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HELP!! I may have bitten off way more than I can chew!!

firedescending's picture

Hey everyone, let me first thank you for reading and for any help/advice you can offer. So Im 33, never been married and no bio-kids. I have been dating my gf for 4 years now and she has a 13 year old daughter. I must say that I have never been this frustrated in my life, the kid is ridiculous but Im starting to really understand that its all mommys fault, (or alt least I think it is). You be the judge..
So I have been a part of their lives for 4 years now and the childs rude, selfish, obnoxious behavior has never improved, not even a little. She is such a condescending smart ass to everyone. She stays wrapped up in some kind of drama or trouble at school all the time. The grandparents and aunt and uncles dont want anything to do with her. We have never been able to keep a baby sitter more than a few days before they've had enough. This has been a point of contention for me and gf since the beginning of our relationship, She has assured me that everything would improve with time, but im finding that to be completely untrue. I have never met a lazier human being in all my life. She has always stayed up as late as she wants to even though I have tried to set a bed time and a shower time. I have tried rewarding her for bathing when I say or going to bed when I say. She could care less. She doesnt bathe regularly even after having started her period about 4 months ago. (she gets pretty stinky after a few days). Gf doesnt make her to any chores at all, so she basically lives in the couch with an iphone in her hand. (I bought the phone and pay the phone bill but Im not allowed to take her phone away as punishment). As a matter of fact I can only be daddy when she needs new shoes or clothes, its ok for me to be daddy at christmas and on birthdays,and various other special occasions, but its not ok for me to be daddy in any other way shape or form.
If i tell her its shower time, she runs to mommy and mommy says "do whatever you want" if I tell her its bedtime and to turn the tv off and go to bed, i get shut down by mommy. Mommy and I dont have sex as often as either of us want to because we cant stay up later than the kid, and she will only do it once the kid is asleep. She lives like a princess, her mommy brings her everything she wants so that she never has to get off of her ass, meanwhile me and gf are steadily grinding to keep the house clean and laundry done and food on the table. I suggest that the kid should get up and help and gf says no. She says my mother was a slave driver for making me do chores and that she isnt going to raise her child to be any ones slave. I basically live in the bedroom now days because the kid discusts me, i cant even hear her voice without getting pissed off. Gf is so desperate for my attention that she doesnt spend any real quality time with the kid, she never tries to teach her any basic life skills, the proper way to converse with adults, how to earn attention instead of demand it. Gf, has steadily gone from a couple beers every other night to a full six pack or more EVERY night, and I know its because she cant even stand her own kid and the misery she brings. I have tried to sit and have conversations with the kid, I have tried to give gf ideas and methods but all she wants to do is jump right up my ass and let the kid do whatever she wants as long as it doesnt cost her any time with me. Is this a common story? Is this the new norm? SHOULD I FLEE TO THE SHADOWS?


learningallthetime's picture

This is horrendous, lazy parenting by the mom. First, you need to get her in counseling as the drinking and the lack of interest points at some issues there. Then, you need to lay down the rules. She may not want to raise her kid to be a "slave" but unless she wants her daughter with her forever, she needs to teach her daughter how to look after herself.

My son is 9. I am a single mom. Ex does nothing, provides no support, disappears for long length of times. My life is EASIER because I have taught my son I expect his help! He knows he needs to do chores, we have no set list because it is just the two of us, and we do not make too much mess, but if I ask him to do something, he knows to get it done. I teach him how to do things, have learned the things he prefers (sweeping and mopping, bathrooms), so we split the load and things are done quicker and we can have fun.

I have a boyfriend of 10 months, we are getting pretty serious. I would NEVER expect him to shoulder the load in any way! If he wants to help, and be involved, fine. But that is not an expectation of mine. And that includes he should not have to clean up after me or my child. Granted, we do not live together, but that day is coming, and my son knows he will be expected to contribute to our house.

I really think GF is depressed, possibly self medicating with alcohol, and in denial of the issue. She is overwhelmed and ignoring. But that is not an excuse. She needs to step up and start setting boundaries and rules. If she had done this already people would have no problem helping - my family live in another country, but because I have raised my son well, I have plenty of friends (both parents through his school and my own) who are more than happy to watch son if I need them too. Sounds like GF has burned her bridges, that is not your problem! Sounds like a head to head is needed - either she steps up, or you leave.

learningallthetime's picture

Only you can answer that. I am not there, and cannot judge what has been said and done.

firedescending's picture

I actually dread coming home.. but I feel like such an asshole. I mean who tells someone that their parenting sucks, and their kid sucks? I do care about her alot (obvioiusly been dealing for four years) and she is so good to me. I have tried to make her understand that her child needs her time more than I do, but she still wants to give me all of her time, like the kid can wait till later. I can see that its really gf getting what she wants and nobody else is getting what they want.

Last In Line's picture

She IS NOT good to you if she is letting her child behave towards you in the manner you described. She is USING you, and only doing what is required otherwise to keep you and your funds available.

oneoffour's picture

So you are really just an ATM with benefits and not that many benefits.

I would move out and soon. Tell her the current situation is not acceptable and you both have different expectations for a family. You will continue to see her but only in the 'dating' capacity. No more overnights at her place. Her domestic situation is not your style. You aren't breaking up with her but living in a situation that is best for both of you.

She needs to date a few more men to realise her lazy parenting has created this distasteful domestic arrangement. If she thinks everything is just fine, OK. She is on her own.

Are you paying for the phone? If so drop Miss Pissy Pants from your account, today.
And do not drop another cent her way until she has a 180 with the attitude. I bet you will be saving a LOT of money.

Amcc13's picture

As above with the others : you are a glorified atm.
Things have not settled, things are not improving. You owe this woman nothing, you tried four long years.
Please go and make a life for yourself else where
You deserve better than this.

LikeMinded's picture

I agree wth everyone here. The fact is, you have no future with this woman. You don't share the same values. If you guys had a kid together, you would ALWAYS be the bad guy--and that's a crappy life to live.

A friend of mine, a former counselor, once told me that when we are in a partnership, we become whatever is necessary to create balance. So if you're with a Disney parent, then you have to become the bad guy, otherwise it's complete chaos. I'm sure you're not happy being the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy with 3 kids... but I refuse to be the bad guy with our youngest. And I'm honest about it. I just spoil him and when he acts out of control, daddy has to deal with it. That's our arrangement, because with the other 3, I'm always the bad guy and it makes me misearable.

So I've kind of disengaged from disciplining my SKIDS, and I let DH be the bad guy with our bio kid... but I ride my teenage daughter! And she's turning out to be a young woman that I'm quite proud of.

I can tell you from my middle-aged perspective that love is not enough to create a good partnership. You need to find a parther that pushes you to become a better version of yourself, not a worse one. It's ok to care about this woman, but you should also care about yourself and your future. She has shown you how much se is willing to do to make this work, which is absolutely nothing.

You've given these people time, effort and money. 4 years of your life.. you have no reason to feel guilty,. Your needs are not getting met at all. Get out of there and whatever you do... don't get this gf pregnant!

firedescending's picture

So funny a couple of you have used the term "Disney parent" because the kid lives within the Disney channel, which is nothing but teen soap opera full of drama and bullshit...