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OT: unhinged dating experience (it’s crazy out there, y’all!)

Felicity0224's picture

Saturday evening a gentleman I've been seeing for a while took me to a beautiful resort (near my home) to celebrate my birthday. We started the date with massages in the spa, then got dressed up and went to the hotel bar for a cocktail before dinner. 

Everything was lovely, the drinks were great, the atmosphere was gorgeous, and we were having a great conversation. All of the sudden, he went completely wide-eyed, jumped up and said, "I'm not feeling well, give me a minute please" and took off towards the lobby. I was genuinely concerned that he was really sick, but he came back about 10 minutes later and said he was fine, so we went to our table.

After we'd been seated for a few minutes, the bartender who had made our drinks when we arrived, came to the table and placed a cocktail in front of my date and said, “Mr. ______, I’m supposed to tell you that this is from Miss ______.” The look on his face was incredibly familiar to me - total panic. Somehow, I just KNEW what was happening. 

So I flat out asked him, “do you have a girlfriend? And is she in this restaurant right now?” 

“No, I don't have a girlfriend.”

“Is there someone in this restaurant who believes that she is your girlfriend?” 

“She shouldn’t, I’m very clear with everyone I date that I’m not interested in an exclusive relationship.”

To be fair, he has been clear about that with me, so I don’t really have a reason to think he’d tell anyone else something different. And also, I very much do not care. I will never get married again, so I have zero interest in a relationship that is that serious. So I was prepared to kind of laugh it off and move along, except for what happened next.

He gave the drink to our waiter and told him that he didn’t want it. I guess the “not girlfriend” was watching us and realized I wasn't leaving, because then she started calling him repeatedly. He switched his phone off after the third call. Then she came into the dining room and approached our table, demanding that he come outside and talk to her. To say that I was mortified is an understatement. He refused, and told her, “it’s Felicity’s birthday and you are ruining it.” Which was probably the absolute worst thing he could have said to a nearly hysterical person. So then she stormed out. 

At this point, my nerves were shot. My XH had a habit of attracting women (including BM and then the woman he had an affair with) whose behavior could be very volatile and I was on the receiving end of them lashing out on more than one occasion. I’m the exact opposite, I never raise my voice, get extremely emotional, or behave irrationally. So it’s always scared me to be around people who can’t control their emotions/behavior. This situation gave me flashbacks and left me feeling very unsettled. 

When we got back to the room and I checked my phone, I discovered a barrage of messages from this woman on instagram. How she found me that quickly, I do not know because I had zero clue who she was. In any case, I was over it and told him that I was going to pack up and go home. He then switched on his phone and discovered that in the 45 minutes since she’d stormed out of the restaurant, she had called him 51 times and sent countless texts. I was shocked and it only reinforced my decision to leave. 

This morning he called to say that he was really sorry and would like a chance to re-do my birthday. He told me that he ended things with her directly and had blocked her on every possible outlet. I actually do believe him when he says he hadn’t done anything wrong, but I’m still not inclined to put myself in a situation where there is potential for that much drama. 

I remember when XH and I first started dating and BM would act insane, I just brushed it off as an unfortunate circumstance that would probably resolve itself. But not only did it just continue to escalate with BM, years later XH brought another person into my orbit who was equally unstable. I’m not eager to repeat that history, so I think I’m just going to chalk this up to a crappy dating experience and move on with my life. 


Felicity0224's picture

That's what I was so curious about. This particular bar/restaurant is on a resort property, so not really a place that people in town just go for a Saturday night dinner unless it's a special occasion and they're staying there. We live in a huge city, there are countless other establishments. It seems like too big of a coincidence that she just happened to be there at the same time we were. I think she might have been tracking him somehow, or possibly someone she knew recognized him and told her? Either way, it was too much for me to deal with. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

All of the sudden, he went completely wide-eyed, jumped up and said, "I'm not feeling well, give me a minute please" and took off towards the lobby. 

Translation: I just spotted a crazy chick I've been seeing and mentally soiled myself.

He may honestly tell everyone he dates that it's not an exclusive relationship and he's seeing others. However, if he blocked her on every possible outlet, how did he have 51 calls and countless texts on his phone? That doesn't pass the smell test. 

Kudos to you for refusing to engage in the drama.

Felicity0224's picture

Yes, you're right about the mentally soiling himself lol. That's exactly what his facial expression looked like! But the blocking took place *after* all the calls and texts, the next morning based on what he told me. 

AgedOut's picture

the problem with dating but not commiting to unhinged people is that they don't accept what you tell them and build it to more inn their heads. he has created that situation for himself, I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to be on his crazy-go-round. 

Dollbabies's picture

were going to say she was his daughter! 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I don't have a story that good but I operate my city's electric system so I work with a lot of linemen, substation, standby people to get power on.  The Control Center is 24/7 365 days a year obviously cause power outages and emergencies don't care about weekends and holidays.  People go on standby all the time including tree crews.  Not too long ago, the phone rang and I answered "Control Center.. Nowire speaking" and next thing I know I'm being BERATED and called a ho and all kinds of not nice names. she went through her husband's phone and saw this number calling him and all hours of the night.  I was all, "jesus, lady.  This is the Utility Company  Is your man on standby for power restoration   ?"  cue embarrassment and the phone hanging up.  It was a tree guy's wife 

Aniki-Moderator's picture


Harry's picture

Just have to drop one in the car someplace. Tape it to something. And you will be tracked.  Big thing today with people having affairs.   Any iPhone here that AirTag will send you the location.  Like someone passing the car in the motel parking lot 

advice.only2's picture

 All of the sudden, he went completely wide-eyed, jumped up and said, "I'm not feeling well, give me a minute please" and took off towards the lobby.

To me this just reeks, he obviously knew he got caught and had you not confronted him head on I wonder what “story” he would have spun.  Seeing as you were up front about it probably gave him the opening to set up his little story.  Either way I don’t think this guy is as open and honest as he would have you believe and it’s good you decided to move on.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I struggle to believe that this woman was just plain crazy. It's good he told you that he was NOT looking for anything serious or that he was committed to you. But that doesn't mean that's what he told her.

AND, there are toxic people that push insecure people too far. When I was with my XH2 (the covert narcissist), he had crazy making down to a science and I found myself at risk of stooping to his level because of the ways he played on my insecurities. I think it's called reactive abuse.

So, while there's a good chance she is legit unstable, there is also a chance that he played into it and pushed her to be unstable.

I would let that one go. You were wise to walk away.

Felicity0224's picture

Oh believe me, I am incredibly familiar with that dynamic. XH's affair partner was undoubtedly a woman who had no morals, and some of the things she did to me and DD were indefensible and literally criminal. BUT, part of me did feel badly for her because I knew all too well that XH had lied to me so expertly, and was so skilled at gaslighting me into believing that he wasn't doing anything wrong and it was likely that he had her equally convinced that he was going to leave me and marry her. So it did somewhat explain the level of desperation she had when she realized that wasn't what was happening. The way she went about expressing it was another story, but I don't think she got there without any help, so to speak. That's why it was so easy for me to walk away from this situation. I'd like to believe he was being forthright with everyone, but it seems far-fetched that she would go THAT crazy if she was by a random coincidence being faced with a truth she already knew. The behavior seemed more like someone who was totally blindsided. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Oh God people are definitely unhinged... so so so unhinged. 

Im too old and tired to put up with that BS. I agree. Send this one packing. 

CLove's picture

Hes dodgy and you dodged a bullet. Sorry you went through that on your bday. Maybe you should call your GF and go do spa day with them as your do over! Ill go! LOL.

But seriously, get distance from this guy, that woman sounds like a real bunny boiler (sorry!)

Lillywy00's picture

but I’m still not inclined to put myself in a situation where there is potential for that much drama. 



He obviously doesn't have a handle on that like he claims and probably slick enjoyed the attention from not one but two women that day. 

Some of these people are very unstable and last thing you want is to be on the 5 o'clock news because you're at the wrong place wrong time with the wrong dude. 

I would abort that mission with that dude if I were you. 

Rags's picture

I applaud your taking care of and protecting yourself.

I have never had a "bunny boiler" (love that!) or anyone lose their mind with me like that.  Fortunately all of my relationship ends have been relatively drama free with XW being the most challenging with her waffling between whoring around, crying that I was not going to fight for her, and being pissed when I started dating and enjoying my resources from the same evening she and XFIL drove off from our recently purchased marital home hauling all of her shit to Grandpa Sugar/Baby daddy's place.

She was all snarky about hobnobbing with executives who had led international organizations and scornful of me in general, until .... her key no longer worked and when she banged on the door I answered the door (glass storm/security door recently installed and locked) with a towel wrapped around me and a hot young woman behind me wearing nothing but a sheet. That was the AM after she moved out.


I followed the "never again" model myself, until I met my DW of approaching 30 years.  She was one of a significantly large several I dated and enjoyed time with in the 4 years following my divorce.  It was abundantly clear that she was very different from the instant we first went out.  Even then, I nearly backed out of our engagement in a severe bout of cold feet and terror over a repeat of my blessedly short first marriage.  Blessedly, I figured it out pretty quick and we headed off to Tahoe and eloped.

Enjoy your life.  Be alert and take care of you.

Give rose

Stepdrama2020's picture

the next season of Baby Reindeer with a twist

So glad you arent entertaining this not so gentleman , gentleman.

Makes a great story though, but the reality would suck.