I lost it at SS
I think I just cracked under all the pressure in my life. The weekend annoyed me because I had to deal with the In Laws. Long story short - my baby is not treated as my first baby. She's just number 7 GC and number 3 child to my in laws. We usually sit and be ignored, while DH and SS and SD are amongst the social interactions. I can't stand the passive aggressive crap I receive from his family.
I also have just put in the marina, and have felt my hormones go crazy. I am breast feeding so that isn't helping with my short fuse with the skids. DH has been working LONG hours, meaning I am stuck feeling like the nanny lately which has never been the case. My old car I just sold to DH's mate's business got a speeding fine and they haven't changed my name on the rego so I received it in the post.. I was FUMING.
By the time I sat trying to feed my 6 month old, and hearing arguing with SS and SD.. I just saw red. I can't even remember exactly what I screamed at him, but it was along the lines of him not respecting me and not helping me out by just doing what he's told. He cried. I was nearly crying. SD was smug because he got in trouble which annoyed me more. I felt TERRIBLE after. But we are only human?? It's so hard to parent another persons child! Why should It be put on me? Anyway..
The good news is I unloaded on DH when he got home. Told him I can't keep doing this crap. I said I feel my options as a SM is deal with this life or Leave it, and said I'm struggling really hard these days dealing with his kids. He straight away organised OSHC after school every day he's working and taking them to school. I am so relieved. I nearly made an appointment to see someone because I felt like I was drowning. I can't talk to my DH about it sometimes because he hates hearing me dislike his children. He said to me there's always a time for us to chat and I disagreed. There's never an easy time to hear the woman he loves say she is starting to resent his own children. I feel terrible and he feels hurt. But we agreed we need to really try it more before I bottle it up again.
Some days as a step mum, even after all these years doing it, I struggle. As the kids get older, and Toxic BM neglects them, and DH works, and I chose to be home with my first baby, it takes its toll on me. I just hate that my attention is drawn away from my baby to parent the skids more than anything. That's what I told DH. I told him the way it's going I can't uphold my half of our marriage and I think I really scared him. He was so good how quick he acted on fixing the structure for me, and just reminded me why I married him. He's a good man, trying to work hard for his family. I just can't look after his kids though. It's not what I signed up for and it's taking its toll. Fingers crossed things get easier!