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CS-Free Island, Ten Years’ Journey Away

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Ten years.  It will be 10 years before the financial responsibilities my DH has to SD will be overwith.  Until then it will be court every year with the ex-wife who will try and claim that DH  should pay her more money. 

 To me it is like paying for a car that you wrecked as soon as you drove away from the car dealership. It is beyond frustrating because you know that the money is going to support poor parenting and an attitude of entitlement.  Not to mention all of the lies attached. 

 So what can I do? I’ve already gotten into a yelling match with DH simply because this is emotional. And crappy. And I wish there was a way out of the courtroom dance and the email river of sludge from BM. I want her out of our lives. But that won’t happen.

 One silver lining in this whole situation is that if I make more money, BM cannot take me to court to get a piece of it.  One tactical response is that if I start making more money,  DH  could remain making the amount he makes now. Or he could make less. He could slow down for once. And she would get less, but we would still have the same standard of living.

I think I am smart enough to get a better job but my  flaw is that I lose hope in these types of situations.  I try to control things that I cannot and I get upset at the lies. 

 There have been times where I have not purchased things for my son because we have been short on money. Yet SD13 Visits us wearing brand new clothes that cost hundreds of dollars. That is where my anger comes from. I should remember that things don’t matter. Being there for my son and loving him is what matters. That is the great advantage in life.




Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Stop looking at CS as something you control. It’s a bill to be paid and that’s the end of it. I’m the one who “pays” SO's, meaning I go on and schedule the payment each payday. I don’t think about what it is and I just do it the same time I’m paying bills. After that what we have is what we have. What BM does with it isn’t our concern. We provide for our home and she hers.

As for court... That's your partner's concern, let him handle it. You can support him or just ignore it. If the issue is lawyer's fees then have him learn how to do the filing on his own... Really child support should be a simple formula that you plug in the numbers. Check how often your state allows things to be reconsidered. BM here can request SO finical info every year but they only revaluate every 3 years OR if there is a change of over 20%.

Now I realize one difference is we don’t have any other children involved but it doesn’t matter. It’s no different than your child being in class and some kid having more expensive clothes or shoes. You don’t get mad at that child’s parent? If one of your kids friends come over do you demand they not bring whatever because it’s not fair? Whose more upset? You or your kid? If it’s your kid teach them life’s not fair. Don’t get worked up about what you could afford if you didn’t pay child support…. Do you get mad because you have to pay rent and other people don’t?

beebeel's picture

I don't think the OP said anywhere that she thinks she can control CS. In fact, that's the problem. It's a huge ass monthly expense over which she has zero control. 

Being you just posted a blog about filing for bankruptcy, I'm surprised at the lack of empathy you displayed here.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I know logically that I have no control over it. But I need to get better at denying those emotions when they try to take over and convince me that I do have control. The truth is we are all healthy. We are warm in the winter and we have enough to eat. It is just nice to get on here and remember that we are not alone. Thank you

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

 Time is the resource that I am most concerned about. Money allows for that resource to be greater and better spent.  DH’s  Financial burden of an ex wife is the equivalent of having a part-time job that steals him away from precious family moments so that he can battle with her.  It is it and at the same time it isnt about the money.

Simpleton21's picture

If you had children involved you might understand the posters frustration more.  I get it.  I have 2 children that live with me full time.  SO pays CS for SD.  SD always has new everything and is spoiled rotten and comes over to my home that I pay for yet she gets a full time room devoted to her part time visits there b/c of the CO agreement while my children have to share and I foot most of the bill b/c SO can't afford anything b/c he is supplementing a home that doesn't really need supplementing.

Now, before anyone has a hissy fit I do agree that SO is responsible for his child but I think CS is calculated all wrong especially when most of these dads would gladly take the children more often and can't b/c of BM and then they have to pay her more on top of that....the system is flawed.  

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I absolutely agree that it is flawed. The system is set up so that it rewards liars and BM’s who do not have the best interest of their children at heart. They simply want to punish our DHs.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

My SD is here EOW. So that’s four days total, 2 nights. You bet DH and I have fought over the use of her bedroom. To me, it should be made into a neutral guest room, instead of bright pink. But I just choose to ignore the room entirely. If I have another baby, it WILL be the nursery and she will sleep on the couch.

Simpleton21's picture

That is my exact issue with this.  Why are we supplementing her home where she resides full time and has a room full time and I also have to give up my child that lives with me full time to accomodate a child that is there 4 nights a month!  

The system incentivises BMs to be high conflict and not actually do what is in the best interest of the child.  

beebeel's picture

I get it. CS can be a huge cause of resentment when it feels like you're the only one sacrificing to make sure it's paid before any other bill lest you want legal trouble. 

My advice? Stop sacrificing. I wish I had stopped doing that years before I finally did. That was years ago now and my journey to that special island is only 15 months away!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

all i can say is I vividly remember those days. Sds were 9 and 10 when I met dd4's dad and he paid out $1000 a month plus half of medical and a crap load of other stuff. She was always threatening to take him back to court for more more money and was / is abusive. The good news is it does end. Child support and the reign of terror. BM made good on her and took him back to court for more money after the oldest ad aged out. She really actually thought she was going to get even more than $1000 and the judge knocked it down to $480 and Gave him credit from when she filed. So he has only four months left and never had to put up with BM again. The threats and call were terrible and is all

coming to an end for him. But I remember how it was almost ten years ago. It sucks but I tell you it's glorious glorious glorious glorious when they lose their child support and have to get a job for their manicures 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

 I almost wish some of this money was being spent on making that terrible looking woman a bit less terrible looking. LOL  that would benefit all who had to put their eyes on her on a daily basis. 

pickles45's picture

My SO has 3 years and 9 months to go for paying CS AND Alimony!! And yes I am counting down the months. Luckily that is between him and his ex. I am not involved at all. I think if I ever found out how much he is giving that entitled lazy spoiled bitch my head would explode! (ex not his daughter) I cant wait for the day I am counting down to the last few months! Of course my fantasy is to be the one to had her the last alimony check but he would never let me! And knowing this bitch has a boyfriend that she will probably date for the next 4 years and then decide to marry him the second the alimony stops really pisses me off. Seriously how is some women get man after man to fall for their crap? That idiot will probably leave her a huge life insurance policy so she will continue to live high onthe hog her whole life! And I try not to resent my SO's daughter but the demons in my head every so often I think that she is 1/2 her mother! 

justmakingthebest's picture

I get it, CS is a pain in the butt. It really has been hitting me hard lately thinking that we are paying big bucks for a kid that is so PAS'ed out that there is little hopes for any relationship with him ever. Medical- Paid, CS paid, all the "extras"... well at least those have come to a crashing hault. 

My only solice is that at least alimony has ended. That was the thing that pissed me off more than anything else!

steppingback's picture

You can control that. Use it for your kid. That is your key to surviving the journey! Then on CS free island you will have a financial bonus! And lots of margaritas.

Paying child support was never an issue in our case. BM completely lost custody and was never ordered to pay child support. Yup, she was a peach. So, I have been helping to raise another woman's child, but at least we didn't have to pay her!!!!

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I bet the breeze is so nice on CS-Free Island.



Siemprematahari's picture

I understand how you feel with the CS. Just take comfort in knowing that your H is fulfilling his obligation to his child and no matter what happens BM or his daughter can't ever say he never assisted in supporting her financially. In my situation the CS clearly didn't always go to his daughter and many times she needed basics like clothes or shoes and she'd ask my H because her mother didn't supply her with that. There is no way in controlling what she does with the money and how its spent.

By law your H is doing his part and its all you can do. Continue creating a good and happy marriage with H and in time you'll get better at dealing with this CS dynamic. It's not easy but it will get better.

thinkthrice's picture

and this is the lowest it has been to date...$800 a month for the remaining two left.  CS goes to 21 and beyond here.  SD20 is not prepping to launch.  She dropped out of community college after the first few weeks and has quit her p/t local pizza joint job.   The Girhippo bought a food truck with CS, has remarried a six figure guy, works as a FOSTER PARENT COUNSELOR ( I kid you not, ) while YSS16 is prepping to be the next school shooter.   Chef hasnt seen either in a decade (thank GOD!  they were horrid monsters that even complete strangers in public were astonished by)

Its not like Chef is a white collar worker.   He's strictly blue collar and has never earned past $25 an hour, yet they can take $800 of PRE tax income away monthly.

The system is broken.    We have five more years to go.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Your money toward you and DS’ expenses. Not a penny toward SD or BM. It is fully BS your DS misses out on necessities!

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I didn’t even get SD13 a christmas present this year. I almost felt bad about it. But no... 

I feel this urge when we are getting along nicely and she is being kind to DS to buy her something. Little treats or a shirt or whatever. But I resist. 

Did I get credit for soending my money on her? No. The counselor never even heard about how I was the one who paid for SD13’s extra curricular activity when her mommy was too busy to care. Nah. I am saving my money for my boy or my dog.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I can empathise with the frustration and anger of seeing money go out the window on CS,especially when it appears that BM is a leech who squanders it.  However, it really saddens me when children (however horrible!) are viewed as a financial liability on the SP's part, a drain on the household expenses brought on by BM.

The bioparent (usually) has an obligation to maintain and support his child to 18 (sometimes beyond). If there are minor children involved, and you embark on a relationship, full disclosure of finances should be part of what you discuss. The post-involvement (marriage / relationship) resentment on the part of the SP is actually really uncalled for IMO. The financial obligation is that of your spouse: you were NEVER entitled to that money or have a say in how it is spent. It is not the child's fault if the other bioparent spends the money on nails, cigarettes or some other stupid expense. Look at your spouse for choosing to pro-create with an irresponsible idiot - whether in a loving marriage that went bust or in the infamous one night stand "she tricked him about birth control" rubbish bandied about, or whatever lies somewhere in between those extremes.     

I get it. I really do. I know people have every right to vent and be effing mad about the money going out the window... The problem it is an exercise in futility. That money was never yours and by having a child with someone else, your spouse chose to give away part of his pay cheque. The good news is you don't owe the other household a cent from yours. It is a poor consolation, but another pitfall of getting involved with people who have what I term "miscellaneous" children - as in "not mine". There literally is an inadvertent  price to be paid (by you) for being a stepparent...     

Raising a kid is hard. It is a huge financial expense. I don't think that CS even covers what a child needs in most cases, nevermind CS that is misspent by an irresponsible twat masquerading as the bioparent... I am a single parent (no CS coming in, no CS going out) and I know first hand how expensive my own kid is. Luckily for me, I am able to cover that expense on my own - that was part of the decision in looking at having a child: can I actually afford to raise one on my own if need be. Unfortuantely, when he was 4, I was placed in that very position.
Maybe instead of looking at the money your spouse/ partner is paying in CS as a gross violation of your finances,  see it as a commitment by a parent to standby their responsibilty they have to their child/ren. Instead of bashing or castigating your spouse for this, maybe it should be looked on in admiration because so many people can not care to even think where their child's next meal is coming from. Yes, CS drains your joint finances, but your spouse is not responsible for how that money is spent. His/her only obligation is to pay it, and hope that the person they had a child with spends it wisely. 
If not, the root of the problem is having had a child with an irresponsible moron...Welcome to that family. (And fuck no, I divorced that family...!!)

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I like what you are saying. It is a better way to look at it because it leads to less anger. I would have never gotten that money. It never belonged to me. 


I can say these things and not feel annoyed because I have chosen not to spend anymore of my money on SD13. I have also been figuring out what further education I’d like to commit to so I can have more of my own in the bank.

HowLongIsForever's picture

I don't resent (or otherwise feel negatively) about the child support SO pays.  They aren't my kids, it doesn't affect my household or my budgeting and it doesn't keep SO from pulling his weight. 

I am childless by choice, raised a member of the extended family right up into college (single, uncoupled, myself as the only provider) so I understand the resources necessary to bring a toddler up into productive society.  

What I get tripped up on is the entitlement factor.  Not from the children but the head of the other household. Going from the haves to the have-nots for a difficult, entitled whirlwind of chaos would be a kick in the teeth I think and I can understand the frustration.

Our BM is beyond fiscally irresponsible.  She makes enough money to live quite well.  She is doing much worse on much more than I ever did when raising a child (and he's a sophomore in college so we aren't talking decades ago). 

Add in the fact that SOs monthly support amount covers both her mortgage and car payment figures (or at least what they were) with a little left over, plus the support MIL provides to BM, and it's mind boggling.

She fought every step of the way when SO slowly increased his time to 50/50, admitting money was her main motivator coupled with a dash of bitter. She makes obnoxious, alienating comments to the older boy re: finances.  She is passive-aggressive to straight aggressive and right back at whiplash speed on a regular basis.  But she's an emotionally immature and irresponsible person, she can't see two feet in front of her own face.

I make about 75% of what SO makes.  I don't need a penny out of SO to maintain our lifestyle, nevermind mine alone.  Foreign concept for BM. 

She operates from a very entitled, delusional place.  I can't manage to be upset or angry about it.  Confused? Sure.  Entertaining in a judgmental sort of way? Sometimes.  But for the most part there's this big black hole (not to be confused with my heart) of who gives an ish peppered with little bits of pity.

She will always be there, skulking around in the shadows unfulfilled and unrequited.  Frankly I pity her for it.  

That aside, I will be happy for SO when the child support obligation comes to an end.  Dare I say I look forward to it.  Not because of the financial windfall it will be to our household and not because I think the exchange of resources is inherently unfair.  But because when he reaches the end of child support he also reaches the end of the legal tether to her.  At that point she can huff and puff and not blow the house in.  It'll be nice and absolutely worth celebrating.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

yes! This is what is frustrating.

It is the emails, the endless emails claiming “you owe more.” The tether. The ball and chain. Not so much the money like I originally thought.

BM is pitiful over here too. She makes three times as much money as us but any moment her kid buys a snickers bar she is sending a receipt to DH. “Bus fee for extra curricular—-please pay half in 30 days”

I mean, wtfridge... that is what CS is for! 

We have to constantly remind her...that is covered in CS. Or, DH has 30 days to pay % of med bills AFTER invoice is sent by you or office...not after you claim we owe you.  These women are such losers.