cell and they call BM Sat @ 6 (we have them 48 hours) 

so BM texted DH this morning asking if they made it (aggressively and argumentatively) 

DH rolled his eyes and ignored it. 
so BM just called the phone and DH hands the phone to the SC and they both say "it isn't 6" DH says "if you want to talk to her you can answer it" 

so the SS answers "yes I'm alive..this is what we've done. This is where we are etc" 

I told DH personally that I think he needs to set boundaries and he needs to stick with them. 
The agreement doesn't say that they need to contact each other if arrival was accomplished. And this just takes away from DHs 48 hours that has had multiple texts and phone call from BM in less than 24 hours now. And that's not to mention her call at 6pm. 
I personally feel like he doesn't need to answer any texts or calls ever. 
their mediation paperwork says that they need to connect via email and text and calls are emergencies only
if everything wasn't an arguement with BM the texting wouldn't be a concern but she argues about everything and is narcissistic and shows a lot of parental alienation (other blogs) 

maybe I'm wrong but I feel like BM is doing this intentionally to take over our trip out of town to visit DH family. I want DH to set rules that are appropriate and to follow them. DH honestly thinks that he should just send her an email right now about the texting and phone calls. I told him I think that's a waste of time and to focus on the kids and he can email her after he drops the kids off but that I wouldn't even refer to the texts or calls from now on.


Frazzled2020's picture

My opinion to DH is that he no longer needs to text her at all. Only email. 
that he should t answer her phone calls unless her vm says it's an emergency 

ndc's picture

That would drive me nuts. Frankly, I wouldn't want DH to agree to 96 hour notice of leaving town, addresses and itinerary. None of BM's business, and what if you take a spur of the moment trip? Also, what constitutes out of town?

Your DH is as much a parent as BM, and he can parent no matter where he is. Why does BM need notice of where kids are going, where they're staying and what they'll be doing? DH doesn't become less of a parent or less competent because he's out of town. She doesn't need to know what he's doing, she doesn't need texts of where they're going (although if she requested I'd text her that skids have safely arrived after travel), and she doesn't need a lot of contact with skids on dad's time. Your DH needs much better boundaries.

Frazzled2020's picture

The lawyers were contacted this week by the BM requesting 96 hour notice and our lawyer said to agree because a judge would order it. 
the document said when, where, addresses, and itenerary. It said nothing about arriving safely. 
I totally understand in certain healthy relationships why communication is a positive thing. But in this instance. I think it's just a control factor. She texted multiple times, then called, and reached out to the SK. We went out of town last month and it was no issue. She doesn't tell DH that they make it out of town, nor does she answer calls or texts without "per our agreement..." type of stuff 

ndc's picture

Wow, that's crazy.  Are there at least limits on what constitutes "going out of town?"  My DH and I routinely go to my parents' house, which is a little over an hour away but in another state.  There is no way we would ever agree to give BM notice, especially 96 hours notice, since we don't always know when we're going.   Your BM sounds like a huge control freak who should be largely ignored as long as it doesn't violate the CO.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think I'd enjoy maliciously complying with BM's demand. Call her each and every time you may possibly be leaving the boundaries of your town. Oh, the possibilities!

Winterglow's picture

Yes! And an update every 10 miles along the way   *biggrin*

I reckon you'd only have to do it for the first trip ...

Felicity0224's picture

Yeah she's almost definitely trying to ruin your trip. I would ignore her completely and just let her wait until the scheduled call time. Every time your DH answers or responds in any way, it reinforces her behavior. She'll do the same thing the next time y'all go out of town. 

Frazzled2020's picture


I thought the same thing! Hence why after we received a call I told him, even if he hands the phone to the kids, he just enabled her behavior. 

Disneyfan's picture

There shouldn't be a need for a CO to state that one parent should let the other parent know they have arrived at their destination safety.   In my opinion that just a common, decent thing to do.

Regardless of the tension between the parents, I think most normal parents would pray for safe travels. A quick 10 second text (We have arrived, the kids will call you at 6) isn't taking time away from or interfering with dad's time with the kids.

I always had my son call his dad when we traveled.  His dad or SM would have him call me they traveled.   It never occurred to any of us NOT to do this.


I just reread the OP and see that the kid has a cell phone.  In that case they should be responsible for texting mom or dad when they arrive at a destination.   That parent's response should be a quick- great, have a wonderful time.


Frazzled2020's picture

Correct. It should be enough that the SD tells the BM that we arrived but the BM wanted DH to do it. And it isn't a "great have a safe trip" it's "what's the plan. What are you up to. Your brother and sister miss you so much. Your animals miss you. Can't wait to see you" 

it isn't healthy. In a healthy situation, I agree to a lot of what you said. Unfortunately, this is far from healthy. 

tog redux's picture

Just have the skids text her and say they got there safely. Then ignore the rest. Yes, BM is threatened by you guys having fun with the skids and wants to take away from that.

Thisisnotus's picture

Have the kids install life 360 and call it a day.

The past couple of vacations dh let Bm know months in advance so she had months to do anything she could to ruin it. 

simifan's picture


This agreement is over reaching if you ask me. That means no quick weekend get aways. And regardless of schedule, BM does not need an itinerary. Personally, every week I'd send her a "we might go here, just wanted to be in compliance..." message, but I'm petty like that. 


Frazzled2020's picture

We only have them EOW and for Christmas we told the skids we were going on mini getaways instead of presents. We wanted to give them experiences instead of stuff.

We had already went to a trip away last month with no issue. BM (I think) seems to have an issue with DH family. I've seen emails and heard stories from DH family. I feel like because we were taking them there for the weekend it created a problem. 
not to mention she texted and called multiple times. 

I understand some people may think "just be civil. Text BM you arrived safely" etc. but BM isn't a nice person. She is a control freak. 

She calls the skids and tells them that (her other 2bio kids) "miss you so much and can't wait to see you" 


its 48 hours. DH goes 12 days without seeing them. 

she has complained about how a 6 hour drive is "so awful for MY kids" and how "you only think of yourself" 


but skids want to see their family. They enjoy the road trip. And it's important bonding, playing car games and spending quality time together. 

Steptotheright's picture

Context is everything. In a normal case I would say you know a throw away text to relieve her fears doesn't really matter. But if she's high conflict and she's just using this to foment drama, I completely understand your perspective.

Frazzled2020's picture

Unfortunately, speaking to her is conflict!! Haha. Texting or ignoring a message is all conflict