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flower99's picture


I don't know where to begin with this "bad dream" I've been stuck in. I need some advice. I've been with my fiance for 14 years. We got engaged in 2009 and still haven't set a date. Whenever I bring it up, he makes more excuses, usually money excuses like we don't have the money to do it right now.  The issue with being engaged for almost ten years is not the main issue here.  The main issue is his adult daugher who is going to be 33 in a few months.  Since I met her the very first time when she was 19, she has been very rude and disrespectful to me. This has gone on for years. I would always go out of my way to speak to her and try to make friendly conversation, but she's bluntly ignore me and walk into the other room as if I never said anything. I'd end up standing there feeling rejected, shunned, and so deeply hurt. Then she'd prance into the other room and I could hear the two of them. He'd say, "Oh baby, come sit here." That's another issue I've had. He calls her "baby" constantly. He never calls her by her name. No matter what the conversation is, whether they are on the phone or face to face, he always calls her that.  If we're at the kitchen table, he says, "Are you thirsty baby?" "Pass the butter baby." "Thanks baby." etc. When she calls him on the phone, he answers, "Hey baby!" It just goes on and on and on. I cringe everytime I hear it because it's so excessive. I don't understand why he never calls her by her name. I feel sick when I hear this and it makes me want to escape. 

She is very conceited and shallow. She reminds me of Paris Hilton in the way she carries herself. She's done some modeling and everyone goes up to her all the time when they meet and tell her how beautiful she is and I think it's gone to her head because she acts shallow. Everthing is based on her looks. His demeanour changes when she is wearing dresses and revealing clothing. I've known him for 14 years and can see how he acts differently when she's wearing those kinds of clothes. We were in public once and he said he thought all the guys were checking her out. When she just went out with him recently to the store, she said all the guys were giving her dirty looks because they assumed she was dating her dad. Who thinks like this? Is she that conceited she assumes every man in the room is giving her dirty looks becasue they are thinking about who shes walking with. She takes selfies all the time. I would describe her as shallow, fake, manipulative, and no empathy. She always says how everyone is checking her out.  

Over the years, when I have tried to make conversation with her and speak to her, she'd just stick her nose in the air and ignore me to the point where I would stand there in tears or have to go to the bathroom and cry silently so no one heard me. She moved out of state when she was 19 because she was using weed and wanted to be on her own so over the years I would only see her once or twice a year on Christmas or Thanksgiving when she's come to visit. It's a 3 bedroom house and there's only the master bedroom, the guest bedroom, and his office. He snores very loud so I sleep in the guest bedroom. When she comes to visit, I have to sleep on the couch or his office floor. He doesn't care if I have a bad back or not as long as he's sleeping in his bed and I don't say anything, then everything is fine. His daughter will wake up and say how wonderful she slept and I feel like a doormat having to sleep on the floor for a week while she's visiting. 

When we would pick her up at the airport, she's get in the car and I'd say hi to her and she would ignore me. The drive home was a good hour and she wouldn't speak to me at all. She wouldn't ask how I was doing or anything. If I'd pitch into the conversation and say something to join in, she's ignore me and keep talking to him. There was one time I tried to talk to her and make friendly conversation with her in his parent's kitchen. It was just me and her and I shared a sentimental moment of when my son was a child and how fast time goes by and rather than responding to me, she just stuck her nose in the air and walked out of the kitchn into the living room where he was. Then I could hear him say, "Hey baby, what are doing....etc" Then I'd hear her giggle and act all innocent and cute. I'd be standing in the kitchen feeling hurt, rejected, out of place, and wanting to go home. Going home was not an option, because I had to stay at his parents visiting until he said it was time to leave. So I would be stuck in his parents house with her all afternoon and evening dealing with her ignoring me and treating me as if I didn't exist. This would take place at his parents house, his brothers house, and anywhere else we might be. It went on for years. I actually don't look forward to holidays anymore because it means she will be here treating me bad and I'll have to sleep on the floor. 

To make matters 100% worse, when I went to him to try and let him knnow how she was treating me, he would not want to hear it. He would become very mean and talk over me and tell me to shut the fuck up, shut up, fuck off, fuck you, etc. He'd say anything to defend her and put the blame on me some way. At first he said he didn't see it, but then as I brought it up again over the years, he admitted he could see her being rude to me. Then he'd say she was rude to me, but that it was because of me. He said, "Maybe it's just the way you are." He would always say how if anyone disrespected his mom, he would be furious and never allow it, but what I never understood is how he could be okay with someone disrespecting me for years. Everytime I brought it up to him about his daughter's disrespectful behavior towards me and how it deeply hurt me and made me feel unwelcome, he would become very cold, mean, and then proceed to give me the silent treatment for hours to days. I would end up feeling so hurt by this. I feel betrayed by him because he justifies her bad treatment towards me. I told him I was the one trying to be nice to her and make friendly conversation and she was the one who was ignoring me and not responding. I even kept trying to be nice to her even after she's rejected and ignored me time after time after time. I've cried so many times over the past 14 years over this. His daughter comes here to visit and stirs up drama between us. She treats me bad and then watches how he pushes me away and gets closer to her. I feel like a doormat by both of them.

When she moved out at 19 years old, they didn't speak for some time, but then they patched things up and he got her set up in another state because that's where she wanted to live. He helped her get a car and an apartment. All she's done is just goof around and play with a bunch of 20 year olds for years. She hasn't had a career. She's worked in coffee shops and bars and has spent all her time having a good old time neglecting all real life responsiblities. She's gotten tattoed (all over her arms and fingers), big nose ring, and still no professional career.  About 5 years ago, she flew out to LA with a friend of hers to go visit.  She loved LA so much, she insisted on moving there so what does she do, she calls her dad and cries how things in her current town are not working and how badly she wants to live in LA. He tells her "Oh baby, I know you want to live in California, but you need a job there first." She didn't get her way so she quits her coffee house job and moves in with her mom out west, whom she doesn't get along with and neither does he. So she calls him daily crying how terrible it is at her moms house, knowing very well that he will cave in and save the day and rescue her from his ex-wife's house of pain. So she buttered him up even more and told him she was living in the shed in her mom's backyard. So he says,"Oh baby, you poor can't live in the shed any longer. I'll help you move to LA." So her manipulative plan succeeded and off to LA she went. He set her up in an apartment and got wired her money. She lived out there for a few years doing the same stuff she did in her previous town. She worked in coffee shops and bars, and had her friend (covered from neck to toe in tattoos) move out there with her so they can play and take pictures, get tattooed, etc. The whole time she's telling him that she can't find a real job, blah blah blah. She lost her car out there because she didn't make her car payments. So she was stuck using Uber. Long story short, things don't work out in LA. Her friend (28 years old) moves back in with her parents. My fiance's daughter is now almost 33 years old.  She calls him up and cries as usual how terrible things are. He says, "Oh baby, come back home and you won't have to worry about rent, bills, anything. You can take my truck and won't have to pay for food either." Sure enough, she takes his offer and she's been her living with me for almost 2 months. She's still being very rude to me and treating me like I'm an outsider. She never speaks to me unless I speak to her, but only if he's in the room and I only will get a one word mumbled answer. Everyday now revolves around her and what she's doing. He's telling me to bond with her when he still can't face the fact that she's not nice to me and hasn't been for years. If I say anything about the situation or her or how it's making me feel, I am told to shut up and then I'm given a cold silent treatment. I have to listen to him call her baby every day now and have dinner with her every night. She's been here for almost 2 months and she still doesn't have a job. She just sits on the couch all day and plays on her computer. She goes shopping and to the gym. The other night in the car she said to him, "I love staying's so much better than LA. I don't have to worry about anyhing. I don't have to worry about running here and there and worrying about bills." His response was, "I know baby, You don't have to worrry about all those stressing things." I was thinking to myself how absolutely pathetic. I've busted my butt for years working a professional career, working hard for everything I have. Now that she doesn't have a car, he just told me him and his dad are going to buy her a used car.  I asked him what her plan is and he said real defensively that she doesn't have a plan and she's just going to take her time to figure out what she wants to do with her life. He said in the meantime, she doesn't have to worry about rent, bills, food, or transportation. Unbelievable. My son is 22 and my fiance says some pretty insulting things about him. If my son was in his 30's and was living the way his daughter lives and then moved in with me at 33 with no car, no job, no direction, he would not allow it and I would never hear the end of it. He would probably call my son lazy, a loser, a bum, etc. But, with his daughter, you can't say anything at all. No matter what his daughter does, she is right. 

We were driving the other day and she said something that irritated me. She suggested that her and him go on a road trip to a B&B. I thought to myself, him and I never go on road trips, vacations, anywhere. We haven't had a vacation in 10 years. Don't couples go to B&B's? She is constantly clingy with him, always in his business. He shares all of our financial business with her, including my business. He shares all of his emotional thoughts with her.  When she's around, I feel like a third wheel, outsider, and like I'm not special at all to him. I feel betrayed by him because he told me he doesn't believe 100% that she treats me bad. He said he partially sees it, but it's not 100% her fault, blaming it partially on me as if I deserve to be treated like that. As long as she's around, he will allow her to treat me anyway she wants even if it's wrong. If I say one word about her then he treats me very bad. 

I need some advice please. I'm very confused. I love him, but I'm so unhappy with this situation and the way they both treat me. Here's one more situation that will give you an idea of how he is. One night I couldn't make it to his parents for dinner because I was working full time and going to school full time. I had too much homework and couldn't get it all done and still make it to work by 7:00am. When I told him I'd have to skip dinner that night because I had too much homework, he threw a fit and said horrible things to me including fuck you, fuck off, shut the fuck up, get the fuck out of here. He threw his phone across the kitchen right where i was standing and it shattered in little pieces all over. He said I was disrespecting his parents by not going to dinner and how could I do that to his 80 year old parents. I was so shocked by his reaction, I said how sorry I was and tried to calm him down. I was crying and said I'd never do anything to hurt his parents, etc. I picked the phone up and taped it the best I could. I ended up going to dinner that night even though I knew I'd pay the price that night and the next day. My eyes were so swollen from crying that I could barely look at his parents because I didn't want them to see my eyes looking so bad. He was very rude and cold to me all evening and at the dinner table, but he put on a nice act to me so his parents wouldn's see what a jerk he was being earlier to me. After dinner he talked about himself and told stories that I've heard 1,000 times. He kept me there till 11pm and I didn't get started on my homework till 12am. I ended up staying up all night till 6am working on my homework. I probably slept 10 minutes and then when I got to work, I felt so horrible from being tired and exhausted from the way he treated me. I called my manager and said I wasn't feeling well and used a vacation day to go home. He gave me the silent treatment for 3 days and then acted like none of it happened and acted all nice to me on the 4th day. This is how he has been to me in general. If I speak about what's on my mind or my feelings, I have to pay the price of him being cold and giving me silent treatments. He invalidates all of my feelings. Usually no matter what I say, he says I'm exaggerating, being too dramatic, and too sensitve. He belittles me too. I'm very educated and have a masters degree, but he still says very belittling things to me. Now, with his daughter here running his life and mine, I'm questioning all of this. I don't want to be her doormat for the rest of my life and him to allow it. 


Curious Georgetta's picture

You are your France's doormat. The daughter has no obligation to like you. The fiance has no reason to speak to you in the crude and uncivil manner in which he does.

You have spent 10 years blaming the daughter who owes you nothing but polite civility when she encounters you. Yet you stay with a man who speaks to you in that manner.

In your situation, you should forget about the daughterdaughter, leave the man   and start looking for your self respect.

The only thing that you need to fix is you.  These people deserve each other ,but why do you feel the need to be a part of their self-absorbed show?

Surely, after 10 years you must realize that nothing is going to change.

flower99's picture

You are right. I keep telling myself that this is never going to change because I can't change him or her. The only one I can change is myself. He won't even listen to me so it's just a lose-lose situation for me.

--figureditout--'s picture

You need an exit plan. Your boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusing you. You say that you've been engaged for 9 years and his reason is that he lacks the funds, yet he can enable his adult child to live a life of zero responsibility.

You say that you don't want to be a doormat, yet you have put up with This shit since Paris Hilton was 19. 

Move out and move on. He is obviously comfortable and narcissistic and completely enmeshed with his own child.

I apologize for the bluntness of this post, but as an outsider looking in at your view, all I see is you being used and abused.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We lacked funds. So we got married in a courthouse. Just us. Lack of funds is a stupid arguement if you really want to be married. It's about being with the person you love as husband and wife. Not for the fancy thing. 9 years is too long. Doesn't seem like they really want to be married at that point.

Areyou's picture

Do you know why you stay? I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s going to be hard but you have to put up boundaries with him. He enjoys abusing you and he does it because you can’t put up boundaries for yourself. You’re vulnerable. I’m not blaming the victim, I’m just saying he’s the wrong person for you.

flower99's picture

I agree. I think he's probably the wrong person for me because when I think of a good relationship I think of two people being able to openly communicate their feelings with each other in a non threatening way.  Each person should care enough about the other person to want to know how they're feeling. I like to talk things out and work through things, not shut them up and brush them under the rug. He represses and invalidates my feelings. 

keepitsimplestupid's picture

This is some crazy goings-on. I agree with the PPs; you don't only have a mini-wife problem, but you also have a ginormous BF problem.

With so much going on in your relationship, all I can say is get out now while you still have some of your sanity left.  It doesn't sound like he's going to marry you (sorry to be so blunt) and now he's got his adult daughter making your life a living hell on a daily basis.  He berates and abuses you.  He dismisses your concerns.  He makes excuses as to why you two can't marry (and those are bogus excuses btw).  Why stay?

flower99's picture

You're right. Why should I stay? I don't even know why I've stayed this long. This has been such a draining challenging relationship. The past 14 years have been very difficult but I kept hoping things would stay good, but they never do. Thanks for the advice.

oneoffour's picture


There is nothing redeeming about this man. Nothing. You have not mentioned anything that makes me even want to look him in the eye. You have given him 14 yrs of your life and out of it you have what? His daughter is the way she is because he has allowed and encouraged it.

Get to see a counsellor or therapist. Find your backbone/self esteem again and walk away from their toxic lovefest.

If you lose money in the deal, cope with it. Find your own place with your own front door and a big arse chain on it to keep the evil negative forces out of your life. This week. Do not tell him you are moving. Just find a place, sign a lease and slowly sneak your stuff out of the house. Tell him you are donating it to Goodwill but really you are putting things in your new home. Or arrange for the police or even hire a security guard to escort you with your personal property out of the home.

flower99's picture

Good advice. Thank you. I have wasted 14 years of my life and I don't want to waste anymore. Life is too short. You're right..I probably need to develop some more backbone and self esteem so I can walk away from their toxic lovefest, which is exactly what it feels like by the way. A total toxic lovefest and I'm trapped in the middle of it.

TX2step's picture

It's time to GTFO. Leave this nightmare in your rear view mirror. He already has a wife and it's not you. Oh and don't forget to burn rubber whilst shooting him the birdie... When you leave his azz.

flower99's picture

I agree. I don't feel like his wife when she's around. I actually feel like nothing when she's around. Your response is funny. Thank you.

flower99's picture

I was going to reply to each of you because I appreciate your advice. All your advice is the same, which is what I've narrowed this whole thing down to as my only option of leaving. I know I've been a fool for putting up with this for so long. I wish I haven't, but I've always been a dedicated person. The hard part is walking away from someone you've become so attached to. I do love him despite all this bad treatment, but I don't feel emotionally close to someone who doesn't respect and believe me. He's already told me he doesn't respect me 100%. It's a big step I have to take. I guess I just needed to hear it from others to nudge me a little in this big decision.

Curious Georgetta's picture

He did not have a child, he would still be crude, insensitive , and uncaring.

As long as you think of the daughter as the problem, you excuse the person that he is. You love the person that you want him to be, but you live with the person that he is. Learn to love yourself more and him less.

SteppedOut's picture

I don't agree with CG often, but in this instance I 100% agree. 

Sometimes it's easier to blame someone else (like this time). The problems you are having are problems with your "fiance".

MoominMama's picture

'she moved out at 19 years old, they didn't speak for some time, but then they patched things up'

What happened there?

I agree with others, Move out if you can. what is your situation regarding independence? He is never going to change, the SD is never going to change. He has shown you how he means to go on, believe him please. You deserve better than this.

Thumper's picture

Hi and welcome to ST....hope you will stick around here on the site to help others.

Anyway...There could be 10thousands reasons to leave and only 1 reason to stay. Could be money, could be age could be mehhh, nothing better at my age kinda thing. Usually the 1 reason to stay is why many women stay.

Next time do not go to the airport with bf when her brumb stick lands. NEXT time book a short trip IF his adult arrives. Be know so he and his wonderful child can have bonding time.

Plan and simple....

Best wishes to ya.


momof3smof2's picture

You don't have a step-daughter problem. You have a "your partner is abusive" problem. Move out today. 

StepUltimate's picture

You only have today. Do what you can today, plan for tomorrow, and step by step you'll get there. We'll encourage you all the way through it, so take the next step & let us know how you're doing.

ndc's picture

You need to kiss those 14 years goodbye, chalk it up to a lesson learned and put this guy and his daughter in your rear view mirror.  The problem is NOT the daughter, it's your partner.  I haven't heard you describe one redeeming quality he has.

You've been with him for 14 years and engaged for 9, and he's telling you he doesn't have money for a wedding?  You can get married for the cost of a marriage license and maybe a small JOP or courthouse fee.  That's BS.  You're not married because he doesn't want to marry you.  Perhaps his little darling doesn't want him to get married, or maybe it's something else.  But after 14 years, if he hasn't married you, he's probably not going to.  And you should thank your lucky stars for that, because it makes leaving him a little less complicated.  

still learning's picture

Be thankful that you haven't married this man yet and that you never had children together!  A great exit plan would be to pack up and leave while he and his daughter are staying at a B&B, gross BTW, or take your own trip and never come back.  Your "fiance" has everything he wants, an enmeshed relationship w/his daughter and a doormat that he can sleep with.  You on the other hand are being abused and continually lied to about the relationship going to the next level.   There is so much more to life than this.  Let it go, move on, learn, do better next time.  

ps. Being alone for awhile to recover and heal will be a good thing.  Best to you.  

SmelltheRoses's picture

I know exactly what you feel about your SD! However, my SD does not want to live with us and my DH has not been abusive if not I would have been long gone even if I had to get a divorce!  Hope you leave this abusive relationship ASAP!  It will take time to get over him but time heals all things! And you will look back and see how far you have come in loving yourself and life!

marblefawn's picture

You gave it 14 years. He hasn't changed in 14 years because you stayed 14 years no matter what he dished out to you.

Start thinking about how good it will feel when you sock it to him by leaving. You will have the power when you walk out. And it will feel GREAT.

Yea, you'll be a little scared going it alone after all these years, and he might even tell you that you can't do it because that's how he controls you. But when you walk out, that will empower you like you can't imagine. You can have your own place, make your own rules, bar toxic people from your life and live like the swinging single you should be!

You're educated, employed and obviously a loyal person. You don't have the baggage of kids. You are a catch for a decent, caring man in a world full of women with ex-husbands, entitled skids, custody issues and joblessness. You'll take the dating world by storm!!!

Go find what you deserve. Go find your equal. I guarantee you'll wonder why the hell you waited so long!

disrestep's picture

If you have not left this jerk by now, do yourself a favor and leave him asap. He is not worth wasting another half of a lifetime over.

The relationship he has with his adult daughter is warped and not normal. She sounds like more than a mini-wife. 

He is verbally and emotionally abusive to you, as is his mini-wife daughter.

Run for the hills. You deserve better.

Step-girlfriend's picture

I usually lean towards the "maybe one last ditch effort at counseling" viewpoint when married/engaged couples are having issues, but not here. GET OUT. This is abusive. My SO told me to shut up twice a few weeks ago (this is not usual behavior for him), and I made it abundantly clear that I would not tolerate that. He apologized and said he knows it's not right and he regrets it. The difference is, he does know it isn't right and that he can't talk to me that way, so it won't continue to happen. If it did, I would not stay.

Not only is your Fiance not going to marry you, he allows his daughter to be rude to you and never says a peep. I definitely understand how hard it can be to just up and leave a situation you have been in so long. Sometimes it's easier to overlook things that you hate and are not actually acceptable, than to face starting again. But there doesn't seem to be anything redeeming to this relationship. He sounds like a complete asshole. What if his daughter lives with you for years?? That's unbearable. Everyone else has already said it, but you should go. Now. He will not change, and he isn't the kind of person you can rationally talk to to fix this. You have tried, it doesn't work. Like theoldredhen said, I can assure you that once you are gone, you will wonder why you waited so long.

You already looked for your happiness with him for 14 years, and it wasn't there. Your happiness is going to be without him.

CLove's picture

Get out! Now. Do not look back.

The only advice I would also add would be to get some counseling for YOURSELF. 14 years is a very long time, and there will be some internal damage.

But PLEASE get out.

flower99's picture

I agree with you. 14 years is a long time..too long of a time unfortunately.  Thank you for your reply.