The Ingrate Express
I'm a stepdad to a young teenager. I've been with her mom, my wife, since she was a toddler and her birth-father is completely out of the picture. I recently went through a stepparent adoption so legally she's mine but I'm still very much treated like a stepparent.
Some background. My wife does not work and has not worked since shortly after we got together. She left her dead-end job - at my urging and even her employer's (they loved her but said without a degree she was doomed) - so she could finish school. She never went back to work after finishing. She had an open invite to go back to her original employer once she finished her degree but never did, nor found another.
She does most, but not all, of the cooking and virtually all the cleaning. I do most of the grocery shopping and some cooking. The child does next to nothing. She'll sometimes take out the trash and very seldom help with yardwork but doesn't lift a finger otherwise. It's not because she's studying: her grades are medicore, not terrible but definitely not great. She refuses to read anything besides pulp fiction books. She has no interest in news, history, or current events and refuses to even watch documentaries because "they're boring."
I'll admit that I've spoiled her. She has three gaming consoles, her own TV, her own computer (the newest in the house), an iPad, and an iPhone with an enormous data plan (the largest in the family). She has her own bedroom, Netflix, Amazon, and whatever else she wants. She's a screen-addict and genuinely believes that she's entitled to 24x7 entertainment. She's on with other children talking about junk non-stop day and night. I have *zero* say over any of that. She has one real friend, one that moved away, and a few acquaintances. Most of her "friends" are online. Her prior best-friend's mom banned her due to my SD's behavior: it's not just my perception something is wrong, and she's gotten a lot worse since (my wife says the mom is crazy).
I drive her to and from school every day, adjusting my work schedule for her. During the drives she decides the music we play and usually is buried in her phone. For background, I can come and go as I please and I'd rather come in and leave later but can't because of her. I've been told by both her and her mom that this is "literally nothing" - it means zero and counts for nothing as far as housework. They both complain that I don't earn enough. I could stand to have more money but have a solid middle-class income; it would be enough if they'd spend less but I'm given zero say in spending decisions. When I've asked them to at least be aware of prices and spend less they've both called me a "cheap Jew" (I am Jewish); they think that's funny.
I finally reached my breaking point when I wanted to leave work and my SD went missing: she didn't answer texts or phone calls. She reappeared about 20 minutes later and told me she'd decided to socialize with a friend and wasn't looking at her phone. This is a child who always looks at her phone. Literally, all the time, nonstop, compusively. I told her the only real purpose of her phone is to communicate with me and her mother and if she couldn't be bothered to watch out when she knew we were looking for her that I'd take it away. "I'll shove that phone up your ass," she told me.
Needless to say, that did not please me and I told her so. She came home crying and her mom attacked me. She thought the behavior was just fine and I have no right to expect the child to watch out for my texts or calls, and nothing is wrong with me waiting. She also said her child should be picked up at school rather than around the corner (literally, about 50 steps away), which would require me to drive about an extra half mile, in heavy traffic, because of one-way streets.
I've had it. The child does not know the phrase or the meaning of thank you. She is devoid of gratitude and has repeatedly said she has a hard life. Besides all the rest she's also foul mouthed and getting worse: she said the f-word 13 times over a five-minute period over dinner (I counted) and that wasn't even insulting me: it's how she talks. I'm not a puritan but don't think a child, or anybody else, shouldn't be swearing like that. Her mom thinks that's funny.
Until I found this forum and started searching I didn't realize how common ungrateful, unruly, dishonest (oh - she also lies a lot and her mom does nothing when she's caught) stepkids can be. They tell me that "it's all me." My wife's latest is I have to "respect" her SD, with her definition of respect meaning to do as I'm told and not complain. She refers to the child as "gods gift" and thinks anybody who is around her should feel grateful to be in the child's presence. I'm not going to be bossed around by anybody, especially a 13 year-old. That will not happen. More to the point I think the kid -- who I really do love, even more than my grown and long since gone biological son -- is heading for a disaster. With the entitlement, laziness, bossiness, borishness, refusal to do any supplemental learning, lack of friends, and out-of-control narcissism she feels like a runaway train running off the rails and, soon enough, off a cliff.
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counselling STAT
Woah - the only person who makes cheap Jew jokes at my house is my partner - who is ethinically Jewish. (To be fair, my partner is cheap, which is part of the reason I'm with him. I can't stand a wild-spender.) This relationship with your wife sounds borderline abusive from what you've written and maybe it really is abusive. So what I'm about to say shouldn't be taken as victim-blaming, but really you are allowing them to walk all over you. You don't make enough money? There's an easy solution to this - your wife could get a job.
Why can't the girl take the bus to school? If she can't do that why can't Mom pick her up and drop her off? Why does she have electronics in her room? If the kid is entitled and spoiled, it's because she's been raised that way - and you have been a part of that. It's not too late to help her and you are now her adoptive dad and YOU have that responsibility even if your wife doesn't quite see it that way.
Hey, I love my kid, too. I think he is a gift. He's actually really funny and quite good company for an 11yo. He's good with sharing, he mostly rolls with the punches. He knows how to be polite. But he's also an 11yo and needs guidance sometimes to act like a decent human being and needs riding a bit to see how important education is and while there are other adults who like him (he's likeable) I don't think many of them think he's a gift. Same story for my OSS12 and YSS9 (except they have a slightly different set of great qualities and deficits).
You guys need counselling and yesterday. However, if your relationship really is abusive - then counselling may not be the best idea - you may be better off leaving.
(oops maybe you are in the UK? in which case, scratch the school bus thing - though perhaps there are public transport options. That's what my son does.)
"DW and SD things are going
"DW and SD things are going to change and they are going to change now! From now on I will not be driving SD to school, she will either ride the bus or DW can take/pick her up. I am also capping data on the cell phone- SD is too addicted to her phone and as her Father (which by law you are now) I refuse to continue to enable her behavior."
Privately with DW "I am not longer going to be the sole wage earner in this house. I don't care if you get a job in your career field or work at Walmart- YOU need to find gainful employment by the end of the month. I am going to hold you responsible for the following bills monthly- Cell phone, cable, your own gas for your car as well as your own spending money. We will also be getting separate checking accounts. I will be a "cheap Jew" all I want because I want a future one day where I don't have to work."
Let her cry, let her scream, let her threaten to leave. She has no way to provide for herself and she can't.
So if I'm reading this
So if I'm reading this correctly. You've adopted her so she's your kid and she's being a little s***? And you're allowing that???
You need to have a chat, get on the same page as your wife and make some SERIOUS f***ing changes around there.
If I had sworn at that age I would have gotten cayenne pepper in my mouth. (Now I talk like a drunken sailer... Oops... LMAO)
Make changes in the home, enforce discipline, you have every legal right to do so. I'd start by taking away some of those electronics. That's just ridiculous for her to have so many in the first place, and even more so if she's not actually doing anything useful to help out.
Not not only does your step
Not only does your step daughter disrespect you but your wife does too. There are so many red flags in this post that its disturbing. You are supporting both your wife and her daughter and she's here complaining about how much money you earn?? Your SD had the nerve to tell you ""I'll shove that phone up your ass," .......that's a h@ll no and I would take her cell phone, wifi, tv, tablet and whatever else she holds dear in her heart until she understands not to disrespect you again. If her mother doesn't like it, she knows where the door is and can take her spoiled daughter with her.
You have both created a spoiled and self entitled child and its going to be hard to reverse the damage done. You have to put your foot down! Also, you adopted her so if you and your wife divorce you may have to pay child support and perhaps alimony. I'd suggest counseling and if that doesn't work and you decide to still stay just be prepare for many more years of misery because they are both entitled little sh!ts.
Ha, I was writing almost the
Ha, I was writing almost the same post at the same time you were!
WHY would you recently adopt
WHY would you recently adopt this brat??? Surely you knew your wife was a terrible parent and even worse partner before you signed the adoption papers? Now you are on the hook for child support if you wise up and leave this lazy loser and her toxic spawn.
So basically, you're a
So basically, you're a doormat. And you have allowed it all this time. Why? You now have an entitled, spoiled rotten, bratty SD on your hand, and a wife who won't work because you allowed it. I'm not saying this to be mean- but as an outsider looking in (and really, even from your own admission), you have allowed this to get way way WAY out of control. Why would she be allowed to swear like that? Why does she need every gaming system and electronic device under the sun?
When she told you she would stick the phone up your a*s, that is when you should have taken the phone and told her she won't get it back until she has an attitude change, apologizes, and learns to treat you with respect.
Dude. You need to get this under control, stat. I suspect your wife isn't going to be reasoned with- so since you are the one making the money and supporting everyone, I would have a come to Jesus with your wife first, and tell her that things WILL be changing in the house. After that, sit your SD down and tell her the same. Honestly, this is just crazy. I can't even imagine allowing all of this to happen. No one is doing SD any favors by allowing her to become an entitled spoiled brat.
Dude, I stopped reading
... at "Cheap Jew." OMG.
These gold-digging females treat you like this in your own home? Unfortunately you cannot buy respect or decency; sounds like you already bought everything else they might need.
I am sorry, just wow. They treat you like an ATM, except I'm betting the actual ATM machine gets much more respect from these females (the F word is nicer than the more accurate B word) than you ever did.
You have backed yourself into
You have backed yourself into quite the corner, which I assume your "D"W knows.
By adopting SD, you can't leave without having to pay CS, and probably alimony since DW has been out of work for so long. You would likely get limited visitation, and with SD being a teen, she'll likely choose not to visit anyway.
Your DW has now gotten full access to your cash, and there is little that you're going to be able to do about it. My guess is if you push DW too much, she'll leave. You'll be poor and supporting her and SD until SD is an adult.
My best suggestion for you? Disengage. Stop being available to help with SD. DW doesn't work, so she can take SD to school and pick her up. That should be your first act of disengagement.
Really, you're in a no-win-no-lose situation because your DW has you pretty squarely screwed, unfortunately. If you can come to terms mentally and emotionally with that fact, then your next moves will be much easier. I think counselling is a must if you want to try to make things better. If you just want to survive until SD is 18/21 so you aren't legally obligated to her anymore, then just disengage. If you don't care what shakes out or when (because you're going to be paying them one way or another), fight to make your life, home, and daughter the place/thing/person you want. If your DW yells, tell her that you are her equal, not her child, and that by adopting SD, you ARE her father and equal as a parent. Wash, rinse, repeat. Worst case scenario is DW divorces you, but I doubt she'll like the prospect of having to go back to work because, unlike bio dads, you'll probably be less inclined to bleed yourself dry for your SD.
Thanks everybody
I'm really not worried about child support and alimony is a no-go because my wife is voluntarily not working: it's not going to happen. Plus there's not enough money to support two households and, thanks to recordings, I don't even think my wife would win custody no matter what preference my kid chooses (what I've described doesn't scratch the surface). The kid knows she crossed a line: it's her mom that is allowing this.
Back to the point, stepparent adoptions make for an odd dynamic. I definitely spoiled my stepdaughter (now, daughter) because her birth father was genuinely terrible. He'd do the normal stuff like ignore the visitation schedule but also the not-so-normal stuff like take her then call us to pick her up soon after, so we never could plan on doing anything when she was gone. He'd completely neglect her, smoke with her in the car, and his trailer (yes - he lived in a trailer - we've always been blessed with nice houses) was filthy. The only time he showed up to school was to try to embarass us. His two stepkids, both girls, were teen moms though his new wife only had supervised visits because ... well, you can imagine. He forgot her birthday, not just forgot to do anything but couldn't remember what day it was.
After years of that when he was jammed up on his essentially non-existent child support I suggested just adopting her. But becoming a legal parent doesn't magically change family dynamics. It makes things slightly easier because no matter how angry she is she'd never say "I wish you'd never adopted me" becuase, during her infrequent visits, life really was terrible enough. But life was rough enough with him, and I've raised her since she's so young, that I'll admit to having spoiled her. He's been gone a long time now. She's hit those teen years what she sees as being rebellious is really just spoiled and obnoxious. I think the problem, besides that her mom really needs a job (not just for the money - though we could use that - but also to get out of the house and see people and do something), is screen addiction.
As for taking away the phone and the rest that's what started things spirling out of control: that's exactly what I was doing when her mom intervened. I could and probably should lower the data speed then she'll become sweet again and I'll end up with the hassle of changing it back. The kid's known me her whole life and definitely knows how to be a charmer.
My Dh thought the same thing
My Dh thought the same thing about alimony... she left him, she shacked up with another dude and voluntarily still doesn't work. 5 years of $1149.00 in Alimony later we are finally done with that part.
Yeah...same. Not that you
Yeah...same. Not that you mentioned divorcing DW, but my SO's ex (BM) voluntarily didn't work, despite him telling her she needed to...her refusal to work is part of the reason they divorced. Guess who now gets alimony every month? BM. It doesn't even matter what the reason is they weren't working, at least in our state.
Either way, I hope you take your power back and stop letting these 2 treat you like a doormat. Your wife is pretty ballsy to act like she can tell you exactly what to do and when to do it when you adopted HER daughter and provide for them both.
Separate finances. Give her
Separate finances. Give her weekly gas money. You do the grocery shopping weekly. They eat what you buy. Stop payment on cellphones, cable, nexflix, hulu, internet. Get rabbit ears for the TV. Ignore the outrage. "We can't afford all this extra crap, I don't make enough money." Full stop, walk away.
She won't like living on CS and alimony.
But it sounds like you don't have the nerve to stand up to them, so enjoy your misery.
^^^THIS^^^
Totally agree with Ipsofacto. The only hope for this mess to change is for YOU to change. Where is your spine, sir? STOP BEING A WILLING VICTIM.
You've been condoning, ignoring, and accepting mistreatment, so no surprise that neither your wife nor your SD respect you. One doesnt respect an ATM, one merely uses it. And why did you adopt a child you have no intention of parenting?
Personally, I dont think a woman who treats you like this is worth having, but if you want to stay in the marriage, you need to play hardball and recalibrate this debacle.
Require better treatment for yourself, that your wife get a job ASAP, respect you as a coparent, and that you both commit to marriage counseling. Nothing less than this is acceptable. And you can't fix the skid unti you fix the people raising her.