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SD and her lies

Floral_SM's picture

First off, I haven't written in a while due to giving birth to my baby daughter last month. She is a premmy and we just got home and all doing well. 

So I haven't had a chance to write about SD6 and what unfolded this week, I need to vent. Big time. 

In a nutshell SD6 is Toxic BM's mini me. She lies, manipulates, calculates, is secretive, and looks exactly like her mother. Which is hard to deal with sometimes. 

This week SD lied and told BM that DH and I smack her and wanted to stay the week with her mummy. Lord give me strength. BM refused DH to take her home during his custody week as SD doesn't feel safe at our home and so he came home with only SS8. He's a good kid and really loves it here. He couldn't believe his sister lying and vouched for us. 

Then DH gets a text from BM Friday night saying she feels sorry for him and wants SD to spend quality time with him. Can he try and tell SD to come back to our home. Seriously?? So she can get drunk this long weekend no doubt. Anyway SD ends up being dropped off Friday night and she cried and apologised for lying about us but she only did it because she wanted to spend time with her friends at OSHC while her mum worked. 

So now we have her for the remainder of this week and I have stayed in my bedroom the entire time with my baby. I don't mind I actually love my room, but I just feel whatever bond I had with SD is now broken. My DH feels the same with her too. He knows he's losing the battle of keeping BM's influence from SD. He is getting a lawyer though and sending her a consent form for a court order to cement the 50/50 arrangement. He still wants her here which I can understand her being his daughter, but I don't want her here at all now. 

Im so cautious of what I say to her, and so scared she might do this to me again. 


Kes's picture

I feel sorry for you - this is similar to the situation that I had, 18 yrs ago, with a toxic, narcissistic BM, PASing both SDs.  There is not a lot you can do, other than disengage.  At least you have one nice step child, I had two vile ones. And at least your DH isn't in denial of the problem, as a lot are. 

Floral_SM's picture

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone in these situations. Well yeah unfortunately she did it to DH too so he feels betrayed by her too.

SloaneMichael's picture

Narcissistic BM who manipulated the skids into swearing false affidavits to the court in the midst of a custody dispute.  One of the skids is a mini me to Narc BM, the other is a miniwife to DH, and the other is just along for the ride. Lots of fun. 

I think my DH is afraid of the skids because of it, so they run our house. 

Floral_SM's picture

Oh wow that's so low. I can't stand narcissistic people! Yep they sound full on.. one mini me of toxic BM is enough for me. 

strugglingSM's picture

I feel you on this one. One of my SSs told everyone who will listen that when he is with us, DH and I sit around and talk about how much we hate BM. He is enmeshed with BM and she is *obsessed* with the fact that DH "hates" her to the point where any interaction with her leads to her saying "you're only saying that because you hate me!" Or just texting DH repeatedly to say "why do you hate me?!" over and over.

She demanded a mediation because she said SS "was in crisis" and too traumatized to come to our home. After 14 hours and no budging from BM I'm anything, DH finally gave in and reduced his time with SS by 14 hours EOWE. He then told SS that he wanted to see him, but wouldn't fight with him over it. Miraculously, SS was now fine and BM told DH he'd agreed to go back to his original visitation schedule. This was after less than two months of the new schedule and SS telling us "it's unfair that mom has to drive twice" (since the other SS kept the same schedule).

This SS continues to spend every visitation texting constantly with BM about how DH did this or that and her saying "I don't know why he always wants to make me look like a brad person." DH also tried to restrict her contacting SSs when they are with us to once a day and she had it written into the agreement that she has 24/7 access to them when they are with us. She only contacts her dramatic, enmeshed son, not the other.

My relationship with this child has never recovered. He lied about me, too, so it's not just about DH. I also feel as if I have to watch everything I say and do when he's around. I'm not sure if he realizes that I can't stand him, but I avoid him when he's around. I wish he would decide he doesn't want to come anymore, but since DH has told him that he won't force him to come to our house, BM is intent on making sure that SS always shows up. She's even told DH "you're not allowed to change the schedule without my permission" and that DH needs to get permission from her first before he tells SS that he doesn't have to come to our house on any given weekend.

It's all a game of power and control for BM. I should feel bad for the kid because he almost has no chance of resisting BM's urge to manipulate, but he's in high school and I guarantee that he doesn't report everything back to her when he's out with his friends, so he shouldn't continue to report everything back to BM from our house. He also talks so much sh$t about DH with her that I feel like telling him off. 

Floral_SM's picture

Yep it's always a game.. SD talks bad about DH in other ways too. Toxic BM talks like she dictates everything too, it's so frustrating. Goodluck with your SS, he sounds like a real piece of work to deal with.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Nanny cams and never be alone with SD. If DH isn't there, SD isn't there. I'd also make it clear that if she makes one more false allegation against you, his visitation happens elsewhere or he can move out. It's one thing dealing with an unruly kid. It's another when that kid makes false claims that could lead to CPS investigating and taking away your own child.

And this should be non-negotiable with your DH. This IS happening. This isn't a discussion. He needs to figure out how to protect you and your new baby (and his son, because SD will eventually turn on him, too), and pretending that what SD is doing is okay isn't the way to go about that.

Kes's picture

^^^ Agree^^^  A few months into my relationship with DH, NPD BM made false allegations about him.  Even though it was nothing to do with me, from that point I was never alone with the SDs ever again, as I could do without her trying to ruin my life as well as his. 

Floral_SM's picture

Yeah I agree and told DH this. He agreed and understands. There's a huge block in our family life at home because of her, and she definitely won't go unpunished.

We have documented evidence that BM admitted she knew SD made up everything and she said ' I already know this. whether she is lying or telling the truth is irrelevant, she wants to spend more time with me'. So that alone shows it was all false allegations about us. I told SD next time I hear her lie about me and DH again, I'm calling the police and they can sit infront of her and she can explain yourself to them. 

Harry's picture

Hope he punishes her for lies,  And put his foot down with BM.    I would make DH take care of his kid,  He wante her over, it's all on him.  What is he going to do when he has to work?  
I would not hold up in my room. And give control to SD.  I would mark my territory,  

And you are not the de facto babysitter when DH has to do something. He needs emergency child care , line up

Floral_SM's picture

Well it's holidays and he's actually taking them both to work next week with him and he drops them and picks them up from school in a normal week. I don't actually do much babysitting for a while now which is good, but I still keep my distance from SD when everyone is home regardless. 
That's true, I could mark my territory more, but I'm just worried I will give SD more ammo in her lies if I confront her with pretty much anything now. I mean I see my room as my sanctuary anyway so the skids know to not come in there unless they knock and ask. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Yep, we have a mini version of BM too with SD10. She constantly lies about DH and I. During a birthday party, she starts telling her aunt "how terrible and mean my dad is." She 100% talks junk to BM about both of us and none of it is true. About a year ago, we found SD TikTok account (when she was 9) and terrible videos of her dancing/cussing/etc. DH was disgusted. BM said "she just wants her to find herself". As SD gets older, I think DH has lost his innocence with her. She lies to him about school. They have had more blow ups recently. She lied about how "she forgot" to log on to school OR do any assignments at all for an ENTIRE DAY, and was marked absent. DH said "You're full of it! You skipped school!" She constantly has excuses like her mom and has ZERO motivation to do anything with her life. DH and BM didn't work out for a reason and I think it is REALLY hard for him to see SD turning out like her. Obviously that isn't someone/a type of person he likes...


And yes, doesn't help that she looks like a carbon copy of her BM. BM has cut her pretty blonde hair to short bangs, dyed purple, and has gotten a full color sleeve tattoo on her arm... can't pay for school supplies though. She looks like total trash. DH always tells everyone she did NOT look like that when he met her. She honestly looks like she is on drugs (well probably is). 

Floral_SM's picture

Wow, I really hope SD doesn't get worse but I can see it already happening. I see so many similar situations in what we both deal with, it's so frustrating to hear people have heard her lies about us. 
I tried so hard to teach her how to look after herself as a girl when she was younger. Wiping the correct way, brushing her hair, dressing appropriately ect. But it's all gone out the window now BM has told her she can be her own person and have her own choices. She's 6 years old!  So now her attitude is ridiculous. When she asks me things now I say 'ask Dad' and walk away. I can't stand her trying to negotiate to me anymore when I tell her no to something. 
Haha Toxic BM looks like a washed up rat now according to DH. She's just gotten worse as she's got older. Doesn't help that she's so focused on making our lives miserable then focusing on herself instead. 

CLove's picture

Enjoy this little bundle ofyours, because if SD is like this at 6...without repercussions, it will definitely get worse. And hiding from her will not help that much when she starts with the BIGGER lies. 

You can see my example on my blogs. SDnow21, Feral Forger, started small too. Then things escalated.

I would suggest nanny cams and lock boxes because she will start stealing, too.

Feral Forger SD21 looks like her dad, while Munchkin SD14 looks so much like her mother. And Im seeing her swimming on that end of the Toxic Gene pool now as she has entered her teen years.

Floral_SM's picture

Thanks I am focusing her as my main priority. Yep definitely investing in the nanny cams, and I can only imagine what else she will make up down the track. Oh yes she has stolen things before I know it but can't prove it. I've had my suspicions for a while now when I see random items (toys mostly) in her bag that came from school. When I ask, she says so and so gave them to her.. hmm. 

The last thing she did was not eat her lunch and SS dobbed her in by telling us she was at the canteen buying food. We asked where did she get the money and she said found it in her room?? DH leaves his spare change on the dresser in our bedroom sometimes.. so now I hide it away.