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BM cannot stand our happy home

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

EOW visits with SD13 have been going really well. There is no Disney Dad happening. No nightly phone calls to BM. SD13 seems pretty happy when she is here. She spends time with us by her own choice and we all get along well. When it is time to go back to BM’s (who she chose to stay with FT) she drags her feet. 

I am still sticking to my two rules. I am not left alone with SD13 because of her lying. And I keep conversation focused on her, so my invisible emotional boundary is intact. 

Oh but slow down! A new counselling session has been requested by SD13. Already scheduled on our visit time. And we have been asked to attend. (Don’t worry, BM won’t be there. She doesn’t have the guts.) 


Is this as obvious to other STalkers as it is to me?

BM has figured out that SD13 is actually happy when she is here with us, that she is actually bonding with  DS and I, so BM has invented a problem about us for SD13 to bring up in counseling. BM, by my estimation, figures that forcing SD13 to lie yet again will cause the same feelings of betrayal and hurt in DH and I like the lies did last time. She hopes to cause me to become an emotional mess in front of the counselor and to cause strain on our marriage.

But I already know what I will say no matter what is said or insinuated.

Oh, I’m glad you are telling us your feelings. I wish you felt like you could say your feelings to us without a counselor, but I am glad to be here if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Then I will say one of two options depending on whether she complains about true shortcomings or lies her mother has invented..

I am sorry you are unhappy about XYZ. I will do my best to work on XYZ. Nobody is perfect, but in this family we try to work together.

Or if the thing said is a lie..

I am confused as to why you are u happy about XYZ because XYZ didn’t happen. Instead this happened. Example: I am sorry you are unhapoy about not going out to eat. If you remember, we all wanted to go out to eat but then we decided it was a better option to eat at home and go out for dessert instead.


LOL   BM is so pitiful. If we let her into our heads, we lose the peace we have gained. If we get emotional over lies, we just opened the door and invited BM in.


Harry's picture

i would not go to counseling with DH and SD.  DH can go alone and deal with BM nonsense and SD lies. You need to now make rule #3.  No going to Play SD and BM games !!!

shamds's picture

this is not your child, they can pay you to attend for your time in my honest opinion. Your time snd life does not revolve over their issues they created themselves and refuse to nip in the butt and deal wth

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

yes I agree. And it is inportant to remember that the issues of SD13 were created by BM and DH. Not by me or my mere existence. I have only been in SD13’s life for a couple of years. She stole and had boundary issues long before I even met DH.

tog redux's picture

I'm with Harry. No way that you need to be involved in counseling. Let DH manage this, and he can let the therapist know that based on SD's history of lying to others about you, you and he are not comfortable with your involvement in this.

You are right, BM will wage a battle for SD's soul until she gets it, and she will, trust me.  So don't invest yourself in anything, or do anything that makes you uncomfortable, including going to therapy. Not your problem, don't do it.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I think you all are right. I better not go. DH does not expect me to go so why do I expect me to go? Hard question.  There is no good reason. I am letting my hope of my SD13 turning out OK despite BM’s influence re-inspire hope of having a real effect on SD13’s development. And a real relationship with SD13.

I need to remember I am not her mother and the best thing I can do for everyone is to preserve my own happiness. Because that is what keeps our home happy and dependable. And different from BM’s home.

Thanks for the help.

Forthelifeoftheparty's picture

I also think it has got to be interesting to the therapist that we are called into counseling, but we only see SD13 EOW. When does it become obvious to people that SD13’s issues are fueled by BM? SD13 spends nearly all of her time now with BM. To me, BM will get full credit for how SD13 turns out. But I have no doubt that BM will blame any bad behavior on their “broken home” or me. Are we in danger of having a more difficult version of SD13 dropped on our doorstep in a few years from now?