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Having no say in his kids visit

FLnokids2021's picture

What do you do when your guy just assumes it's cool to have his kids come stay with us for a month?  He doesn't even ask if it's okay with me even tho it affects me - it affects me financially and I also work from home so it's a distraction.  I always treat them kind but I feel a bit disrespected that it is assumed and not discussed.  Also, it's a hard subject to bring up to him bc he gets very defensive about them.

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Cover1W's picture

Most of us have dealt with this, me just recently when YSD15 dictated her March schedule and DH accepted without talking with me.

I have been with DH for almost eight years and luckily we can talk about these situations now, but it took years and lots of arguing. I would start by non-judgementally discussing how this effects you, not making it about the kids. You need to work. You will not be spending your money on a situation you had no control of and neither will your time be spent doing child care (cooking, watching them, etc.). Stick to it and be firm, calm and constant.

Then do what you say. DH does not get help if you have no say (responsibility without authority).

If you are interrupted at work you DO have say. If it effects you directly. Kids screaming and distracting you or interrupting meeting? You can tell them to be quiet and follow through with resolution. You can throw away things not cleaned up rather than cleaning them.

Decide how you want to approach it yourself and be the adult. With or without kids you are an authority figure.

GreenB's picture

My DH decided to bring SS to live with us full time without even asking me if it was okay with me (I am home more than him so SS's responsibility mostly falls on me). He didn't listen to me when I told him I can't take care of SS, and now I have a lot of resentment against him and, unfortunately, SS. I am disengaging because I am becoming so anxious to the point where I lose my breath or start shaking. If your man wants his children there with him, then he should do the job, not letting you take care of them. You work from home, so you need your space and he needs to understand that. Does he work or are you the provider? If he works then you don't have to spend a dollar on the kids, he can do it! 

FLnokids2021's picture

I'm mostly providing right now.  I work but we also run a business together than he works at but it's not profiting due to covid.

Winterglow's picture

Make sure he takes them with him to work during the day. Why should he leave them at your work just because you work from home? It's no less working than what he does during the day. And you make damn sure he personally pays for everything extra that is required for them (food, snacks, entertainment, etc.). If he balks at either of those conditions, he cancels their visit. You are not his maid, nor his nanny.

How old are they and how many of them are there?

FLnokids2021's picture

They are 11(b) and 9(g).  I don't prefer he brings them to work as it's our business that he works at and I get annoyed when he brings them bc I think it's disruptive.  :/

Winterglow's picture

And they aren't disruptive to your work when they're in your home? Send them to work with him and tell him to PARENT his darn kids and not let them run riot!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

YSD got dropped at out doorstep 6 weeks ago with no end in sight. I would never tell him she can't be there as she has no other place to go.

That being said other than my investment in how my house is kept and me putting my foot down about YSD cleaning up after herself. I don't do anything for YSD. I do not help with school, I do not feed her, I do not transport her and I do not change my plans to accommodate her. 

I am away this weekend with DS, SO can't go because he has to stay home with YSD. I am going on vacation in April.  SO will have to stay home with YSD.

I do not feel the slightest bit guilty about it either. Simply because if SO was a better parent it wouldn't be so unpleasant taking his kids places. That's on him. 

I just had a conversation with YSD yesterday as she was complaining I was draconian for keeping on her about her room. 

I shut her right down when I pointed out to her DS who is the same age has to clean his room, do chores, yard work, shovel, and pick up dog poop.  I check his homework every night and make sure it's done. He has to turn in his electronics every night at 9pm. He goes to tutoring 3x a week,  plays sports and gets grounded when he is out of line.

YSD on the other hand has a zero average, sits on Tik Tok all day and night, doesn't have a bedtime. She doesn't do any chores and doesn't know what a consequence is. So I don't want to hear her say I treat her unfairly. 

I then threw a dig in on her and said I make DS do all those things because I love him and want to to grow up to be a successful adult who is independent and because that's what parents are supposed to do.

Since you have to work from home and SKs are a distraction. I suggest you find a place to go work for the day like a family members or friends house. Short term to make a point to DH.  This will force DH to have to figure out what to do with his kids. When he complains simply say, you can't risk your job with all the distractions. 

IDontCare3117's picture

I was with you right until you said OP should find another place to work - friends or family - to make a point to her DH.  No.  The only point her DH would get is his snowflakes can stay home to do as they please, and if OP is inconvenienced ... oh, well.  Waking up the skids to get dressed and go with their father to HIS work and making HIS children HIS responsibility might get the point across OP isn't a built-in caregiver.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I was under the impression they were younger and not able to be left alone. So OP not being there would put him in a position to find care for them during the day.

IDontCare3117's picture

The skids' ages don't matter.  It's not OP's job to rearrange her work to take care of them, and she shouldn't have to.  I've worked from home for many years.  I can't simply pick up my computer and go someplace else to work for more than an hour or two.  I need my office.  I stand by my contention if the skids are there, they are the responsibility of their father.  If OP didn't work from home, what would he do with his kids???

simifan's picture

You aren't wrong, no one should have to leave their home but we've seen here often enough SO leaves and the step-parent is left holding the bag. I think her idea was more to not be there so SO can't leave. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Ummmm, WickedStepmother is right. She should find another place to work, temporarily. Why? Because if she's not THERE, he can't dump the kids on her. He will be FORCED to make other arrangements.

Yes, she could go to war with him about making other arrangements, but sometimes the swiftest way to address the problem is to create a NEED to address it.

If no one is home for them, HE will have to stay at home with them or make other arrangements. Once he makes arrangements, the OP can happily return home to work and pat her SO on the back. When he tries to renege on the arrangement, she can make it crystal clear that she WORKS from home. She doesn't sit at home wishing she could watch someone's kids.

tog redux's picture

Time to separate finances so you aren't paying extra when you get no input. And let him know the kids need to go elsewhere during the day while you are working.

Also, invite a family member to stay with you for a while and don't tell him.

I'd never make it long-term with a selfish guy like this.  It's common courtesy to talk to your wife about things that affect her in her own home, if nothing else.  If he wanted to do whatever whenever, he should not have gotten married again.

Don't let his defensiveness stop you from bringing it up. That's another poor relationship skill - the inability to talk to your partner about things that concern her.

FLnokids2021's picture

No

ESMOD's picture

1.  Are they minor children?

2.  If so.. does he have a custody order that gives him this time.. even if it may not give dates?

3. WHY does it cost YOU financially?  his kids shouldn't cost you a dime.. if household costs go up.. he should be paying more of them while they are there.

4.  If there was any flexibility to the timing of their visit.. he should have at least given you a heads up... to make sure that it wasn't a bad time... especially for a month.

BTW.. if this is adult kids.. a month is a long time for a visit. don't they have jobs?

Survivingstephell's picture

If you hate confrontation, some of this advice sounds impossible but until you stand up for yourself, make the situation such that he is forced to deal with HIS decision, nothing will change and your resentment will increase.  You have leverage as you make the money that supports the family.  
 

I'dalso ask him what happens if you lose your job and the money goes away. Can he find a good paying job to make up the difference?    He's got it good right now and you don't. Shift your priorities OP.  Put yourself first, these skids are not infants.  They can torture their father.