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I lost my sister to BM’s Dad

Floral_SM's picture

So quick recap if you didn't read my previous blogs. I put up with a toxic HCBM. My sister 40 (10 years older than me) is with BM's father 49, they have been an item for nearly 6 or so years. It's how I met my DH a few years after he split with BM. 

My relationship with my sister became strained the more serious DH and I became. We didn't know we would fall in love. But it happened and BM has been on a narcisstic mission to make my life hell for it. She didn't want DH, but no one can have him either. Especially the sister of her 'step mum'. BM wanted him to be single and her door mat, while she can date other men all she wants. That's the impression I got when DH was a single dad all those years.

For nearly four years I walk on eggshells with my sister when it comes to me discussing what I put up with regarding BM as it offends her partner that I 'rag on his daughter'. I thought we could both vent about how toxic she is, in both our lives. But where DH sticks up for me, her partner won't do the same for her. My sister is in massive denial step hell having BM as a toxic SD.  

So, my problem is I can't talk to my sister as her partner is making it hard getting 'offended'. The other thing that annoys me with BM's dad is he wants a 'friendship' with my DH and talks to him like he's still the son in law to him. BM encourages her dad to keep doing this to annoy me. I told DH if BM's dad wants to be 'mates' now he's your BIL, tell him how his daughter makes our life miserable. Maybe he can tell her to stop and kick her ass into gear to move on with her life. 

DH previously sat BM's dad down and told him EVERYTHING she had done to destroy his life when they broke up.  How she Cheated, the fraud, laziness, neglect, threats, LIES. BM's dad said 'I'll talk to her, thanks for telling me, I know what she's like.. blah blah'. Does nothing. BM (27) has grown her entire life getting away with disgusting behaviour. She has a brother mid twenties, that's exactly the same. Through the years in our marriage, DH sat with him again and told him what BM does to him being a toxic pain in the bum. Again he says he doesn't agree with her actions, but he doesn't hear what we put up with only what she tells him. If he says he knows what she's like, then don't condone her in my opinion.

Meanwhile, my sister defends her partner to our family including our parents. She says we treat him poorly, because of who his daughter is. It's not the case at all, he just condones her behaviour and doesn't stick up for her. He disrespects my sister alongside his daughter. She doesn't even see it. Here are the examples:

- My sisters 40th birthday was at his house she recently moved in to. His drunk son urinated on her dog, and then laughed as our family and her friends patted the dog afterwards. Dad witnessed it and told my sister what happened. She told her partner what his son did and he said 'oh, I'll talk to him later'.  My parents were enraged he didn't pull his son up then and there. So disrespectful. 

-My sister used to have weekly dinners with just him at their local sports club they are involved in. BM found out and started to rock up, and sit with them every week. My sister became annoyed and told her partner he needs to speak with his daughter about some boundaries. He had a go at my sister and said 'I can't deny my daughter dinner with me, especially if she brings my grandchildren'. When she told me this and now doesn't go, I was baffled she accepted to be treated like that. 

-BM's rental didn't get renewed and she purposely didn't tell anyone until the DAY she was supposed to move out. She called her dad 'help me, otherwise me and the kids will be out on the street' so he allowed her to stay on his property without considering my sister and her two boys as a factor. 

When the incident where BM refused DH to take SD in his care, DH tried knocking on the door to get her dad to help him talk sense into his daughter and calm his grandchildren. The coward shut the door in my DH's face! Told him 'it's got nothing to do with me'. SS was crying. DH was furious. He turned and saw BM's smug face knowing her dad would let her get away with being a complete biatch. So he scooped up his crying son and left, with BM smirking holding his daughter. 

So DH is completely done with BM's dad. He said to me I will sit opposite him at a family birthday or gathering of your side, for the sake of you and your sister but that's it. I'm done being 'mates' when he doesn't have my back, and only his daughter's. I told my sister this, and she has been fed a completely different side of the story by her partner what happened that afternoon. She said 'what was he supposed to do? He can't control his adult daughter'. I shot back at her 'well instead of kicking her out of his property, not changing her car loan into his name, not having talks with her, and continue seeing her weekly at dinner which used to be yours I can see what he isn't doing. What he should have done that day was bring his crying grandchildren inside at least! How dare he allow his daughter to do that on his property knowing full well DH is a decent and good father'. My sister said nothing and suggested I leave. 

She just told me that she is cancelling Christmas on our side of the family because her partner is too uncomfortable to sit with us. Even just me rocking up with my baby is not acceptable. My DH has to be mates again with her partner or we won't see them at all. My parents now can't see their two daughters and grandchildren together because of him. I got so angry and I told her that she needs to wake up. BM is his mini wife and she needs to find a man that has the guts to stick up for her instead of just wine and dining her. No man would make her choose her family over him. If he was a decent bloke he would say for her to see her family on her own with her two children, and send my DH a text to smooth things over. He hasn't done any of those things and continue to live up narcissistic BM's bum. 

It's just so sad, but I have invited my parents over to spend Christmas with us with my DH family's side instead. My sister is so annoyed she and her partner are not invited either. It's my DH's family lunch. It's not my side too? Anyway, she is making my parents go down to her house (they refuse to drive to them) to see her, her partner and her kids. My poor parents are just broken heated this is what it's now down too. But they completely understand why my DH doesn't want anything to do with BM's dad after the way he treated him, and hope their daughter (my sister) wakes up and gets rid of him and his toxic daughter. That way, BM can really only be the BM in my life instead of my sister's SD too. 

Sorry for the long post. Thank god DH puts me first in all of this. We love each other and just want to move on together. I'm hoping 2021 will be a better year for us! 


tog redux's picture

Sounds like BM and her brother didn't fall far from the tree (their father).

Your DH is right that better boundaries are needed - this whole thing is too weird. Good for you for not allowing your sister to "cancel Christmas" as if she was in charge of everyone's life - your parents can see her on another day.  I'd keep my distance from her if I were you - keep it civil and refuse to discuss all of this drama. And yes, your DH needs to cut off former FIL, he sounds toxic.

Floral_SM's picture

Thank you, and yes they didn't fall far from the tree. They are revolting and toxic people. Yep I have decided to keep my distance and I know my sister will regret what she's done once all the dust is settled. 

CLove's picture

I cant imagine the H#ll you are living in with the BM. And having to watch your sister go down the rabbit hole and drink all the koolaide.

Im sorry you have to go through all that.

Toxic Troll had a thing about announcing to DH who she was dating that I had dated previously. And that she "does things better than I do"...

What a mess.

I hope your sister gets out of her fog of denial.

Floral_SM's picture

It's been a rough few years. Oh ick! Your toxic troll sounds so much like the one I deal with. 
Me too. I have a new baby girl and she is missing out on seeing a little niece grow up Sad

CLove's picture

Shes just gross.

Hard for me to see Munchkin looking like her.

Hard for me to imagine DH falling in "Love" with trailer trash".

But there you go!

Floral_SM's picture

Same! DH said 'SD is a spit of her mother now' and I nearly spat out my drink he admitted it.

BM rocked up at our place this week to pick up the skids and DH said she looked like a haggered Vampire. Black hair, white skin, and a tight black dress with black clogs. I saw her briefly in the window and was like WTF is she wearing?? Should have offered her our bowl of remaining Halloween lollies in our cupboard haha. 

Stepping Along's picture

This made me really sad and angry to read! I have read your previous blogs and your BM is right up there amongst some of the worst. I often find in my own scenario getting more and more annoyed at those around these f*cked up people that not only tolerate their behaviour but enable it.

I am so sorry you have to deal with these people and that your sister can not see through it. I know its not the worst thing written in here, but when i read about the SS pissing on the dog.... that would have been curtains for me!

Floral_SM's picture

Thanks, it makes me so angry too. I purposely didn't attend my sisters 40th with DH because I knew both BM and her brother would be there. I'm so glad I stayed home. My parents felt so uncomfortable being there, and was so angry how disrespected they all were by their revolting behaviour. I don't know why my sister puts up with it. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I hate how the holidays bring poo like this to a head.

Sounds like it's time for you to detach with love. Your sister has been with BM's Daaddee for several years, and must learn for herself how dysfunctional this all is. You need to go No Contact with her, and let her experience the consequences of her bad decisions.

As for your DH, I don't quite understand why he ever thought the man who helped make BM the pos person she is would be on his side. Blood is usually thicker than water, especially when the source of the strife lives on your property. ExFIL is not going to poke that crazy bear. No, he just wants to put his head back in the sand and be comfy.

You started losing your sister the minute she signed on with this low rent family. You and your H need to step back from the lot of them and focus your energies on building an amazing, successful life.

Floral_SM's picture

Yes I definitely agree with this. It took DH a few years to accept it I think. I'm glad he worked it out for himself and we can both leave them in the dust. We just need to move on and live a happy life away from the toxicity. Thanks Smile

Peach's picture

I hope your sister wakes up and doesn't continue to be a doormat.  If that low life urinated on my dog, all hell would have broken lose right then and there.  Disgusting behavior.

still learning's picture

So you married your sisters ex step son-in-law and wonder why there's weirdness... Were there no other available men??? I feel for you.  This is high drama right off All my Children. 

Floral_SM's picture

Well I didn't plan on it, but we both have never experienced this love for each other before. Actually she and her partner encouraged it to begin with. Unfortunately, his daughter being the person she is, made the situation almost impossible for my sister and I, and my sister's partner true colours began to show. 
I think my DH is lucky I stuck around. Not many women would put up with this drama from BM, but the fact he would do anything for me, always putting me first and battling this together has made us stronger than ever. I think my sister is green at the gills that her partner doesn't treat her the same, but she will NEVER admit it. Another reason to turn her back on me I guess. 

justmakingthebest's picture

You sister is making her choice. It sucks and it is really sad but the best thing is probably to just back away. 

You don't have to completely shut her out of your life but limit communications. Stay away from events that would include her husband. End any talk that makes you feel uncomfortable. Set your walls up, but leave a window incase your sister comes to her senses one day.

Floral_SM's picture

Yeah I have backed away, and told my parents I would never deny her seeing her baby niece. It's just she needs to come on her own, and leave him at home. 

Thumper's picture

Holy Cow..........

Nope,,,too much drama for my life. Later lol

Floral_SM's picture

Yep I hate drama too. Hence why I need to cut her loose. We can't stand it anymore.