Went to counseling. With DH. Let DH lead. We were united.
I am shocked to say I felt counseling was worthwhile.
I do not believe SD13 is telling the counselor much beyond what her mother dearest has instructed her to say or carefully put into her head over months of manipulation. Nonetheless, I did get some tips on how to maintain my cool when dealing with a stone-faced adolescent who spies on me and craps on my kindness in a way that is so quiet, it can barely be addressed.
i want to meet with a therapist with higher credentials who will actually believe we are dealing with an NPD or something kind of mom. I want advice from that angle too.
The current therapist believes SD13 is emotionally delayed in her development. I agree with that. Therapist also said that she thinks I often think of SD13 as an adult and treat her as an adult. I immediately disagreed and said “No, what is happening there is I am recognizing that she is not acting as herself. She is acting her mother’s interests out on me. Spying. Stealing. Etc. and so the only way forward is to offer an adult consequence that will affect her mother because the mother is the instigator..like, well you lost the device I bought you? I guess you have to pay for them if you cant find it. (Because I know she hasnt lost them. She is LYING because she LIES often. Lo and behold, the device is miraculously located after a trip back to mom’s). Many of the therapist’s suggestions were to me very basic and things we have already tried. So that was lame.
One perplexing thing she said was for me to look at SD13 like she is my child. I said that would be a real challenge and instead I plan to look at her like I am a school teacher. I have influence but no real power or responsibility for her development because she spends most of her time with a psychopath who has no empathy. Well, maybe I didnt use those words exactly. Ha.
I said the school teacher thing though. I said, I need emotional boundaries to stay consistent when faced with such inconsistent behavior and personality from SD13. I said DH needs to offer discipline. Therapist agreed on both issues.
I still plan to continue following the advice from my father who urged me to NEVER be left alone in the house with SD13. If DH leaves, she goes with him.
But at least we know SD13 is actually talking to someone (the therapist) who isnt a nutjob. Well, we can hope.