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PAS games happening again..

floralsm's picture

I am 36 weeks pregnant and feeling hormonal as all hell. I get emotional over the most stupidest things and my patience is as you can imagine is minimal. 

We have put up with a lot this week thanks to HCBM filling the skids heads with absolute BS. DH asked BM to drop off the skids as he was working late and I didn't care it was only a few hours and figured the kids would watch a movie. 

Well SD refused to get out of BMs car, resulting in her idling for 10 minutes in my street and BM having to stare at my solid front door as a reaction. No way am I going out there. Either SD walks in the house or she drives off with her. SD eventually walked in crying wanting to be with mummy. We then heard BM speed off down the street so I shrugged and said well looks like your staying here and gave her something to eat and let her calm down. It has been soooo long since we have had issues with SD not wanting to be here and it's alllll come ahead again. 

Then the skids tell us BMs enrolled SS into a private school, and she's going to get a scholarship for him to pay for the fees. DH of course has no knowledge of this and wonder if it's even true. It's funny the cut off date for this school was at the start of this year and we are only hearing of it now? Mm ok. 

Then SD says BM can't afford groceries sometimes as she pays DH child support. Lord give me strength. BM purposely works part-time so she RECEIVES the CS and government hand outs. I can't believe how much lies she is filling her children's heads with in a matter of a week. It's insane. When DH got home I unloaded all the BS I just put up with and he dealt with it but it was a stressful night. He was tired, I was done, and he chatted to the skids putting the truth back in their heads, but they hate hearing it. The looks on their faces when DH sticks up for himself.. it's just really sad. She is a master manipulator and a toxic POS. 

SD is back to being PAS'd by BM. It's a cycle that I can't see will ever be broken. She has gone back to her sneaky behaviour, and annoying behaviour. Just being classic hard work to look after. Yesterday she was picking up DD2 and had gone back to throwing her around like a rag doll again. It's been months since I've had issues with SD and DD2 and everything seemed fine finally.. but the way she picks her up is a bit rough and not letting her do things herself. I can't believe she's reverted back to doing it again after so long of behaving quite well with her. I spoke to her quite firm but fair and said do not pick her up so roughly, just be gentle and let her do things for herself please.. she is capable. Then this morning I heard DD2 ask SD to pick her up and SD tell her 'no I'm not allowed too' and I was just so angry she told her that. I told SD that's not what I said to you yesterday, I told you to be gentle when you pick her up.. not that you are not allowed to pick her up at all! How can you think I would actually not allow you to pick up your own sister and tell her that? She started looking like she was about to cry and so I backed down and just left it saying 'I hope we can just be on the same page now and you now not think you aren't allowed to pick up your sister and tell god knows who when you leave your home here that I actually said that to you'. Because we all know she does tell people the wrong thing. Well she used to, as I said it's been a long time since we have had these issues with SD!

Ugh it's that sort of sh*t she says back to BM that BM believes and uses against us.. whether SD doesn't listen properly or misunderstands what we say or purposely twists the truth to please her mother to hate us more.. I have no idea! It's just annoying as we have not had this issue in months and it's reared it's head again. The timing is so predictable as I'm about to give birth in a few weeks and that means BMs CS will go down as DH has another dependent child to pay for and her children will be playing happy families with a newborn brother that BM will absolutely hate and be so threatened of. So the PAS claws are clearly out again and BMs games is in full force and it's just so exhausting as the cycle never ends! It happened when DH and I got together, moved in together, got engaged, married, pregnant, gave birth (BM refused SD to come back to our house to meet DD) and now I'm about to give birth again.. it's happening again! Grr anyway thats my vent over for today.  


CastleJJ's picture

I'm sorry. We have been there, done that. I swear these skids take everything BM says, even with proof to the contrary, as fact as if it were a Bible. I have no idea how it happens and how it sticks but it is so damn annoying. And the worst part is, when you try to provide proof and show the truth, the kids get soooo defensive of their BMs. It's sad really.

We went through the same thing when our DD was born last year... BM reared her ugly head with financial abuse, demanding money for everything under the sun and seeking tons of unnecessary medical care for SS, billing us our large portion of course. She even billed us half of $4 for Tylenol. It was insane. I swear, we were paying hundreds of dollars in medical bills every week for like 7 months for SS. And of course all these medical issues "appeared" a week after DD was born, and magically and mysteriously "resolved" months later without actual treatment, when BM realized DH wasn't playing ball. It was BM's last ditch effort since she knew DH wouldn't engage any other way but medical expenses were court ordered. And SS was weird as hell with DD for a long time, I'm sure due to BM's brainwashing. Now he's great with her because DD wore him down. But it's always interesting to see SS shift back to old ways, especially when SS is with BM for long periods of time. To this day, SS still hides in his room and whispers his spy report to BM and GF when they call during our visits. I hear bits and pieces through the wall/door about me, DD, my family, DH's family, etc... yet never about DH. And of course, these reports always paint us in a negative light. He never mentions the positive because he knows he can't. And when we call him on it, he accuses us of eavesdropping and gets aggressive and defensive, blaming us for his reporting. It is all beyond dysfunctional, but it is dysfunction that BM normalizes and encourages. 

You aren't going to be able to control SD. Whether SD does it intentionally or misunderstands or is brainwashed into spying, it's an invasion of privacy and can wreak havoc on your household. And if DH fights SD on it every time, he will further alienate her. And of course you have to worry about your own kids and raising them right despite their toxicity and their Mom's toxicity. It's a hard spot to be in. I have yet to find the right answer to this. For SS, I have learned to tell him nothing and to expect him to tell everything to BM. Sometimes its unavoidable if something happens in real time, in front of SS. I just have to know that BM will find out and judge away. My answer is that if I don't want him to know or see something, DD and I just aren't around during his visits. If we aren't home, he can't report on us. 

floralsm's picture

Thanks Castle and yes we both have very similar HCBMs! It's so annoying! I can't stand how they cannot just move on with their lives and leave ours alone to live happily when the skids come over. I am sorry you deal with all the torment she puts on SS and how he feels he has to hide everything from you to please his manipulating mother. It's so toxic! 

It is school holidays here so our normal school routine is completely out the window and they have been at her household for an entire 7 days and been completely brain washed so you can imagine how hard it is to parent them when DH isn't here. I ended up crying infront of them and I think they realised they stepped over the line and have been quiet ever since. I didn't mean to, I'm just hormonal and things set me off so easily these days. They were hitting each other and telling DD2 they were each meanies and DD2 has never been exposed to that sort of behaviour and she was so confused and I was so annoyed and cried lol. 

well DH is home soon and I'm telling him next holidays he has to take leave off of work to look after them because I'm not doing this again with a newborn on top. 


justmakingthebest's picture

When it comes to PAS and the kids that fall for it, there is no winning. Everything you say will just get twisted. I wish I had a success story to tell you but the only thing I came to learn is the older my SS got the worse the PAS got and it ultimately broke any father child relationship that was there. 

I'm sorry that you have this stress at the end of your pregnancy. This is supposed to be a joyful time for your family, not drama. 

floralsm's picture

I know.. I dont think there is any success story either. I think we will eventually lose SD to BM completely but DH isn't giving up on her yet.

I think when they go back I'll have a week to feel excited and not stressed especially when it's back to school routine where they are at school all day and then DH back home with them all the time again. fingers crossed! 

thinkthrice's picture

Bc they are negative and human nature is negative by default.   In Chef's case, his ex MIL, Battleaxe Galactica, told everyone she received zero child support from the Girhippo's father which was an abject lie. 

Chef believed this too even in the face of evidence to the contrary.   I talked to Chef's oldest half brother some time ago and he knew the Gir's dad and SM.  He stated that the Gir's SM had complained about high CS going to the original HCGUBM Matriarch, Battleaxe Galactica.

Chef chose to continue to believe his loon of an ex-MIL instead of his own brother!  And the cycle continues.   SD will be a mini me of the HCGUBM.

floralsm's picture

It's so sad isn't it? Showing them the truth in their faces and they still won't believe it. BM is very good at acting like the victim to them too as she's narcissistic and nothing is ever her wrong doing, always everyone else's. so SD feels sorry for her and manipulated to take her word over DH's. SS is switched on like DH and sees through her BS I think, he just gets defensive sometimes because it's his mother and probably holds onto anything that might look like she is actually a decent person. 

Harry's picture

Is he dumping SD on you ?   DH should be home if SD is at your home .  He should be handling this.

floralsm's picture

Oh Harry I wouldn't say he dumped them on me. DH isn't like that at all where he expects me to look after his kids. He did ask me and I didn't mind as the past 6-8 months they have been relatively good to look after and it was an unusual circumstance where he couldn't pick them up till late so BM agreed she will drive nearly an hour round trip to drop them to ours and Dh would be home in a few hours anyway.. we were just blind sighted that they were fuelled and ready with manipulation and PAS these past few days. I am waiting for the circle to continue. DH has taken them out of the house to give me a break 3 times already and I've been so relieved and much more relaxed now. 

Edit: Actually I did wonder why BM was so agreeable to drop them to ours knowing it will be only me home too.. normally she fights DH on it and keeps them until he can get there. I think she was ready for a confrontation with SD but got nothing. 

Rags's picture

The SpermClan thought the same as the Spermidiot added three younger also out of wedlock spawn by two other baby mamas over the years. CS just kept going up.  Most States use some variant of the Income Shares model which factors in the income of both bio parents and parenting time.  Adding additional dependant children to either side does not generally have significant impact as elder earlier relationship children generally maintain CS priority within the courts.  

Never forget, sugsequent children with a newer mate are not full sibs to a SKid and subsequent children have a non related parent to provide support.  

Spermidiot was sequentially nailed for more CS every time either we or he asked for a CS review.  All while my DW's income went through the roof and the Spermidiot's income stayed fairly stagnant. and his three younger spawn showed up over the years.  SS is an only child in our mariage and the eldest of 4 for the Spermidiot.  All 4 are adults now.  Our son is doing great, has served in the USAF for 12+ years and is intending to serve at least 20 and retire.  #2 is on the dole. #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind his inmate immediately elder brother.

As CS went up, the manipulations became more complex.  Spermidiot was ordered to provide medical insurance for SS from day one. He never did.  After the last CS review raised CS from $133/mo to $785/mo, a hearing that the SpermClan avoided, Spermidiot ran from the Constable serving process notification for the CS hearing, he came screaming into court crying about the direct payroll withholding of CS that was taking his entire pay check, he could not feed his other kids, etc.... CS was reduced to $385/mo after two years at $785 due to his avoidance of repeated hearing summons.  After that hearing, a few months later he attempted to get CS reduced by finally providing medical insurance for SS.  The Judge reset the 2yrs of no CS review and denied the request for CS reduction due to providing insurance.  

You may be very disappointed at the outcome of a CS review upon the birth of your next joint child with SO.