You are here

Counseling

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

well counseling was today.

Generally disappointing as the counselor seems to have bought into BM’s sad sad nonsense. Hopefully I am mistaken. 

Therapist said SD13 steals for attention, lies for attention. Provide a “therapeutic environment...no yelling, recognize it as sickness, be patient and curious...Sibling rivalry”... Yadda yadda yadda. The same sort of easy narrative that I could read off of any forum. Therapist didn’t seem interested in recognizing that BM is a master manipulator and emotionally crippling SD13. Didn’t seem to find important that SD13 doesn’t discuss her mom. She spends most of her time with her mom now. So why do DH and I get all the credit for her increase in screwed up behavior? Lol

Felt disappointing. Next time I will be more organized and prepared with specific questions, so we don’t end up focusing on my emotions regarding screwed up BM or my relationship with DH. 

I don’t have much hope for SD13 growing into a mentally healthy adult. In fact, I expect her mother to encourage this “mental illness” as a way to keep SD13 sick and dependent on her. But DH and I are going to follow the therapist’s advice and do our best to provide good examples of how to be non-evil empathetic human beings. 

 

Me? As far as personal development, I’m sort of done trying to convince whoever I am a good and caring person who has been pushed into a deep sadness by BM’s lies and manipulation. Not to mention the rejection by SD13 after I’ve put so much effort and thought into her. I’m sort of done with the dramatic truth searches I engage in with DH in the hopes of helping SD13. What is the use of this truth? We already know it? What is the use of trying to convince everyone of it? The people who matter know what’s up. 

 

Ironically, due to the lies of BM, I feel more comfortable in my skin. I am free mentally. If I do my best to be my best self, what does it matter if I convince the world I am good? Again, why fight every day to convince fools of the truth. The truth is bigger and stronger than me. It can handle its own business without my help.

It is as if BM’s negative soul has fast-tracked my social maturation from “young and naive girl who wishes to have a good relationship with every face she meets” to “if you get me, you get me; if you don’t, no worries and bye bye.” DH and I are stronger than ever. On the same page again. United. It feels good. 

 

 

Comments

Harry's picture

beats up BM she will not come back.  counselor know BM controllers BD, if he tells BM off he will fail so he know he has to kiss BM a** to try to get any where in this process.  This puts you in a real bad place.  He can beat you up and you have to come back, and come back again ,and again.  I would not go, this is a no win in it for you.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

We plan go go four sessions so we can say we did our best and that we tried.

What you say makes sense and the situation is damn hopeless for kids with emotionally abusive parents like BM. 

Want2's picture

“It can handle its own business without my help.”

Oh my god that’s amazing. Just think how much pain and strife could be avoided if every struggling SP learned this simple yet powerful truth!!!

As for future counseling I think it’s right that the focus is on your emotions. Let the others deal with their own stuff. It sounds like you’re making great strides toward self improvement and what else is there really?

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I’d like to say I wake up thinking these freeing things, but man, it takes a lot of work to get there. Maybe I should write it on the walls or get a tattoo. Haha

tog redux's picture

Exactly. It's very hard not to get caught up in the enormous whirlwind of stress that goes with these situations. It takes conscious effort, over and over again, to not try to control these things that have such an enormous effect on your well-being and that of your spouse and a stepchild that you cared about. Recognizing what you do and don't have control over is not easy.

 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I just took about ten minutes to journal on my phone in detail how I feel. To sort of make my emotional plan for the day. My phone is the only journal I don’t have to worry about being stolen. It is truly private.

I think the counseling is a way for BM to drag me back into things. Disengagement was working great for me. I will stick to my gut and remain disengaged. Maybe every morning needs to begin with an emotional game plan. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, I was going to say that really, there is no need for you to participate in counseling at all, this is DH's issue to address.

Iamwoman's picture

If I were you, I would either not attend counseling, or at least try to say as little to nothing as possible.

Counselors are just people too. Most that I have met have no business advising others... I’m pretty sure that 90% of those in the industry are just scam artists that say whatever they think will keep you coming back as their client. This applies to what Harry said about the counselor catering to BM because she recognizes that BM is the key to return visits!

Answer all questions as quickly as possible or better yet, answer every question with a question. You can even use the old fall back line, “that’s an interesting question. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

DD15 has been stuck with a worthless CO counselor for 1.5 years now. Counselor never “saw any red flags with HCBD.” Counselor was even skeptical when DD obtained not one, but several pieces of video graphical evidence of the abuse she endured. Even after GAL removed HCBDs overnights, counselor continuously tries to get us (me, HCBD, and DD15... but not my DH nor HCBD’s wife) to “get together as a family.” I’m it really sure what counselors get out of these bizarre and twisted games, but it can be unsettling. I’ve often found myself to be the most grounded person in the session as counselor goes off on personal tangents. We know more about counselor’s life than she knows about ours. 

I tell you all this to demonstrate just how inadequate some counseling is, yet if I decide to pull the plug on this worthless looney “counselor,” then I wind up looking badly in the court’s eyes.

Bottom line: when we deal with a high-conflict person through a CO, it will ALWAYS be a game. Everyone involved is just a pawn to them. Your HCBM will never change.

 

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

Asking questions is how I am going to get our money’s worth. Because SD13 spends most of her time talking about me, it makes sense for me to go for four sessions, be very “on board” with advice, and then be done with it. Then I will get to say I tried. I doubt BM eill keep Sd in counseling after she sees that it is not going to be successful at creating more drama. 

 

Grey rock theory works for this. 

 

I have already started a list of “because you are SD’s advocate, help me understand how to...” Then I will be the one guiding sessions and I’ll be safer from becoming upset. Or worse, hopeful.