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Disengage time!

floralsm's picture

Well it's been a few months since my last vent and I had my baby boy a month ago! He is very cute and my heart is full. DD3 loves him and DH and I are smitten.

Of course SD and SS have been hard to deal with lately. I have been forced to disengage again. It's a shame because for a while there SS was really good and we were having a good relationship. SD wasn't bad either but now BM has ramped up her PAS games she has gone back to not liking me and basically been sneaky and playing games to try and get a reaction out of me. 

She sneaked her school jacket from our house back to BMs last week instead of taking back the jumper from BMs. I prepared myself to never see it again but surprisingly she wore it back. That never happens of our clothes we buy them. I didn't comment and I think she was a bit miffed I never said anything. 

The week before she hung off DH. She cooked with him, did the gardening with him, watched tv with him, and even worked out in our home gym with him. He started cleaning and she helped him with that too. I mentioned it and of course he loves that his daughter is showing interest in him again (normally she tends to be on her phone to BM 24/7 and ignore us basically). I told him I think she's trying to see if it will annoy me as now I can't really do those things with you anymore as I am breast feeding a newborn 24/7. 

He thought I was overthinking it and she's just being a sweetheart. Mmm ok let's see how long it lasts. She also did things that annoy me that I pull DD3 up on. Plus annoy me with how they play with DD3! Wrestle and be stupid with her when all she wants to do is puzzles, read books, colour in and roll a ball on the floor. They find all that boring and hype her up instead which drives me nuts!! 

DH and I had an agreement he would pull them into line as they don't listen to me when I tell them off. In the past I just pick up DD and distract her from their bad behaviour by implementing something constructive. I don't bother telling them off but educate DD that the behaviour they do is not ok and sit her infront of her toys away from them. Then we hear them wrestling and being stupid in their rooms and DH doesn't seem to care so I shut the door on them and leave them to it. 

I also had an incident with SS back chatting me and being rude infront of DHs family. FIL actually stepped in and told him off for looking after himself first and not offering and giving his cousin a drink. SS can be a jerk sometimes. It was good to see DH family see it actually. But of course he does it when DH isn't around. I told DH he has been rude in how he speaks to people lately.  BMs brother told him SS speaks to him rudely a lot and thought he should know BM doesn't pull him up on it.. and he said SS speaks rudely to BM too but she just ignores him and doesn't parent it. DH said he will monitor it but again, it's hard for him to do when SS doesn't do it infront of him. 

Does anyone els relate to this? It's just super annoying and I have stopped parenting them (which DH likes me to do as it supports him - I know, not my job) but I hate doing it as they don't listen and they have a dysfunctional mother that is their friend not their parent so anything I say they think I'm over the top, when in actual fact every normal parent does it. Super frustrating so I've disengaged and DH understands and respects it, he just wishes it was different. 



CLove's picture

If they want rude jerks as children, then do what they are doing and dont parent.

And then see what happens later on...!

So, when you disengage, of COURSE your husband doesnt want that - it makes more work for him. Too funny that FIL is calling the little sh!t out on his stuff. Someone has to!

Congratulations on your BUD-ndle of joy! Like how I did that?

Super frustrating trying to actually parent children that arent yours when the actual parents have no interest in parenting.

Another user posted in the adult forum about SD hanging all over dadee cakes (a 23 yo!) and it was super annoying even when the stepper was doing chores because it was ONLY dadees chores. EGADS. Its done specifically to get to you.

floralsm's picture

Thanks Clove! Haha very happy with my new bundle. Yes  I remember reading that post! It reminded me of what I put up with. It's funny because this week she has gone back to her old ways of distancing herself and being sneaky and quiet again. Ugh it's annoying. 

Rags's picture

we are married to, to  actually parent.  Particularly when the children they bring into our lives tend to be ill behaved.

This is on DH, not on you.

Tell DH what he will do regarding his rude children and make sure he is clear that he has no choice.

You have two little ones to focus on.  His two failed family progeny have had their turn being 3yo and a new born.  They cannot be allowed to interfere in DD3's and DS's turn.  DH owes you and your two shared young ones this turn. His failed family ill behaved spawn have ad their turn. They must be held to behavioral standards appropriate to their ages.


Sadielady's picture

I can relate. After our blended family split apart, SS30 was a total ass to me. So DH tore a strip off him. Result? SS does all the right things in front of DH, and only in front of DH. 
Example: SS30 didn't acknowledge Mother's Day this year. First time in 12 years. When DH asked him, 2 days later, if it had been intentional, SS said "shoot, my bad, I meant to text her first thing and then forgot". DH was pleased. I was too, until the rest of the day went by without SS texting to tell me he forgot and hoped I'd had a happy mothers day, which is what you'd do if you actually forgot.

CLove's picture

Power sulk didnt text me happy birthday this year. first time. husband did not mention it at all.

Kloewent's picture

This thing about, I can't parent the kid cause I didn't personally see him do it is lazy and ridiculous. Would he say that to a cop who arrested the brat for something? As a parent you often take the word of other people, teachers, neighbors, etc. it isn't a jury trial where proof is required. If you do this-this will happen. Doesn't matter if I see it.

Rags's picture

and mom would say "Just wait until your father gets home!"  

Mom would very effectively discipline us in real time. Then dad would hide what remained of our bodies when he got home and got the overview of what we had done.

"Nope mom. Dad didn't see it so he can't do anythign about it."  Would have been decidedly poor judgement on our parts.


floralsm's picture

Thanks for the replies and totally agree. DH actually tore strips of SS when I asked how was school and he ignored me and was on his phone and only gave me a one word answer. I'm so used to his moods (he was grumpy about lord knows what) that I was shocked when he had a go at SS being rude. He said sorry and put his phone down after that. But, it's a conscious effort for these kids to be nice!