Hi everyone!

This is going to be long and probably all over the place, sorry in advance. I was a member on this site for about 4 years, 2.5 years ago when I was having Disney daddy issues with my dh. I got a lot of great advice and learned a lot about dealing with step life and also with the help from ST, I successfully disengaged from osd24 and pretty much have a 'follow her lead' (if she initiate contact I engage and we text each other for birthdays and well wishes on holidays) type relationship with my ysd22. Since the disengagement, my dh and I are much happier and at peace!!

I had to create a new account to ask for advice about my MIL now. Lol.. A little history: my dh and I have known each other for 20 years. Dh was married to ysd22 bm for about a year and had been divorced for almost 4 months when we met. Apparently mil/fil did not know of the divorce but they knew he and bm had been separated BC they had met bm's new interest during a few pick UP's of ysd (mil was babysitting ysd at the time). Fil made a comment to me about ysd and referred to be as dh's 'wife' the 3rd time dh took me to their home. At that point dh corrected fil and they were both suprised. Weird I know! Dh is the only child (adopted when a baby) and is Mil's pride and joy who can do no wrong. Mil has always given me the vibe that I wasn't good enough for dh and she preferred bm but she never let dh see that. We never got that close, not that I didn't try, but she kept me at a distance though we have always been cordial and respectful towards one another when we were around each other. She has tried to do/say little underhanded things regarding our DD or I when Osd was involved (while visiting our home) and when I overheard and informed dh, he put a stop to it immediately. I always sensed she wasn't fond of me so i've always been respectful but distant from her. We exchange calls for birthdays and Mother's day or she will call me if she can't reach dh and we make small talk during visits. It was a couple times over the years that I'd reach out just to say hi and to see how they were doing. But basically we try out of love for my dh and he's always wanted his mom and I to be close.

Dh, I and our 2 oldest Bk's moved out of state 13 years ago for dh's then job. We've also started a business back in 2000 that took years to get off the ground. The company has been doing pretty good for a couple years now our so we have no reason to ever move back home. I think that bothers my Mil a bit and the fact that my Mom moved here as well 6 months ago. Anywho, we were at my in-laws house the day dh got the call that our move would be a definite and thank God for that BC it always seemed as though they secretly blamed me for dh choices. He was very happy and I was hesitant about the move and new start at first and the il's saw that but my mil asked him "what about the girls" while looking at me and he informed her he will still remain involved. We were here for all of 3 months when both sd's wrote us all letters and mil mailed them to us. I helped our Bk's 6 and 2.5 at the time write back and also wrote my letter. We were just waiting on dh to write his, which took about 3 days due to him working the job during the day and working doing construction jobs for our business in the evenings. The following week my mil and fil called me asking if, from that point on when the 'girls' write letters to us that 'I' make sure they get a return letter. I calmly told them that I will make sure the kids and I write back but they needed to speak to their son about making sure the girls didn't feel forgot about and that it was his responsibity. I also informed them that the letters had been sent the day before and to be expecting then in a day or 2. That was the only time she/they ever directly asked me to do anything regarding my Sd's but there have been times they would (especially before we moved) try to put 'the sk's off on me in some way if they had them for the weekend or on dh's days while he was working and asked them to watch them a few hours before we moved away. Ex. Dh:Mom is it okay if I pick the girls up at 8 instead of 5? Mil: where's Focused? Or one time they just bought one SD to our house, dh was still working and said they were in the area. And then once Mil got mad when ysd came to her house from ours and I hadn't fixed her hair that day due to time. Ysd told me when we picked her back up that night that Mil was mad combing her hair and said ughhhh but mil denied it when he asked her.

My Osd24 lives with my mil (has for almost 6 years). Fil passed in April, so I doubt Osd will ever move out of il's house now. Mil coddles Osd and Osd can do no wrong in her eyes. I have disengaged completely from Osd due to her negative, passive aggressive, toxic attitude towards me for my own sanity about a year and 3 months ago. Before I said enough, osd would call me more than dh and use me to punish him. She was pas'd growing up, her bm hated dh for leaving her and bm hated me from day 1. Dh was a disney dad who wanted to be a friend more then parent osd when she came over and dh would sometimes want "me to tell her" when I felt he should speak to her about the rules and her little attitude, even as a little girl. I never did parent her so he would have no choice and would talk to her in private. Once I removed myself from the equation, it didn't take long for SD to start disrespecting dh and the more he ignored her disrespect the worse it got. Dh finally put his foot down in April, when we went back for my fil funeral. SD walked around the il's house like she ran the place, talking to dh like he was her child. Of course SD blew everything out of proportion when dh got onto her and let her know unless she respects him he will not respect her and is done. She started sobbing, telling him to get out of her room, then she tried to leave the house (she had like 2 beers) and ysd tried to take her car keys. Osd called
her bm and bm came to the house and had the police to meet her there. Not sure why that was necessary. They just had SD pack a bag and stayed there until she was done and SD left with her bm. Mil was also crying, consoling Sd. Mil told my dh that their house was peaceful until he came and so onMil. basically taking SD side. That night dh explained to mil the history of SD, her bm keeping her away a lot (which mil knows this), bad mouthing us and how he had to tell SD months prior that she could not come back to our home for a visit until she changes her attitude towards us in our home. I left the room to give them more privacy and didn't hear the rest but dh did tell me when he came to the room that we sleep in at mil house that he was done with osd until she change her attitude.

Finally for the issue at hand. Mil came down for our ODS h.s.graduation in May. Osd was also supposed to come but BC mil would not stay in a hotel with her and stayed at our house OSD didn't come and told mil she wasn't comfortable coming to our house. Dh had already told SD the previous week that he wanted her at the graduation too with the rest of the family but it still stands that she is welcome as long as she is respectful. Mil came 2 days before the graduation and on several occasions she would mention SD name or try to show dh or me a picture of SD on social media. After the graduation we were able to go on the field to take pictures. Not only does my mil have a phone, my dh does and my ysd (and took pics as well) but mil walked up to me and asked if I can send pictures to SD. I could actually feel my facial expression turn from a smile to a frown before I answered but I just said "I'll ask Dh to". I'm sure mil know other than speaking to SD when I entered their home back in April, noticed that she and I didn't interact at all. Mil was also the one, when I called her hoping she would get through to Osd about her attitude towards us, before I fully disengaged. I also told her that dh and SD relationship was on the verge to non existent and how disrespectful SD had been towards dh and how she was calling me a lot trying to degrade dh. I told SD I was no longer going to discuss dh with her and SD got upset with me. Mid sentence mil cut me off and said "I know your feelings are hurt but y'all just need to keep telling her y'all love her and she'll grow out of it" then ended the conversation. And I was supposed to be the one to send pictures?
I didn't send them and when I asked us to send them he said no, if she wanted to see she would have put her pettiness to the side.

Mil stayed another week before she left and we were still respectful towards each other. Since then she had defriend me on Facebook which doesn't bother me perse BC it seemed like it bothered her when I posted some of our trips with or without the kids. Or if I posted about a few dates dh and I went on. She would always call dh and tell him she saw the post but never interact on the post she would call him about. I discovered I was defriended when she asked my permission to tag one of my pictures of my ODS and her. Then she has always call me for my birthday (2 days ago) but she didn't. Like I said all this doesn't really bother me but it does confirm that she has always pretended for my dh sake and felt that it's my job to foster dh and SD relationship and if not it's my fault for the rift. I actually did that for years but it's not my problem to fix. My question is should I call her on her birthday? Or not bother to call like she did me this year? My mom says I should just carry on like I've always done and be the bigger person. A part of me agree, but the other part of me knows I didn't do anything to cause any of this and fact that she's suddenly shunning me screams she blames me and thinks it's my job to mend their relationship. What will you guy's do? Should I just only talk to her when I see her or insist we stay in a hotel on our next trip back home and stay away from them both but encourage dh to visit?