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SD13 Is Less And Less Little Girl I Used To Know

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

How many of you who had your skid around when they were younger, but now only have them EOW or just holidays, feel a tinge of sadness when you see how much the child continues to grow into a mini version of BM? 

I do. At least today I do. 

I’m not really talking about PAS. I’m talking about that potential to be a self-confident, creative individual being snuffed out by BM’s unending influence.

From SD13’s eating and hygiene habits, to her limited ability to communicate feelings, I see a child who is the fruit of emotional neglect and manipulation. It is so odd to see her fake smile, feel annoyed but also very sorry for her. It is, afterall, what she has been raised by.

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tog redux's picture

I've only known my SS since he was 10. But at 19, he's a whole lot less likeable than he was then.  He's a carbon copy of BM.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I feel like it is easier to ignore the progression for now. It is the little things that are the scariest, The expressions, the repeated quips, the idea that SD13 requires expensive things, etc. 

Once I remember SD13 saying something sassy and hateful,  but she did not seem to be intending it in either way. She just repeated something she felt was charming. Lol Her mother is most definitely not an example of genuine charm or personality. 

Poor kid. It is like growing up believing ketchup is french dressing, and someday wondering why nobody likes your cooking. 

 

tog redux's picture

I keep reminding myself that I'm the outsider in this family system, and for BM and her family, SS is probably a great kid - well versed in their family skills of lying and manipulating. 

He's not my kid, and I guess I can't be surprised he turned out like his mother. I'm a lot like my parents, luckily I got good ones.

I love dogs's picture

This made me think of our situation. SD fits into BM's family perfectly. The odd thing though: BM boasts about SD in public for image but judges SD and complains about everything she does behind closed doors. Then in public the things she gripes to SD about are "silly" and "quirky".

CLove's picture

I have an interesting study going on, Toxic Feral Eldest is much like her mother, Toxic Troll in personality. But less able to be fake in a likable way. Mucnhkin SD12 is much like her father in personality. She is friendly, lovable, sweet, trusting and always laughing and happy. She loves food, and has been showing an interest in baking. Unfortunately she looks a lot like her mother. When she is back at our place (we have 50/50), she will scowl and I know from experience that scowl comes from the mother.

Entitlement also is happening with Toxic Feral Eldest and her mother has always acted like H owes her something. Always demanding this or that, asking him to do for her. So tired of it! 

I am looking forward to munchkin growing up however, knowing that I have had some kind of influence. She tends to use my expressions 9sometimes against me in a funny way. LOL) And even started helping in the yard, playing with my trimmers! I am hoping that I can expand her world in a good and positive way, because her sister was always so limited. And her sister is a freaking nightmare.

TwoOfUs's picture

I was just talking with my in-laws about this over the weekend. We were staying with them and DH went to see a high school friend who was having a hard time...I stayed behind. 

His parents initiated the conversation...I would never strike up that topic with them. Even with them initiating, I choose my words very carefully and make sure to validate what they're saying without throwing DH and his kids under the bus. They're not wrong, though. They expressed to me that it feels like their grandkids are turning out just like BM and that they come around only when they want $$$...my MIL started crying talking about it. 

I was diplomatic, but I can see how they feel the way they feel. 

tog redux's picture

Yep. My in-laws haven't seen SS in 4.5 years. Thanks, BM. I'm not sure SS will see his grandmother again, ever, before she dies.

theoldredhen's picture

Hey, TwoOfUs,

Your husband's parents have been overspending on your 3 steps for so long that the kids have become conditioned to associate them  with $ and gifts.

My DH and I seldom buy anything for our grands but we take them on bike rides, to the park, on jaunts to the local zoo, on hikes or simply outdoors to play soccer, catch etc. Although these kids have 3 sets of grandparents, they always whine and complain when they have to leave Chez redhen to visit the other local grandparents. Hard to believe, when the other sets of GP's shower them with gifts.

I'm convinced that kids want your time and attention, rather than 'stuff' which will be forgotten in no time. I'm sorry for your MIL but, like too many grandparents, she's become a 'Disney' granny and is now recognizing that $ does not buy love.

agitated's picture

My SD16 has always lived with her dad. I've been around since she was 4. BM only gets her for the summer and alternating Xmas / Spring Breaks; not much time really. SD does not remember a time in her life that I wasn't with DH. SD is still more like BM than either me or DH. It's like they are prone to wanting to be more like the "fun" or "irresponsible" parent. SMH

Jcksjj's picture

I really think a lot of it is just random genetics, but for some reason when there is mental illness involved the degree to which they're like the crap parent seems to be higher.