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Unsure If I will go back to counseling

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

counseling felt like a waste of time and money.


I like being disengaged from SD13. I like being polite and relaxed. I am able to be that way because I am emotionally disengaged from this child who steals from me.

Why should I pay a counselor to tell me what I’m doing wrong when she has already got the story wrong herself? I plan to discuss with DH. Honestly, the only reason my disengagement was interuppted was because DH did not address SD13’s theft. I did fine at keeping my emotions in check and my mouth closed until I thought she stole something else. I was getting better at it every visit.


Now Ive got this therapist saying “SD13 wants a better relationship with you. Here are 100 books I recommend on this topic.” WTFridge


rozzann's picture

I'm all about trying to disengage and would probably react the same as you in that situation.  I have NO tolerance for stealing, theft, lying.  None.  And I will come unglued tirelessly on DH if not addressed.  Don't care - these are unacceptable behaviors.

And screw the therapist and books - do what makes you happy and able to sleep at night without becoming a raging alcoholic.  Hell, you can even become a raging alcoholic as long as you are happy! Wink

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Haha this made me laugh. Thank you.

I am going to remain disengaged. I was figuring things out just fine. I know this situation far better than the counselor ever could, masters degree or not.

Harry's picture

To them ever or ever other week.  So it’s in there best interest to have you keeping coming back for appointments. Therapist are not going to say your DH is wrong, and never come back.  He going to say, you both don’t see thing the same way.  And let’s do something to burn more time and your money.  Keep a log of what happen. Time and date ect just to make money.

if she is stealing, it’s wrong, you don’t need twenty weeks of appointment to figure this out.  Because no one ever did anything about the stealing she will continue to do so. 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Abd the excuse that she is stealing from me because she wants to be closer to me is so shallow, imo. She steals because she has secret anger because she has been raised by BM.

tog redux's picture

I say this as a therapist - most therapists don't understand blended family issues, and they sure as HELL do not understand high -conflict mothers who put on a good front, nor do they believe that children will lie their faces off if they are enmeshed with a high-conflict mother. It's not that they just want to make money, it's that they

I may have missed something, but why are you attending these appointments anyway? You said BM wanted you to? At this point, you've said your piece, no need to go anymore.  Let DH deal with his stealing child and lying ex.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

The therapy got started back up again because i confronted SD13 on her theft. She has only been to see this therapist three times in the last two years. 

I went because DH had already went once. I was curious as to whether the therapist was worthwhile.  We wanted to tell our side of things and maybe get advice on how to handle the issues.

I think I will end up going just so I can be united with DH in this twisted nonsense. He told me to do whatever I feel comfortable doing. He doesn’t expect me to go or to reengage with SD.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you do decide to stop going to counseling, don't make it about you giving up, disengaging, or disliking the skid. Phrase it as you feeling that you DH needs to work on his relationship with skid first; that you support him doing so, and that since there's so many issues to be dealt with it makes sense to break it down and focus on fewer things at once. Fix one relationship at a time, yada yada. That way, you continue to detach and fade back while he deals with his baggage.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

i had a great talk with DH tonight about whether I would continue. He reminded me that I did nothing wrong in my relationship with SD13 and that no matter what I did this would be where we are because BM made SD choose between us. He also reminded me that he believes I made a difference to SD’s development and could continue to do so by simply being my happy self and providing an example. But he was also clear that he understands why I do not want to reengage and that it is perfectly reasonable and something he will support me on. 

It was a conversation I didnt have to pay for that made a heck of a lot bigger difference. 

Phrasing is so important and so is the level of emotion. By not yelling and getting emotional, I was able to explain my fears and then have them put to rest by the only other person who lives this pain like I do, my DH.

sammigirl's picture

StepTalk is the best therapy and it is free, with many friends.

Being disengaged doesn't  mean you cannot address problems that involve you.  Make a believer out of your SD and DH.   I did and it will give you greater peace.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

steptalk really is the best. I never even knew about disengagement til this forum.

notasm3's picture

So what if SD wants a “better relationship” with you.  You have no obligation to have any relationship with her except to be civil and polite.   You get to have a choice in who you connect with. 

My SS is dying to be back in my life.  We wants to take advantage of my lifestyle and assets. I chose to permanently remove him from my life.  I do not want a person like that in my life. My choice. 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

yes! This... I have to remember that I have a choice too. I don’t have to let guilt or a sense of ethical duty motivate me to choose something unhealthy for myself.

Ironically I have had a much better relationship with SD13 since I disengaged. When I slip out of disengagement, I worry for her and want to help her. This leads to “mother moments” and a feeling of hopelessness. Because she is not my territory. I am more like a school teacher who sets a good example, has rules and boundaries, but who has no real power over the children.