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SP birthdays

Floral_SM's picture

After reading earlier about SK's reaching out to their SP to say happy birthday, I'm curious to know is this something that anyone else receives? 

I have not received one birthday present or card from the SK's on my birthday. DH has given me a card with their names included, but I've never really received anything personal from them other than them saying happy birthday when they are prompted by DH. I never made it a thing for me to be acknowledged though, and never gave it a second thought.

One day before school SD asked DH can they call into a shop and buy her teacher flowers for her birthday. DH agreed and SD made her a card to go with this small bunch of flowers. Then they all left and I was home alone. I felt a bit odd and realised I was hurt that they have never thought to do the same for me. Then I felt annoyed I was feeling hurt, and got on with it.  My birthday rolled around this year and again I received nothing but a prompted 'happy birthday' from SK's. DH took me away for the weekend with our DD1 which was nice and what I wanted.

When the SK's are older I still won't expect anything more, but the fact they put effort into a teacher more than they have ever done for me, did sting a little bit I had to admit. I'm just curious if other SP's can relate or what they expect? 



CastleJJ's picture

SS9 doesn't even send DH a Birthday Card or acknowledge his birthday. Because we are long distance and SS is with HCBM during DH's birthday, she never bothers to prompt SS to call or send anything from SS. I don't give DH a birthday card from SS, just from me. If our visitation falls near/on my birthday, DH has taken SS to birthday shop for me a few times. Last year we had SS for my Birthday so DH planned a small birthday get together for me. DH took SS to buy a card and a small gift from SS. But if DH didn't prompt it and SS wasn't here, neither DH or I would be acknowledged on our birthdays. I don't even think SS knows when our birthdays are. 

tog redux's picture

My SS21 doesn't even acknowledge DH's birthday, much less mine. Nor do I acknowledge his. When he was younger he did if DH reminded him. 

ExhaustedByItAll's picture

HCBM ramps up the alienation big time in the lead up to DH's birthday, every year. It's always a really bad 2 weekends before and they don't call him or get him anything. I've gotten cards for them to sign in years past, SS refused, and I gave up. For my birthday, nothing but the same, DH has bought cards, but anything actually from them or an unprompted happy birthday, no, and I don't expect it. I understand feeling hurt though if they were asking for money to gift a teacher when they can't be bothered for a person who cares for them.

stepmomnorth's picture

My skids have never told me happy birthday or got me a present. I did usually get them a small gift on their birthday and usually a birthday cake. But my bday nope. 

JRI's picture

My SKs are in the 50-60yo range.  In their earlier years, they were oblivious but as they've gotten older, they often remember my BD, sometimes with gifts, sometimes with a text.  It might be because I religiously remember their, their spouse's and kids BDs and their anniversaries.....  ( I do this as a living testimonial to my beloved grandmother who taught me the master class about in-law relations).

CajunMom's picture

I'm the one who posted about birthdays. My kids have always honored their stepparents on Mother's/Father's Day, Christmas and they try to remember birthdays. 

DHs kids have NEVER even mentioned me on Mother's Day or my birthday, and it was rare that I got even a token gift for Christmas (I think I remember 3 times in 12 years and only because we gave them money to shop with). 

It's all on the upbringing and how they are taught to treat other people. 

Floral_SM's picture

Yees! It was your post I was reading. I thought BM's like you were a myth haha. That's really nice of you to tell your bio's to  give their SM respect. It's a shame you don't receive the same. 

CajunMom's picture

My ex and I made the decision to not let OUR divorce affect our kids. We did a lot of things "different" after our divorce, including some great co-parenting. It wasn't for everyone but it worked for us. 

We also had some parameters in place for when we started dating. Respect and expectations from each other and the kids. By standing strong on the "respect" issue, we have that beautiful blend that is rare in the step world. DH and I celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday with my ex and his wife and both of our kids. Again, not for everyone but it works for us. I'm very grateful for these relationships today...I don't think I could have handled it being toxic on both sides.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I don't expect anything, and my expectations are met. We are not married or living together, though. For skid birthdays, for the ones living in town, i'll either get a modest gift or a nice cake from the bakery. 

paul_in_utah's picture

In nearly 20 years being with my ex-wife, my skids had the following record:

"Happy Birthday" - 0

"Merry Christmas" - 0

"Happy Father's Day " - 0.  This includes 0 from my ex-wife as well.  I was expected to expend as much (or more) time, energy, and money as a real dad, but get no acknowledgement in return.

MissK03's picture

SD14 has bought me a birthday/Xmas presents with her own money. She's a giving and appreciative though. She always tells me to buy something nice for myself... The boys SS18 and SS17 have never bought me anything from them.. last year was the first year SS18 bought SO a Xmas and birthday present... SO's has a crappy bday.. two days after Xmas. 

I was disappointed in SS17 last year for not getting his father an actual gift since he was working and had his own money.

Ive never been acknowledged for Mother's Day. SO got me something from the dogs this year which I liked BUT a little late IMO and It wasn't done from him thinking it came from me saying something the previous year.... Mothers days is always a pink elephant in the room in our house.  

Because I like to share BM's moments.. She complained to SO last year in one of her crying episodes tha.." He doesn't remind the kids to wish her a happy birthday." 

She has never in the 6 years I've been with SO made plans with HER kids for her birthday... but SO is suppose to remind them.. one is a legal adult now sooo... they aren't babies BM. 

Harry's picture

Christmas, Easter, birthday . And last one for a big box of wine for yourself 

shamds's picture

Not one has every acknowledged my or my kids with hubby (their half siblings birthdays)

when it any of my 2 kids birthdays or hubby, i bake a cake and do a roast dinner. Skids get fuc* all and i'm not at all sorry or guilty for that. Nobody wants to make stuff for toxic a-holes!!

Cover1W's picture

Only once or twice when SDs were young, and DH did it for them, was my birthday acknowledged. I'm lucky in that visitation at our home has almost never been when my birthday falls. DH and I tend to go out for a nice meal and get a hotel for a night. That's good for me.

I'm not raising them so whatever. If it did bother me I would let him know. I don't think he even notices (he's not great with social cues either most of the time).

Mamabearof3's picture

One year my SD got me a card she picked out for my birthday. It said mom on it and was actually a Mother's Day card. But she was quite young then. Now she hasn't said happy birthday or happy Mother's Day even by text in a long time. 

Mamabearof3's picture

But her mom puts her in charge of the decorations for her step dads yearly birthday party. 

Floral_SM's picture

Oh of course she did. One Father's Day, SD made a card in school for 'Dad' but when DH asked where it was she said she gave it to 'Mummy's BF'.